He Calls Them Veedy-Ohs
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Doppler_of_doom The Hi Bebe BT-200 Fetal Doppler/Heartrate Monitor

Product Description:

Do you need this? OF COURSE YOU NEED THIS. Your next OB appointment isn't until WHEN? You haven't had visual and/or audio confirmation of your baby's continued survival in HOW LONG? Oh Jesus. We don't want to alarm you or anything, but we hear there's some legislation pending in a few states regarding fetal neglect, or something. You are terrible, terrible mother unless you buy this right now. I mean, you had one for your FIRST BABY, right? What, do you not LOVE this baby as much? Are you like, fucking UNGRATEFUL, or something? You think $115 is expensive, or something?  But can you really put a price on PEACE OF MIND?

I mean, GOD.

Product Features:

Spend hours at a time MARVELING at the sound of your own digestive tract!

EAVESDROP on nearby cellular telephone conversations!

Actually RESENT the presence of your own stupid 90 bpm heartbeat which can be picked up in 2,349 different areas of your abdomen!

PANIC! At the disco, in your bedroom, on your living room couch -- the stylish travel case and detachable shoulder strap makes this doppler completely PORTABLE!

OBSESS over your recent lack of morning sickness!

FRET over your distinct lack of a bloated fat ass!

MASH THE HELL out of your boobs to determine diminished soreness!

DIAGNOSE yourself with a missed miscarriage -- all in the comfort and privacy of your own home!

Spend an extremely ILL-ADVISED hour reading about missed miscarriages at a random pregnancy message board!


Wander aimlessly around the house in your sticky, ultrasound-gel stained UNDERWEAR!

Get your husband to join you in your despair and obsessive searching for unparalleled FAMILY TOGETHERNESS!

Relive your adolescence with late-night BARTERING sessions with God!

Move doppler wand ONE INCH UPWARDS AND TO THE RIGHT to finally find your baby's whoosh-whooshy heartbeat!

Experience the unparalleled RELIEF and REASSURANCE that can only be achieved through the finest in at-home doppler technology!

But, you know, that was about three hours ago, so you better CHECK AGAIN because the baby totally could have died since breakfast!

(Order now and receive DOUBLE the ultrasound gel! Trust us, you'll go through it and will be forced to use that old gross bottle of cherry-flavored lube in no time.)


Little Dutch Girl

OMG, I am going to have to order one, it has been too long since my last U/S and i have been having all these cramps, and now I am sure I am right there with you!!!!
Too funny, it is a good thing the babies, they are blissfully ignorant to our panic...


cherry flavored lube? did you think you were going to sneak that in there at the end without us noticing?

everyone knows that mothers who love their babies would NEVER use lube to look for their child's heartbeat. duh.

jive turkey

Ah, the bartering with God. I know it well.

Very glad you found the heartbeat and are reassured...for now, at least.


...but the lube helped get him here in the first place, right?



You are hilarious, woman! So glad you finally found the whoosh-whooshy. :)


Wow, a complete mental breakdown for the low low price of $115.

I'm thinking signing up for a session of waterboarding would be lighter torture than this.


Any mention of the digestive tract makes me think of that Zetia commercial, where they show an animated stomach with an entire sandwich floating down into it. A sandwich with one bite out of it, which is all kinds of wrong, because WHO CAN SWALLOW A WHOLE SANDWICH? WITHOUT CHEWING? And what did they do with the one extra bite that's missing?

Regardless, I'm happy for you and the whooshing. That's awesomely good news.


ohmygod! You have me laughing out loud in my office!! Hysterical!!!


Hi-LAR-ious!! :)
I think you should write product descriptions as a side-gig, maybe for websites like woot.com?

Mrs Butter B

You're freaking insane.

(But its highly entertaining, I must admit)


I'm not pregnant, but now I totally want to buy one just to hear my digestive tract.


I'm an award-winning copywriter and I couldn't have written a better description myself!

Well done!

And thanks for reminding me why I didn't trust myself with one of those during my pregnancies.

I preferred to drive 20 minutes to my OB, wait 30 minutes in the waiting room, hold my breath until she located the heartbeat, and pretend to believe her when she said, "Don't worry. That's what we're here for."


This is the exact reason why I never purchased a home doppler thingie. I would drive myself INSANE!

Some People Call Me Mom

I'm surprised J. Peterman hasn't offered you a job.

Isn't pregnancy fun?


That's genius!


