The Report

To Do: Drive to Doctor's Office, Walk in Door, Fail Spectacularly

Here, I drew you a picture of our trip a new pediatrician this morning:


(Click to embiggen and like, really DRINK IN the artistry of those brushstrokes)

After regarding the mailbox for awhile and determining that it was, in fact, a standard blue United States Postal Service mailbox and NOT a pediatric practice with a bitchin' infant drop-off system, I figured we should head towards the nearest actual office building. Which as you can clearly see, is Not The Doctor. Not Our Doctor, anyway. There were many doctors in it, and I'm sure they are lovely doctors, even if the design of their building leaves something to be desired, as...I don't know, I figured DOORS are usually somewhat adjacent to PARKING LOTS and basically ended up circling the entire building -- like some kind of suburban obstacle course designed by MC Escher -- before finding the door. Which was Not The Door To The Doctor Anyway.

The Doctor was at 101313 Major Big Ass Road. Not The Doctor was 101310 Major Big Ass Road, although the building number was -- YOU GUESSED IT -- not anywhere near the goddamn door, but sort of diagonally facing the road, and blocked by some trees.

And that's how I ended up wandering down a major big ass road with Ezra strapped to my chest and Noah's hand in mine while I barked threats of NEVER WATCHING TELEVISION EVER AGAIN AND THAT INCLUDES THE LITTLE MERMAID SO HELP ME GOD if he dared pull his hand away. It was either that or the swamp, or scaling a fence.

(Or getting back in the car and strapping everybody back in and like, driving to the correct building. But I think it's pretty clear that course-correction out in the field is generally not one of my strengths.)


We made it to The Doctor.

I did not like This Doctor as much as Our Old Doctor (who is now out-of-network; I may never really stop crying), but Noah thought the office had much cooler toys (meaning germy-looking busted-ass plastic baby toys instead of lovely hand-painted wooden bead mazes).

Ezra weighs 17.6 pounds and is in the 25th percentile for weight and height.

His enormous head is enormous. 95th percentile enormous.

I gave my GPS a good stern talking-to, it responded by moving my home address 100 yards north into a drainage ditch.



I swear GPS systems are the first wave of the robots from the Matrix, sent to destroy our human civilization from the inside. Ours has sent us - with malice aforethought, I believe - the wrong way down a one-way road in the past.


My GPS has often been referred to as "The Bitch" due to having chosen the Female British accent for the voice of the all powerful keeper of the directions. Once sent me through the same toll booth twice (consecutively) at a whole 35 cents per trip! Bitch owes me 35 cents!

Tracy H

I wouldn't have gotten back in the car either. Why walking long distances is easier than strapping the kids back in the car, I don't know, but I've totally been in that sitution and it made a lot of sense at the time! I want ot hear more about this "bitchin infant drop-off system."

Sprite's Keeper

Is Noah into The Little Mermaid too? We've been watching that damn DVD so often lately, I find myself watching for out of synch voices. It's sad. And Ariel's shell bra just mocks me.

Amy H


Hard to believe EZ is in the 25th percentile because he looks so rolly (in a good way) in the pictures. Did that come out wrong?

yeah, I'm good at that.


Ha! My bitchy GPS has tried to drive me into a lake before. Oh, and the middle of a gun range on base. YUP, my GPS is trying to kill me.


This is why I don't have a GPS. I would much rather curse my printed-out map from Yahoo!Maps or Google Maps, which often has a pointer pointing helpfully at a region that is kinda near my destination.

Either that or I ask my husband how to get there, and he tells me, and then I call him and accuse him of giving me bad directions because his brain is wired for maps and mine is wired for landmarks.

It strengthens our marriage! Really! Fun times.


See, these stories are why I am afraid of the whole GPS business. I look up my directions at home, write them all down then look them up on a different site just to make sure. And yes, I do write them down, as opposed to printing them. My son always asks why I am writing them down. And, that I should just get one of those things Daddy has (iPhone) so I can just look the directions up in the car. I think I'm afraid of those too after reading about how you lost yours. And didn't you drop yours in the toilet at some point?


Hysterical. Amy, I don't think anyone can take a frustrating situation and make it as funny as you do, I always look forward to reading your posts!


My daughter, Erin, born 10/9/08, is EXACTLY 17lbs 6oz, too, as of last week at HER checkup. However, all of her weight is in her lovable baby ham bum and not her loveable melon, as is Ezra's.

I am attached to our pediatrician, too. I drive 20 miles one way just to go there. I'm sorry your Old Doctor is out of network, now. Grrrrrr, Insurance!!

And GPS is wonderful technology....but just can't trust it 100 percent. Still have to have a good ol' map now and then. *Sigh*


My son is Noah's age. His head is only one inch smaller than mine in diameter. These weird mutant big headed babies are going to take over the world one day I know it.


