The Battle for the Hearts & Armpits of America
June 26, 2008
Or, When an Advice Smackdown Column Idea Goes Terribly, Terribly Wrong
Or Or, Why I Don't Do Product Reviews On My Personal Blog
Or Or Or, Jesus God, Do I Need To Get Out More Or What?
SECRET FLAWLESS: Oh, hi there! So I know you've always used Secret Platinum, and I bet you were a little thrown when you saw me all over the shelves, but let me explain. The whole "platinum" thing was just a ploy to make you think of jewelry, but like for your armpits, and it really worked for us, especially among girls who were dating fuckwit commitmentphobes. But now my marketing folk tell me that platinum actually gets pretty dinged up and scratched after awhile, and it's time for something new. Secret Sparkly Six-Carat Diamonds was the obvious first choice, but that tested badly with the focus groups, probably on account of that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. So instead I'm "Secret Flawless," complete with a botanical-themed label and package shape. I don't actually contain anything particularly botanical, but Research tells me that nature is super hot right now. Plus, 5 FLAWLESS BENEFITS! Five! I dare any deodorant to offer you more than that.
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Hey, what's up?
SECRET FLAWLESS: What the...?
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh, you noticed my new packaging! What do you think? Six essential benefits! Marketing really went above and beyond this time, I gotta say.
SECRET FLAWLESS: ...
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh! Uh. Hey, five is a GREAT number, dude. People love the primes. What are your five flawless benefits, by the way?
SECRET FLAWLESS: Well, I've got "Skin Nurturing Conditioners."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Mmm. Interesting. We went with "Skin Caring Conditioners."
SECRET FLAWLESS: I'm "Smooth and Lightweight."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: "Smooth and Silky Application." Check.
SECRET FLAWLESS: "Continually Renewing Fragrances."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Mmm, science-y. I've got a "Clean, Fresh Fragrance."
SECRET FLAWLESS: "Goes on Clear!"
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Bitch, please. I'm "Little Black Dress Approved."
SECRET FLAWLESS: Well, and of course I offer "Strong Protection."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Wow, that's really informative. I offer "24-hour Body Responsive Wetness Protection" AND "24-hour Body Responsive Odor Protection.
SECRET FLAWLESS: I am soooo firing my marketing people.
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: That's probably a good call. Plus -- and I really hate to point this out, but from the top your cap kinda looks like a vag.
SECRET FLAWLESS: What? No! It's a leaf!
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: I'm just saying, man.
SECRET FLAWLESS: Whatever, don't even get me STARTED on all the weirdness going on with your label. A strapless dress with a belt and armpit-length gloves and Tracy Turnblad hair? You know most women have stopped playing with Barbies by the time they buy deodorant.
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Okay, THAT'S IT. It's ON, motherfucker.
TOM'S OF MAINE: Hey. Heeeeeey. You guys. Cut it out! Stop fighting! You know, I bet if you would just cut all that aluminum out of your diets you'd be way less irritable. It's like, messing with your neurons and stuff, dudes.
SECRET FLAWLESS: ...
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: ...
TOM'S OF MAINE: Anybody up for a colonic? There's this great place that also sells smoothies...
*KICK PUNCH BLAM BLAM THUD*
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Fucking hippies, man.
SECRET FLAWLESS: God, I fucking smell like patchouli now, or something. Continually renewing fragrance, my ass.
ohgodohgodohgod I just banged my knee on the metal filing cabinet hard enough to bring me to my knees, I was laughing so hard.
Ow.
Posted by: norm | June 26, 2008 at 03:11 PM
"Your cap kinda looks like a vag" - holy crap, that's funny. Don't think I'll be buying the new Secret.
Posted by: Amy | June 26, 2008 at 03:15 PM
This is hilarious, you are awesome, and everyone in my section of the cube farm now thinks I'm nuts. Good times. :)
Posted by: Heather | June 26, 2008 at 03:16 PM
I can't stop laughing! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does this.