Hey, and because you're blogging about it (and writing about pregnancy elsewhere), you can totally deduct it as a business expense!

anne nahm

I had no idea until half way through that post where you had to apply that doppler thing. Ew. Cold and clammy underwear has got to be punishment enough for any crime.


amalah, it's been awhile since i've read your blog -- so first, congratulations on pregnancy! this is my first post and wanted to add a comment about formula.i work for a baby formula company and trust me - there are thousands upon thousands of babies being raised on formula. if there were issues with formula. many formula's today closely resemble mother's milk, so plese do not stress if you are unable to breastfeed your new baby. on an interesting note, many breasfeeding advocates are advocates due to the costs states. what costs one might ask. the costs to provide formula to WIC program. yes, our taxes are paying for formula for WIC uses. many advocates feel that if the woman is not working (not all WIC mother's don't work) then they should bear the responsible of feeding their baby by breastfeeding. the reality is that there is nothing any of us can say to change how you will feel if you are unable to breastfeed your new baby -- only you can do that. perhaps this time the feelings will not be as negative or last as long.


All those exclamation points make it sound so exciting, I just want to run right out and get one for my ownself. And I'm not even pregnant.


not to belittle your feelings b/c I totally remember feeling that way all three pregnancies. I totally saw you and your family out this weekend and I wussed out and did not say hi. My husband was making fun of me saying that I was acting like I saw some celebrity, in fact I think he made fun of me for the rest of the day. Anyway, it was a celebrity sighting to me.


regarding my above post, this is why I did not say hi, because I am just writing a comment and I use the word totally twice!!!


I'm just going to ignore the BF/Formula/WIC comment above...do de dooo....

I rented a doppler for kid #1, and did all the things you described until I finally heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks, and kept it until I could feel her kick. I have often recommended a doppler to other preggos I know with a disclaimer that it will totally make you crazy, and also don't tell your doctor you have one because she will write "...is one of THOSE crazy pregnant types..." in your chart.

I did not rent one for kid #2 because I was not as worried and also too busy with kid #1 to pay attention to silly things like baby wooshy heartbeats, or as you say, I probably didn't love kid #2 as much.

Yea for the Doppler! Don't forget to sell it on ebay next month to another wacko preggo.

Aimee Greeblemonkey

I so wish I had been pregnant now rather than 6 years ago. I missed all the cool stuff.




these things are why i'm convinced technology has made us all ultra anxious and extremely paranoid individuals.

i mean, i'm sure the minute i found out i was pregnant i would order one. and then i'd rant about how it was making me nuts. and then i'd use it every hour on the hour.

and so the cycle continues.

at least you got FREE shipping ;)


Man! You make me almost miss being pregnant!



Would it help if I told you your ass looked bloated from here? No? My goodness lady, you are hard to please !


I am pregnant with my first and love reading your blogs - they're keeping me sane. I just rented a fetal doppler based off the recommendation of a friend and am so excited. But, my first thought was "Can't I just use lube instead of buying the gel?" I bought the gel...you know, first baby and all - should go all out. ;)


Ha! Great post. And really, don't we ALL have a gross old bottle of cherry flavored lube hidden away somewhere? I think mine is called Midnite Fire.


okay, you need to get out of the house. Let's make plans.


okay, you need to get out of the house. Let's make plans.


OMG, sing it, sister! I, too, have diagnosed different parts of my pregnancy thanks to Google. My doctor made me pinky-swear I won't do that again (let's not discuss the time I thought I was having a miscarriage). I'm kinda glad I didn't get an ultrasound thing like this - I would have driven myself nuts if I didn't hear a heartbeat.


MY EXPERIENCE EXACTLY which is why my husband hid the damn thing and sent it back.

Damn, you make me laugh like a hyena!


Sigh... this is my fourth baby, and it's a wonder I still even HAVE boobs from all the "am I still sore" checking!


So, does this mean that lube and ultrasound gel are interchangeable? Just wondering. In case anyone I know ever discovers an empty lube bottle at the most inconvenient time.

And if you really loved your baby, you'd duct tape that doppler to your belly so you can hear the heart beat 'round the clock. Because that's what all good mothers do.


I was going to comment on how funny this post was but then I read Cheryl's comment about her Midnight Fire lube and I have to admit that I would be very very afraid of lube with the word fire in the title.


I thought I was the only one with the boob mashing. Huh.


I'm glad all is well. I'm also glad I'm not the only one with an old bottle of gross cherry flavored lube lying around.


