Off To a Good Start
I Asked a Bottle of Red Wine to be My Life Coach, and Look Where It Got Me


I remember Alexa once asked her readers when, exactly, babies grasp the concept of gravity. Or at least begin demonstrating a goddamn lick of SENSE. I admit I didn't read the response in the comments. Frankly, I was afraid the answer would be 42.

Ezra is...oh God, he's killing me lately, with his countless, endless, senseless attempts to kill himself. He's still trapped in this hideous stage of pre-mobility, where he doesn't crawl or roll so much as LAUNCHES his body in various directions. If that direction happens to have a soft surface or a paying-attention-type person handy, or at least be free of sharp edges or bottomless furniture-to-floor chasms, well, bonus. But he's not going to be picky about it, or anything.

He doesn't pull up on things nearly as well as he pulls them OVER, and yesterday he spent 20 minutes trying to pull up on our coffee table but kept scooting his body UNDER the coffee table, and then thwacking his head on the underside when he tried to stand up from this wedged-in position, and while I never, ever want to disparage my brilliant, adorable children, our cat used to do the same goddamn thing with the kitchen cabinets. We'd to sit in the living room, listening to the THUMP THUMP THUMP because he couldn't figure out how to keep the door from closing once he got it open a few inches with his paw, so he just tried walking into the closing door FASTER. And you know what? That cat never managed to hold onto a job either. We're still supporting his ass.

I don't remember going through this stage with Noah. If we did, it certainly didn't drag on this long -- according to the almighty archives Noah was crawling and standing and generally upright most of the time by this age -- a month or too earlier, actually.  I remember the bumps and bruises and the terrible sense of doom when he crawled over to the stairs one day and...oh shit, just kept on going up with remarkable skill. When he decided that he wanted to move, he MOVED. Bam. Done. I remember hating mobility, cursing mobility, but I don't remember months of this in-between sturm and drang and loopty-loops off the edges of furniture.

But I don't remember holding Noah on the couch and suddenly SHHOOOWWWWOOOOOOOP! The baby kicks off my lap and lunges headfirst toward Jason, who is sitting all the way across the goddamn room, and for two and a half terrible seconds his body is completely airborne and not in my control at all and his face is heading right toward the edge of that stupid coffee table (mark my words, future generations will look at coffee tables the way we look at BPA-laden bottles and stomach sleeping and opium-laced teething tablets)...and then if I'm lucky I manage to hook my elbow around his neck, or something similarly graceful.

I remember, once Noah outgrew his swing and bouncy seat, taking him into the shower with me. Just...plopping him on the floor of the tub with a toy or two, letting him play and splash in a half-inch puddle while I blocked the rest of the water with my body and went about my business. I do this with Ezra now, only he is firmly restrained inside of a suctioned-cup bath seat with a jury-rigged seat belt, and I shower faster than I ever have in my LIFE because I am absolutely terrified of what he'll manage to accomplish if I turn my back on him for two seconds to rinse shampoo out of my eyes. I cannot rinse! I simply live with the burning!

Ez shrieks and kicks and tries desperately to get his hands in the water -- not really attempting to climb out of the seat so much as leaning over so far and rocking around so violently that I'm afraid the finish on the tub will give out before the suction cups -- and the thought of just SETTING him down in the tub is so ridiculously laughable, and I sincerely hope I didn't advise anyone on the Internet to try my Great Showering Solution because HOLY CRAP, Ezra would be face down in the drain while I moaned from the bathroom floor after he mistook my ankles for bowling pins.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not lamenting Ezra's lack of real mobility. I know it's not going to get "better" or "easier" just because he can get his arms and legs working in unison. In fact, I imagine it will be quite the opposite. I imagine I will re-read this entry and laugh -- nay, laff! -- at how I was once so concerned over a small potential faceplant into the coffee table, because NOW I can't pull a shirt over my head without him hurtling down the hall at top speed and barreling down the stairs (because he saw something shiny, or a shoe) (he loves shoes. dirty ones. he will scoot quite admirably to get to shoes. and then he will lick them.) (this just in! babies are gross, kind of stupid). I'm sensing that Ezra may not have some of Noah's more sensible, methodical, non-spazzoid traits and tendencies. I'm sensing that he may be quite the opposite. That he will be my boy-boy, my daredevil, the one who hurtles through life at his own pace with boundless, reckless enthusiasm.

