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March 2009
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May 2009

Evaluation Nation, Part II

God, these things are getting boring. I've got them down to a science: Trot child in, answer questions, watch child stack blocks and complete puzzles and string beads, curse self for neglecting to cut child's long fingernails that are now caked with dirt because SOMEBODY has been reading The Snowy Day a little too much and wants to make snowballs out of EVERYTHING, including the mulch outside of school district office buildings, watch child absolutely excel years beyond his calendar age in educational concepts, watch child struggle with scissors and crayons and get increasingly agitated and line up toys obsessively and boil over when he's not allowed to pretend the occupational therapist's pencil is a choo-choo going through a tunnel of blocks, and finally then watch child wander away from the assessment team and get his head stuck in the miniblinds. Oh, and my favorite: Laugh your damn fool head off when asked if this is what you'd consider a "typical day." Even the conclusions are reruns now: fine and gross motor skill delays, sensory-integration-related behavioral problems. Oh, is that all you've got? YAWN. Bring it, dudes. I've Googled worse shit than that. And of course, the least surprisingly thing... Read more →

No Day Like Today

Noah's next big evaluation/assessment is first thing tomorrow morning. I've been busily anticipating it all day by not thinking about it. And blowing bubbles in the backyard. Then going to the playground. (The enthusiasm level was higher than in that last photo, I swear, since it's not 900 million degrees today.) Now everyone is running (or sort of lolling and flopping) around the house with no pants on and I don't exactly know what happened to everybody's pants, but I'm going with it. (Typical late-afternoon decline in quality childcare standards, I suppose.) There will pants tomorrow. And a lot of other similarly annoying things. Pants, man. So overrated. Today though. Today gets two thumbs up. Read more →

Meaningless Milestones

We upgraded Noah to a "big kid" booster seat this weekend. It did not go well. It is not going well. I'm not surprised -- honestly, the last time I bought him new SOCKS did not go particularly well either -- but there was no getting around it. Had to be done. Ezra's toes are hanging over the edge of his infant seat and I've been willfully ignoring that fact for a couple weeks and will continue to do for a little while longer, since I need Noah to finally accept the New Seat before the Old Seat reappears with the New Baby in it, lest the Old Baby decide don't know. Throw things at him. Whine a lot. Something terrible, I'm sure. I wasn't prepared to see Noah sitting there in a booster seat (EDITED TO POINTEDLY ADD: it's a hybrid booster seat model for kids 30 pounds and up, with the back and headrest that you later remove once they're old enough), looking both incredibly grown-up and yet dwarfed by the rest of the backseat, using the regular seatbelt like a regular person. What's this? Where's rest of the harness? Where are all the extra clips and... Read more →


Look, unless something spectacularly hilarious happens to me in the next five minutes, I'm posting photos AGAIN and calling it a week. It's either this, or I could talk about who's puking in our house this time. Oh, the thrill. Feel it. YOU FEEL THE THRILL! So...I don't know. I guess the couch could collapse while I'm typing, or I could trip and fall on my way to the bathroom, and maybe my back-up laptop would go flying out of my hands and land in the toilet in a Poetic Trifecta of Technological Irony. I guess that could happen. I'll keep you posted. EZRA vs. FORWARD MOTION EZRA vs. POLENTA (Also known as first time in the high chair [BITES KNUCKLE EEP], which I retrieved from the attic and promptly dropped down two flights of stairs. You know the tray part like, comes off? And stuff? And isn't like, a handle? I'd completely forgotten about that amazing feature. Good to know. Anyway, Jason was sure I'd killed myself for a couple minutes there. Sadly, no, not even injured a little, which would have at least given me something to talk about today.) MOTHER-SON SELF-PORTRAIT vs. THREE-YEAR-OLD (I seriously had to... Read more →

Tick Tick Tick Tick

Wut's this? Another photo entry? Two in a row? I judge. I judge HARSHLY. But wait! Here comes the excuse: Jason took MY similar-looking-yet-naturally-completely-different-and-non-compatible power adapter by mistake this morning. You know, because I have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the dead Macbook, other than sit and glare at it, because I'm so terrified that I'll find out that none of the data will be recoverable, therefore sitting and glaring seems like the less-scary, more procastinationlicious option. This means I'm still using an ancient Windows laptop that came with two batteries: one really small one with about two hours of juice and one bigger one with about eight hours, but of course the bigger one doesn't work anymore and the small one works for MAYBE an hour and I have other deadlines today like the Hoover Clean Freak site and ALSO I AM HOSTING A PLAYDATE TODAY ALERT THE MEDIA I AM ATTEMPTING TO MAYBE MAKE A NEW MOM FRIEND, and this is actually our second playdate (OMG) and on the last one I asked her what time it was and she said, "4:20" and I was all, "haaaaaaaaaaa 4:20" because it looked like she was laughing a little too but... Read more →

