The Best Answer To That Annoying "So What Do You DO All Day" Question Yet

So Get Out Your Strollers and Jump Around

Today I am going to write the post I intended to write yesterday, before it got understandably bumped to make room for the whole near-death-by-Archer-Farms-Organics thing. Once you read this post, you will understand why comments along the line of "wow, you're really good in a crisis" cracked my shit up PROPER, because: no. Just no.

(And now that I've gotten the whole third-grade writing assignment "this is an essay about frogs and why I like frogs and in conclusion frogs are cool" format out of my system, on with the show frog blog!)

Imagine! If you will! Noonish on Wednesday! Preschool pick-up timeish! I head out to the car, baby in tow, and hit the remote to unlock the doors. No response. I try again. Nothing.

Awwwww hell. That's a dead battery, right there.

I unlock the door with the key and try to start the engine anyway, but la la la, it is indeed dead as a doornail.

"Well. Crap!" I cheerfully remark to Ezra, who is sitting in his car seat on the ground. Luckily, we bought a gadget just for this very problem! A handy portable battery jumper that plugs into the cigarette lighter, because Jason said he preferred if I WASN'T hooking stuff up to the actual battery, LIKE HA HA, VERY FUNNY.

Like I even know where the battery is. Whatever.

The battery charger was in the trunk. So I hit the trunk button on the remote. Oh, right, duh. I hit the unlock button on the door, still obviously new to the idea of "power" and "electricity" and "batteries" and look, I have a degree in COMMUNICATIONS, people. I minored in ENGLISH. I'm barely qualified to DRIVE.

So I walk around to the trunk and try to open it. Locked. And yes, I totally tried to unlock it with the remote. Again. I also don't really know how to override my brain's auto-pilot.

I go to use the key and...huh.

Where do I put the key?

(Background: it's a Subaru Forester. We bought it last summer, and until this very moment I had never opened the trunk with anything but the remote.)

Looking for all the world like a person Who Just Does Not Understand How The World Works, I search and search all over the trunk door, randomly poking the key at anything resembling a lock. Nope, that's screw. And that's another screw. What the fucking fuck?

I climb back in the driver's seat and looked for the manual trunk release. I manage to pop the hood and the gas tank and readjust the steering wheel, but there is nothing for the trunk. I look in the glove compartment, vaguely remembering a car I once owned that hid some important button in there, though I forget what it was. Batmobile-warp-setting? I look all over the floor and at this point I'm getting a tad WORKED UP because PRESCHOOL! PRESCHOOOOOOL!

Okay, fine. We'll do this the hard way. The hard, awkward, grunty way that will probably result in me flashing mom-ass-crack to the neighborhood while I climb over the backseat to try to open the trunk that way.

(The battery jumper was not just *in* the trunk, of course, in an easily accessible area -- it was buried in the bottom of the storage area under the floor, blocked by 1) a floor panel, 2) a hard plastic mat designed to protect that precious fucking floor panel, 3) two dozen reusable grocery bags, 3) a stroller frame for Ezra's car seat, 4) a single Maclaren umbrella stroller, and 5) the biggest heaviest goddamn fucking double stroller on the market today: the Phil & Ted's.)

I huff and puff and reach around all this garbage, desperately trying to reach the door, which...does not have a latch or a handle or a lock or a release button or OH MY GOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

I give up and call Jason to explain the situation. He doesn't believe me about the trunk thing. I go back to inspect the back door again, just to be sure, just because I have an incredible track record of finding the exact thing I swear is lost forever when I'm on the phone with Jason screeching about how something is lost forever BECAUSE YOU MOVED IT WHERE DID YOU MOVE IT YOU MUST HAVE MOVED IT SOMEWHERE I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA Oh. Look. Here it is! Never mind! Loveyoubye!

He suggests just getting the stupid jumper out of the trunk by way of the backseat. I whine about all the stuuuuuffff back there and how I can't put the backseat down or anything because then I'd have to take out the car seats and that takes forever and seriously I have to pull that heavy goddamn stroller over the backseat and that's going to be harder than you think because it's heaveeeeee.