And always, ALWAYS headfirst.




"Next on the Wide World of Sports -- cribside nosedive, starring the Mighty Ez."

Greg S.

"And lady, I'm not gonna wear a helmet, either!"

He really looks like he's about to hike a leg there, and go right over that railing. Did you catch him with the patented elbow-to-neck hook right after snapping that photo?

Thanks - restraining my lol almost made me cry with laughter...


But he is very cute.

Ms. theMark

I tried the shower thing once. It primarily featured fish-out-of-water flopping about and burning hatred of both me and the water that dared to touch him. And then he worked himself into such a lather that he threw up all over me.

And then I needed another shower. Sigh.

bethany actually

When I was a toddler, my dad was on the floor horsing around with me and I somehow whacked my head on the coffee table. Apparently there was much screaming and crying and blood. I still have a faint scar that goes down the left side of my face.

While my mom washed me off and comforted me, my dad picked up the coffee table, walked outside, and hurled it into the creek that ran behind my parents' property. We never had a coffee table again till my brother and I were both teenagers.


I think there should be a video showing him trying to free himself from the tub seat suction cups of doom.


Ezra the shoe-licker? Hmmmm ... you know I read your blog to see what doom might loom over my house since Little Miss Kickboxer is a couple of months younger than Ez. And each one of your entries manages to scare me just a little more.

Off to buy three drums of bubble wrap now ...


Ez is so much beefier than Noah was - his center of balance is different. My cousins baby was a real butterball as a baby, it took her forever to get the hang of the walking thing, but now she is 11 or 12 - very willowy and very very good at walking and dancing and the rest!

hmmm, we never had a coffee table either as kids. that spot on the floor between the couch and TV is where my brother usually planted himself on his belly.


That look on his face is priceless: "You talkin smack about me, woman? You want nosedive? I will brang the nosedive right to your door!"

Mrs Soup

Oh goodness. I seriously busted out laughing hysterically when reading the comparison to your cat.

Hope he doesn't hurt himself too badly....


Good think Ez looks like a nice solid boy who can takes many bumps and bruises without doing too much permanent damage. My goddaughter wasn't too mobile - she did not walk until 16 months. However, in 1 month, she went from barely walking to running away. She did not stop for three years - a stint in baby jail (social services) finally got her to realize running down the middle of the street wasn't as fun as she thought. She's a healthy 8 year old.

jessica Karlinski

absolutely hilarious!!


Now, THAT is a determined baby! My goodness, I think he's doing Jedi mind-tricks in that picture.


The shoes...I thought my son was the only one who liked to chew on shoes (I really should know better by now). Any shoe...clog, flip flop, dirty grass mowing tennis shoes, doesn't matter, it's in his mouth. So gross.
I love that picture...he's all "I will throw myself over this railing, Woman!!" Looks like its time for the lowest mattress setting!

The Tutugirl

Wow, in that picture he looks like he's about to crawl out of the crib! You definitely have an adventurous one on your hands there.


I love that picture. He's all, "You got somethin' to say about it?" He looks so DETERMINED.

Which, yaknow... good luck with that.


I'm totally experiencing the same thing with my second daughter, and I've been blaming it on the fact that she is seeing the 2-year-old do all these things, so she wants to do them. Now, please. Before now would be better. But let's try to do them ALL NOW and get SO MAD when we can't do them but then let's TRY AGAIN. It's so maddening, the frustration of this child. Hugs!


Oh my gosh, this makes me so glad that I just took our coffee table to my classroom full of fourth graders. Our 6 month old has just started his lunging phase, and I can't imagine him trying to crawl and walk (he's reckless, like Ezra) with a coffee table downstairs. Thank goodness it didn't fit in our living room!


