If This Post Had a Topic, I Would Summarize It Wittily Here

Breaking: Movie Stars Are Short, Need Sandwiches

(This fucking economy, man. Hollywood is HUNGRY.)

So last night I had the distinct privilege of being Linda's plus-one for the big! red blue carpet! premiere! of Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. (The PR team in charge of the outing: "You have a blog too? That's adorable!")

This is how we do big fancy movie premieres in DC, you guys:


Port-o-potties as far as the eye could see. As we pulled up in our glamorous stretch limo short bus in front of the Air & Space Museum and a huge crowd of people who had apparently not figured out that the celebrities were already inside, I could barely contain my excitement and sudden terror about tripping on the bus steps and falling flat on my face.


I did not fall down, which meant it was now time for the descent into increasingly embarrassing fameball douche behavior.


"Smile, people in crowd who don't have tickets to get in! We're posting these on our MOMMYBLOGS!"

(I cannot lie, though. Linda. Sundry! Seriously just as funny and wicked and potty-mouthed as you imagine, or at least desperately hope. Port-o-potty-mouthed. Between her sailorspeak and my tendency to worry out loud over whether my breasts were leaking, I think we made an AWESOME impression on the Hershey's PR people. By the end of the night we were speaking exclusively in some kind of weird mind-meld twin-speak where we finished each other's increasingly obscure sentences. The fact that she's getting on a plane to fly back across the country right now pretty much symbolizes everything that is wrong and unfair with the world.)


Night at the Museu: Battle of the Smithso!


My shoes. I would have gotten a pedicure, but I figured that's what the celebrities were expecting me to do. And that's precisely when they eat you.




Our first movie-star sighting! And it's the Butterscotch Stallion himself! He is short, for a stallion. Could strap on the old feed bag for sure. Toula! Eat something!

(Check out Access Hollywood's coverage and you'll see Linda trying to nonchalantly snap Owen's picture behind him. And to think, my elbow almost had its big break!)

(I am the blindingly reflective white person suppressing a cough in the way, way background at the 1:18 mark in USA Today's coverage, however.)


My camera thinks Owen Wilson should appear in one of those "Talk To Chuck" ads for Charles Schwab.


The back of Robin Williams' (very short) head. The lady in the sequins appears to be conducting an in-depth interview with his shiny jacket.


Ben Stiller. He's blurry because my camera doesn't have enough megapixels to properly focus on someone so tiny.


Ricky Gervais, who despite being considered on the portly side, basically looks like a completely normal and healthy-weighted person in real life. I'm goddamn chubbier than he is. Jason could fit half these people in his pocket. Noah could snap Ben Stiller like a twig.

And yes, if you're sensing that I've developed a bit of a complex about this, you are correct. Now sit down and eat some ham.


I think this was the RENO 911! guys (who wrote the movie), but. You know. MY THUMBS ARE TOO FAT.


Hank Azaria. Looks like a giant in IMAX, is not really. Fact! Was really, really funny, both onscreen and off.


Amy Adams. A reporter friend of mine said she was rude. I nearly tripped right in front of her on my way to my seat; got a vague sense she was horrified at how close the Dirty Normals were premitted to get to her. She's tiny and Disney princess-like and WHATEVER.

I've never in my life been to a movie premiere before -- I didn't know they'd have THREE people introducing the movie (well, one person introducing another person who introduced the person would actually introduce the movie) ("Movie? This is Crowd. The Crowd would like you to begin so they might rip into their gigantic boxes of Hershey's candy without it echoing throughout the theater. Crowd, this is Movie. Movie enjoys long walks on the beach and also thinks you are fat."). And I didn't know that people would applaud like, EVERY name in the opening credits, which did get awkward because some people got a lot of applause and then like, other people only got applause because they brought their mom.

Also everybody went nuts at the first shot of the Air & Space Museum, like OMFG THAT'S WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW! HOLY SHIT! EVERYBODY WAVE AND MAYBE THEY'LL PUT US ON THE JUMBOTRON!

Then there was the afterparty. Drinks, canapes (INCLUDING SANDWICHES!) and possibly more celebrities to harrass, but I was pretty over it. It had been hours since I'd blabbed endless on about my children with anybody, so save for one terrifying moment when Linda and I were approached by a couple of clearly very confused teenagers with cameras, that's exactly what we did for the rest of the night.


It's actually really hard to know which camera to look at on the red blue carpet. This is why movies stars are better than us: superior camera-looking talent.

Tonight I'll be back at another IMAX theater, but one more closer to my natural dork habitat: we're seeing STAR TREK again. How many times do you think Amy Adams has seen Star Trek? None, I'll bet. None times.




Your hair looks fucking gorgeous.


And loved those shoes too!


