With Asses Roundly Kicked

This Modern World

My one Mother's Day request was to finally go to the baby store and finally buy some goddamn shit for this baby already. I bought several packs of plain white onesies, a nursing cover, some cabinet locks and a Mr. Incredible crazy straw for Noah.

We wandered the aisles for a long time, boggling over all the advancements in baby-related gadgetry --  amazing that in just three short years the process of raising children has become even more plug-and-play and battery-powered, although the dearth of Baby Einstein and non-video/movement/breathing monitors and the sold-out display of Born Free bottles also suggests that the Neurosis List is just as long and all-consuming as ever.

Jason spent 45 minutes installing a single child-proofing latch to a single drawer in the kitchen, only to have it snap and break the first time we opened the drawer to retrieve the scissors.

We also bought Noah a backyard climber with a slide this weekend, an expense we've always resisted but can now justify because hey! We'll have a whole other toddler who can completely ignore it for years still to come.

Noah spent a few solid hours on it, screaming "A PLAYGROUND!!" at the top of his lungs from the upper-most platform, before the rain started.

Jason took a razor to the box the climber came in and made Noah a ramshackle shantytown in the basement. It's hard to judge which structure is winning as The Greatest Thing In The History Of The World at this point, although I have to admit a slight preference for tea parties inside the cardboard box.

The rain kept up all weekend, until we finally lost power last night.  Jason wandered the house with our one and only flashlight looking for the bag of Ikea tea lights that I swore were in the basement somewhere while I looked for pajama bottoms using the illuminated screen of my iPod.

We lit candles and discussed baby names and paint colors until the rain lulled us to sleep.

The power came back on around 3 am, in a cacophony of beeps from appliances and blinding light from EVERY LAMP IN OUR BEDROOM, which I'd inadvertently turned on in an effort to make sure all the switches were in the "off" position.

10 minutes later, the house alarm system went off, retroactively alerting us to the fact that the power supply had been messed with and oh hai, there might be an intruder with a hell of a head start on his way to bludgeon y'all to death, sorry.

The alarm woke Noah up from a bad dream involving monsters and some kind of terrible mortal injury to his knee, and we were completely unable to snap him out of the ensuing hysterics. I plugged in another night light, offered him every toy and lovey in his room, turned on some music, supplied him with a special middle-of-the-night episode of Blue's Clues via the On Demand menu, but not less than 20 minutes after getting him back to bed he woke up again, crying about the same monsters and the same joint-related growing pains.

This time I simply got him a drink of water and told him he could spend the rest of the right in mama and daddy's bed, where he'd be safe. He didn't make another peep until 9:30 this morning.

I told him if he ate a good lunch he could have some chocolate milk with his special Mr. Incredible crazy straw. (Chocolate milk actually being some kind of space-age sneaky fruit-and-vegetable powder from Whole Foods, of course, because we can't possibly just buy some Nestle Quik and be done with it.) He misinterpreted this as a promise that he could WATCH The Incredibles if he ate a good lunch.

We never watch movies during the day -- they're a weekend Family Night special treat -- and while he professes his love and most favoritest affection for The Incredibles (or, Da Increbulls, as he calls it) day in and day out, I always can't help but wonder if his bad-dream monsters POSSIBLY resemble some kind of Big Giant Superhero Blasting Scary Robot, like, YA THINK?

It's still raining. He had his chocolate milk, and now we're curled up in a blanket his grandma knitted for him, watching Da Increbulls.



So over this rain! It's a perfect day to snuggle up with a cozy toddler and a movie you can snooze through. Enjoy!


"We lit candles and discussed baby names and paint colors until the rain lulled us to sleep."

THAT is one of the most romantic and awesome ways to spend time during a storm-provoked power outage. I have got to get myself knocked up already.

Thrift Store Mama

Hey - I gotta get some of that powder. My dd had chocolate milk for the first time this weekend and LOVED it - definitely looking for another thing to bribe her with when necessary!


An outdoor PLAYGROUND!! AND an indoor Shanty Town? Noah is one lucky boy!


Aww. It hasn't started raining in Boston yet, but now I am almost looking forward to it so I can get all nice and cozy with my boy and some cuddly kitties and daydream about the far off day when we'll be discussing baby names.


I would like to curl up under a blanket and watch Da Increbulls. He already knows the best way to survive a rainy day.


Thrift Store Mama - that powder is awesome, if you believe the label isn't totally lying about all the good stuff in it, but at least it's low-sugar AND objectively delicious. I drink it too.


So, I guess your weekend wasn't boring then, huh?


ooh now *I* want some chocolate milk even though I just finished a cup of hot chocolate.

Sounds like a fun weeekend (minus the lack of power!). Hope you remembered to blow out the candles before going to sleep: mine was going strong an entire night!


I'm heading out to Whole Foods as soon as I can to track down some of that powder. I hope my kids will drink it, the "vegetables are evil/poison/crap" little people that they are.

We bought a tv a few years ago, before the flat-screen revolution took place, and I took that box, cut out some windows and doors, and painted it green. Electronic boxes are really thick and sturdy! It's still going strong through two boys, two dogs, and countless playdates. It's a big hit, and all my friends are jealous of it. I rock!


I was with you on this one, girl.
Because my cheap rental house is 170 years old (really) and hasn't been rewired since the 50s (sob) I regularly trip the circuit breaker (which is, of course, outside), usually while drying my hair. So I laughed knowingly at "the cacophony" since I have NOT ONCE remembered to turn off the hair dryer before going downstairs and outside to flip the circuit. Sooner or later, I will start a fire. I just know it.