So You've Gone & Left Your iPhone in a Bathroom Stall at Nationals Stadium

Some handy steps and pointers: 1) STOP TAKING YOUR PHONE INTO BATHROOMS ALREADY, ASSHOLE. 2) Call phone, repeatedly. Curse out the automatic voicemail messaging service lady. 3) Head to Guest Services and the Lost & Found. Blank when they ask you to describe the phone. "Uh. It's a phone? 'Bout this big? Grayish/blackish/silverish? Supercute photo of this here baby *gesture to baby asleep in your cleavage* as the wallpaper when you turn it on?" 3a) Blank even blanker when they ask you for a phone number in case the phone does turn up. Run outside to find husband and ask what the hell his cell phone number is. Get impatient while husband blanks and pulls out his phone to search for his own damn number. 4) Hike back to bathroom to check for phone one last time, completely missing the childish look of wonder on your son's face during the post-game fireworks, for which you waited through extra innings of complete boredom for and are now the assholes who have babies and preschoolers out in the city at 11 pm at night and ARE ALSO PHONELESS, THIS IS ALL THE FIREWORKS' FAULT SOMEHOW. 5) Inventory the contents of your phone.... Read more →

Six Months

How? How how how? How are you six months old already? Don't make me bust out with the "but it feels like only yesterday!" cliches, young man. But seriously, weren't you a tiny smushy little newborn a few days ago? Oh, mighty Ez, it's going by so quickly it hurts. Everywhere we go, people ask. "Is he always this happy? Is he always this good?" And I have to sheepishly admit that yes, you are. You smile at everybody, and they of course smile back. How could anybody not smile at you, all round and satisfying and Gerber-baby perfect? I wasn't sure what to expect of you, little man. I was comfortable with the idea of you, of a boy, of another baby just like your brother. I generally assumed you'd be more difficult, harder to please, more awake-all-night-and-crying-all-day simply because your brother wasn't like that, therefore I was due. You go to bed like clockwork and you sleep all night. You take naps. You cry when you are wet, when you are hungry, and when you want to be held. Though you always, ALWAYS want to be held. I sometimes feel guilty that I am not documenting your babyhood... Read more →

Evaluation Nation

Where do I begin? On the one hand, I'm glad I never got around to writing that entry about all the fabulous leaps and bounds we've made with Noah over the past couple weeks -- at least not the version I had in mind, which was puff full of Confidence! We've Turned a Corner, Everything Is Fine Now! We're Totally Going To Rock This Evaluation Wheeeeeee! (I just love setting myself up to look like a complete jackass on the Internet. I really do.) On the other hand, I'm glad I at least mentioned it, because otherwise you'd all probably pelt me with your liquor bottles when I tell you Noah's results: Motor: Failed. Spectacularly. Vison: Passed. Non-surprisingly. Hearing: Abstained. With EXTREME PREJUDICE. (Though his tympanogram looked fine.) Cognitive/Educational Concepts: Passed, sort of. It's complicated. We'll say: Passed. With EXTREME ASTERISKS. Speech: Ha ha ha ha. Wait. No. Sit down. Speech: Passed. Spectacularly. The speech therapist praised his articulation (ha ha ha), his ability to label objects and actions and answer questions, his spontaneous speech (which mostly consisted of elaborate protestations and declarations of woe, misery and the unfairness of life as he knows it) and finally admitted that she... Read more →

So Many Entries to Write, and Yet I Give You This

I am losing mah mind over here, people. You know it's bad when I start breaking out the phonetic Southern accent that I don't actually talk with. 1) My baby is SIX MONTHS OLD today. Six! Such a random number to get worked up about, I know, but six! Half a year! Totally in need of a long detailed entry about the state of every tiny little thing he does! But who is going to write that, I ask you. WHO? All my ghostwriters called in drunk. 2) Noah's evaluation with the school district is TOMORROW. At the crack of 9 o'clock. And I've got a whole entry about THAT percolating in my brain, in which I confess that the last couple weeks have actually been w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l and we've made a lot of great p-r-o-g-r-e-s-s and now I have NO idea what to expect from him tomorrow, like I think there might be a chance we get sent home with zero services and I think I might be okay with that, because seriously: w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l. But the minute I say all of that out loud I just know I will jinx everything and come home tomorrow feeling like a truck up... Read more →