"Yeah," Jason agrees. I swear I can hear him shrugging.

Because he is not giving me the sympathy for How Difficult Amy's Life Is Sometimes that I desire, I hang up on him.

I start pulling the big stroller over the seat, struggling to get a good grip on it, as my knees and legs are wobbling all over the base of Ezra's infant seat, but then I finally get it up and over and...wedged in by the back headrest, which it hadn't really occurred to me to remove. I push the stroller back into the trunk, remove the headrest and try again.

It takes a few good yanks before I get a good grip on the stroller and manage to get it up and over the seat, but I do, and at the last minute I overestimate the amount of force needed because OH CRAP THE WHEELS INERTIA HALP and the next thing I know the stroller makes it all the way over and falls on me, knocking me off my unsteady perch and my ass falls into the space between the driver's seat and the back seat and let me just tell you: my ass is too big for that space but I fold up like book anyway and end up wedged between the seats, with my ass dangling a couple inches off the floor, my back pushed forward by the recline of the driver's seat and OH HELL MY LEGS are buried somewhere under a ginormous, bright green stroller and my baby is still sitting on the asphalt in our next-door neighbor's parking space and I STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO OPEN THE TRUNK.

(I have, at least, figured out WHY the car's battery is dead: the ceiling light in the trunk got switched from the "turn on when the door is open" setting to the "be on all the time" setting, like WHY would anyone need that setting, that's a battery-killing stupid setting and if I had to guess how the setting got changed I would lay the blame squarely on the giant stroller currently cutting off the oxygen supply to my feet.)

I wriggle and wiggle and manage to get out from under the stroller and pull a few more items out of the trunk without further incident, and ta-da! I lift the floor panel (which only opens in the direction of the unopenable, Pharoah's tomb-like back door, OF COURSE) and blindly reach around and get my fingers on what I think is the battery jumper. And it is! And look! It still has the instructions attached to it. Oh, fucking happy day.

Step one! Turn unit on by pressing the ON/OFF button.


*press press*


Step two! If the unit does not turn on, you probably forgot to charge it up, moron.

Step three! Stand in the street looking pathetically around for someone, anyone who could give you a jump the old-fashioned way, provided they jumper cables, because you, of course, don't have jumper cables. Who needs jumper cables when you have an awesome portable battery jumper? You just keep in the trunk!

Step four! Call husband, have him leave work to go claim poor, abandoned child at school, take baby inside and search for the charging adaptor for the battery jumper, which you won't find but you WILL come across a six-inch solid chocolate Santa that your three-year-old got in his Christmas stocking.

Step five! Eat the aforementioned chocolate Santa. It's really the only logical conclusion to this mess of a story.


Cautionary Girl

So I drive a 2006 Jetta, and new trunks totally do no have keyholes. WTF is THAT about?

Hope your legs are okay, lovely. You did a lot more than I would've done. Which is to say I would've gone immediately into cry mode.


Talk about a comedy of errors. Maybe one day I'll tell y'all about the time I accidentally locked my baby in the car WITH my keys still in there too.



Thank God for the chocolate Santa.


I once rented a really stupid car, a volkswagon rabbit or some such nonsense. The trunk did not open. There were no buttons or gadgets, and the button on the key remote didn't even give me a click or a beep. Nada. I had to push the backseat forward and yank off the trunk cover thing every time I had to get something in or out of the trunk. Good thing we weren't traveling with luggage or anything! So when I went to return the car, I ranted and raved to the attendant about what a stupid, useless car it was with no way to open the trunk. I thought I'd get my money back, or a really good coupon at least. So the attendant walks around to the back of the car and with her pinky finger she pushes on the gigantic stupid VW logo on the trunk, and pop!



While I read this, I ate half a package of Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Chunk Milk Chocolate Macadamia cookies(Target run today, 2 for $5, THANK GOD I have another package to eat). The only thing missing was a photo of Ezra, in his car seat, on the ground, in your neighbor's parking space. Sorry I wasn't there to give you a jump...or a (much needed) cookie.