When we moved in we spent 45 mins UNscrewing every childproof drawer latch because my husband thought the greater danger was our toddler learning to shout "MOTHERFUCKER" every time we opened a drawer. Pregnancy hormones make me cranky and impatient.


The rain sounds like perfect weekend. Even the loss of power and a house quiet and lit by candles sounds dreamy. (Yes, I do feel like Marsha Brady) We live in the land of little rain but had 28 mph wind all day. No gusts, just 28 mph wind. However, all the beeps, lights and alarm sound not so dreamy at 3 AM.


My little brother used to have nightmares about the scary and oozy purple monster in The Power Rangers movie. One day the tape (yeah people, TAPE) mysteriously snapped in two and ta-da! The nightmares were gone.


My boy calls the Incredibles the "credibles" Which just makes me giggle every-time I hear it. We reinforce it by saying "yes, son they are highly credible" LOL


I just figured out, after 4 kids worth of nightmares, that it is not advisable to tell them that they will be "safe" in M and D's bed. Smarty pants over here inadvertently made them think that they were only safe in our bed.Just try to tell him (during the day)that his bed is the safest in the house, etc...


I am SO buying some of that powder next time I'm in Whole Foods. My son will eat a limited number of fruits and has had no more than a few bites of vegetables in his life--some serious sensory issues!--but chocolate milk is something I can get into him.


I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard reading about the lights and the alarm ... er um I am sorry I mean. But seriously the iPod as a flash light is brillant. Way better then my son's clucking chicken flash light!

We did the same thing yesterday on our rainy day - we curled up and watched Shrek because my son would not stop the hysterics after waking up from his nap but had no words to explain why.

Neurosis List is long and all consuming and I am trying my hardest not to buy into it this time! HA!


Oh yay! You found Noah!

How'd the bear do on the SATs?


Awww, The Incredibles are a hit here, too. My 2.5 year old calls them "Crebles". He also loves Nemo. Though I have a really hard time deciphering whether he's asking for Nemo or Remo (the remote). He's well on his way to manhood, no?

I hope the monster dreams and joint pains stop soon. Hopefully he has a more peaceful night tonight.

Have fun baby shopping!


I think rainy days are a perfect reason to watch movies. We are watching Toy Story 2.


then, in a cruel twist of events, amalah puts noah on the naughty step and brings mr. turtle to snuggle and watch Da Increbulls with her.


I, too, find that the only thing that will snap me out of nightmare-producing fear is a good episode of Blue's Clues.


"space-age sneaky fruit-and-vegetable powder from Whole Foods"

Sounds like Soylent Green to me!

Kidding. I, too, want this powder. Because last week after preschool, I resorted to actual chocolate milk. PLUS a scone, which is basically a cookie with added fat.


We get that too, only now we wake up and the kids are already in bed with us. Happy belated Mother's Day!


You may be the only person who bought a play-ground new in the box. I have inherited FIVE from neighbors and friends. It's getting a little trashy in the yard (although I have 3 kids who adore playing on/in them). I'm just surprised to know someone who purchased it new!


While my husband and I were boarding our flight for our honeymoon a few years back, there were posters along the gangway advertising that "The Incredibles" were playing on select flights. There was this little boy in front of us who literally ran from one poster to the next, point and screaming "DA IN-CRED-IBLES!" at the top of his lungs. It was hilarious.


Now I really want to order some of that spage age chocolate milk, but THIRTY BUCKS! I'm not sure I love my children THAT much.


I had to make my husband stop playing Oblivion (role playing game with monsters) even when Marin wandered through the living room from bathtub to bed in the evening. For other "sourceless" monsters, we did have some success with monster spray - get a spray bottle and put some water in it, maybe a little liquid fabric softener or other smelly stuff that won't hurt your carpet/upholstry and use it to keep monsters away. You could just use Febreeze, unless you kid can spell already! (bonus - fabric softener makes it easier to wipe up pet hair) Have also informed said Daughter that dog and cat are in the household to guard house from monsters. She is a little skeptical about this one - they sleep a lot. Way more than she does.


Karly - the package is HUGE, and lasts forever. It says 33 servings but we use it daily and have gotten waaay more out of it than that. Either way, less than a buck a glass, and I was sick of spending a fortune on fresh and frozen vegetables that I would then puree into oblivion into fruit smoothies (which is our other go-to green-food tactic).

Yesterday Noah put a piece of asparagus in his mouth and I nearly fell the fuck over...but it turned out he was only into biting small pieces off the stalk and then putting them back on his plate. I'm hoping maybe he got some good stray molecules of asparagus from that?


That "chocolate milk" powder sounds awesome. Unfortunately, there will not be a Whole Foods in my area until late next year, so will have to see if it's available elsewhere. Or online!

I also admire you for having a rule (however often it might be broken) about movies only on the weekend. . . I'm afraid that at our house, dinner won't usually make it to the table without "Finding Nemo" or "Shrek" or something playing on the tube. My son even asks for his "Diego DDDs" (he doesn't get the V part) specifically.

And. . . YAY for baby shopping!! :)


I was hoping that the movie was included in this post. Makes me feel better as that is what I would have done. LOL


Isn't it amazing the power that just simply sleeping with mommy & daddy has to quell those growing pains in zero seconds flat?

Wonder if that would work for my low back pain.


hmm i may have to sneak that cocoa flavored superfood into ze triplets' milk. have you tasted it?


note to self: read earlier comments before asking already answered question about said deliciousness of cocoa superfood. thanks for the idea!

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