Very lovely thoughts - and all totally true. Thanks for putting them out there.

It is worth it! Im glad that you say so. With lots of single women reading they need to hear it, but us married with kids need it too. Just reading that it is SO incredibly common makes us? me feel less alone in the day to day stuff. I left my job 7.5 months ago when we had our first baby. I am very happy at home but loose my breath when I remember that I need to run my hair cut appt by my husband before I go... when I had my income I would never have done so.

This post and the last post are why I read your blog.

Dead on descriptions of what it is actually like to navigate all of this...this...this life with trusting people and having babies and being vulnerable and growing up.

You are brave and articulate and smart and I really appreciate that you write it all down for me to reflect on.

Thanks.

Dink - See, see? That's all my husband's doing. If it were up to ME to spread fertilizer and seed multiple times a year and research the kid-and-dog-safe crabgrass killers our yard would be a rocky dry wilderness.

Just another of the many reasons I keep him around.

I loved this post. I've been reading here for a while, and wanted to say that your perspective is appreciated. :)

The fear is real for me too. The fear of losing myself or of being unappreciated. I am actively trying, though, to remember that my Husband is built differently than I am. It's helping to keep down the number of frustrations I feel - like, the anger that boils up every single time he leaves dishes in the sink and fails to put them in the dishwasher. It kills me to remind him of it again, and he does improve slightly each time, but his brain just doesn't automatically go there. We work at that, and I know we'll work even harder when we have kids.

Keep up the awesome writing!

Wow, I needed to read this like you wouldn't believe.

You're wiser than you know. So many of those problems existed in my first marriage, and even though it was my husband's serial philandering that ended it, I can look back now and know that I wasn't without blame either. I made mistakes in that relationship that I will never make again. As much as I despise getting older, there is much hard earned wisdom that comes with age.

OK, I'll start out by saying I'm single (terminally so, it seems), but that is actually the best description of marriage that I have ever read. I've been told that somedays, love is a choice.

I want to be worth it to someone. Le sigh.

see and now i'm all crying and stuff.

but i like and agree with your sentiment - it's always scary. it's scary in the beginning, in the middle and the end for all different reasons. i read your blog because whenever i am here, i know i am reading someone real and true with all the problems and bullshit everyone deals with. no sugar-coating. but funny as hell.

you rock :)

I really needed to read this today.
Thanks.

Amy, thank you so much for speaking so honestly and articulately about this journey as we navigate motherhood, wifehood, and figuring out where we fit in amidst of all that. Your words have brought tears to my eyes (and I'm at work right now!)
I can speak to Melissa's fears as a trying to recover lawyer, and it still is scary, now with an almost 3 year old girl and another one coming in September. Planning one girls' night out does take months of planning in advance, while hubby has business dinners tonight and tomorrow. And yes, it's business, I know, but he gets to have adult conversation and wine and great food. Even though I've left private practice and work for the government now, it's still hard - I run home after work with the kid and make dinner, give her a bath, get her down, clean up the kitchen, and then sit down with my legal work to finish by the next morning.
And Melissa's fears about resenting her husband, and herself? At least she has the insight to be prepared. I think it's inevitable - so many days I resent my hubby, and yes, myself. But I also know we love each other and our little girl(s) to the nth degree. Life is hard, and we're all working on growing up, day by day. I just hope I can get my sh-- together when we have our second little one!

Amy, what you say is so true and obviously resonates with so many people. This is why the internet exists, I swear, to help all us human beings feel connected even when we're isolated in our own little rooms. Thank you.

Again I am touched by how much women have in common if they'd just open up and share their lives. I am so thankful for the blogosphere for me makes me feel not alone, totally normal and best of all, hopeful. Thank you for the wonderful and thoughtful post.

If there's one thing I've learned from my older sister - who, in the past 2 years, has had her marriage, house, career, and financial stability yanked out from under her, and who is now facing an unplanned pregnancy alone - it's that...you just manage. SOMEHOW. You just deal. Even if it's 2:00 and you have no idea how you're going to make it to 2:30, you survive somehow. It's scary, but comforting.

And Amalah, I agree: sometimes the scariest times in a relationship are when things should be the easiest (no kids, two incomes, etc.). And surely, that experience made you guys stronger for times like now. Thanks for sharing that.

this post completely encapsulates for me the reason why I read your blog. Because, yes. it's scary. And it's worth it. And because this could be my story down to the very last embarrassingly painful detail. And because at the end of the day the fact that someone thought I was worth fighting for, blew me away. And I never knew, love could be like this. And then we had kids. And it was beautiful and scary and eye opening and one of the most humbling experiences of my life and completely perfect down to the last poopy diaper and the last non finished conversation.