Posted by: alison | June 26, 2008 at 03:17 PM
PLEASE don't get out more -- that was hysterical. Seriously, I just got yelled at by my boss because I got busted when I laughed out loud. AND IT WAS WORTH IT.
Posted by: MrsWaltz | June 26, 2008 at 03:17 PM
I also set off the cube farm alarm with my laughter. The good news is that I forwarded it around. The bad news is that not everyone will consider it funny.
Posted by: Brian | June 26, 2008 at 03:19 PM
Brilliance. Pure unadulterated brilliance.
Posted by: Bex | June 26, 2008 at 03:21 PM
HAAAAAAAAA!
(And look! Hey! This is the first time ever that the "remember me" checkbox actually did anything!)
Posted by: Dr. Maureen | June 26, 2008 at 03:24 PM
Seriously funny!! I love that they just kicked Tom's ass.
Posted by: amy | June 26, 2008 at 03:25 PM
Oh, Amy. I love it when you do stuff like this. This is every bit as funny as your Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends shtick.
Posted by: Lori | June 26, 2008 at 03:26 PM
That was beyond awesome. I love how it ended with a hippie smackdown, too. HA!
Oh, and the only thing in the universe I am allergic to? Secret deodorant. "Strong enough for a woman?" Not this one, buster.
Posted by: missbanshee | June 26, 2008 at 03:26 PM
Freaking hilarious.
Posted by: Pickles & Dimes | June 26, 2008 at 03:26 PM
Freaking hilarious.
Posted by: Pickles & Dimes | June 26, 2008 at 03:26 PM
Hahahahaha! That was super awesome.
I must say, I was suckered into Degree Ultraclear and it's SIX benefits (or maybe just the pretty picture, or b/c it was on sale), but I think it sucks. I've gone back to my trusty Dove Ultimate Clear.
Posted by: Stephanie | June 26, 2008 at 03:28 PM
Laughing so hard I'm f'ing CRYING. Price-less. Love the deodorant TKO! *snort* :)
Posted by: Maxine Dangerous | June 26, 2008 at 03:38 PM
Haa! Awesome! I'd suggest that you get out more but then what would I read at work?! :)
Posted by: Erin | June 26, 2008 at 03:42 PM
I think you are hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh today!
Posted by: Becky | June 26, 2008 at 03:42 PM
The best part is when they both "turn" to look at the Tom's of Maine.
Posted by: Fraulein N | June 26, 2008 at 03:45 PM
Fucking GE. NEI. US.
"God, I fucking smell like patchouli now" Just awesome.
Posted by: Sara | June 26, 2008 at 03:45 PM
That was amazing. I think perhaps you should do this more, because you are incredibly talented at making inanimate objects be disturbingly expressive.
Posted by: anna | June 26, 2008 at 03:46 PM
Well, I don't know about "gone wrong." If laughing this much is wrong, I don't want to be right.
And the photoplay really adds to it, too.
Posted by: Zeynep | June 26, 2008 at 03:46 PM
Oh my goodness that was fucking spectacular. Wow.
Posted by: Miriam | June 26, 2008 at 03:48 PM
This may be funniest blog post from anyone ever.
Posted by: Melizzard | June 26, 2008 at 03:49 PM
I swear you are a genius!!!
Posted by: Kelly | June 26, 2008 at 03:51 PM
So damn funny! The top of Secret looking like a vag VS. the Degree looking a little phallic. Wait, am I the only one who noticed?
Posted by: glamgranola | June 26, 2008 at 03:56 PM
i just laffed and died.
Posted by: sweetney | June 26, 2008 at 03:59 PM
This was FANTASTIC!
Posted by: Carley | June 26, 2008 at 04:03 PM
hahahahahahaha I LOVE it! That cracked me up.
Posted by: lindsay | June 26, 2008 at 04:04 PM
This is about the funniest thing I have read in a long time.
