When I See You Smile
July 30, 2008
I sat and watched Noah and Jason play in the sand -- digging holes and ponds and building bucket-castles. And I sat and watched them play in the ocean -- and I would realize that I was smiling. A big, goofy, squinty, involuntary smile. Every time I looked at him. I couldn't help it.
The last time we went to the beach, Noah was a baby. He couldn't walk or do much beyond shove handfuls of sand in his mouth or squeal when we dipped his feet in the water.
This time he could run and dig and splash on his own, just cautious enough to ask "Hole my hand? Hole my hand?" each time we'd take him down to the water. The beach was the most exciting, most fun, most greatest thing in the entire world, and the joy would sometimes bubble up over and he'd toss his hands in the air and scream. We heard him murmur "beach, water, ocean, beach" quietly in his sleep at night.
But sometimes, as I sat and watched, I still saw that little baby. The round little belly and the barest hint of chub where wrist meets hand. The excited babble of sounds and shrieks instead of words. There was something about wet hair and shivering lips that made him look so small, so vulnerable, so perfect.
He could play and swim and play for hours, and we watched and smiled, wishing we could give him more time here, wondering whether he's old enough to remember this trip, with his Nemo bucket and the big holes Daddy dug in the sand and the taste of grit in his peanut butter and jelly.
And when I wrapped him up in a towel and held him close while he shivered and struggled against his heavy eyelids, his head against my chest and his baby brother kicking from within, I promised to remember. And to thank him one day for letting me see the world for the first time all over again.
Beatiful. There are actual tears in my eyes. Amy, you have such a way with words and Noah is so lucky that he will have all this to look back on and read one day, thank you for sharing your lives with us.
Posted by: Shelley | July 30, 2008 at 11:57 AM
Or beautiful even...HATE when I do that!
Posted by: Shelley | July 30, 2008 at 11:58 AM
Really beautiful, Amy. Noah will treasure this one day. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Traci | July 30, 2008 at 11:58 AM
Precious, precious! Making memories!!
Posted by: Jan | July 30, 2008 at 11:58 AM
Oh mah gah. ***waahh!***
Seriously, I just got a teary.
Posted by: ali | July 30, 2008 at 12:00 PM
Beautiful. Beautiful thoughts, beautiful images in my mind, beautiful family. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Starbuck | July 30, 2008 at 12:00 PM
Oh, AMY! You just made me get all choked up! Those last two photos, how he's sitting in the exact same position in both of them, *sniff*, where'd your baybee go, but look, he's still sort of your baby, WAAAAH!
P.S. Kaitlyn HATES the beach, hates the sand, hates the water. We're having tons of summer fun I tell ya.
Posted by: Elizabeth | July 30, 2008 at 12:01 PM
Love, love, love those last two photos in comparison to each other.
Posted by: Velma | July 30, 2008 at 12:02 PM
That took my breath away. I love the line about "letting me see the world for the first time all over again" Every time I look at my daughter and see her make that surprised face, my heart actually swells. And to go from the shot of him on the beach now from the back, to him as a little infact from the back brought tears to my eyes. It is so cruel how it all goes so fast.
Posted by: glambertz | July 30, 2008 at 12:02 PM
I may cry. So sweet!
Posted by: caleal | July 30, 2008 at 12:03 PM
Thats not fair, its really hard to explain to my boss why I am crying when I should be working on this file.
Posted by: Nichole | July 30, 2008 at 12:10 PM
That's beautifully written. Glad you had a good time, in-laws and all.
Posted by: Stacy | July 30, 2008 at 12:10 PM
Love the pictures. Although it looks like he dug all the way to China!
Posted by: Marinka | July 30, 2008 at 12:11 PM
Thanks Amy! Now someone just walked by my desk and asked if I was pregnant again because here I am...crying for no apparent reason.
Posted by: Dana | July 30, 2008 at 12:11 PM
Coming from anyone else I think this could be really sappy, but from you it's beautiful and tender and heartfelt, and so peaceful and happy. Lovely.