The Meatloaf comments were closed but I thought the story I saw today on CNN was fitting--WOMAN LIVES IN CAR WITH 2 DOGS. Needless to say my preggo ass took that to the height of all height, started a fight with the man on how we don't need to go to CA for a wedding because MY GOD WE HAVE A CAR, WE HAVE ANIMALS AND WE HAVE NO SAVINGS--THAT IS GOING TO BE US. Needless to say, however, the man has been good with my food wishes. 10:15pm Sunday I wanted Okeedoke popcorn and Okeedoke popcorn I had.

I am a long time reader, and this is my first time posting a comment. I just had to let you know how incredible this post was. I actually just got married two weeks ago and am living with my husband for the very.first.time. The negotiations and adjustments have already begun and that glowy wedding/honeymoon feeling is already fading to a distant memory. The first week of living together left me completely addled and confused instead of the eating pizza by romantic candlelight while unwrapping wedding presents and sitting on moving boxes like I had imagined. I am in no way saying that I am not happy- I am. And I love my husband more than anything. I think that I was just shocked at how quickly the euphoric wedding related bubble burst and the real world crept right back in.

I should probably mention that we have been together for 10 years/met in high school, so the relationship is nowhere close to being new and I have a pretty good idea of what a relationship REALLY entails in the long run and that alot of the time it isnt fun and that its a lot of work. In other words, I am not jaded when it comes to marriage and I think that my realistic viewpoint has somehow caused me to miss out on how romantic the mundane can really be.

Reading this filled me with hope for the future that even though we have a long road ahead and it will be alot of work, I know we will come out on the other side together. Even if our lives are now filled with bills and who gets what drawers and why he won't just SHUT THE PANTRY DOOR WHEN HE IS DONE- I know that he will be waiting for me when I get home tonight and we will talk about our days and sit on the couch together in front of Ameican Idol and laugh our fool heads off because we are best friends thats what we do. Even as I typed this I got an email from him thanking me for the lunch I packed for him to take to work today. Sigh. See? Just like you said. :)

Thanks for this.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. That commenter gave my sentiments exactly. Your response has made me feel so much better.

I worry about having a baby with my husband, I worry that it will be like throwing my life away.

You're right. It's always scary. I am constantly terrified. Such is life, I guess.

Damn you for making me all teary and snotty in the middle of a library during a study break!

wow.
just wow.
THIS is why i read your site. you put into words what so many other women can't or are afraid to.
GREAT POST.

This post was magnificent.
All your blogs are great. I'm generally just a lurker, but I felt I must say something. I've worked my whole adult life and then to suddenly not is very disconcerting and it's so hard to actually say..I stay home. Because you know what people are thinking (or you think you do)I've jockeyed between part time work, sometimes work, freelance work and plain, stay at home work my ass off for my kids work, and it's the scariest thing EVER.
I feel ya. just so you know.
R

Thank you for this, oh, so very, very much. I got teary because it's so many of my own thoughts given (eloquent) words. The isolation and "am I a drain" and having to schedule any time for YOURSELF! Oh, bless you, bless you.

I commend you for sticking it out and think you are so lucky to have such a strong relationship and a husband who loves you that much.

My sister's going through a similar situation right now: got married before she could legally drink and then had her first child last year because she thought that would make her life better. When her child became the center of attention and her husband took her for granted, she became really good "friends" with a coworker. And then another coworker. And then she left her husband and pretty much walked out of her old life - left their house, their dogs, her clothes, bought new everything. She says she's happier alone than she ever was with him. I'm really, really trying to not judge her and I've tried to talk to her about getting help but she's not ready to listen.

This could be my own blog post but it's so much easier to be anonymous on yours... thanks!

AMEN, sister, amen... It's sad, yet comforting to know this shit happens everywhere. Thank you for posting this. Now... I'm left here wondering is it OK to think about your ex-bf's, the ones you got rid of obviously, in times of marriage crisis? Because that's what I do (shame on me!) and I comfort myself thinking that those carefree times were just that - carefree. Now we're in the more serious business of actually building a life and future for our children.

Wow, that was amazing, thank you for sharing with us.