Posted by: Missie | June 26, 2008 at 04:06 PM
AWESOME. Totally freaking hilarious!!!
Posted by: nonsoccermom | June 26, 2008 at 04:08 PM
Oh dear god I think I wet myself laughing. You're an effing genius.
Posted by: Kim | June 26, 2008 at 04:10 PM
That was amazing and I would totally support this happening more often.
Posted by: Tiffanie | June 26, 2008 at 04:14 PM
Oh. My. God.
Between you and Dooce today I will get no work done. I have been giggling all day.
Posted by: Robbin | June 26, 2008 at 04:14 PM
HOLY LORD. I think I just passed out, but I came to and am okay now. God. I want to go play with things that don't talk in real life and make them talk right NOW, but I'll wait a few days so's I'm not blatantly copying you.
Posted by: Pamela | June 26, 2008 at 04:14 PM
that? was awesome.
Posted by: obabe | June 26, 2008 at 04:17 PM
Lemongrass. Tom's makes you smell like Lemongrass. But it doesn't work for shit.
Posted by: All Adither | June 26, 2008 at 04:17 PM
Well, I'm sure I'm not the only one who is so happy that you never leave your house! Too funny!
Posted by: Kristin | June 26, 2008 at 04:17 PM
Hysterical. While I would agree with you, maybe you should get out more often. Please don't you wouldn't brings us stuffing this fucking fantastic if you did!
Posted by: Amy | June 26, 2008 at 04:17 PM
humping hilarious. p.s. i use dove.
Posted by: Alissa | June 26, 2008 at 04:18 PM
did you buy those just to do this post?
Posted by: danyelle | June 26, 2008 at 04:21 PM
F*cking hilarious Amy. True genius.
Posted by: Nic | June 26, 2008 at 04:29 PM
That just made my day!
Posted by: Erin | June 26, 2008 at 04:35 PM
I think you should do all of your product reviews this way.
But, um...so which won? (I'm right there with Alissa, I use Dove, specifically the 'silkening'. It's awesome. I've never had silkier armpits.)
Posted by: psumommy | June 26, 2008 at 04:39 PM
I'll never look at my deodorant the same way again.
Posted by: JennC | June 26, 2008 at 04:42 PM
Dude - I love the accompanying photos. You are fanTAStic.
(Lady Mitchum, y'all - unscented. Even my manly boyfriend will use it in a pinch.)
Posted by: Janna | June 26, 2008 at 04:42 PM
More Reviews!! More Reviews !!
PLEAse!! That was so frickin' hilarious!! I so needed that after my day today!! Thanks!!
Posted by: slick63 | June 26, 2008 at 04:44 PM
Janna,
Have to agree with ya - Lady Mitchum all the way!! Never lets me down.
Posted by: slick63 | June 26, 2008 at 04:45 PM
I had no idea pit de-smeller could be so funny.
Posted by: Kelly | June 26, 2008 at 04:46 PM
How am I ever supposed to buy any of those deodorants now? You are too funny!
Posted by: catnip | June 26, 2008 at 04:47 PM
How am I ever supposed to buy any of those deodorants now? You are too funny!
Posted by: catnip | June 26, 2008 at 04:47 PM
those guys are guttermouths. must be all that time hanging out in the armpits of america.
Posted by: that girl | June 26, 2008 at 04:49 PM
I wonder how my Dove Ultimate Clear Go Fresh would fare in such a scuffle.
Posted by: meghan | June 26, 2008 at 04:51 PM
I love it.
What I don't really love: Degree Ultra Clear...and it may be little black dress approved, but it's NOT little black lacy cami approved. That shit got ALL OVER IT.
Posted by: Kelly | June 26, 2008 at 04:52 PM
And that is why you are the master!
Posted by: Burgh Baby | June 26, 2008 at 04:53 PM
Huzzah for photo essays!
So, who really won? Degree or Secret? (Not that it matters. I steal my husband's deoderant all the time!)
