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May 2008
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July 2008


The last and only time I went to Blogher, I had a great time. Seriously fabulous. Then I came home and learned that a fairly weird rumor was making the rounds about me -- somebody said I said something hurtful about somebody else, and although I could never quite nail down the specifics of who and what and huh, what I was able to piece together was something like this: Somebody wrote something on their blog, quoting something they'd supposedly overheard an anonymous "mommyblogger" say about another blogger. This quote, which may or may not have actually been said by ANYONE, or at the very least was taken ridiculously out of context, somehow got attributed to me and expanded offline to include all sorts of other hurtful stuff. It sure didn't sound like anything I would ever say (mostly because I DIDN'T SAY IT), but still. I think the crazier the rumor, the harder it is to sputter out a believable-sounding denial. I did deny it, of course, and apologized in case I had said something as a joke (hi, wine! lots of it!) that had gotten misunderstood and twisted around. The injured parties assured me they believed me, but... Read more →

The Battle for the Hearts & Armpits of America

Or, When an Advice Smackdown Column Idea Goes Terribly, Terribly Wrong Or Or, Why I Don't Do Product Reviews On My Personal Blog Or Or Or, Jesus God, Do I Need To Get Out More Or What? SECRET FLAWLESS: Oh, hi there! So I know you've always used Secret Platinum, and I bet you were a little thrown when you saw me all over the shelves, but let me explain. The whole "platinum" thing was just a ploy to make you think of jewelry, but like for your armpits, and it really worked for us, especially among girls who were dating fuckwit commitmentphobes. But now my marketing folk tell me that platinum actually gets pretty dinged up and scratched after awhile, and it's time for something new. Secret Sparkly Six-Carat Diamonds was the obvious first choice, but that tested badly with the focus groups, probably on account of that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. So instead I'm "Secret Flawless," complete with a botanical-themed label and package shape. I don't actually contain anything particularly botanical, but Research tells me that nature is super hot right now. Plus, 5 FLAWLESS BENEFITS! Five! I dare any deodorant to offer you more than that. DEGREE... Read more →

Can't Blog, Wii-ing

I don't know if any of y'all have heard about this "Wii" thing -- I'm not sure how much "buzz" it gets from the "kids" on their "webbylogs" or anything -- but I have to say, Nintendo just might be on to something here. Illiterate people read it here first! So Monday's entry aside, I really did buy Jason a birthday gift -- ye Gods, I am not that heartless -- and while this is definitively the final nail in the Not-Going-to-Blogher Coffin, the poor guy really did deserve a great big toy this year, and I don't think we're QUITE at the point where me taking a solo trip to California for four days would constitute a birthday present, IN SPITE OF me being completely annoying as all shit to live with. (ALTHOUGH! Perhaps I could sell tickets for public performances of my hulking pregnant self awkwardly flailing around the room playing "tennis" while screaming THAT WAS IN, MOTHERFUCKERS at the bobbleheady figures on my TV. That might just finance the airfare.) I am not really a big video game person. The last game I played was Grand Theft Auto III, and I only made it about halfway through... Read more →

Dear Jason, I Bring You the Gift of HYSTERICAL PREGNANT NESTING. You're Welcome.

For Jason's birthday, I made him finally replace that godawful Eyeball Nipple Lamp in the living room. Happy birthday, darling! Don't electrocute yourself, or else you might miss next year's birthday, when I make you reface the kitchen cabinets. Installing this absolutely unremarkable lamp required two (2) trips back to the hardware store for missing parts, three (3) hours spent with the lamp hanging two feet down from the ceiling by a small mess of wires while we wondered how soon an electrician could come over and bail us out of this nightmare, and five (5) yards of embroidery thread, which was used in strange ways that I can't even adequately describe, except that we ended up having to like, WEAVE screws through holes, and that sounds like a dirty joke if you are Amish. Weave those screws, baby. You sure know how to churn my butter. Now, if you come over to our house, I would like to ask that you refrain from standing on the coffee table to poke the New Lamp (I know, it's always so tempting), and also maybe from sitting on the couch and blowing really hard at it, because one set of screws we... Read more →

Graduation Day

Noah's official graduation from Early Intervention came in the form of a phone call one morning to inform me that the building had no electricity, therefore his mock preschool group session was canceled. After the results of the assessment testing, we had already agreed this was to be his final class -- I was going to provide the store-bought, peanut-free snack and I was planning to write a thank-you note for all of the therapists, perhaps with a little photo of Noah tucked inside, if that wouldn't be too presumptuous to assume that anybody cared enough to remember Case File Blond Dimpled Boy #2980542618. After I expressed my understanding of the power situation and the last-minute cancellation, I was then told that Noah's spot in the class had been filled for the next week. There would be no make-up class, no snack, no three cheers for the Little Toddler Who Could Talk Now. We were done. The week before, another mother was reeling from her daughter's recent diagnosis of apraxia from Children's Hospital. She'd known for awhile it was apraxia, she told us, but figured she was being neurotic and spending too much time on the Internet. So when they... Read more →

