A Post About Boobs. But You Know, the Lame Mommyblog Functional Sort of Boobs.

Ezra's Lullaby

(A work in progress)

(New verses added nightly)

(Sung to the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey")

(And whatever, like people on American Idol write their own songs or anything EITHER)

High-maintenance baaaaby,
Why won't you sleep?
When you stay up all night,
You're kind of a creep.

High-maintenance baaaaby,
Why do you cry?
You're fed, changed and swaddled,
What the eff else can I try?

High-maintenance baaaaby,
Why do you sob?
You're making me look very
inept at my job.

High-maintenance baaaaby,
Why do you fuss?
Something something something.
Duck-billed platypus.

High-maintenance baaaaby,
Wants nothing but boob.
And play World of Warcraft,
And go pwn some noobs.

High-maintenance baaaaby,
All covered in cheese.
I'm going to eat you.
I'll start with your knees.



Bwah ha!

Sprite's Keeper

Can we suggest some additional lyrics?
High-maintenance baaaby
My little time hog,
You keep me from updating
My popular blog(s)
(Can be plural if Noah gets in on the action!)


I have been following your blog and your Twitters for a few months now all because of a chance stumbling upon your Countdown to 40 on AlphaMom and yet this is the first time I have been compelled to comment.

The line, "Something something something.
Duck-billed platypus", literally made me spew water all over my laptop screen.

As someone who writes songs and plays music for a living I must say that you might have a future in music! Write some more and I just might record them for you...

Seriously, thank you for the laugh.


LOL that is hilarious.... does your baby play Horde or Alliance??? :-D


The most beautiful - and meaningful - lullaby I've ever heard.


Do you really even need the cheese to make Ezra nom-able?


Love!! (The platypus is my fave.)

Might I suggest these little tweaks:


You're making me look quite
inept at my job.


You make me look very
inept at my job


Forgive, forgive, it's just the English major in me bursting to do SOMEthing with the yeaaaaars spent drowning in rhyme scheme...


I was just thinking, "man, with Exra, Amalah hasn't even complained that he doesn't sleep --- it must be true that second babies are soooo easy." Glad to have a dose of reality, and yet, sorry this is your reality ...


Oh I'm a typing IDIOT. I'm so sorry --- Ezra, of course.


Sweet baby Ezra ... I'm sure he'll start to sleep, soon. I was thinking this second baby was all sugar ... but, nope, here's a wee bit of spice.


Best duck-billed platypus mentioning lullaby EVER (and possibly the ONLY one... :)


Oh dear, you've lost your mind completely, haven't you?



I'll be humming that tune for the rest of the day...



Whoever said second babies are easier wrote it during sleep deprivation.

all things BD

The something something something, duck-billed platypus line rocks.

Mike Gatten

Hi! I’m Mike Gatten, inventor of Miracle Blanket, and your blog was just brought to my attention. I noticed your mention of the Miracle Blanket and I wanted to say a HUGE thank you! As a matter of fact, we can’t thank you and others enough for helping us spread the word. We really want to help other parents avoid the all-too-common problem of sleep deprivation with a newborn, but we have found that getting the word out is incredibly difficult. People just don’t believe us when we tell them it might be “this easy.” The fact is, advertising doesn’t work for a product like ours, so we rely solely on word-of-mouth from parents and professionals who have been so great as to give us a try and then tell everyone about their experience.

To show my personal gratitude I want to thank you with a free Miracle Blanket! If you don’t need it for yourself you might give it as a gift or maybe a giveaway on your blog.

Please call Susan in Marketing and she will send you a free Miracle Blanket of your choice – really! (214) 675.0539.

And again, thank you so very much!



a masterpiece, one that he will surely love as a teenager :)


I love it! I'm a big singer of made-up nonsense songs featuring my kids' names, which they tolerate with only a little eye rolling. But your platypus line put all my something-somethings to shame.

I hope you get some rest soon!




Bwahahahahaha! Love the platypus line.


My favorite one that I wrote:

Sung to the tune of "I Want to be Sedated" by the Ramones.