Ezra cracks me up! My oldest was (and is) very delicate, even fastidious. He never once: splashed in the toilet, tried to eat dog food, dug in the plants, went headfirst down the stairs, or tried to eat filthy shoes. Imagine my confusion when my Ezra turned out to be a little boy who did all those things. They're now 3 and 5, and the pattern continues. Now they have a little sister who resembles Ezra more than my oldest; she's squat, strong, and determined. It's a very interesting place around here.


Creepily alike, our babies. Mine loves shoes too--licking them, my god, she can't get enough. She's especially keen to lick the BOTTOMS (why??).
And yes, a month or so ago Simone would have thought nothing of attempting to get from the couch to a chair across the room by simply...flinging herself in that general direction.

But! I have an update! I can now TELL you when babies grasp the concept of gravity, or when she did: a few weeks ago, about 12/13 months adjusted, 16 months actual.

Unfortunately, knowing about gravity has NOT kept her from accumulating injuries. In fact, just this morning she fell on her her face and got a bloody nose while CRAWLING, an activity she mastered months ago, on account of she was holding a roll of toilet paper in one hand at the time. Babies: just plain stupid.


You know if you're having a hard time telling if a toddler is a boy or a girl, look for the nearly-permanent bruise in the center of the forehead as a surefire indicator of boydom. Some boys are graceful enough to avoid this, but the rest? Lead with their heads, like Commander Riker lurching down the passageways on the Enterprise.


If it makes you feel any better...My kid eats toilet paper. Like a fresh roll is heaven. We've shut the doors to the bathrooms but it's an older house and the door handles are kinda wobbly...So she just lunges into the door until she gets in there. She may not know quote how to talk yet but she knows how to get into what she wants.


Thank you, Jesus, for telling me what to do and how to shower with a kid who's outgrown the Containment Devices. Because I have been FRETTING about it for DAYS since a friend told me her daughter, who is one week older than Sam, no longer sits in her bouncy. Oh my fuck, how would I SHOWER? (I got the bouncy in bathroom idea from you, PS, and thank you for it. I was too paranoid a new mom to come up with anything LOGICAL in those early days).

So, uhhh, when did this bouncy seat outgrowment happen? GAH GAH GAH


You're like a devil-blogger whose word-magic can turn the nicest reader into an evil a-hole, laughing hysterically at the picture you paint of your baby launching himself off a couch and towards certain sharp, cornery doom. Its my theory that you have some sort of deal worked out where if you can get enough people going to hell, you get a get out of free card. ;)

That's okay by me, though, totally worth the lulz. But of course, I pray for the saftey of your son's spazzbabyskull. Fo realz. Sounds like he'll need it!


(HA! I TOTALLY WAS sold on the Showering Solution, PS, even though you EXPRESSLY told me not to be. HA HA HA.)

(I'm secretly hoping that because I have a girl, it will be different. Nevermind that Simone is also a girl, NEVERMIND.)


Your comment about not being able to rinse your hair confused me for a moment... I wondered why you didn't just tilt your head back to rinse, and then realized that maybe you're one of those faucet-facing people (which I am totally not - can't stand water in my face). And then I set my Facebook status to ask my friends which kind of person they are, because it's never occured to me to ask before. The end. PS - Your kids are cute.

Mrs. Q.

Your shower account is hilarious.

Ditch the coffee tables until he's three. They aren't worth the anxiety.


No one told you that second children are fearless? That's why mothers of two will usually *joke* that if they had their second first, there wouldn't be a second.

My oldest daughter is cautious and responsible. My youngest daughter is . . . hell on wheels. And two years old. Yikes is right.

Good luck with Ezra... it doesn't get easier! But at least the oldest is usually there to help/ alert you if the youngest gets into serious danger.


With a 14 month old boy hurdler myself, I have the best two words of advice I've ever uttered on the subject of coffee tables:
Leater ottoman.


Sing it sister.