This was so amazingly hilarious. It's such a comedy of errors. I almost feel like everyone needs a story like this - a huge clusterfuck that's terrible at the time, no actual harm comes of it, and it leads to the best story ever. Mine is the attempt to move from Ohio to Connecticut in which my car got hit and then broken in two different ways all on the same day. All before we got on the road. :) Hopefully today goes better.


I have a degree in Radio/Television/Film with a minor in English and shit like this happens to me all of the time. Hmmmmmm.

I drive a Chrysler Pacifica and it doesn't have a rear gate handle thingie either. Inside or out. Weird.


Oh, I must respectfully dissent, re: stroller heaviness. You ever tried to lift the double Mountain Buggy? IT'S LIKE A DAMN ANVIL, MY GOD.


This just nearly gave me an anxiety attack. I think I need to go have more cake now.

Mommy Joy

When Jason came home did he realize how messed up the whole situation was and that you totally were not being an absent minded girly girl? Did he get to see the absolute pain in the bee-hind, UM literally, you had to go through to even get the charger out? If he's anything like my husband he would come up with some rational about how "if you would have done it this way..." Men, can't stand to be wrong ya know?


Man I was peein my pants by about the twentieth paragraph. Thanks for the laugh. Probably wasn't so funny for you.


That is a FANTASTIC story.

And I have this sneaking suspicion there is still a keyhole to the trunk that you didn't find. Some trunks have it hidden under like a logo or thing that slides to reveal it. Is there anything like that on the back of your car?


i'm thinking the light on all the time in the trunk option is for kidnapping victims. decent of you to leave those magazines in there!


I love you! This is totally something I would do. In fact, I had to miss work one day this winter because we got some unseasonably cold weather that killed my car battery.

Actually, the long version of that story is: This summer my sister in-law got married in Portland, OR. I live in Olympia, WA about 2.5 hours North. So we (me, hubs) drive to Portland for the Wedding Week festivities. A wonderfully fab friend of mine is going to, with my assistance, do all the wedding flowers. She doesn't drive down with us. Instead she flys down from Seattle for the day to do the flowers and I'm supposed to pick her up at the airport. I drive out there to the cell phone waiting lot, roll down the windows, and kill the engine whilst waiting for her call. She finally calls and I go to start the car. Nothing, not even a kitten mewl. Dead Battery! After many a mishap and telephone call I finally get a jump, pick up my friend, and vow to buy a new battery at first opportunity.

Fast forward 5 months to the ill-fated December day that brought 12 degree temps to a region that usually bottoms out around 30 and here's me with three out of four doors frozen shut (the unfrozen one is neither the driver door nor is it in the front of the car) and the same battery. The same dead battery. To top things off, I've managed to park nose in in the only spot in the entire complex that doesn't have a space next to it for another car to pull up a give me a jump. And lo, no self-contained battery jumpstart thingamajig that my husband said we should buy. And said husband was already at work across town. Hooray for snow days at the age of 28! And friends who will drive you to get a new battery, but only after you've missed the whole day of work.


Michelle: No. There totally really isn't.

(And I can say that with 100% certainty because after reading Jacquie's comment I freaking BOLTED outside and spent 10 minutes poking and prodding all the logos and letters and what-have-you on the back of the car.)

(Seriously, Subaru. Have you seen Jurassic Park? Relying on technology means you get EATEN BY DINOSAURS BECAUSE THE FLARES ARE IN THE GODDAMN TRUNK.)


I'm dying while reading this story. I locked my kid in the car when he was 9 months old. In Texas. In the Summer. In 103 degree weather. My husband saved me. I offered him certain "favors" if he would please come home and unlock it for me.

My son is 11 now. Lots and lots of special "favors" later....

Parsing Nonsense

I can't believe Subaru doesn't have a way for you to open the trunk without the remote! What if there was an alien attack, and they employed an EMP device and killed all our electronics, and you needed to get your kids the heck out of dodge and needed your double stroller but couldn't get to it because your remote didn't work. WHAT THEN?!?!?!?

strange bird

There may have been no keyhole, but hopefully you've checked your owner's manual now so that, if there is a way to get into the trunk with a dead battery without getting trapped in the backseat under a stroller next time, you'll know. :)


I totally want the job of writing the step by step instructions for gadgets like that. I could have all kinds of fun!