I cried when I read your post on Friday. I was feeling almost the same way... and I am not pregnant! Thanks for wr=iting this follow up. I think DH and I need to have this same convo...

I'm commenting because I think these posts, while surely cathartic, must have also been very difficult for you to write, and I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your efforts.

I have to say, I don't believe in stereotyping "the woman/wife's experience" vs "the man/husband's experience". I actually am in the position of supporting my husband while HE'S in grad school and I'm making the big bucks.

That said, I think it's really interesting that he doesn't feel any of the insecurities that I see the women in his exact same shoes expressing in the comments here. And you know, if I were in those shoes of being the provided for rather than the provider, I'd feel insecure, too. I wonder why that is? Why do so many women feel so helpless and misunderstood where men would just feel entitled and angry?

I think you're describing some real vulnerabilities that women in long-term relationships feel, regardless of who's actually making the money. That fight from the other night would have played out exactly the same way with me and my husband, even despite the fact that he's financially dependent on me. (And even though we don't have any children, yet.)

That sounds just like what happened with my husband and I. Married at 19, the relationship devolved into a no-sex roomate relationship by our mid-20s. He spent more time on his computer game than looking me in the eye, and I became real good friends with someone I knew online that evolved into real and actual physical cheating. It was horrible. I had an ectopic pregnancy before things got really bad, and while that still breaks my heart, I am glad that we didn't have any children to try and "save" the marriage.

The marriage didn't survive because I wasn't willing to be the only one fighting for it. And even now, years later, I still wonder if leaving was the right choice. If I should see if we can make it work again.

Did I try hard enough? I still have trouble telling people what I need from them - if he doesn't want to bring me flowers, if he doesn't want to turn off the computer and have an adult conversation with me, if he doesn't want to put any work into Us, what right do I have to make him? But what if I made a terrible mistake in leaving?

I don't even remember what the point of this comment was, but thank you for your post, Amy!

As always, a lovely post. But since none of it applies to me, I'm totally excited that you're into Jez and want to know who you are so I can have your back in a fight!

I just mowed the lawn like that with my three-year-old on Sunday! (But our mower is green.)
I've been a SAHM for eight years now, I go back and forth between feeling guilty for not contributing financially, and feeling good that I'm giving my children something only my husband or I could give them. Of course, it is easier to quelch the guilt knowing that since we have four kids, I could never get a jobs that would pay enough to cover child care.

Three weeks ago I submitted my resignation to my high-powered, six-figure job. I quit. I quit because I needed to stay home with my chilren - three of whom I didn't give birth to, but arried in to. My children are 14, 12 (tomorrow), 9, and 7. I always thought of staying home with babies - but at this age they need me at home with them as much as ever.

I am terrified of the cut in our budget. I am terrified of "losing" my skillset. I'm terrified that when I want to go back to work, there won't be anything for me.

But my children are worth it. The sacrifice is for them - and really for me too - I was beyond stressed. I think no one can prepare you for how your priorities change once you're a mom. Yes, you miss the happy hours and going out without planning and being carefree...but I think even you'd admit, Amy, that the times when you really miss those things are only when you're overtired, or hormonal - the rest of the time the benefits you get are worth it.

Beautiful post. Thank you.

Wiping weepy pregnant tears from my eyes:

It is true that being a SAHM leaves one feeling DEPENDENT more often than not. Especially when you devote your days to tykes who do not go to school yet. After all, how would you work if your kid had no place to go?

I'm always drawing from the lives of other to ground me. My sister who was pregnant with her second when her husband died suddenly. My friend whose husband discovered he was gay in the middle of their adoption. The neighbor whose wife had to be hospitalized for post-partum depression, and a year later is still in a home. Those people are my touchstone to the knowledge that I could make it if something happened to my marriage. They are also a reminder that I need to keep good relationships with neighbors.

So, as scary as it is to imagine the worst, don't forget to look around at those who have gone on to thrive after the bottom dropped out.

Now that post brought tears to my eyes even more than the meatloaf post and I just want to thank you for saying every single word you said. Most people are way too scared to admit those things about their own relationship. I am right now 6 weeks pregnant with my first and the husband and I are just starting to sort out all those details that really do start to make me feel like maybe I should just stay home and give up the car and all those "little" things because it makes sense financially but there are so many fears that go along with making those decisions.
This is a strange place that the modern woman finds herself and it is up to us to sort it out for ourselves and not let other people (even our husbands) make us feel bad for making those choices.
Also - I have requested Thai food to be brought home for dinner tonight and if it is not here by 7:30, there will be problems. Food is priority #1 to the pregnant woman. Do not question it. That is all.