I'm glad Ezra is growing well--and yay for giant baby heads!

I am terrified of GPS and rely on a combination of Google Maps and my husband to figure things out. Oh, and stopping at gas stations. I'm old school that way (though people at gas stations are not nearly as helpful as I remember them being, or as helpful as I was when I worked in one in college).

I smiled through your entire post, then snorted when I read "it responded by moving my home address 100 yards north into a drainage ditch." Good luck with the technology!


My husband drove us into a cornfield because GPS told him to turn right.
He wonders why I say he never listens.

I have my GPS and I have a love/hate relationship with it. I like to confuse it and make it recalculate. I swear they have a personality and you can hear the GPS get more and more agitated each time.


Ezra sounds perfect (my kids have ginormous heads too). Glad Noah liked the toys (even if they looked germy). And, I would have walked down the road too.


My husband must use the damned GPS wherever we go. I call her, yes she has a female voice, THE BITCH! Husband just informed me that he bought another bitch that will work for driving around Europe this summer. My advance apologies to the people of Germany and France for the sight of a chubby, middle-aged American woman stomping the shit out of the bitch beside one of your roads. Sorry. Really.


My grandbabies all have huge heads too. I used to call the oldest (4) punkinhead, but I was afraid I'd give her a complex. But it was BIG for her tiny little body.


I so totally want our pediatric office to get one of those bitchin' infant drop off systems now.

I also want to stop laughing out loud about it. But i can't stop!


I swear there is some sort of conspiracy among doctors to place their building numbers in obscure places so patients are late leaving them more time to goof off, drink coffee, ect.

Mary@Holy Mackerel

Too funny. I don't have a GPS for that reason. And also because my husband's too cheap to buy one for me.


My son had a huge head and ended up not walking until he was almost 17 months old. I blame the head. Maybe that's why Ezra hasn't been sitting up on his own yet! (Is he sitting up on his own yet?)


Yay, Ezman! Who's the baby with all them brains? That's you!

Garmin decided in order to get me to a restaurant that was 3.5 miles away from the resort I was at to make me drive 15 miles in pouring rain to the backside of Nowhere, Wisconsin, no where near said restaurant. I hate Garmin.


Every since we got the damn GPS, I've been trying to convince my husband it is a POS. However, for some reason I have become addicted to it and use it get places, but bitch bitch bitch up a storm on the way there when said GPS takes the most bizarro route! Oh lovely.

To be far, the GPS built into my phone is lovely and almost always accurate, however it has no way to find things without an address and costs like an extra 10 bucks a month or $3 per 24 hours, so I don't use it often.


This happened to me once, by way of google maps, cause I'm not cool enough to have GPS. (unless my phone has it and I just haven't gotten to that page in the unread instruction manual.)

My oldest DD and I were on our way to a hotel in Evansville for a dance competition. Google put us in an abandoned industrial park.

I was so distraught I tried to take out some propane tanks at the gas station where I turned around (okay, I'm just a bad driver, but it seemed like a good excuse to give the kid)


I truly appreciate people who use "embiggen" in a sentence.

Friends of ours have a GPS and it directed them to drive off a cliff. Fortunately, they are smarter than Garmin.


infant drop-off system? i vote for drive-thru pediatrician next!



I think that I live somewhere close to you (although I am not sure how close). I have a pediatric group that I like...send me an email if you want to know who they are.


My kid was also tiny with a head over the 95th percentile. We went through the trauma of a CT scan (was going to require general anesthesia, but he ended up falling asleep and needing no drugs) and everything looked good. He's 4 y.o. now and still has a big head. He wears my husband's hats.


GPSs are EVIL! They will take you anywhere you DON'T want to go. My baby's head was in the 95th percentile while he was still in the womb and his body still has not caught up. Pretty soon you will be choosing which shirts to buy by how stretchy the neck is, and considering only buying him button-up shirts to save him the trauma.


Drainage ditch! *howls with laughter*


This is totally something I would do. My 7 year old practically threw a party the first time I drove him somewhere and (in his words) "didn't even get lost and have to call Daddy for help!".

MeL - Stay At Aum Mom

I have done exactly this. On more than one occasion. Once? I had already been to the damn doctor's office, but it was 2 days after giving birth that I went there the first time and so I take no blame for being unable to find it a week later. It was awkward to accidentally walk into that urology clinic, though, and wonder "who are all these dads at the pediatrician, and why do they look so terrified?"
Or there's the time I accidentally locked the kids in the car with my keys after our appointment. In the middle of summer. In a cellular dead zone. And had to be rescued by a handsome Italian gentleman who jimmied the lock with his car antenna. And then I drove off with my cell phone on top of the car and broke it, the end.
Thanks for making me snarf my coffee right up in mah nose this morning. I am so glad it's not just me. :)


Am I the only person who saw "Not The Doctor" and immediately thought of "Not the Mama" from the Dinosaurs?