That must've really sucked at the time, but the retelling had me rolling (Fortunately my chair has wheels or it would've been much harder on me!)

Thanks for the laugh!


that was hilarious. As usual.

My "key" story was a few months ago - I borrowed my dad's car while he was on vacation in another faraway state. I got pulled over for going 6 whole miles over the speed limit - but mostly because there was a headlight out (and had been for awhile - should mention my father is a mechanic) and couldn't get to his insurance card because he had the glove box locked and had given me the valet key. Somehow, I got off with a warning.


Oh Amy. How I love you.

By the way, it is obvious after reading this story that all the problems you encountered herein are the fault of Jason, the Stroller, and probably Your Neighbour. Not you at all, since you are so awesome.


Oh god that was too funny. I am sure we could list a ton of other "innovations" that bite people in the ass like that. Seriously, no key hole? What the heck?

Megan Hook

My Step One would have included taking a Xanax and crying, but that's just me.

(BTW, don't by a new-fangled GMC Yukon XL which has so many computers that another car does not have enough battery power to jump it. You have to call AAA EVERY.TIME. At which point they chastise you for leaving the light on in the car because there's no way it could have been one of your three kids, right?)


Can you hear me laughing? Because I'm being loud enough that my husband is wondering about me. So sorry you had to go through all of this, but, so funny!

samantha jo campen

I'm EXHAUSTED reading that oh my hell. Excellent telling of the tale, though. Wow.


Thank you thank you. I so needed that laugh. Loveyoubye!


Hilarifuckinglicious. How have gone for so long not knowing about your blog? It's like reading something written by myself, only coherent and funny. Yay, you.

Sarah @ TM2TS

I'm laughing because I have been there before!


Your tweets had me cracking up on my way to work yesterday. And the full length version was just as funny. At least you got chocolate out of it and got to stay home. Is win-win, no?


Um yeh, I would've given up on that cause way before you did I think. And I probably wouldn't have a santa because I'd already eaten him.

DebbieS poor thing! When you got to the part with the chocolate Santa, my first thought was, "Eat the whole thing in one sitting!!".

So, any thought to re-titling this post, "Phil and Ted's Excellent Adventure"? :-P


Just when I think I can't possibly love you any more. OMG! This!

Jason owes you big time. I don't know what, he just does. A little sympathy, guy, come on!


Yep, we women sure can get our self in some "situations".
I want to see pictures of the trunk with no keyhole.


I soooo could have written that. If those Jasons had been Bobs I would have believed that I wrote it. I just had that can't find a key hole on the car anywhere issue the other day at the grocery store. How did we survive without this crap!!!!


You're are so damn funny. Awesome.


So, I'm dying to know... according to your Subaru manual, how DO you get into the trunk without the key?!? There MUST be a way. This is quite the cliffhanger....


Oh, honey. This sounds like something *I* woulda done. I send you the biggest virtual hug on the planet. AND I WOULD HAVE HUNG UP ON THE SHRUG, TOO.


This may be my favorite post EVER!! :D


loved this. i switched cars with my mom for a day so she could take my kids somewhere last month. she has a keyless start. i got to the store and couldn't turn off the car b/c the key was already out of the car. i finally got out and flagged someone down. I said "I'm a lawyer. I was magna cum laude at my nice little college. I can't turn off my car." glad i'm not alone.


I don't mean to sound like a stalker/groupie, but you are so effing funny- in every post. What a talent you have for writing. You should totally get a book deal. Just great.


Amy, you made me laugh as always...BUT you are very possibly correct, that there is no keyed access in the back...several people we know have had similar issues, (with many different kinds of cars) because it is a cost saving feature not to have keyed access on rear doors..they now keep jumper cables/battery chargers in the front seat of their cars, exactly for this reason, go figure.. just wanted to share, but you probably went to google right after that Santa you ate.