In a previous life, I used to book people who had lost gazillions of pounds on daytime talk shows (klassy!) and I often got to travel to NY with them. We were going to a show filmed in a studio at 30 Rock (on the SNL stage, actually, that was fun, but another story for another day), and when our limo pulled up people were swarmed around it waiting to see what famous person was arriving. I don't think I disappointed my mom as much as I disappointed those people when I ungracefully tumbled out of the limo. But then I got to hang out in Tim Meadows' dressing room, so that was cool.

merry jennifer

Okay, you must share - what are and where did you get those fabulous shoes?

Sprite's Keeper

Two blue carpet divas! Looks like you still had a hot time even if Ms. Adams (somehow I think she would like you better if you addressed her as such) tried to bring the frost.

Parsing Nonsense

Ben Stiller does look tiny! I wonder how small his wife Christine Taylor is then? Maybe you could have Ezra put him in one of those Lil' People cars...


Are Amy Adams' boobies really that pointy, or is that just some trick of her shirt and your camera?


I've gotta tell ya - I snarfed my coffee reading this review. Funny!

I used to work in Nashville in the music industry so I've been to a couple of these type of things but let me just say ... you described it perfectly. PERFECTLY! My encounters were of the country music celebrity kind but they were always shorter then you expected and a little put out that they had to be in the same general area as the regular peeps of the world.

Funny stuff! Thanks for sharing.


merry jennifer: They're Paolo, from Nordstrom. They're old as dirt in fancy shoe years (a good two years old, maybe three), but I love them deeply.


You both look BEAUTIFUL!


OMG! I just checked out the Access Hollywood link and CRACKED UP when Linda jumped into the backround and distracted Owen Wilson. Looks like you two had a lot of fun!!

Would you ever go to a premiere like this again? I guess I'm curious if the glam of hollywood is all it's cracked up to be.


love, Love, LOVE the shoes! And now, thanks to all your fabulous shots of the port-a-potties, I mean, the MUSEUM and its fantastic blue carpeting, I'm homesick. Why, oh why did I ever leave DC?

Lauren K

OMG, thank you so much for the "Talk to Chuck" description of your pic. Just the comedy I needed today!!


Stacy - For the comedy value, sure, I'd go to one again. This thing was ridiculous. The people were ridiculous. Hell, we were RIDICULOUS and we knew it. It was...eye-opening to see A-listers in person and their security and handlers and botox and obvious paranoia and stuff. Glam is not a word that came to mind once, honestly.

Would I want to deal with this sort of thing on a regular basis, HELL NO. So not normal or healthy. But playing tourist once or twice is fun, and instantly cures any former drama-geek regrets about "not pursuing acting."

(My lack of acting talent should have cured me of that, but alas. You know.)

Michelle Madayag

Ha! Loved Linda getting caught taking a picture. Man, it is like he has radar and was all..."CAMERA BEHIND ME MUST TURN AROUND". You both looked totally faboo. Those teen boys are probably having impure thoughts over the two hottest MOMMYBLOGGERS ever.

But now I need a sandwich. Just don't know why that might be.



I almost went down to the Mall yesterday to yell at you and Linda. (No really, I almost did. I saw your tweets on my way out the door and Air and Space is sort-of on the way home.) I had this plan to be scream my fool head off and wave and possibly hyperventilate a little so that all the other nobodies on my side of the barricade would believe you guys were IMPORTANT CELEBRITIES and maybe you would wave back at me and the nobodies would be all OMG! Squee!

But then I chickened out and just drove home. Sorry.

But that would have been fun though, right?

Okay, maybe it's a good thing I went straight home.

Sarah @

Oh my goodness, I've only ever gone to one movie premiere and THEY DID THE SAME CLAPPING THING. What is it with the clapping? Are their egos not inflated enough?

It's just...I don't get applause when I wrangle the fax machine, that's all I'm saying.

De in D.C.

You guys look darling.

We had gone down to Air & Space a couple weekends ago, and my 8yo kept seeing posters for the movie and made me promise about 50 times that, YES! We will see the new movie on IMAX!! I'd made him sit down and watch the original Night at the Museum with me a couple months ago because I wanted to see it, and what grownup watches kids movies by themselves (besides you and Linda that is). He thanked me later ;)

BTW, was great meeting you at Good Stuff last week, since, you know, I'm a dork and hadn't said it before now...


I feel so oddly giddy reading your and Linda's accounts of this event. I think this makes me the biggest dork in the world. Btw, both of y'all's hair looks teh awesome.

I love how Owen Wilson totally busts Linda for trying to get a photo, and she gives him the cutest sheepish grin.

Also, I passed Ben Stiller on the street once and he was like waist-high. Why are celebs so freakishly short? I've never understood this.

Rick @ Tiny Prints

The comment about Ben Stiller was so funny I had to tweet it. Have a great weekend!


So what you're saying is that what celebrities lack in height and sandwiches is compensated for with clapping and camera-awareness powers?

I will never understand Hollywood, I s'pose.


Oh Amy Amy Amy Amy--you are a joy to read. Except I'm pissed that I've got a wet spot on my good jeans because you made me PEE MYSELF!!!