My 8 month old JUST figured out the whole hands and feet moving together thign to crawl instead of launching and we are SCREWED


My second one is like this - the kid walked at 8 months, literally ran at 10... has NO FEAR - loves nothing more than to climb up on the dining room table and jump around with both feet - a skill my anxiety-ridden elder son didn't master for months and months.... Needless to say, he's been to the ER twice already, and I feel the need to reassure total strangers that NO, we don't beat him, he managed to give himself all those bruises... On the plus side, he is smiley, happy, and easy going in a way my other never was - so maybe the two go together? No weird tics means no fear factor? :) My older one just tells the world his little brother is, "a little TOO brave..."


Love your shower description. I am never going to shower again once my 15 month old stops taking a morning nap. Ugh. Or at least never again until he can be babysat by the lovely TV babysitter.


I had to stifle my laughs as I was reading this because my husband was trying to get one of our 10 month old twins to sleep. EVERYTHING you wrote describes one if not BOTH of my boys! My boys are very mobile and the launching of bodies still happens. I have almost dropped both of them numerous times. My brother says to let them fall and they will learn not to do that. I don't think so because no matter how many times they hit their head cause and effect just hasn't sunk in yet!

Megan Rose

The venerable Johnny Depp once said (and I paraphrase because I am a mum with a mushy brain) that with kids you're always on suicide and homocide watch - if they're not doing something that will kill themselves, they are doing something that will kill someone else. Too true Johnny, too true.

Sprite's Keeper

So I guess Ezra-proof would be the next level of safety? His face on the logo would sell out quick.


Holy cow, I keep scrolling up and down between that photo of Ez and the photo of you up in the top left, and it's like YOU JR.

I don't remember what I did with my boys when they outgrew sitting in the bouncy seat in the bathroom while I showered. We had a really small tub/shower back then, but I'm pretty sure I never put them in the shower seat ring thing with the suction cups. That's pretty clever!


A) my son just yesterday launched himslef off of the ottoman and onto me - with the sheerest shred of luck that I turned just in time to "catch" him or else he would have just impaled my spine. B) he is almost TWO and hasn't stopped banging his face into things. C) once the learn gravity, the want to play the gracity game - you knwo, where they drop things over and over just to see you pick them up? Fun.I'd prefer that none of my kids ever grasp the laws of nature than play that game.


Ah, coffee tables. We haven't had a coffee table for four years, ever since I got up with my 9-month-old in the middle of the night when he felt like partying. I reclined negligently on the couch while he cruised around the coffee table until his footed pj's twisted and bam! Tongue bitten straight through. He howled while I tried to figure out how the hell to apply pressure to a tongue? It stopped bleeding before I ever figured it out and we both went back to bed, finally tired out. In the morning my husband got up first and before I could say "oh by the way, don't mind the bloodstains," he started screaming like a little girl. In the daylight, it looked like we'd been hacked to death by an axe. The kid babbled crookedly for a few days and then was fine, but we still can't look at a coffee table without a little frisson of fear.

(What's the problem with opium-laced teething tablets, though?)



(You know I don't give assvice--mostly because I'm scared of you and what you might say about me in your blog (or to Jason or to the dog, etc.)--but I would suggest the removal of coffee tables for a few years. They really can cause a lot of harm to babies and aren't really worth the ER visits and stitches. Still, it's your decision and I will neither judge you for keeping them nor say "told ya so" if the worst happens.)


My almost-eight-month-old daughter propelled herself out of her Bumbo today. And landed on her face. Excellent.

At least the Bumbo was on the floor, and not on the kitchen island, where she often eats. I've had to stop thinking about what could have happened.


Dude, I wanna know if you brought that Almost Friend of yours Christmas cookies? When are we gunna hear about THAT? ;)


my first child is your ezra. i refer to him lovingly as grace and am considering posting a weekly blog on his latest concussions... the daddy and i also refer to our children (top secretly of course) as the brains - child 2, and the brawn - child 1. my son still gets into fights with asphalt on a daily basis and he'll be 2 next week. my best ad(ass)vice? invest in band-aids and neosporin. lots and LOTS of neosporin.


Suction cup the baby thingie to the bathroom floor? Will that work?


The reason I have no coffee table is, I was afraid my little dogs might hurt themselves on it. A little overprotective. I will be a big bundle of worry when I have an actual kid person, I know.