Posted by: Jen | June 26, 2008 at 04:56 PM
Glad I'm at the office alone since I just busted out laughing while reading this.
Posted by: Kristy | June 26, 2008 at 04:56 PM
I'd like to honor you with the "Best Use of Anthroporphism In Conjunction With Toiletries" Award.
(I totally just made that award up, BTW. I don't want you getting all excited and thinking there is an actual statue you can put in the bathroom next to the toiletries like all the movie stars say they do.)
Posted by: Velma | June 26, 2008 at 05:00 PM
Can you hear me laughing? Can you see the tears streaming down my face?
My main question is, WHERE do you think of these things and WHY??? You crazy, knocked up blogger, you...
Posted by: tracey | June 26, 2008 at 05:06 PM
Now that is some funny shit right there.
Pfffffft.
Posted by: Jay | June 26, 2008 at 05:07 PM
Pwn3d!
Posted by: MonoCerdo | June 26, 2008 at 05:09 PM
Cant. Stop. Laughing...
Posted by: Rachael | June 26, 2008 at 05:13 PM
Hysterical. It does look like a vag.
Posted by: Maria | June 26, 2008 at 05:13 PM
That's hysterical. I do so love your photo essays...
Posted by: Carmen | June 26, 2008 at 05:25 PM
Remind me never to read your posts in a meeting again, I think I've sprained a muscle in my cheek trying not to laugh outloud at the brilliance of this hysterical post. Thank you!!!
Posted by: Mojo | June 26, 2008 at 05:27 PM
thank GOD - i thought mine were the only deoderants that spoke to each other in hushed tones. but now i feel much better.
Posted by: Lara | June 26, 2008 at 05:28 PM
Yet another reason to run away from the deodorant/antiperspirant aisle. All that fragrance makes me have an asthma attack, anyway!
Hilarious!
Posted by: Suzanne | June 26, 2008 at 05:30 PM
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hilarious.
Posted by: Gretchen | June 26, 2008 at 05:30 PM
Very informative product review. We can always count on you to expose the truth!
Posted by: Leaf, probably... | June 26, 2008 at 05:42 PM
This blog has been the happiest part of my child-infested afternoon!! Thank you!!!!!
Posted by: Meredith | June 26, 2008 at 05:43 PM
Thank you.
I just died.
In the best way possible.
Posted by: Wallydraigle | June 26, 2008 at 05:45 PM
you are a comic genius.
Posted by: supertiff | June 26, 2008 at 05:46 PM
Funny as all hell...thanks for the laugh!
Posted by: kat | June 26, 2008 at 05:48 PM
This just made my day. For the record, while the Degree smells amazing, it let me down in the end. Atleast I don't smell like piccouli.
Posted by: Lindz | June 26, 2008 at 05:56 PM
Two things about this concern me...
One - that you wrote it.
Two - that I read it.
Wait, a third...
Three - that I laughed my ass off!
Please tell me that you didn't buy these three deoderants just for this blog entry...
Posted by: Mary | June 26, 2008 at 05:56 PM
You are warped...and in a total non-lesbo way, I think I love you..
Posted by: Robin | June 26, 2008 at 06:09 PM
OMFG I think I just peed a little.
That was awesome. :-)
Posted by: Stevie | June 26, 2008 at 06:09 PM
Lady Speedstick Clear (shower fresh) would like to form a gang now!
Genius Amy I think YOU need a reality show forget Denise Richards!
Posted by: Lisa | June 26, 2008 at 06:34 PM
Holy crap. I love you. I really needed that laugh today.
Posted by: Charla | June 26, 2008 at 06:35 PM
oh.......my.......GOD. So funny.
Posted by: Chris | June 26, 2008 at 06:46 PM
Brilliant! I needed that kind of laugh today...
Posted by: Courtney | June 26, 2008 at 06:48 PM
OMG ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! That was the hardest I've laughed all week. And trust me I needed that. GOD BLESS YOU!