20-20-20-4 Bites to go-o-o
I want to eat some peaches
Peaches everywhere but the hairbow-o
I want to eat some peaches

So get them to my mouth,
get them to my face
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Pick up your stupid pace

O-o-o-o-o I want to eat some peaches.

We sang that pretty every babyfood meal.

Jen L.

Um, that? Made me pee.


That... was hilarious.

Poor Ezra. He obviously just loves being around his mommy. You really should be flattered... :-)


Love the song!

another suggestion...
High-maintenance baaaaby,
All whining and not cute.
If you keep crying.
I'm selling you to the zoo.

High-maintenance baaaaby,
It's getting very late.
If you keep crying.
I'll put you on ebay.

they need some work, but you get the point.

Reluctant Housewife

I love it! Does high maintenance baby like it, too?

Parsing Nonsense

You'd think all the laughing and being adorable would wear the kid right out!


pwn some noobs it what did it for me. I snorted my water up into my sinuses.

bethany actually

Someday when you're making zillions of dollars in royalties for this song, you'll be thankful for Ezra's high-maintenance-ness. ;-)

Also, you scored a free Miracle Blanket! Sweet!


HA! I am so singing this to my 10-year old tonight. Talk about high-maintenance - she had a hair-related meltdown this morning. I thought for sure I'd have another 2-3 years before that happened.

High maintenance baabyy
I must put you down
You're punching my ticket
To cray-crayzeetown


Adorable. Makes me wonder what my mom sang to me. haha ;)

Aimee Ledwell

That was sooooo awesome. Thank you.


"I'll start with your knees"

HA! favorite!

and that's waaaaay nicer than some of the lullabies I made up for my kids. *snicker*


Best lullaby ever! Will start memorizing it for when my niece has her baby next month!


I'm impressed at your restraint. My lullabies for my second, non-sleeping baby generally include expletives - sung lovingly - of course. Whatever you do, do not be tempted to crack open any Sleep Whisperer Lady Expert person's book. It will only make you scream. (My throat is still raw from making that mistake this weekend.)


Love the lullaby. And feeling you on the lack of sleep. ditto on all of the sleep books with previous comment, though. Those people don't know sh** about our kids. Only time and growth will help them sleep. SIGH. I hope you get some much-needed rest!!!


I love the lullaby =) The question is: does it work?

Lol the platypus line is my favorite.


For some reason, either in all caps doesn't look like it's spelled right. EITHER. See?


cute song, but it puts my stomach in knots for you! ... have you tried using an exercise/birthing ball to get him to sleep? it's the ONLY way we were able to get my youngest to sleep for the first 5 months of his life, but it worked like a *charm*. we'd bounce him on it for 5-10 minutes and he was OUT. nothing else worked. i've since heard of others using the trick, so maybe it would work for you :-)


My son is about 2 weeks younger than your Ez, and also quite large. When he was about 9 weeks old, I had HAD IT with the all-nighters. I tried everything. And what finally worked? Cutting out dairy from my diet. Now, I don't drink milk, and I always use soy on my cereal, but I loves me some cheese. All kinds of cheese. Cheese, cheese, and more cheese.
6 weeks later, cheese-, ice cream-, and yogurt-free and my baby sleeps 5 hours straight at night and fusses much less overall. I am convinced he would sleep longer if he weren't such a hungry guy.
Anyhow, that's my suggestion, for what it's worth. You might give it a week and see how you do... Of course, I am still totally in cheese withdrawal, but the sleep is nice.


Love the lullaby. LOVE IT.

On a serious note, have you tried NOT swaddling him and just putting him down? I know, crazy, right? I am a HUGE fan of the Miracle Blanket. It worked wonders on my son - got him to sleep through the night. I bought it for everyone I knew and even brought it to the hospital when I had my daughter. Now she is a different animal. After so many nights of PRAYING "Would you please sleep through the night?!?!" And her waking up and fussing after 2-4 hours, I just went cold turkey and put her down in her crib w/ no Miracle Blanket the night she turned 4 mos. Lo and behold... she turned her head to the side and slept for 12 hours. I kid you not.