Love your blog. You know what, my son was like Ezra and he will survive and you'll get over it. I've forgotten almost all of it and so has he. As for being special needs, my son isn't as bad off but it does get better. It took me two years to get anyone, including my husband to realize something was wrong, it was moderate ADHD, but with every symptom. If you add in finding out he is gifted, really gifted, really really gifted, well he had 7 staffings in 1st grade and no 504 or IEP. We actually left our house and got an apartment in another school district so he could go into the special program he needs and now he's thriving, mostly. I was really touched by your vet post because that's probably the hardest part for me, Alex is tall and smart and looks older than his age and acts way younger and the parents stare at me like what's wrong.


My younger son turned 5 today. He's so much like Ezra that I had to laugh. The child never has learned to walk; all he does is run, run, run. And his ginormous. He has numerous scars all around his hairline from bashing into things as a baby/toddler because his head gave him balance issues. And there's a big one in his hair that required a trip to the minor injury clinic for some good old super glue.

Between my two boys we have had: a broken arm, stitches to the jawline, staples to the back of the head, and the super glue episode. The older boy (who was cruising at 5.5 months and walking by 9 months) actually has required more trips to minor injury than the younger one...and he's the cautious one!


Sounds just like my 2nd son. Who removed the training wheels from his bike and taught himself to ride a 2 wheeler at the age of 3, has broken his right arm once and left arm twice, gotten stitches in his head, lost a finger nail, and has more scars than I can count. And I do watch him, really I do.

raeleigh jo/bsg

i looooove the look on his face. he's all "and where's my damn beer, woman?!"


Ugh... the shoe thing. Alex does the same thing. If there's a pair of shoes in his sight he makes a beeline to them. Doesn't matter if they're on a pair of feet or not, he immediately tries to stuff them in his mouth.


I've been putting my baby in one of those jumpy things that hooks onto the door frame. The top part that hooks to the frame looks like a stethoscope and it's got a seat (duh) and the kid just bounces happily while you shower in peace and can even rinse. I'm always peeking my head out of the shower just to reassure baby I'm still there and she's used to it by now. They sell them at Target. Mine has a tray on it but I got it secondhand from a friend. Still very worthwhile to have. I use it when I'm cleaning too.

looks like this:


I've been putting my baby in one of those jumpy things that hooks onto the door frame. The top part that hooks to the frame looks like a stethoscope and it's got a seat (duh) and the kid just bounces happily while you shower in peace and can even rinse. I'm always peeking my head out of the shower just to reassure baby I'm still there and she's used to it by now. They sell them at Target. Mine has a tray on it but I got it secondhand from a friend. Still very worthwhile to have. I use it when I'm cleaning too.

looks like this:


I've been putting my baby in one of those jumpy things that hooks onto the door frame. The top part that hooks to the frame looks like a stethoscope and it's got a seat (duh) and the kid just bounces happily while you shower in peace and can even rinse. I'm always peeking my head out of the shower just to reassure baby I'm still there and she's used to it by now. They sell them at Target. Mine has a tray on it but I got it secondhand from a friend. Still very worthwhile to have. I use it when I'm cleaning too.

looks like this:

hope this helps!


ROUND coffee table. I have given up on corners.


As the mother of one of those "boy-boys," the only thing I can say is hold on. The ride is scary, funny, and endless. It does make for good blog content, though...


When my son was a baby, just starting to move around, I put him on the couch and taught him to go down feet first. I'd sit there next to him as he'd start to worm around and tap his feet and say "feet." (Yes, I spotted him.) It took a few weeks, but then it made life a whole lot easier. I remember being in an airport when he was still crawling, so maybe 11 or 12 months, and he started heading toward a set of stairs, and the other parents in the room all got very jumpy as I strolled casually after him -- but by that time, I knew he wouldn't try to go down headfirst.


The Boy, 18 mos, has started trying to do somersaults. On our tile floors. It never ends.


#1 was our relatively careful one. We didn't even have the stair gate up (carpeted stairs, half-flight) after a while because we realized he wouldn't go *near* the stairs (and when he did, on rare occasion, he'd roll sideways and be fine).