If you do get rid of the second car make sure you get a backpack.

And make HIM carry it. You get the car.

Crap. This made me cry. Again. And especially because the probem you described, that almost ended your marriage? I went through almost exactly that just 5 months ago. And I've been married for 7 years and have 3 children. It was the darkest and scariest time in our marriage yet. I still feel that black pit of 'what was I DOING' that I fear I will never get over, on top of a million emotions that I'm not brave enough to put onto the internet- or, heck, out of my own head.

These last 2 entries have hit so close to home with me it's scary. And even though I don't know you, I can't tell you how relieved I am that you and Jason had a GOOD talk, because so many times I hear of things like this and the man pulls the But I'm A Man crap to excuse himself, or the wife pulls the He's Just A Man I Need To Put Up With It crap and that just breaks my heart. So a huge, big yay for both of you.

I really appreciated this post, because my husband and I not so long ago went through our "dark time". We got stationed overseas just weeks after getting married, and I got pregnant. I had no job, no friends, nothing. I stayed home all day with a poop machine and hated him all day. Then it got a little better, then we came home. Then it got worse again because I hated him still for "taking me there and leaving me alone all the time". I love my husband. He is a good man, and a good father, and although he farts in his sleep and watches too much baseball, he pretty much does everything he's told and buys jewelry regularly. But it is really scary because despite marriage counseling (yes, scary marriage counseling) there are still things that he has said that I can't forget and hurt that hasn't healed. Now I am pregnant with #2 and I am just hoping that we do't get shipped anywhere any time soon, because at least now I have a babysitter and a neighbor with twins who drinks. Thanks for sharing - because it's better to know that I'm not the only mom who gets scared shitless periodically (irregardless of irrational pregnancy hormones).

ooooh! window to my soul! recently laid off and being the "economy drain" myself. i feel guilty asking to go get a pedicure--something i used to do every other week. i feel like our house has to be immaculate all the time since i am always in it. and i miss the attention also...

This is my first time posting a comment here after reading for the past few months. I have to commend you Amalah on how you wrote this post. It is beautifully written. Gets the point across honestly and powerfully. Thank you for your honesty and candor.

I would also like to point out that it isn't always the woman who feels like the drain, who's self worth is challenged. Sometimes it is the husband who struggles with these issues. And often struggles alone since it isn't a traditional role for men and it is hard to find a sympathetic ear. I know when my husband was at home with our kids and struggling with his issues of self worth it took some re-orientation on my part to understand what he was going through.

Yeah. That's it. Exactly.

I'm glad you both found a way to fix things. Sometimes I feel like I don't "matter" to my husband (for lack of a better word. It isn't that I think he doesn't love me or whatever, it is more that I'm just always here and he doesn't feel the need to make an effort anymore. But those aren't the right words either. Either way, I get this post (and the previous one too) and I'm not even pregnant right now. Marriage is hard. Someone should have told us that!

You really are lucky that he will have a conversation with you about things. My husband prefers to just think everything is fine and wait for it to improve. Which I am sure will work out stunningly for both of us. (sarcasm)

A to the men, my dear. We'll be married 15 years in October, with 4 kids, a mortgage, and a minivan, and...I don't know what my point was, but damn. This is your very best post ever.

Brilliant.

This was beautiful, Amy.

Marriage is hard work. So hard. Bur so, SO worth it.

Oh Amy, how I love you. But as much as I love you, you know what my first thought was when I read about Jason coming home late and ignoring your burrito request and worst of all, not getting why you reacted the way you did? It was THANK GOODNESS. Even seemingly perfect Jason can totally suck at understanding women sometimes! Phew. Maybe I should give my boyfriend a break.

I completely idolize your relationship and often wish that mine was as strong. So while I was completely on your side and felt awful for you, I also felt relief...Jason clearly loves you and is an amazing guy, so maybe I shouldn't assume differently of my boyfriend just because he seriously messes up in a very similar way from time to time. And while not pregnant, I definitely have oversensitive drama queen tendencies, so maybe I should be putting more of the blame on myself, like you did at certain moments.

But then when I read that he brought you flowers and chocolate ice cream the next day, I was jealous and felt crappy for myself again (but happy for you, because again, love). Even though after reading the comments I decided I somewhat agreed with the people who thought it was a socialized-male quick fix. But the effort was there, and then the talk you had last night and his amazing gesture of grabbing your hands and telling you that you are not a drain (and years ago that you are worth fighting for) shows the true devotion.