Posted by: Sarah | June 26, 2008 at 06:50 PM
What's really funny - is I use the Degree Little Black Dress stuff. And I don't love it - but don't hate it.
So I'm in CVS TONIGHT. I see the Flawless stuff. And I can't pass it up - the marketing got me. I come home, read your blog, and viola - my dilemma played out.
I've yet to try it. The tropical scent is sitting on my counter...waiting for me to finish the Degree.
BUT man, I'd never go near that Tom's stuff :)
Posted by: Laura | June 26, 2008 at 07:01 PM
YOU ARE SO F-ING FUNNY, I CAN'T STAND IT!
Posted by: Shelly | June 26, 2008 at 07:05 PM
OMG, I can't believe how hilarious that was!! Seriously, who knew antiperspirants had such developed personalities!!
I'd still like to know who won?? Not Tom obviously...definitely the best part of the essay :)
We want more!!!
Posted by: Lisa | June 26, 2008 at 07:06 PM
Ok, you are HIGHlarious! Soooo funny!
I was referred to your blog by a reader who said that you have a child (as do I) with SPD. I'll be looking into that on here as well as just enjoying your humor now.
Thanks for the shits and giggles!
Posted by: Kia | June 26, 2008 at 07:07 PM
Holy bejeebus that was funny.
:)
Posted by: Heather | June 26, 2008 at 07:15 PM
you should totally do product reviews all the time. that rocked.
Posted by: judy haley | June 26, 2008 at 07:35 PM
That was great. Even better, I work for the company that makes Degree, and I only use Secret. I have enough Degree deo to take over the world!!
Posted by: Barbara | June 26, 2008 at 07:39 PM
I guess we've all been there done that with Tom's of Maine eh? Try to be natural and all. It soooo doesn't cut it - bring on the aluminum baby.
Posted by: eva | June 26, 2008 at 07:49 PM
Amy, I've been reading your blog for several years now and I have to say - best. post. EVAR!
Posted by: Jen | June 26, 2008 at 07:56 PM
you so totally rock!
Posted by: kate | June 26, 2008 at 07:57 PM
i'm totally embarrassed by how amusing I found that!!
Posted by: brit | June 26, 2008 at 08:03 PM
I lost my shit, that was so funny. I cannot remember the last time I lost it like that. You must have been hysterical while doing that in the bathroom.
Geez.
Posted by: maddyejames | June 26, 2008 at 08:05 PM
Dove Sensitive Skin is all:
'Love your cap, even if it does look like a vagina. Vaginas or beautiful! Especially wrinkly ones! Dove loves wrinkles! Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!If you're old and fat by meeeeeeee!
Posted by: Stacey | June 26, 2008 at 08:11 PM
You should feel very fulfilled in your life that you make anonymous 36-almost-37-year-old moms laugh out loud at the end of long, hot, frustrating summer days in which her two buttholes, ahem, sons, did every annoyingly brotherish thing to each other all damn day.
Posted by: zdoodlebub | June 26, 2008 at 08:33 PM
Best. Product. Review. Ever.
Seriously.
Posted by: Miss Britt | June 26, 2008 at 08:46 PM
hilarious! and I so needed that after such a crazy day. But I'm with the masses...where does the Dove Ultra Clear fall in there??? I demand a follow-up!
Posted by: Colleen | June 26, 2008 at 08:49 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Posted by: Dawn in NC | June 26, 2008 at 09:16 PM
Oh God, that was priceless. "Hey, Heeeey". Totally Toms of Maine. I live in Maine & knew right away where you were going with it, I love your site.
Posted by: Allyson | June 26, 2008 at 09:44 PM
I use Dove deoderant and that lazy ass does nothing but just sit around. I think my Laura Mercier gloss tries to chat but the Dove is reclusive. I think I need to switch brands.
Posted by: Laura | June 26, 2008 at 09:47 PM