OK - VWs DO have keyholes people. Hidden in the little VW emblem on the back of the car. So as not to take away from the beauty of the ass end of the vehicle. I have no idea about subarus though. Sorry.

Hairy Farmer Family

Delurking to tell you that, even 19 months post partum, my bladder muscles are in NO FIT STATE to read posts like this. No fit state at all.

I had firmly believed that this was the kind of thing that could only inflict itself on me. So nice to know that it's Earl, me AND you getting the revisited karma from what I assume (me good girl!) is a previous life's serious misdeeds!


You are too freaking funny! Sounds like something I might have done...

But hooray for chocolate Santas!

Katie Kat

That's just about the funniest thing I've ever heard! The best part is I can just SEE it in my mind! I'm still wiping away the tears of laughter... you SLAY me!


You had me laughing in a meeting as I was getting the tweets of this. And to read the whole story dejesus christ you need to write a book!


If it makes you feel any better at all, when my oldest was a baby we were driving up to meet Daddy at work, and to kill some time (because we didn't want to arrive during a meeting or something), I decided to tool around in a parking lot. I think the baby may have been napping, as well.

I drove straight into a frakking lamp post, you know, one of those HUGE lights they have in parking lots? Yeah. Smack dab into it while going about 25 miles an hour. And I'm a college graduate.

Luckily the car was still drivable. The baby, when I ran back in a panic to check on him, was crying because he'd been woken up, but then he clapped his hands and said, "Again!" Yeah, probably it will happen again, kid, because your mother is that brilliant.

I also once hit a police car, broadsides, while trying to make a left turn. It was an unmarked police car, but STILL.


Oh, my god, Amy! I'm so glad you ate that chocolate! It would have been the only remotely logical thing to do at that point.

When my oldest was about 18 months old, I went to drop him off at day care and... yes, locked him in the car with the keys inside. When I went to the door to calmly explain that I needed help, my cool lasted about 2 seconds before I started bawling while my little boy sat in the freezing car, strapped in his car seat, crying and saying "Stuck, Mommy! Stuck!" She told me that if you call 911 and explain that there's a child stuck in the car, they'll send someone to open it. It took close to half an hour, but they did.

About a year and a half later, a new neighbor we had never met came to the door about 9 PM, sobbing, because her 18-month-old had locked the dead bolt when she went outside to turn off a sprinkler, and her husband was out of town, and her sister wasn't answering the phone, and was there anything we could do at all?

So I told her my locked-the-baby-in-the-car story and waited with her until her sister answered the phone and came with a spare key.

I'm so sorry for your horrible, terrible, evil car experience. And I hope it helps to know that you are so not alone!


Three car stories for you:

1. When I was an infant my mother accidentally locked me in the car. Luckily we were in Newark, NJ so she just paid a couple of guys on the corner to break in for her

2. When I was 4 I was in Puerto Rico with my father. We were driving around, & he was so distracted by the scenery that he drove into a parked car. A parked, Puerto Rican police car. I started crying because I was afraid he would get arrested, and that may be the only reason why he didn't. Also, the guy we rented the car from saw the accident & had to help de-wedge our bumper from that of the cop's car.

3. I was recently in a minor fender-bender (totally my fault) with the baby in the car. We were on our way home from the pediatric neurologist's office. Duhrrr.


I am not laughing at you I am laughing WITH you, right?

So imagine always driving something OLD. Which I always have. Now imagine your husband works nights, which mine always has. Now, your driving your normally dependable but OLD truck with big "man" tires on it, when it starts to sputter and die. You pull off the road, you try all the things that normally make the OLD truck sputter and die, which includes crawling under said OLD truck (on the side of the highway) and manually switching the gas tanks, because that switch is broken ALSO. Finally you have to resort to calling the neighbor and praying he hasn't cracked open a beer yet. (Yeah I live in one of THOSE neighborhoods) He comes to save the day, with a hammer. A few taps on the carb as my floats were stuck.
Yeah I would have thought of that! Moral, carry a hammer.


That was hilarious. Funny funny post. I'm telling you, you should soooo submit that to "In the Motherhood" I can totally see that portrayed on TV.