My question for you is, what do you when he DOESN'T come through the next day and clearly express that you are worth fighting for? What if his personality makes him incapable of ever giving you the heartfelt apology or in-depth discussion that your personality desires in order to fully get over the fight and move on feeling good about him, yourself, and the relationship? Because my boyfriend and I had a serious blowout over something really small this weekend where he said terrible things to me and I cried in our bedroom for the next 2 days while he lived his life in the next room and ignored me, totally unmoved. When we finally did discuss it, it was in the quick and lighthearted, joking way HE deals with problems. I know he thinks the fight has been adequately dealt with and is over, and that he didn't mean the things he said, but I still feel hurt and not quite so well loved. How much of that is ok? When that happens how do you know if what you have is worth fighting for? Or maybe you are just being pathetic because even though you are not married yet and don't have kids, he makes tons of money and pays most of the mortgage and you're going to an expensive grad school next year and are kind of financially dependent on him? Or you know, some other hypothetical situation =)

Sorry to go off like that. Maybe I should get my own blog instead of wasting all this space on yours!

Anyway, wonderful, wonderful posts. You are a brilliant writer and I admire you so much.

Thank you so much for writing this and the last post. I had a freak out on my husband this past weekend and some of it was hormones and some it was just feeling over burdened and worrying what will happen after our baby is born in September. I am so worried about how things will change and whether my career that I worked so hard for the last 10 years will survive not to mention what will happen to our marriage. And well it is just plain reassuring to know I am not alone. Even though I felt very alone this weekend there are women everywhere who have been here and who have come through the other end. So thank you.

this post is genius.

I guess, to sort of address Melissa's point, for me what it boils down to is that marriage has to be teamwork, no matter what your circumstances. While each half of the couple doesn't have to contribute the exact same things to the relationship/household, they do have to contribute equally on the whole (I cook, you handle the online banking, you vaccuum, I make the bed, etc).

Whatever the choice is, teamwork requires strategizing *together* to work out what is best for everyone involved, on a big picture scale (work/kids balance, etc) and on a day-to-day basis (who picks up the dry cleaning).

It's also recognizing the value of the other person's contribution -- if one is working and one is staying at home, it's so easy to think that the person who is building up the 401(k) and paying the mortgage is doing "more" for the household, but imagine if that person had to do that plus everything else -- it would be a billion times harder for them, and they have to realize that, not lord their economic contribution over the non-income-producing spouse.

For dual-income couples, the teamwork aspect is also crucial so that one person doesn't make all the sacrifices all the time, which I think is the main thing Melissa is getting at. It's so easy, as a woman, to be the martyr, to give up the business dinners or the plum job assignments in favor of shouldering most of the kid/home-related load. But it doesn't have to be like that!

This is where choosing an enlightened spouse comes in (and this applies to any work/home scenario) -- men can leave the office early or miss dinners just as well as women can (or to relieve Mom for a night out or whatev); so often, though, we let them get away with not having to. You have to *both* be committed to doing what needs to be done at work and on the home front and make your needs and goals known to the other person. And sometimes that means checking in with them (are you SURE you don't feel like I'm a drain? would it KILL you to get home a little earlier?, etc) and making sure everything's still cool and everyone's pulling their weight and feeling valued.

(I swear I don't mean to sound like a sanctimonious jerk, in case I do. I get kind of fired up about these issues, where women devalue themselves or play the martyr -- and we pretty much ALL do both of those things at one time or another -- and thank God there are the Jasons of the world to call us on it and refuse to accept it. And also bring flowers when the going gets tough.)

Thank you so much for this post. Thank you. I need my fiance to read. TONIGHT.

that was perfect! thank you for sharing the inworkings of you & your relationship, b/c the imperfections make it 'perfect' :)

Aw, it's not scary. It's cake! hahhahahahahahahahaha

Lovely post Amalah, seriously. I'm due in November and plan to stay home with the baby and I haven't been anything but excited, that's what a bad job will do to you, but have started thinking lately about wanting to finish school and wondering when / if that will ever happen, and what if the baby comes and I'm suddenly terribly depressed about being "stuck" at home and blah, blah, blah. So, random way of saying thank you! And sharing your difficult marriage issues, so good to know we all have those, as ugly and scary as they are.