22ish Weeks or Maybe 23

Either way, I really need to work on my neck fierceness. And yes, babyproofing, which gets pointed out every time I post a photo with these shelves and mess o' wires in the background. It's like some of you think I'm an idiot, or something. I don't know where you ever got that idea. Tivo is still breech, which he demonstrates every day with vicious kicks to the cervix and...uh, whatever else is down there, and jeez, I prefer getting pummeled in the lungs, all things considered. We can watch him kick and squirm under my skin, something I never get tired of seeing but I think it creeps Jason out a little bit. Or maybe it's just because I point to it and say SEE THAT? IT'S COMING, GO MOVE SOME FURNITURE ALREADY AND THEN DRIVE MY ASS TO IKEA. I'm finally gaining weight at the recommended rate, I think, thanks to a daily intake of multi-thousand-calorie burritos with extra hot sauce and chocolate milkshakes, which are the only things that reliably sound delicious. Just for the love of God, don't talk about toast. Toast and I broke up. Similar to my breakup with tequila a few years ago.... Read more →

Now Available From Stephen King: PETTING ZOO

OH BUT FIRST... Is there anyone here with a potty-trained kid? Anyone? Me! Me! Meeeeeee! It's glorious. Or maybe it's just a novel new party trick right now, like my double-jointed ring fingers -- one of those things I think is glorious and awe-inspiring and everybody else just secretly looks away and hopes I'll stop talking about pee-pee in the potty already and OH MY GOD STOP BENDING YOUR FINGERS LIKE THAT. (Exhibit A!) Everything just sort of...clicked this weekend, at some point on Sunday. Tab A into Receptacle B = high-fructose corn-syrup bribery. Eureka! And not a moment too soon, since on Saturday Noah kicked me in the chest and emitted this otherworldly howl of rage -- he sounded, incidentally, EXACTLY like those things from I Am Legend, which we watched on Friday night after arguing for a week about the premise. The DVD arrived in the mail on Monday and Jason claimed it was about aliens, while I said no, it was some Castaway-type meditation piece on survival and isolation and Jason continued to insist that no, it's aliens and shit gets blown up and I said fine, we'll watch it provided nothing bad happens to Will Smith's... Read more →

PopPop & His Boo Boo Hurt All Better, reports area toddler

Oh, Internet Peoples. Thank you for everything this week, the comments and emails and positive granola mother earth vibes or whatever it was y'all sent out. You guys are the wind beneath my wonderwall, or something. My dad is FINE. Once again he pulled through something that could have very well killed him in record time and was eating hamburgers within 24 hours and bemoaning the lack of extra ketchup. He was discharged late yesterday because of a never-ending string of last-minute MRIs and EKGs and heart-monitory things in futile attempts to figure out why he fell (we still don't know, which is very frustrating, but I'm hoping one of the bazillion follow-up visits and consultations we've had to schedule will eventually reveal something). But for now, he is home and healing and complaining of nothing but a headache (you know, from all the SKULL FRACTURES AND WHATNOT) and that TiVo cut off the ends of all his Phillies games while he was gone. My mother originally ordered me NOT to visit, on account of my delicate with-child condition, and I immediately pish-poshed her and tossed myself and my kid in the car and drove up there, where I proceeded... Read more →


Thank you all so much for the prayers and kind thoughts. Noah and I got here yesterday afternoon and he promptly peed through every blessed pair of pants I packed. I've done laundry twice already, although one of those times may have been more because I forgot to add detergent. Maybe. I cop to nothing. I got to visit with my dad last night -- he's conscious but not feeling super great (NEWSFLASH! NO WAY! WOW!), and looks like he and the pavement got into quite the barfight. He's still in the ICU and undergoing a zillion tests to determine the cause of his fall (he didn't trip, it was more of blackout and a dead drop to the ground), but a CAT scan revealed that the bleeding in his brain is NOT getting worse. So. There is that, and y'all feel free to cue up the ER theme music in your heads right now. Doo doo doop doop, or however it goes. I made some fabulous ratatouille for dinner last night, and then we ate the hell out of some ice cream. Noah climbed on my head at 6 am this morning and Baby Tivo is present and accounted... Read more →

I just got a call from my mom and it wasn't a detailed description of the 27 little blue outfits she bought over the weekend, oh no, it was about my dad, who fell outside their house last night and is now in the ICU with a brain bleed and broken occipital bones and they think it's his heart but they don't know yet and anyway, I'm putting Noah in the car and driving up to PA just as soon as I can find my keys and maybe some clean underwear. PA is fancy like that, you know. In other news, Noah is willing to keep his pants dry in exchange for spare buttons from my sewing kit. If that doesn't cheer you up a tiny bit even after the words "ICU" and "brain bleed" then I suggest you just start hitting the hooch right now. Read more →