And it gives me hope that we'll make it to that phase and have fun days at the beach as well, so thank you, from someone who is enduring the "eating sand" phase right now.
Posted by: Elizabeth | July 30, 2008 at 12:13 PM
Thanks for making me ugly cry completely unexpectedly. Amen, sister.
Posted by: kelly | July 30, 2008 at 12:14 PM
This is the most beautiful thing I've read in a long time. I think I have to go to daycare right now and hold my little boy.
Posted by: Shannon | July 30, 2008 at 12:15 PM
Quit.making.my.ovaries.hurt. Ouch!
Posted by: Burgh Baby | July 30, 2008 at 12:18 PM
Sniff, sniff, what? Oh no I'm fine, it's just these darn allergies. My little man is almost 15 months and it's hard already to see the snuggly little infant in him. And what's with all these posts on the innernets lately making me want to get knocked up again?!?!
Posted by: Allison | July 30, 2008 at 12:18 PM
Amy, that is just the sweetest, most poignant thing I've read all day. Thank you for sharing!
Posted by: Jill (CDJ) | July 30, 2008 at 12:22 PM
Jesus Christ, Amy. Real tears. And I'm not even PMSing.
I think I just saw my son in two years. And it hurts just a little.
Posted by: Mrs. Flinger | July 30, 2008 at 12:22 PM
oh no, you are making me crave another one!
great post Amy, I love the comparison shot
Posted by: workout mommy | July 30, 2008 at 12:23 PM
Thanks for letting me remember that the world can be like that.
Posted by: schmutzie | July 30, 2008 at 12:23 PM
I am SUCH a killjoy, but have to tell you that Today had a segment a couple of weeks ago about the danger of sandholes...particularly being in them. Apparently they can cave in. Gak. Sorry.
Posted by: Momo Fali | July 30, 2008 at 12:23 PM
So, so beautiful.
Posted by: Assertagirl | July 30, 2008 at 12:25 PM
Wow. I am crying now. That is so perfectly, beautifully written. The pictures of him in such similar positions... so perfect.
Thank you for sharing him with all of us. Thank you for inspiring me to do the same, so that I will have this same gift to give my daughter.
Posted by: beth | July 30, 2008 at 12:28 PM
I am getting so sentimental about #1 as the due date of #2 approaches. This just may have sent me over the edge!
Posted by: Becca | July 30, 2008 at 12:32 PM
So adorable! We had my godson at the beach with us this year and he is he same age as Noah. He loved every second of it, so I can truly picture the joy Noah got, and that you got from being there with him!
Posted by: Sarah | July 30, 2008 at 12:33 PM
And, for the record, this made me get all weepy. Hormones and adorable pictures don't mix.
Posted by: Momo Fali | July 30, 2008 at 12:35 PM
Wow. That's just incredibly sweet.
I can't wait for that point in my life.
Posted by: Overflowin Brain | July 30, 2008 at 12:35 PM
Wow. Just beautiful.
Posted by: metalia | July 30, 2008 at 12:37 PM
Am speechless with awe, and blinded by tears. Amy, you are a magnificent writer. Thanks for this lovely essay. My own baby is 23 now, but he still has a crooked chin from the thousands of hours that chin spent resting on his bony little knee, as he built castles from Legos and sand.
Posted by: Caroline | July 30, 2008 at 12:37 PM
How awesome memories are like that! I love it!
Posted by: Ariel | July 30, 2008 at 12:37 PM
God. Cute. Adorable. Tears. Me. Thanks.
Posted by: califmom | July 30, 2008 at 12:42 PM
Wow. Reading that made me get all teary. It's amazing how fast they get big and how we look at them and always see the little baby they once were.
Posted by: Susan | July 30, 2008 at 12:42 PM
I still remember the taste of grit in sandwiches my mom used to make my sister and I while we spent weekends at the lake. I love that image, and those memories.
Posted by: Kerri Anne | July 30, 2008 at 12:46 PM
What a sweet post, and the pictures are absolutely precious. All of them.
Posted by: nonsoccermom | July 30, 2008 at 12:51 PM
So beautifully put. Crying now. Can I just copy all your thoughts like these and put them in my son's scrapbook? You say it better than I could!