#2 has turned our world upside-down. He did everything the opposite and he does it with GUSTO. He taught our oldest how to scream (for joy), how to jump from furniture to furniture, and how fun it is to have someone to shove off the couch onto a pile of toys (FUN!). He's also taught a bunch of other things (y'know, sharing and little kid hugs and going for walks holding hands and talking about their children's future - yeah, I know, weird).

Brothers. Yeesh!


Uh huh - we haven't had a coffee table in the living room since my 20 month old took a header off the couch smack onto the wrought iron beast. I now place my wineglass on his activity cart.

Oh - somebody may have posted this already - do you watch So You Think You Can Dance? I think you and Kaitlyn (sp?) look a lot alike.


I think it is a second child thing. Because even though my youngest is a girl, she flings herself off EVERYTHING with reckless abandon. And she is fully mobile at this point, so she's just doing it for thrills.

Lady in a Smalltown

As a new mom, I learned some valuable lesson from this post:

1. treasure the immobility of 6 week old babies
2. never underestimate the power of a determined boy
3. don't read Amalah while you are using a breast pump


I find it interesting that you refer to Ezra's daring do as making him a "boy-boy". I have twin boys who will be 4 in November and a baby girl who just turned 11 months. My boy D crawled late and walked late and now crashes into everything, N walked early...until he fell, and then didn't attempt it again for months. My baby girl on the other hand is You totally described my average day with her. Although N is cautious to the max, hates getting dirty, and spends hours quietly playing (until his twin comes crashing in like a rhino) I would never refer to him as my "girly-girl".

I laughed like crazy over your shower exploits. I take my showers at night unless the planets align and all three nap at the same time, or my husband is home. This way I get to take as long as I like. It makes for interesting hair dos, though :(


I think my kid and Ezra may be twins. Even though mine is two weeks older. She made crawly motions and did a lot of scooting for quite a while before she crawled. About two weeks ago, she suddenly started crawling like a pro. She laughs in the face of gravity, and then cries at me accusingly when gravity laughs back.

I've decided to let her hurt herself in small ways. It's the only way I can think of for her to learn a little respect for gravity before she REALLY gets hurt. And it WILL happen, no matter how vigilant I am; she is quick like a bunny. I sure hope I'm not turning her into a serial killer.


We don't have a coffee table. Never have. Not because of the damage it might to do small heads bonking into it, but because my husband would trip over it or stub his toe on it or do some other type of bodily harm on it. So yeah, it might be a while before things get better.

Lil'bug was fascinated by shoes... and they'd always go right in her mouth as soon as she got them in her little paws. ick!

Katie Kat

Laughin' right out loud! Frickin hilarious post today Amy. You had me at the cat joke...

Wacky Mommy

He's all, Mama, get out the way.

That age drove me nuts. Esp. cuz everyone felt inclined to say, "This is the best age, isn't it? I just loved it!" etc. I was all, Yeah! Arf.

My daughter was fairly predictable in the forward motion, but my son was perpetual head injury -- they knew him by name at local children's ER.

Good luck. He'll be on to some new craziness next.


Greg was 15 month before he walked. He never really crawled, we used to say it was because it didn't like things touching his knees. He scooted like crazy though. And for about a week before he walked, he furniture cruised. And then one day, Friday the 13th mind you, he just got up and walked.


My son (11 mths) has started walking, but still does the launching. I found myself nodding my head and mumbling "I know, I know" your entire post.

My kid doesn't sit still too often. I can barely get him diapered or dressed most days. I bribe him with unsafe items. Last night it was a bottle of Elmer's glue.

And we finally got rid of our damn coffee table. Best decision ever. However, my boy is now breaking into our liquor cabinet.


My son is two weeks younger than yours. He can crawl, and yet he still tries to launch himself out of my arms, out of my lap, off of the changing table, etc. He has a death wish, I swear.

Also, how do you change a diaper once he starts crawling? He is always rolling and crawling and holding on for dear life to the rails of his changing table, and it is all I can do to get a clean diaper on him!

