Don't Bite My Butt & Other Dubiously Connected Topics
Do Not Push the Big Red Button

And all you other mothers can't deny

This morning started off with me randomly composing a song for Ezra about how much I like coffee, sung to the tune of "Baby Got Back."

Five minutes later, I realized I'd forgotten to put the inner basket in the coffee maker and there was a veritable flood of delicious, life-forcian coffee seeping all over the countertop and under appliances and soaking the fancy baby food cookbook that I'd just used to whip up some homemade barley cereal that was promptly rejected with EXTREME PREJUDICE and those stupid brown hippie paper towels fucking SUCK but those pre-fold diapers really are pretty handy so I guess I can still keep my newfound crunchability cred except for the part where I cursed out the coffee maker in the presence of my three-year-old, but needless to say the day did not necessarily get much better after that, except maybe for when I finally got to shower at 4:30 pm, just in time for Jason to get home so I can open some wine because I STILL HAVE STANDARDS, PEOPLE.



I like big babies and I cannot lie! lol


Um, yeah! Prefolds freakin' rock for cleaning up spills. When we were potty training I kept them close at hand to soak up pee from the carpet. Better than a ShamWow.

Kandace - One Crazy Chick

Whew, I'm glad you still have crunchability cred, I was worried there for a second while you were cursing your crap-tastic recycled paper goods.


That is so funny -- I also have a song, Baby Bok Choy, set to the tune of Baby Got Back. "I like Bok Choy and I cannot lie. . ."

Hate when I have a coffee problem. The pain is compounded because you're cleaning up a terrible mess before you've had coffee!


Yikes, showers when husband comes home. I remember those days! :( Stick to the good paper towels! Aren't you doing enough for the environment with your hippie diapers???


I know those days, and I most definitely do NOT have children.

Wine will help.

Wine ALWAYS helps.


Have you seen this? You might relate.


I always figured it was a productive day if I managed to get my bra on. Everyone needs standards to live up to.


You have just validated my morning choice of running through Scooter's for coffee. My first thought upon waking this morning was "ok, when can I get a nap."


it's good to have standards :-)


What I love most about this entry is each paragraph is ONE sentence. Whooh.


This is why I love you Amalah - you have the power to take a shitastic morning and turn it into comic gold. Keep on keepin on.

The Informal Matriarch

I just came across your blog today, hilarious. Your day sounds a lot like mine. Make up songs, spill stuff, swear in front of the 3 year old and then drink about it all later :)

Jen L.

I definitely used a maxi pad to clean up coffee this morning. I knocked my mug off the bathroom counter while plucking my brows. Didn't want to stain the white towels, ya know?

Yay for wine! That sounds like a good idea right about now...


That really is such a versatile song. SO catchy. I've often said that Big Lots should buy the rights to it. Ya know... "I like Big Lots and I cannot lie." I would totally shop there if that was their jingle!


I'm partial to Beyonce's latest:

All the Stinky Babies
All the Stinky Babies
All the Stinky Babies
All the Stinky Babies
If it's stinky then you shoulda used a wipey on it.
If it's smelly then you shoulda changed the diaper on it,

Uh-uh-ohhh, oh-oh-ohhh, uh-uh-ohhh, oh-uh-ohhh....

Kimberly C

i have a friend that is an electrical engineer, with a master's degree. When he visits my house, he isn't allowed to TOUCH my coffee maker. Seriously, he forgets either the filter, the coffee, the water, the pot or to turn it on. I have decided that geniuses can't make coffee. Congrats, you're smart! Or you have Mommy brain. And cursing? I told my two year old yesterday that dinner wasn't ready yet because "Mommy F**ked up" Yeah, stellar moment that.

Sprite's Keeper

Ouch. Losing the coffee is definitely curse-worthy.


Which fancy baby food cookbook do you have - and do you like it?


Was it the D&M Coffee? Hope not because that would be tragic! (I am fully aware that it could all be gone by now. Hope not. ;-))

Ricky Samuelson

Greetings from a 13-year-old!

Ouch, coffee mess. My uncle is completely ADDICTED to coffee and won't stop drinking it. Do you know that if you can cause muscle twitching? Pretty weird, right?

-Ricky Samuelson of


I have no children, thus I have no excuse. However, I have made coffee all over my kitchen counter more than once (how many times in nunya!). I'm also famous at work for starting a latte at our super fancy machine, getting involved in a conversation, and cleaning the entire kitchen after everything overflows and fucks everything up. First thing in the morning. Yay me. And they still love me, thank God, because I make a mean latte when I'm paying attention. As Laura said to me last week, "Jess, This is just like Starbucks!" And I was just happy it wasn't all over the damn floor, counter, sink, etc. Again, Yay, Me.