Posted by: Jenn | July 30, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Just saying. You made me cry here at work. Beautiful words.
Posted by: Dani | July 30, 2008 at 12:55 PM
So beautiful. I got chills reading this.
Posted by: Sarah | July 30, 2008 at 12:57 PM
Started crying at the pictures. Must go kiss 1 month old daughter now.
Posted by: Laura | July 30, 2008 at 12:59 PM
I delurk every once in awhile. This is one of those whiles. You're a fabulous writer and an awesome Mom. Congrats on everything! Noah's the cutest!
Posted by: Deb | July 30, 2008 at 01:00 PM
He is so cute. Love this post!
Posted by: Bree | July 30, 2008 at 01:03 PM
If I say anything else, I will cry, so I will just say ... Man, that's a big hole!
Posted by: Amytoo | July 30, 2008 at 01:05 PM
What a beautiful follow-up to yesterday's post. I love the last two photos especially. I've said it before and I'll say it again Noah is one adorable baby and you are a talented photographer!
I think this post just kicked up my babylust a little... :)
Posted by: Kimmers | July 30, 2008 at 01:05 PM
Beautiful. Just beautiful. Sounds like you all had a great time at the beach.
Posted by: Susan | July 30, 2008 at 01:06 PM
Sappy? Yeah, definitely. But lame is up for debate. Either way, three cheers for beach memories!
Posted by: Tricina | July 30, 2008 at 01:07 PM
OMG, I'm a teary mess after reading this. My chubby little baby boy turns one in a week and this totally hit home.
You rock!
Posted by: Amber | July 30, 2008 at 01:08 PM
Oh. What a sweet post. Add me to the list of those with tears in my eyes.
You are such a good mom.
Posted by: sheilah | July 30, 2008 at 01:10 PM
Dang it! My eyes!
Seriosuly, beautiful post, very sweet.
Posted by: Jen | July 30, 2008 at 01:12 PM
Those are great pictures! He's starting to look like Jason a lot!
Posted by: Mrs. Elle | July 30, 2008 at 01:26 PM
This post is exactly why you deserve all your popularity and accolades.
And you seriously need to come to the beach house with us. That would be so much fun, two boys running along the beach.
Posted by: jodifur | July 30, 2008 at 01:29 PM
Amazing how the curve of his cheek is just exactly the same. Beautiful pictures, Amy. I'm not crying, really.
Posted by: Frances | July 30, 2008 at 01:32 PM
Amazing how the curve of his cheek is just exactly the same. Beautiful pictures, Amy. I'm not crying, really.
Posted by: Frances | July 30, 2008 at 01:32 PM
oh my ovaries. so sweet, amy.
Posted by: Ashley | July 30, 2008 at 01:34 PM
Oh, please stop making me cry at work! This post was beautiful and touched me to the depths of my soul. We spend several long weekends at the beach (and a weeklong stretch) each summer. My son is now almost 4.5. Each summer that we go he changes, he gets braver, he sees things differently. And each summer, my heart breaks a little bit, knowing how precious this time with him is, how a child only has a short time to be a precious child. How beautiful to have what I'm feeling put into words. Thank you for this.
Posted by: Jean | July 30, 2008 at 01:43 PM
What a beautiful post. Thank you, Amy.
Posted by: Heather | July 30, 2008 at 01:47 PM
gah. i love this.
Posted by: ali, cheaper then therapy | July 30, 2008 at 01:48 PM
Oh christ I do NOT cry over soppy stuff, and yet here I am, having just put my own baby Noah to bed, reading your post and actually welling up.
I never want to wish my son's life away, yet I cannot wait to get to where you are now.
Awesome. Just awesome.
Posted by: Jay | July 30, 2008 at 01:51 PM
God, I love the beach. So glad Noah does too! LOVE those two pictures-your preshus! Oh, and his hair? Totally looks adorable now. Not geeky little boy at all. His curls are winning the fight.
Posted by: Becca | July 30, 2008 at 01:52 PM
That was very sweet and is still exactly the way I feel about my 19 year old first born. It doesn't change.