Love your blog - thanks for the smiles (and tears).


I just sang this to my husband and we both can't stop laughing now....ah the joys of motherhood


We weren't as kind when singing to my nephew...

(partial lyrics)
Jonathan, don't you cry
Jonathan, or I'll poke you in the eye
Jonathan, I'll give you something to fuss about...nothing to fuss about, oh no


Since this song as been stuck in my head ever since I read it, a thought has occurred to me. This really could be the autobiography of Kanye West. I hate him...

Also, congrats on the miracle blanket! I really need to get one for my niece. And I really wish I'd had one for my babies.

Kari Weber

Our favorite song sung to my son 3 1/2 years ago:

Rock A Bye Baby
In the tree toooooop
When oh when will this crying
Ever effin stooooooop?


to the ABC song:

Please oh please just go to sleep
Mommy needs a little sleep
Please oh please just quiet down
The neighbors are moving right out of town...

A little forced... but they worked.
Good Luck!


I used to sing made-up verses to the tune of "Red River Valley" for my little Alison Insomniac.

"Won't you please go to sleep,
My little punkin?
Your cry-ing is hurting my ears.
Even though I love you
more than any-thing,
You're about to be grounded for years"

"Why won't you let me put you
in your bed now?
My arms are hurting so very bad,
This rocking stuff has just
got to quit now,
Please start pre-ee-fer-ring your Dad"


I'm going to steal this to sing to my (now 4 week old) son.


Love this blog.

I too sing a song to the same tune for my little guy, much less creatively lyriced, and I am ashamed to admit that I'd forgotten the original was Old Smokey, I only remember the 'lost my poor meatball' version from camp.

Anywho, I've just set up my Amby bed and I'm now ready to do an infomercial for those people. My little guy, 6 week old dream baby, engages in a fussy 5 - 10 pm period, and sometimes likes to play when he wakes in the middle of the night. Amby bed has made life better all the time. It swings and bounces, the baby *loves* it, and with it right next to my bed, I can practically bounce it in my sleep. Practically. I like this as an alternative to swaddling, which worked ok for him but kind of broke my heart (the way that child would scream right before stopping the screaming, oy), plus involved lots of active me bouncing, whereas the amby is just a flick of the wrist. I got mine used, wasn't even too pricey (otherwise, it is a bit of a mint item, sadly).

My two cents. Good luck with more sleeping, and as noted above, I adore your blog, having cherished it through pregnancy and beyond.

Kris H.



I'll add a verse:

High-maintenance baaaaby,
We all love your mom,
She's a really great writer,
And her blog is da bomb.

Katie Kat

*Stands and applauds whilst wiping a tear from her eye* Jus' so boootiful! Do your talents never end? :)


This was good. The cute giggly baby videos were making me think that my decision to stop after three babies was rash. Perhaps I need another one of those cute, adorable little things?

But this... this reminded me why my decision to stop after three was a well thought out and informed decision.



haha! love it!


Hey, compared to me, you are a damned imaginative songwriter. I do things like sing the phrase "bunny cereal" (i.e. the organic, fruity bunny cereal at Whole Foods) to the tune of the Hallelujah chorus.

You rock.


High-maintenance baaaaby,
I've tried all the tips
I've swaddled and rocked you,
still sound comes from your lips

High-maintenance baaaaby,
Won't you be a dear
for one minute stop screaming,
'cos my MIL's here

Sarah in Huntsville

At least that's a little less likely to have DHR called on you than our song, "Mommy's Gonna Put You In a Woodchipper." Not everyone laughs at that one.

(Like we'd go out and rent a woodchipper when there's a perfectly good DRYER right at home.)

Belly Girl

I just found out yesterday that I am pregnant with baby #2 - and you are seriously making me scared and excited.


This was so fantastic.


LOVE IT, ha ha!! I just found out I'm PG so I have about 7.5 months to learn this song!

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