Kristine Sorochinsky

Start drinking vodka.


I had such a shitty day with the incredible non-napping baby.
You gave me my first laugh. Might have been helped by the wine I'm drinking. Cheers!


That's the best sentence I've read today!!


I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who makes up on-the-spot versions of random songs. I never know which song I'm going to cover next. :)

Hmm, yes, the coffee spill. This is precisely why I've given up coffee for the most part -- too many things to possibly go wrong at such a crucial time in the morning. Also, me before coffee = GRRRRRRRR. :) So now I'm just tired. Ah well.

the wine makes everything seem so much easier.... red or white, it doesnt matter..... spills, what spills!!


We had a coffeemaker that would do the grounds-and-boiling water flood randomly, JUST BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE IT. And the fun thing is the grounds because when you throw towels on it to soak up the water it leaves y ou with the grounds which refuse to be blotted up and start rolling around everywhere like little crunchy coffee marbles.

But yes, prefolds rock for cleanup. 3 years after the last prefold adorned a toddler butt, we have a stash of them in the hall closet for emergency cleanups. Two XL toddler prefolds will soak up an entire watering can of water (that you left next to the christmas tree and forgot to put away and the 5 year old kicked it over all over the hardwood floor). I need to write a book: Things do to with Prefolds Other than poop in them. Because they are awesome.


Losing coffee - bad
Making it up for it with wine drinking? Priceless


Losing coffee - bad
Making it up for it with wine drinking? Priceless


Phew. I have to say spilt coffee does SUCK, but it is a relief to read this after all the other dramaz happening out there on the internetz. Maybe yesterday the planets were misaligned or something? I wish everyone in the world had your attitude. Can tomorrow be International Blog-Readers Chill Out With A Glass Of Wine Day? Thanks.


When my son was an infant, I'd give him a bath and sing Chingy's "Holidae Inn" i.e. "Ryan be pimp chillin' in his hot tub..."


HA! I've been there, minus the baby got back song.

Wait till you use cloth diapers to wash your car. They are magical!


Wait a minute, two entries in a row you have mentioned some sort of quality time with your husband (unless you drink the wine alone after he comes home to watch the kids). How do you manage that? I have two boys near the ages of yours, and I see my husband only in passing. Oh, and occasionally I am aware of sharing the bed with someone bigger than a breadbox.

Katie Bug

Ok, I totally have a song all about the stuffed cow that I use to keep my son occupied during diaper the Spiderman theme...

Potty Cow, Potty Cow
Does whatever a potty cow does.
Does he moo, when he poos?
Yes he does, he's a cow.
Here's comes the potty cow... which point potty cow appears and dances for a minute before I ferverishly attempt to fasten the new diaper before he flips over.


Amy- your blog is seriously sucking these days and you have become really annoying.


YOU ARE HILARIOUS! I think I've said this before, but reading your blog daily brings me so much joy! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! :)

Missie is the reason my children still have a home.

Coffee...nectar of the gods.

Coffee...the new crack.


that was one long sentence! haha

ohh coffee drama, there is a lot of that in my house as well.


I like caffeine and I cannot lie...

My "baby" turns six on Friday. I still have a stash of prefolded cloth diapers on hand because they are awesome for spill cleanup, furniture polishing, and many other household functions.

Wine is almost as life-forcian as coffee, IMO. The only thing better than wine is wine that is brought to your doorstep- I almost danced for joy when my wine club delivery came yesterday.

Catherine S

Is katie for realz?

Coffee and wine, mmmmmm. I have a daily habit for both. Only I don't get my wine till 9 (pm okay?) since husband travels 5 days a week. Oh woe is me;)


I sing a version of baby got back to my dog Buddy. He's got hip issues so he's skinny in the middle parts, but wonderful. Goes like this:

I love Budro and I cannot lie
Those other doggies can't deny

Skinny in the middle but he's got much heart
Skinny in the middle but he's got much heart

Parsing Nonsense

So sorry your barley baby food got the shaft, but doesn't barley smell delicious?


I'm definitely gonna second the comment above recommending Vodka - glorious vodka. Did you know you can melt Skittles in it and *voila* candy flavored booze. Seriously, what could possibly be better than that?


I'm definitely gonna second the comment above recommending Vodka - glorious vodka. Did you know you can melt Skittles in it and *voila* candy flavored booze. Seriously, what could possibly be better than that?


The skittles take about 24 hrs to melt in the vodka so if you're in a hurry to forget your day(like me) just mix it with some lemonade or Sprite.

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