Posted by: samantha | July 30, 2008 at 01:58 PM
(...Bawling my eyes out...)
I just found out this morning that I am having a little boy and reading this is just the prefect thing for my hormonal state. I can't wait to see all these things myself. Thanks for showing me how great it can be.
Posted by: christina | July 30, 2008 at 01:59 PM
serioulsy tears in my eyes here! what a very touching post, those boys are lucky to have you.
Posted by: Alicia | July 30, 2008 at 02:02 PM
Love those last two pictures; I can’t believe how well they match one another. Looking forward to taking my son to the beach, it won’t be the first time, but will be the first where he’ll be able to really play.
Posted by: Rick Bucich | July 30, 2008 at 02:06 PM
This post is beautiful! Totally tearing up at my desk..
Can't wait to experience the joy of children for myself... :)
Posted by: Meghan | July 30, 2008 at 02:06 PM
There's something wrong with my throat. I can't swallow.
Posted by: zdoodlebub | July 30, 2008 at 02:16 PM
Beautiful! My son is 6 months old, and growing so fast. I was just putting away groceries, and realizing, as I put away a sack of flour, that my son used to be that size. It was one of those "aww" moments, when I looked at the flour, and looked at my son, all 18lbs and 28 1/2 inches of him, and just smiled.
Posted by: Channah @ Get a Grip, Mom! | July 30, 2008 at 02:25 PM
Beautiful post. Beautiful last two photos and how they match!
Posted by: Victoria | July 30, 2008 at 02:36 PM
makes me sad to see these kids grow so fast.... but when things like this happen in my life, i'm so thankful that i took the time to realize how happy this all makes me.
Posted by: vanna | July 30, 2008 at 02:38 PM
Dang it, now I am crying at work.
Posted by: Bethany | July 30, 2008 at 02:48 PM
That's beautiful...
I truly think that since he's had such an awesome time at the beach, he'll remember it. It's amazing what young minds can remember. My Little Man also loves the beach. What is it about little boys and beaches and buckets? There's something truly wonderful about that equation!
Glad you had such an awesome time!
Posted by: Kia | July 30, 2008 at 02:52 PM
Lovely. Very, very lovely, Amy.
Posted by: jody | July 30, 2008 at 02:52 PM
* sniff *
All blubbery now. Love those last two photos!
Posted by: Amber | July 30, 2008 at 02:57 PM
Aaaannnddd....I'm crying.
Posted by: Brittany | July 30, 2008 at 03:02 PM
Wow. Your way with words just moves me. It makes me impatient for motherhood even more.
Posted by: Sheenah | July 30, 2008 at 03:08 PM
Come on! You're making me cry :-) My baby boy is 16 months right now and developing into a little man overnight. We're pregnant with our second one right now too and I'm trying to cherish every moment of just being his mama.
Posted by: Erin | July 30, 2008 at 03:27 PM
Beautiful.
Posted by: Tara | July 30, 2008 at 03:27 PM
very sweet. but dude, now I've got the song 'when i see you smi-i-ile, i can change the world who-oa, yeah i can do any thing' stuck in my head. thanks a lot.
Posted by: imanitsud | July 30, 2008 at 03:30 PM
Aww, that last part especially was soo sweet. *tear*
Posted by: Ashley | July 30, 2008 at 03:37 PM
Beautifully written, Amy...and the pictures were wonderful too. You've once again brought me to tears...
Posted by: Cindy | July 30, 2008 at 03:53 PM
I'm so glad the baby belly sticks around for a few years because otherwise I'd seriously be questioning if all that magic of the "firsts" ever really happened. (Though seeing a belly on a 40-year-old man doesn't arouse the same nostalgia.)
Posted by: rachel beto | July 30, 2008 at 03:57 PM
Way to make a pregnant lady cry!
That's just about the sweetest thing ever.
Posted by: swankette | July 30, 2008 at 04:19 PM
Cutest post of the day x10. It almost makes me want to make some babies, but don't tell the bf that or I'll be knocked up within the hour!