Ah! Do they make pregnancy tests like that, too? As in, perhaps in five minutes, I will be pregnant because I wasn't ten minutes ago, or something like that?

Happy whooshing!

Crystal D

Oh, how I covet the home doppler. But I have made it 17 weeks and if I can just hold out another 3 days I can hear the heartbeat at the doctor's office and then just 8 days later I can see the whole deal live on a giant screen for 30 minutes and hopefully find out if it is a boy or girl. Then I expect this little creature to start kicking me regularly for reassurance. I mean, this is my 3rd kid, I am 17 weeks, why can't I feel a 4.5" baby moving around in my gut? Ugh, where did you get that doppler? NO don't tell me.


Gee, do they have an easy payment plan? Satisfaction guarantee? If I call in the next thirty minutes, can I get free shipping?
Where's my credit card?!?!?




Seriously.. I always wanted one of those when I get pregnant. I thought it would be SOOOO cool.. then I started reading up on what a huge stress it is.. because... welll .. you'll have a panic attack if you can't find the heartbeat!! :)
You're post just convinced me even more of that!! :)
You're hilliarious.. glad that little guy is okay after all..

Lisa M

I think it's a good thing that those weren't for sale when I was pregnant!!


Keep your bladder unnaturally full at all times, this will make it very easy to find the baby's heartbeat. (This will also make it very easy to pee yourself at every moment.)

I too had one of these, it was a love/hate relationship. Fortunately we didn't get it until late in the second trimester, otherwise I would have been living in the doctor's office rather than just visiting once a week. (High risk blah, blah, blah...)

Good luck. Thanks for making me laugh, and for reminding me why I never want to be pregnant again.


Why did I picture Billy Mays while reading this?


Ok, so, for some reason I didn't realize that it was the "inny" kind. Not sure how that escaped me since I have been pregnant before, but...Ewww - you rented that last time - ha!

And, how often do you sit around like that - that's got to be a little debilitating...


Oh, you make me laugh!! With you, of course - not AT you!! Because, I worried too...heck, he's 14 now and I STILL worry! And he was so long (and I'm short), that he never moved around much - all I had to reassure me was his CONSTANT hiccoughing...in the middle of the night. Can you hear hiccups with the doppler???!!!


Ew at the cherry flavoured lube. :)

But yeah at finding the heartbeat! :D


(Uh, since a couple comments suggest possible confusion...you use the doppler on the OUTSIDE OF YOUR STOMACH. Oh my God. The lube-stained underwear is because I never pull them down all the way and the waistband gets stained.)

(Again I say, oh my God, I can't believe people thought I was shoving that thing up mah business. No no no no no.)


Billy Mays has nothing on you.


thought I was at woot.com!!
just as funny. As the proud mama of four (with two missed miscarriages between the third and fourth) , I am highly familiar with the rental doppler unit, never rationalized a purchase.


I distinctly remember doing the opposite, waiting impatiently for my period and mashing my belly thinking, "There's no WAY I'm pregnant, right? I'm not part of that 1% ineffectiveness of the pill, right? I don't look any fatter than last month, right?! RIGHT?!?!" How it switches as we get older/wiser.

Relieved and happy you found the beat. Keep marchin.


Just in case you have a hard time finding the heartbeat again, just follow these simple instructions:

1. Put down the doppler.

2. Go back and read this blog.

3. Realize that non-pregnant people are NOT as insane as this.

4. Sigh a sigh of relief as you realize that the number one clue that you are still pregnant is that you are STILL this insane.

Sister, you are SO pregnant!!!


Ha! I had the same one. It made me feel like an obsessive lunatic but also prevented me from calling the doctor every 1.5 hours.


Oh.my.god. You crack me up. I remember checking my son's heartbeat all the damn time. I mean obsessively. My husband was ready to throw away the thing.




hahaha so funny!

Boog used to "run" from our doppler while he still had room anyway. I'd spend a good 20 minutes chasing him around my abdomen every couple of days.

Seems sort of mean now that I think about it. :P

Jen L.

Holy crap, that is hilarious. The mental image of you wandering around in gel-stained underwear just about made me wet myself.
During my 8th or 9th week of pregnancy, I had a dip in my morning sickness, which made me super-paranoid. At work one day, I went to the bathroom 8 times in an hour to check for spotting. (All was fine, thankfully.)


Hilarious! Love the cherry lube. It's like poetry, but funny.


One of the best commentaries on modern pregnancy that I've ever read!


Heh. The lube, the stained underwear, the dirty looking machine, the confused readers. Thats the first good laugh I've had in a couple of days.