Yeah, I'm such a (lovable) dork.


I'd like to join the parents of a kid with a crazy big mutant head club (kid with CBMH.) My son's in the 95%-99% depending on the visit. My co-workers have referred to him as a bobble-head doll. I figure it's all brains. Look out, world, here come the baby geniuses (so could you make hats and neck openings a lot bigger? Thanks.)


I am glad I don't have GPS, then. From your post & the comments, it sounds every bit as reliable as spellcheck--great when it works, but when it doesn't, BOY, are you ever screwed. Your diagram, by the way, ROCKS.

Also. . . fuck the insurance companies. I'll save you the rest of THAT rant, because I'm sure you could give it yourself.


haha! I am glad you got there eventually!


That is an awesome drawing. At least you have a silver lining in that it all makes the rest of us laugh when we really need it. Erm... I'm sure that helps.

Randomly, just had my 8 month old weighed today and she dropped to the 30th percentile, which is not really the 30th percentile if you use the WHO breastfeeding chart. Not that it really matters because obviously Ezra is scrumptious.

die Frau

I do love our GPS but we tend to get human directions, too. It took us on the craziest possible route to my inlaws' in Canada...and it doesn't realize that Montreal traffic on the main highway is hell at any hour of day, regardless of the fact that it's the "quickest" route. Thus we used my FIL's directions to get back home and Mabel (we named her) kept calmly saying, "Make u-turn" over and over again to try to get us to go HER way, including while we were on a bridge.

Both my husband and I have big noggins. I fear for myself giving birth to our eventual child and his ability to lift his basketball of a head up off the floor.


Am I the only one a little confused by the percentils? At my dd's 6 month visit a week ago (she was born nov. 1st) she was 16lbs 2 oz and 26" and was in the 50th percentile on both. Not that much different then the mighty Ez. Do different doctors use different charts?


Wow. Head in the 95th percentile???

Little Miss Kickboxer was in the 75th percentile for height and weight at her last checkup, and in the 40th or so percentile for head circumference. I obviously gave birth to a pinhead ...


Did YOU ever think those bead mazes were interesting when you were a kid? I didn't.


Okay, while I'm feeling sympathy for your ordeal, I'm also laughing my fool head off. I laughed a lot while reading this post (because that would sooo happen to me), but this is what really got me:

"... germy-looking busted-ass plastic baby toys..."


Your artistry is stunning. You should truly have it framed...or scrapbooked. I hear you scrapbook.


This is THE map to the doctors office that I tried to visit last summer while pregnant and toting two toddlers with me. The office I walked into was for prostate health - or some other male functionality that I clearly didn't have any use for. I found the pediatrician office, arrived 12 minutes late and they wouldn't take us. I think I would have preferred trying the mail box instead.

Musings from Me

I still get lost with my GPS. When "she" says "recalculating" I think she is trying to encourage me. I try not to think of how hopeless I am to get lost with a GPS stuck on my dash.


I laughed so hard I may have started labor.

Our GPS encouraged my husband to drive in endless circles because the city had moved the off ramp a few miles ahead so it kept thinking we were missing our turn and would recalculate to the next off ramp, make us do a U-turn and repeat. That made me laugh hystarically, too.


The diagram killed me.



When my daughter was born she was at 45th percentile for weight, 75th for height, and her head was off the charts big. My husband said: "She's built like a nail!"

so, Ezra, ... he's built like a . . . tack?

(Of course, now, she's at 50th for height, and 15th for weight, and her head's fine far as I can tell.)

Ezra rocks. GPS devices are overrated.

Mama Coyote

"I gave my GPS a good stern talking-to, it responded by moving my home address 100 yards north into a drainage ditch." That part made me laugh out loud... although maybe just because it's nearly 2am and I should be asleep.


I cannot even begin to mention how many times this has happened with my GPS including some sketchy experience trying to find a grocery store in Utica in the middle of a seedy warehouse district. (shudders) I also thought the diagram was very helpful, btw.

Kerri Anne

You have mad Paint skillz.


If it makes you feel any better, I made the same mistake, at the same complex, as you did - and did the same thing: walked through the grass. Granted, I was by myself. My biggest worry was getting ticketed/towed for parking in the wrong lot.

Not a big fan of that pediatrician? I'm thinking of using them . . . curious to hear more.


My god, woman. You are funny.

Alicia D

I swear you make me feel more normal.


I know youve probably hired a hit man to take care of your GPS, but I will buy it from you on craigs list if interested. that thing would keep me cracking up for days. plus, i would feel like i'd have something to blame my OWN directional impairments on - i end up in ditches and mailboxes on my own accord.

still LMAO...

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