At least my kid is not attempting to pull up yet. OMG, I am not ready for standing.

Plano Mom

Uh-Oh. He's gonna be your ER baby. As my brother (our ER baby) says, "You gotta learn how to do it WRONG before you can do it RIGHT."


This is totally second kid syndrome. You know, everyone says the 2nd kid is sooo different from the first. It turns out they weren't lying. Our first wasn't adventurous, didn't climb anything. The second, is overly adventurous and climbs EVERYTHING. I've taken her off the kitchen table more times than I can count. Improved mobility will only make it worse for you. You think he's fast now...just wait...hmm. Sorry, that wasn't very helpful, I guess I'm just glad I'm not alone.

shriek house

Ahaha -- "I cannot rinse!" -- could be my theme song.


We removed our coffee table for a few months because we had a champion roller/lunger/late craweler-walker and grew very tired, very fast of people's lingering gazes at her bruises.

Because of our living room set up, we were able to actually prop our coffee table up on a few milk crates behind the sofa and back it up to the wall- making a temporary behind the couch occasional table. It opened up the room for play while allowing us a place to put our drinks.

This stage is scary- all the speed, none of the fear. Good luck!


A week ago I had to take my 8 month old to the ER for his first CAT scan. My EIGHT MONTH OLD. I was standing in front of the changing table and reached for something a foot in the opposite direction of him. He chose that moment launch himself off the changing table headfirst with one giant thrust. He is fine... but I had about 20 small heartattacks that day. This kid is going to kill me from worry before he turns 5. I feel your pain!


Hank, my 4 month old, never settles down for even a second. He laughs and cries and rolls in his sleep. He jerks and arches his back while nursing. He, like Ez, has a 95th percentile head, and will use the weight of it to try to swing himself out of my arms about 50 times a day. He'll stand in your lap and then relax his legs for a minute, so you'll relax and maybe even take one of your hands off of him, and then SPROINGGGG!!!! he is launching himself toward our handmade, beautiful, DEADLY coffee table. His new goals: leaning forward in his bouncy chair so as to tip it over, trying to JUMP out of his exersaucer. Neither has yet been achieved, but we're on watch.


Also, I bought the most kickass coffee table a month ago when my son started getting more mobile. Leather... soft... and with storage bins on the inside for all those toys that are all over your family room. Check it out... I freaking love this thing.

Th top portions flip over to hard surfaces too... so it is the best of both worlds.


I was talking to a friend of mine about how it takes most of the evening to give each of my (2) kids a bath. She gave me a funny look and said, " Oh, I don't do that. I just throw all of them in together." She has 3 year old twins and a 1 year old.
I decided that if she can do it, so can I. I tried it once. One kid kept trying to slide under the water. The other one tried to relocate the first kid so SHE could slide under the water. I was soaked. I was terrified to add soap since that would just make them more slippery.

I optimistically tried a second time. One tried to eat the faucet, the other one tried to wash the first one. Yep, they're much more slippery when soap is added. Oh, yeah. Still soaked.


OMG, this was like reading an entry about my soon-to-be-11 month old. Only he IS fully mobilized. Bathtime is like trying to wash an eel: he's slippery and everywhere at once and you can't get a firm grip without fear of renching his arm around and out of the socket. I'm in tears with laughter. Thank you!


I'm 9 years older than my youngest brother. He was in the ER so often during his first 8 years of life that the hospital actually CALLED CHILD SERVICES. In 8 years he: broke his right arm jumping off a playhouse, broke his left arm falling off the baby monkey bars at daycare, broke a rib jumping out of a tree at home, broke his right arm again climbing out of his crib, bit through his tongue on the trampoline, and chipped his tooth in the bathtub.

He did All of those things as SOON as my mom turned her back to do ANYTHING! Some little boys are just fearless.

My two are 2.5 years old and 8 months old. They are both fearless... and it looks like you've got yourself a member of the fearless club there!

Good luck with that. I'm with the commenter who suggested lots and lots of neosporin and band aids. Oh and vodka... cause everything's alright with enough vodka!