Substitute Missie for Amy and you could have my life story, right there. Including the calls to the husband, "where is such and such? yes, I looked there. yes, I promise I looked there. Yes, I thought to lift up blahblah to look for such & such. Seriously. Stop telling me to look there! Fine! I am standing right in front of blahblah with my hand on it lifting it right now for you, Are you happy yet? Oh. There is such and such. Never mind. You are so handsome."


If you guys decide to allow you to hook something up to the actual battery, I have a recommendation!

This thing takes up more space than it sounds like yours does, and it doesn't sound like you have abundant space to spare, but in case you can fit it ... this has saved me MANY times and does not need to be charged often!


Your story is very funny. I kept waiting to read, "every 30 seconds or so I checked to make sure noone had stolen Ezra." I know you did.


So perhaps the new-fangled Subaru Foresters function differently than my old-skool (2001) Subaru Forester or you're about to get really, really annoyed at yourself.

My Forester doesn't have a keyhole on the "trunk" because it's not on a separate lock from the rest of the doors. If I manage to unlock the car the trunk is magically unlocked along with everything else.

I always figured it was because the trunk isn't a separate part of the car, so it's not like having it on a separate key would help protect your stuff or anything.

Although, if that's the case with your car and it will make you feel any better, my husband STILL regularly asks me to unlock the trunk when he needs to get something out of the back of my car since he always forgets it works that way, too.


Amy. Do NOT (I repeat - DO NOT) buy a Prius. There is an "easy" access for the battery under the hood, but the industrial-strength jumper cables that the AAA guys use do not fit on it (the grippy parts are too bulky). I did the backseat scramble a few months ago when I left my car over the holidays with the stupid SmartKey thingie enabled. There was no baby equipment back there, but there was (1) a cargo net, (2) a floor mat, (3) a floor cover, (4) a spare tire, (5) a plastic tub, and (6) a side panel...that were ALL in the way. Luckily the AAA guy didn't laugh at me TOO hard.


Ok, so I just surfed into your blog, and I haven't laughed so hard in icantremember how long!!!


Did you ever find the keyhole?


and what did wonder preschool do while you were late? call cps for abandon child?

(I'm kidding, a little, b/c the school's track record isn't so good)


I'd have called a cab as soon as I realized how hard it'd be to find the gadget in the trunk.

Then again I'm so fortunate that my kid's school has transportation .I cant imagine picking him up and dropping him off every day. NOTHING would get done in my house, ever.

very funny entry. Love it.

PS. I've wanted to ask you so many times, with kids named Noah and Ezra I coulda sworn youre Jewish :D I'm amazed that you went for biblical names.


Oh and one more thing. In our brooklyn jewish community we have an organization called Chaverim. They are volunteers who give stranded cars a boost, change tires, etc. Too bad you dont have an org liek that where you live.


Okay, so your story was totally hilarious, really it was. But honestly? I couldn't quite concentrate, what with the nearly-naked boobs staring at me from your sidebar. . .I can't believe I'm the only one to comment on this! The hell? is LITERALLY hawking PASTIES on your blog, my dear! How do you feel about that?


OMG at this moment I am SO grateful for apartment living, where I can stop by my neighbor downstairs, the architect who works at home and is the nicest guy ever, and have HIM jump my car, while my kids are upstairs at another neighbor and out of my goddamn way while I am taking care of this.

Glad you're out of the mess. Oh, wait, are you? At least there was chocolate.


Oh, I've had days like that! I just press a re-set button on the day and wait for tomorrow to come. Ugh.

BTW, I am the crazy lady in the Accord in the parking lot behind Two Amy's Saturday night who yelled, "Amy I love your blog!" out the window as I drove off. Sorry, I'm not really a stalker--the husband was freaking out because he thought it would make us LOOK like stalkers and he was mortified I wanted to say hi. As we drove off I said, "I bet they were eating at Two Amys!" and my husband was all, "Yeah, I saw them waiting for a table as we were getting ours. The husband was walking his son around while I was walking Holden around." !!! So if you happened to notice a cute toddler in Wee Squeak shoes and a very pregnant lady in a black dress with a big pink birthday bag, that's who yelled to you from her car. But really. I'm not a stalker!!