Posted by: Sarah | July 30, 2008 at 04:25 PM
That was a beautiful post--what a lucky boy to have his Mom document his early childhood so beautifully. It is a gift to him for later in life!
Posted by: anna | July 30, 2008 at 04:30 PM
The two pictures are so perfect. I do the same thing, the big goofy grin... I can't seem to decide which age I like the best, because they're always doing something wonderful.
xo
b.
Posted by: just beth | July 30, 2008 at 05:03 PM
You know what's the best thing about all that? I don't think you even realize how incredible and wonderful and stupendous it is that he so happily plays in the sand and the water.
My nephew does that happily now too, but only because he has gone through the same therapy as Noah. When my nephew was first labeled a sensory-issue kid, we had coincidentally recently taken him to the beach and it was sheer horror: touching sand and water freaked him out and he was inconsolably anguished by the whole experience, as if we'd made him attend a special party in hell just for him.
I can't express how that was for my family.
But after going through the same kind of intervention and therapy that Noah went through, and coming out the other side with the same flying oclors as Noah, makes taking him to the beach these days a pure pleasure. He LOVES it.
So, yeah, this was a great post and made me smile. For so many reasons.
Posted by: anonymous | July 30, 2008 at 05:07 PM
That last photo did me in.
Posted by: Angella | July 30, 2008 at 05:22 PM
...feeling a little verklemped!
Posted by: mandy | July 30, 2008 at 05:29 PM
anonymous -- oh, but I DO. There was a reason we didn't take Noah to the beach last summer. Dirt, sand, grass...even mulch at the playground sent him into hysterics. I don't know what his reaction to the ocean would have been, but my gut tells me it wouldn't have been good.
Another reason we sat there with huge, ear-to-ear smiles on our faces the whole time, because sure, he's a quirky little kid, but mostly? Just a KID.
Posted by: Amalah | July 30, 2008 at 05:48 PM
Ok, Preggos over here crying. As in tears streaming down my face. I just love the way yo still see him as your baby. Clarified something I've been feeling about my son lately.
Posted by: Christina | July 30, 2008 at 06:11 PM
Amy...you made me get all teary! Those last two photos are just perfect. You have such a way with words and as I'm getting ready for Aurora's 1st birthday it just made it all the more personal. I heart you.
Posted by: Christina | July 30, 2008 at 06:30 PM
Those comparison photos are amazing. There's the same little tilt of his head.
Posted by: Sarah | July 30, 2008 at 06:32 PM
*SNIFF*
My oldest is approaching 9, and I can't see the baby anymore. You will be so grateful for all of your writing here.
Posted by: Asha {Parent Hacks} | July 30, 2008 at 06:40 PM
Simply beautiful. A friend once told me that one day he was driving his baby daughter to daycare and it was pouring rain. When he saw the look on her little face, he realized it was the first time she'd ever seen rain, and he was so moved he had to pull over for a moment to collect himself.
Isn't parenthood so hard and so wonderful? Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: christine | July 30, 2008 at 06:43 PM
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Off to figure out when I can take my boy (just turned 3) to the beach.
Posted by: Rebecca | July 30, 2008 at 06:46 PM
Gorgeous, Amy.
Posted by: Kyla | July 30, 2008 at 06:57 PM
Maybe it's my pregnancy hormones, but that made me cry since I had a similar experience with my oldest recently.
Posted by: Amber | July 30, 2008 at 07:05 PM
Thank you and Noah for letting this old lurker see things for the first time again, through both your eyes. Your writing has carried me through some tough times this last year. Thanks, Amy.
Posted by: Deb McGee | July 30, 2008 at 07:15 PM
Thank you and Noah for letting this old lurker see things for the first time again, through both your eyes. Your writing has carried me through some tough times this last year. Thanks, Amy.
Posted by: Deb McGee | July 30, 2008 at 07:16 PM
Thank you and Noah for letting this old lurker see things for the first time again, through both your eyes. Your writing has carried me through some tough times this last year. Thanks, Amy.
Posted by: Deb McGee | July 30, 2008 at 07:18 PM