Psst! Over here, behind the couch. Shhh! I'm hiding from all the....you know...opinions. Is it safe to come out yet? Oh ha, how I kid. All the advice and impromptu product reviews were super helpful...you know...to a point, until my head started spinning and I found myself getting irrationally annoyed when someone would show up and totally bash the product that everybody else seemed to like because they were fucking with my consensus. Don't fuck with my consensus! Or...hmm...that's a really good point you made actually, so maybe I should get out a piece of paper and start making hatch marks in Pro and Con columns for all the different strollers and slings and then my eyeballs started bleeding, the end. I feel like we have a pretty good handle on the stroller situation and will be sticking with our plan to wait awhile on that purchase -- at the very least to see how the New One takes to babywearing, although...well, if a Phil & Ted's shows up at our local hoity-toity consignment store I will most likely hurl my body at it and start hissing and spitting at all who approach, RAWR, MINE. Otherwise, total grace, dignity and... Read more →

So the pregnancy. It continues. The baby kicks, mostly at night, when I'm already struggling to find a comfortable position and properly position a pillow between my legs and huffing and puffing like I'm in the third trimester or something. My belly is small and round and (if I must say) rather cute and I like it. It's high and all in front, just like last time, although I still feel curvier everywhere, and hate the way my thighs look in photos. I've only gained a couple pounds, just like last time, and I had to work for them, forcing myself to eat every few hours and not fighting the second serving of strawberry shortcake Jason insisted I eat last night, and oh, but life is SO HARD. I'm also wracked with the same sort of hand-wringing anxiety as I was last time -- this ever-nagging wait for something to go wrong, for the worst-case scenario to happen. The lack of weight gain, far from being any kind of HA AM AWESOME bragging right, was scaring the crap out of me, and I convinced myself that my belly was far too small for this far along and clearly the baby... Read more →

But man, what a waste of time that was. Happy Memorial Day, y'all. Now let's all go eat the shit out of some barbeque. Read more →

So, we've shared a lot this week -- we've loved, laughed, learned! -- and I think we've all made some excellent progress towards Better & Fulfilled Marriages, most specifically in the areas of trust, vulnerability, communication and compromise, but I would just like to say that sometimes it is still all about the winning. While Jason's suggestion of going a few months without a car payment was indeed fiscally responsible, and while I have no doubt that his offer to "work from home anytime [I] needed the car" was both sincere and well-intentioned, I calmly and rationally and lovingly explained that if I had to clear AND justify every single vehicular-based movement with him for so much as a goddamn week, I would stab him in the ears with a fork while he slept. Sorry, I cannot blog today. I am far too busy thinking of places I can drive my hot new sensible momcar to. Look out world, it fits TWO carseats and features rugged all-weather mats for maximum stray-Cheerio collection. Wicked sweet, dude. Perhaps I shall go challenge some area minivans to a street race. Read more →

My Internet died yesterday morning, very suddenly, but I didn't think it was anything unusual -- I get bumped off our wireless router occasionally and it's never anything some random plug-jiggling or power-cycling won't fix -- but yesterday was different. I couldn't get back on. I power-cycled everything from the router to my laptop to the refrigerator two rooms over and still, no Internet. I sent some frantic emails from my iPhone -- helpless-sounding ones to my husband ("can I like...plug something into the wall? all old school and shit? does the Internet still sometimes work like that?") and profanity-laden ones to everybody else ("MAH LIMBS HAVE BEEN REMOVED! I NEED WIKIPEDIA! ALSO HOW DO YOU SPELL SCHADENFREUDE?") And then my phone's internet capabilities died in the late afternoon, as if a black cloud of non-connectivity had settled over the entire house, and I was completely lost and unable to find anything to amuse myself with, so I watched the Food Network and attempted to reboot the router once every 3.218 minutes, just in case that suddenly did anything. Finally I managed to find an actual network cable in our basement and plugged it in and voila! Internet! Provided I... Read more →

Last night, I sat alone in a corner booth of a fast-food burrito joint, with black mascara streaks all over my face. It was awesome, as you can probably imagine. Jason sent me an email in the afternoon to tell me there was a work happy hour he had to go to, but he wouldn't be too late. I sent him an email reminding him that, in typical end-of-the-week fashion, we had no food in the house, so could he pick something up before he came home? Burritos from Chipotle would be good, I suggested. Mmmm, Chipotle, I thought, after hitting send. Chipotle would be very, VERY good. And so I waited. I fed Noah his dinner, lamented the lack of ANYTHING ELSE EDIBLE in the house, at least anything edible that wouldn't 1) turn my stomach or 2) spoil my appetite for the sure-to-be delicious burrito that would arrive any second now, and then I spent an hour engaged in a completely pointless and circular argument with Noah about exactly what potty-related business was worthy of an M&M, and no, you don't get one for just sitting there, and stared at the clock. 7 pm. 7:30. God, I was... Read more →

After I got my share of the book advance, I went out and pumped myself a full tank of premium gasoline, and then I stopped at Wendy's for a chocolate Frosty and a small order of fries. And that was the end of the book advance money. Every once in awhile it occurs to me that I will at some point be holding a book in my hands that contains words that I wrote, and the first emotion that sweeps over me is complete and utter terror, because words on paper are very different than words on a computer monitor, and quite honestly I usually feel my words are better suited for the latter. I don't remember exactly which entries appear in the book -- Rita (who made this whole thing happen, start to finish, I think I signed a piece of paper along the way and then got right back to the vitally important business of wiping a butt) asked if I'd be okay with her submitting a couple entries from Noah's newborn days and I just sort of...waved my hand in the direction of the archives and told her to have at it. Like I've said many times... Read more →

Noah just officially passed the standardized articulation test at "age-appropriate levels." He has no detectable delay or difficulty that would "inhibit his ability to learn and function in a mainstream school environment." He is "one smart little guy there, like for real, wow." Read more →

My one Mother's Day request was to finally go to the baby store and finally buy some goddamn shit for this baby already. I bought several packs of plain white onesies, a nursing cover, some cabinet locks and a Mr. Incredible crazy straw for Noah. We wandered the aisles for a long time, boggling over all the advancements in baby-related gadgetry -- amazing that in just three short years the process of raising children has become even more plug-and-play and battery-powered, although the dearth of Baby Einstein and non-video/movement/breathing monitors and the sold-out display of Born Free bottles also suggests that the Neurosis List is just as long and all-consuming as ever. *** Jason spent 45 minutes installing a single child-proofing latch to a single drawer in the kitchen, only to have it snap and break the first time we opened the drawer to retrieve the scissors. *** We also bought Noah a backyard climber with a slide this weekend, an expense we've always resisted but can now justify because hey! We'll have a whole other toddler who can completely ignore it for years still to come. Noah spent a few solid hours on it, screaming "A PLAYGROUND!!" at the... Read more →

Noah was a tad ornery this morning (perfectly understandable considering days of rain and the head colds that struck each and every one of us down this week, also the fact that I wouldn't let him lick the flatscreen), so I banished him to two minutes on the Naughty Step. He sighed but obediently trudged off and once again I congratulated myself for getting my child-rearing techniques from quality reality television. That shit just works, people. Two minutes later, when I went to fetch him, I found this: Incidentally, it turned out Noah was off sitting in for Mr. Turtle at the SATs. Read more →