Really? Star Trek is that good?

Dear Smackdown, I have the opportunity to see Star Trek tonight either 1) at the drive-in, or 2) in IMAX. Which do you recommend?


Did I miss the part where you tell us if it's any good? I might have. I was reading quickly. Yay or nay?


You are too funny lady! Glad to hear they are as wacky in person as I've always assumed most of Hollywood to be.


Through my job, I've met several NFL players. I think I'm taller than about half of those that I've met. I wonder if they feel as weird about being shorter than a woman than I feel about being taller than an NFL player. Probably not, because they have so much money.


Am jealous. You look awesome! Am. So. Jealous. FRICK!


Tasterspoon--SEE IT IN IMAX. Seriously. BEST MOVIE EVER + IMAX = AWESOME. You will not regret it. (Can you tell that I love this movie?) ;) It was honestly incredible.

Amy, that looked so fun and I am jealous that you got to see Owen Wilson!!! I think Amy Adams is adorable but I could totally believe the celebzilla reports.


oh, man. i thought i loved amy adams. but, you are obviously the true amy, and i shall revert to your omnipotent amy-ness on this one.


You are just really, really funny. Thank you.

Kelly M.

Looks like you had a great time! I bet that was really weird and awesome and fun!!!

Mama Bird

Hilarious! Love your writing style. So glad I found your blog! I'm on your feed now!

So, I'm assuming because you didn't mention it, the movie stunk?

jennifer (prayedforone)

So funny! Looks like you and Linda had a blast!


you guys look gorgeous. the celebs that i have seen in person have been shockingly tiny too. what's with that?


You have such great hair...


I've always wondered if people in film go to their premieres and secretly die and feel huge amounts of inner douchebaggary watching themselves on screen.

I think I would.


I'm sure it's the only reason you wrote this enttry, but... I feel so much better about myself now! I'm almost 5'4", and now in addition to feeling superior to Tom Cruise (because he is short and crazy, whereas I am merely short), I can feel like Ben Stiller and I would totally hang out because he's funny (right? Don't crush my dreams) and short, and I am short, which is almost as good.

Love the story!

Mary@Holy Mackerel

I don't have the time of day for Those-Who-Believe-They-Are-Better-Than-We-Dirty-Normals.

Looks like a fab time though!! Wish I was there!


Totally awesome! The first time I figured out how short most movie stars really are is when I went to the Movieland Wax Museum on Pico Blvd. (it was next to the Embassy Suites the company put me in!), and all of the wax images are supposed to be, like, made to the EXACT dimensions of the real person. And I was all, like, "WOW! Look at how SHORT Sylvester Stallone is"! In fact, I think being short is an absolute prerequisite of being a famous star.


OMG. Star Trek! Best! Movie! Ever!

Well, probably not ever. But freaking awesome! I'm jealous of your imax. Living in Arkansas sucks.


just got back from star trek. OHMAHGAWDBESTMOVIEEVER!!! ever.

p.s. you look fantastic :-)


just got back from star trek. OHMAHGAWDBESTMOVIEEVER!!! ever.

p.s. you look fantastic :-)


The look on Lindas face when Owen busts her is priceless! You both looked so cute! Glad you had a good time :)


Amy Adams irritates me. She's just a little too cute for my tastes. It pleases me that she's a turd.


that's a bummer that amy adams sucked. because she's kinda from minnesota and we don't suck.
but you know what? she might be tiny and princesslike and whatever. but her makeup LOOKS HORRIBLE. am serious. i could do better.


Shoes are adorable! Also, I can't wait to see this movie... Were you able to pay attention or were you too mesmerized by the celebrities and candy?!?!


I died laughing at the sequin lady interviewing Robin Williams' jacket.
You guys are adorable.


Love the shoes! Where did you get them?


Must have those shoes! Where do I get them?

Bill McNutt

Wow! How long do I have to blog before I get invited to glamourous premieres?


Charles Schwab commercial.. freaking hilarious!


I had to come out of lurker mode to tell you absolutely made my miserable day yesterday!! I couldn't even read this out loud to DH because I was crying so much from laughter! It is a great post! plus the pictures add to the drama.. I orignally started reading your blog when someone told me about a sippy cup you mentioned.(my DD has feeding issues..and hasn't drunk from a bottle, cup, sippy.anything since last October I SWEAR... so I need all the help I can get) anyway..LOVED this post!! thanks for the laugh!!

Justice Fergie

forget amy adams: your shoes are fly!


I so need to stop reading your blog at work... you know, with my boss three feet from me.


You look so good! You could give the stars a run for their money. Enjoyed the fly-on-the-wall nature of this post. Love that you posted your thumb over the lens pic.

And I saw Star Trek THREE times, once in IMAX, 70 ft. screen. awesome.



You guys looked great. I'm totally jealous as I am a HUGE Ricky Gervais fan. Go to youtube and check out his stand up on Animals.

The comments to this entry are closed.