Musings from Me

Chocolate always saves the day. Hey, how did the story end? Did you get the unit recharged? Or did a neighbor-in-shining armor arrive to save the day?

Abra Leah

Yeah for chocolate! :) We do we get ourselves into these situations? We are better than TV!


I'm kind of sorry, but the part of this where you fell and got wedged between the seats? I was cracking up. Also, thinking if that ever happened to me I am not sure I would have been able to get out by myself.


Um, just you so know - if you join AAA, they come jump your car. It might be worth it. And my kids continually turn the lights in my minivan on and I have to turn them off in the middle of the night. It is no fun. Although it must be to a 2.5 year old.


Bossy will take her vodka straight up with a twist. What, you ARE offering to buy drinks for those who suffered the hell that was your day, right?


Oh my, you totally needed that chocolate. My car doesn't have a keyhole on the trunk either, but it does have an easy to find lever inside the car.


Once again, I feel terrible laughing at you. Bwahahahahahahahah! So, are you okay? Are you bruised and battered? Hope not.

Alicia Millis

haha, that is quite the story! I recently got stuck in my spare bedroom trying to rearrange the furniture, I ended up getting the bed lodged in between the desk, door and wall making any escape impossible. it was quite the experience! i wish I had a chocolate santa to calm my nerves!

Sarah @

Step six: buy another six inch chocolate Santa as soon as possible. In preparation for next time.

Sarah @

Step six: buy another six inch chocolate Santa as soon as possible. In preparation for next time.


That's the kind of day where a lot of colorful words come spewing out of your mouth every 10 seconds. I hate those days.

Good thing you have Jason! I am always so thankful to have my hubby on days like that. And then on those days I get a renewed respect for all those single moms out there who are doing it all themselves. There is no fucking way I could do that. Kudos to those who can though!


Listen, you are incredibly funny. I love your writing. I've never commented before, but I just had to chime in today and say: write a book. Seriously. I would buy it and read it and buy it for other people. Just my $0.02. Thankee.


OH-the mental picture this paints! Hi-freaking-larious! Needed this today, thanks.

Mrs. Q.

That was the best thing I've read all day. I know-- screw me-- but it was hilarious. I think we have the same karma.


OK - so I was thinking about you this weekend because I have a Forester too and I was all rolling my eyes and wondering how it was you couldn't find the keyhole in the back because mine is RIGHT THERE and all obvious and stuff. But then I was driving around and every time I saw a Forester that was newer than mine, I looked for the keyhole on the back and COULD NOT FIND IT. So now I am completely consumed with WHERE IS THE KEYHOLE? and you never answered that question. I think this requires a follow-up post.

Fairly Odd Mother

OMG, I'm going to call my 65 year old mother right now b/c she has a Subaru and if she is unable to get into her trunk some day b/c her key beeper thingy is dead, she will FREAK the hell out and I will NEVER EVER hear the end of it.

kanal açma

Thank You..


i too own a forester and love it. i also checked my rear door to see if i could find a keyhole, and couldn't of coures.

while i was at my subaru dealer this weekend, i mentioned what i read in your blog. his answer was "you're right!"



email to my husband:
Preface: I read this blog every day and most of the time this woman sounds exactly like I was when had preschoolers and babies. (because what other mom uses the f word that much?) I took all of the actual f words out so that it might come through on your email. I know that this will take you some time to read, but I promise you will see the similarity and laugh.

His response: Ok this was absolutely the funiest damn thing I have ever read and it really is you!

I really do still hang up on him because he doesn't appreciate how hard my life is at least once a week. Now my children are old enough to "CALL YOUR DAD!" at work when we can't find something. :)


If it makes you feel better, I got one of those battery-jumper things for Christmas, and I charged it up and everything. It's still plugged in, in fact. In my kitchen. Nowhere remotely near my car, where it at least has a *chance* of being useful.


I keep a stash of chocolate in my car for just such emergencies! (But not in the trunk...)

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