So I read the blog yesterday and there were no comments and I was going to comment to the effect that I was the first commenter but that seemed dumb and I'm glad I waited so I can say [deep breath]

Buy the Summer Infant Super baby seat - it's terrific for corralling the little devils during mommy's shower time., there's no more floor space in our bathroom and you have to sit sideways on the toilet, but it keeps Ryan's attention with what with the toys and all. I can even dry my hair with him sitting in it! He outgrew his bumbo in about ten minutes (thunderthighs) and this do-jobby is again, terrific.

What? Do I think I've had too much coffee this morning?


Oh, the smackdown of the second child. I was so convinced that it was due to my stellar parenting that my firstborn never climbed on anything, never even DREAMED of jumping up and down on the couch until his little two year old buddy showed him....and then I had the second. The one who walked at 11 months, who at 8 months was able to climb onto the couch but only fall off it, not gracefully get down, meaning I could never, ever leave him alone in the babyproofed living room.

Parsing Nonsense

I don't have anything of importance to say, just wanted to let you know this post made me smile. As you were.


I have one chilled one and one crazy kid in the same order. I call them Woody Allen and the Viking. This morning at 5:30 the Viking face planted off of our bed. Sounded like a sack o potatos hitting the floor. Cripes. This has to get better!


nom nom nom.

your boys are precious.

my first one was like noah... i could sit him on the couch and he would just... stay. i couldn't figure out what my friends were doing wrong, my baby was so GOOD! (well, in this sense)... but number 2? OMG!!! he's 15 months and STILL launches himself off EVERYTHING with complete reckless abandon. when i hear him yell 'jump!' my stomach flip flops and i run like a maniac to wherever his voice came from because OHMYGOD the things he's jumped from?!

so, anyways, good luck with that.


Great post, perfect ending.

I found myself laughing at the shower scene you wrote here-- the same one that goes on in my shower each morning. Only thing is, the kid WANTS the water to be on him. Wants to 'catch' it. And he keeps lurching out of the baby bathtub to get it. It is all I can do to keep the shampoo rinsing straight down and not into his eyes... I will be climbing into the attic later today to get down the baby-bath seat.

Kid is up from nap. Mommy time is over. Have a great day!


Seriously, Amy, how can you withstand the cute? My ovaries are just squeeing with glee over that picture, in spite of the story that went with it! Ah, well, I'll make due with my fiance and my cats for now. Maybe I could just borrow yours for a couple days? :)


I LOVE your blog and only discovered it about a week ago, so thanks to Courtney for that. But I COMPLETELY feel this entry. Keegan, my son is 13 months and although it looks the normal size, apparently my sons head is VERY heavy, because he tends to lean into it as he walks so that he may or may not topple over or worse trip over nothing and it propels him head first into some corner or sharp object, or (and only once) a toilet, he's fast okay? So think back, now yes the pre walk stage is hard, this, just SUCKS!


My very smart daughter in law rolls the high chair in the bathroom. She straps my darling grandson in and gives him toys and puffs. Then showers like her ass is on fire. It's the only way she ever got clean. Hats off to her I say!

Halala Mama

OH my - I know what you mean about pre-mobility. My son doesn't crawl yet either - BUT has learned that he can roll himself to get somewhere...unfortunately he only has one direction he rolls and he generally ends up lodged against the wall. But he hasn't tried to kill himself, he left that to me - as we were leaving for the store, he leaned back and I walked around the corner - thus whacking his head on the wall. He wailed and I was HOR-RI-FIED!! Your post made me laugh - thanks :)


Just have to say that you make me laugh so hard that my husband mutes the TV and asks me to read him what you wrote that's making me laugh so hard and loud.

Thanks for the hilarious reality!

Mariana Perri

I totally relate!!!
Alice, my baby girl, was the exact same... all mommies proudly telling me they could easily take a shower while their babies peacefully just sat there, and me, to this day, 18 months later, cannot blink for more than one second without my little girl finding trouble!lol
Took her 9months to crawl, 16 months to walk... all I ever wanted was her mobile independence and BOOM, here it is... and now, more than ever, I cannot even look away for a single second!lol

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