Oh, God, the confusion is PRICELESS! I'm gonna pee.

Amber Lee Peace

I'm 23 and no matter how hard I try, some how I end up very naive.
Like the fact that I did not know so many people used lube. Or why.
Or why it would be flavored.


OMG Your post just reminded me I never returned the one I rented! My baby is 8 months old! That means I have had it for 16 months now. What a sucker I am. . .that makes it what? $320 in rental fees. Crap!

I got a huge pee your pants laugh out of this post at least. You crack me up.


SO FUNNY. I think I wet my pants at the boob mashing.


That is the same model I have!! You were smarter than me - I did that same "the baby must be dead" routine time and time again. It wasn't until about my 100th night of no sleep that I finally ordered mine - at 25 weeks along! Yep, I was still panicked then. I am 32 weeks along now and STILL can panic even though this kid is quite the mover and shaker (oh and I am still even throwing up).

Enjoy your doppler!


I laughed after reading this and then read it aloud to my husband. He smirked, not at your concern, but more to know that other people have doppler 'issues'. I bought one when I found out I was pregnant with twins and that there was such a thing as vanishing twin syndrome. I didn't want to be caught unawares dammit.... It provided ten times the anguish than it did the reassurance, that my husband wanted to destroy it. When I found out we were having another baby, the first thing my husband did was beg me not to break out the doppler.


That is hilarious!

OMG I'm so glad I didn't get one of these...I'm neurotic enough!


You are freakin' hilarious!!! Thanks for the laugh!


This post is a perfect ending to my day. Too funny...


OMG! You are hilarious. I should have gotten one of those but instead I'm doing it the cheap ole' way and here I sit, in my cube at work, 7 months pregnant jiggling my belly just to make the baby kick me and I'm almost certain I can hear her screaming at me, "I'M ALIVE, CRAZY WOMAN, LET ME SLEEP!".


Amalah, darling, my husband and I AND my teenager and now the baby (well, she's one day younger than Noah, but she's still the baby), we all LOVE your blog. The baby mostly loves the pictures of Noah. But darling, could you just take a deep breath once in a while and relax? You, your boobs, the new baby, the cutey Noah, are all going to be ok.


Hey just know you are not as bad as Tori Spelling. Did you ever watch her show when she was pregnant? She was constantly going to her OB and demanding U/S because she was convinced that she had killed the baby with too rough sex. She also thought she had cooked the baby because she took a warm bath. Seriously. You're worried about Noah reading your blog one day? Imagine if he had to watch tapes of you talking about having such rough sex while you were pregnant you thought you gave him a heart attack in utero. Which is actually what she said. That kid is going to be screwed up. And possible horsey-faced. But I digress.


Hi Amy,
We met once briefly at the PA blogher.
I'm glad the baby is fine.
I would be careful with the ultrasound gig though. ImposterMom is on to something. A dad-scientist published results in Science News in about 2003 showing babies definitely hear it. Whether it hurts them no one knows yet, but it is interesting that without fail they move away from it.
Just deep-breath. Pretty soon baby'll be kicking and you won't have to chase it around with the device anymore.


What, it doesn't come with a gel heater? No way, I am not buying it then.


Too bad you can't just mark your belly with a pen so "X" marks the spot for next time! All I ever heard with my (admittedly cheapie little Doppler) was my digestive tract. Well, and my husbands. His sounded more like a baby was in there than mine!

Oh and the strawberry-kiwi lube is gross, too, in case you run out of cherry ;)


Ok, I have to admit I'm glad not to be contemplating pregnancy anymore (my kids are 14, 12 and 9). I feel like I had my kids in the dark ages--or maybe I just had my head in the sand! I ate raw fish, brie and luncheon meats, I gained 50 lbs, I drank wine, I traveled on airplanes, whatever. (I also did not have access to any beautiful pregnancy clothes and wore sacks for 9 months... but that's another story). I did all the stuff you're not supposed to do--well, almost all, I did not shoot heroin or sleep with strangers...

My point is, pregnant women of today must FREAK out about all the ways they can screw up their perfectly normal pregnancies. Sometimes there's something to be said for a good, healthy dose of ignorance.



You always manage to make me laugh.

I had one (not as nice as that one) with both my pregnancies. I ended up NOT findig their hearbeats until like three weeks before I was due. My poor, poor OB had to put up with 36 WEEKS worth of hysterical phone calls. He had to actually ask me NOT to use it anymore...Hahaha.

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