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June 2009
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August 2009

Lists. The Final Blogging Cop-Out Frontier.

THREE MOST AWESOMELY ESSENTIAL BABY TOYS 1) Munchkin Mozart Magic Cube, gift from sister 2) Spare toothbrushes, gift from dentist 3) OMSORG shoehorn, Ikea, 99 cents TEN THINGS MY PRESCHOOLER WILL EAT 1) Pizza crust 2) Grilled cheese sandwich crust 3) Bread, but without the crust 4) Macaroni & cheese fromabox fromabox thatisnotfromaboxnoooo 5) Sticker Cheerios (Honey Nut Cheerios) 6) Pananas (bananas) 7) Nolabars (granola bars) 8) Trader Joe's Vegetable Masala Burgers 9) Anything you liquefy in a blender, pour into a sippy cup and call it "juice" 10) Air, probably. Does it have a crust? THINGS MY BABY WILL NOT EAT 1) Uh. 2) Hmm. 3) He didn't seem too fond of that lettuce leaf the other night? 4) But then he grabbed some parsley leaves right off the plant in the garden and ate those? 5) Yeah, I'm stumped. He eats everything. THINGS MY PRESCHOOLER SAID "I LOVE YOU" TO TODAY 1) Plastic DVD case, The Polar Express 2) Toy boom box from Yo Gabba Gabba playset 3) Thomas the Tank Engine packpack (backpack) 4) Book dust jacket, Knuffle Bunny Too 5) Sippy cup of "juice" THINGS MY PRESCHOOLER SAID "YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND!!" TO TODAY 1)... Read more →

Testing, Testing

Why, hello! Sooooo very glad to be back in the land of working Internet access. Ours was shut off yesterday. Not "down," shut off. Along with our cable. Because we rule at life and money. RULE I SAY. Our credit/debit card numbers were apparently "compromised" after a break-in at our bank, so we were issued new ones a few months ago. And while we THOUGHT we'd gone and updated all the various auto-billing and auto-pay thingies, I guess we never got around to the Internet and cable. And the bills kept arriving in the mail, past due balances and late fees adding up month after month, but we did not realize this, because, well. We never opened the envelopes. Because of the auto-pay! RUN MY LIFE, CREDIT-BOTS. At some point, Jason realized Verizon was trying to bill a no-longer-valid card and updated it. And then Verizon tried to charge the new card hundreds of dollars in past-due charges. And the new card was rejected, because we only hundreds of dollars in the account. And boom! Shut off and shut down. I don't want to bore y'all to death with the run-down of What It Took to get everything... Read more →

Neck Cramp, Camp. Hey, That Rhymes! I Hereby Declare This Entry "Cohesive."

There was a time when my Monday posts almost always included a description of how I'd managed to injure myself over the weekend. I fell out of cabs, tripped on my stilettos, got drunk and fell down hills with staggering frequency. Such were the occupational hazards of being young and fabulous and dripping with disposable income. NOTE: If I'd fallen down this weekend, I could have typed "How the mighty have fallen!" and then been all, "LITERALLY!" and then been all, "RIM SHOT!" and then you guys could have been all, "UNSUBSCRIBE." I did not fall down this weekend. But I certainly did not let that stand in my way. First, I bit my tongue, and then accidentally stabbed my gums with a fork five minutes later. Drew blood both times. Second, I woke up on Friday morning with my neck...just...oh God, it was just ALL WRONG. I couldn't move it to the right without PAIN, oh God, the PAIN. If I may just Drama Queen all over the place for a minute or two, I am fairly sure this was the most pain I have ever been in, at least since the time I had to work a trade... Read more →

Deodorant Wars IV: The New Class

(Part One, Two, Three) I originally planned to rewrite the theme song for Saved By The Bell with all new deodorant-inspired lyrics. I got as far as "When I wake up in the mornin' and my pits give out a warnin' and I don't think that I'll ever stay dry" before I thought better of it. MOVING ON. Let's meet our fresh new cast members: DEGREE SEXY INTRIGUE: Hi! Yes. For real. I'm SEXY INTRIGUE from Degree's new "Fine Fragrance Collection." Because apparently deodorant has gone and gotten itself a big ol' complex about being one of those boring, utilitarian things that everybody uses. No! Deodorants are FANCY now. Fancy and fine and blinged out to the maxx. We're like recession perfume. Caviar for your armpits. You may not have a job or much money anymore, but goddammit, you've got a deodorant with a GOLD STICKER ON IT, bitches. Let's take a closer look at that label: (Sexy! And intriguing! I could stare at puffed-rice animal-spot things all day. I feel like this is the EXACT design that would result if you asked The Girls Next Door to come up with something.) SECRET SCENT EXPRESSIONS: Whatever, gold labels are... Read more →

I Asked a Bottle of Red Wine to be My Life Coach, and Look Where It Got Me

Conclusion to Amy Takes Her Foot-in-Mouth Show On the Road: Holy awkward SHITBALLS, people. She walked by me this morning and didn't even LOOK at me. And then picked her son up EARLY this afternoon. Probably just to avoid me, because I am sure I made that much of an impression and there couldn't possibly be any other explanation, like a doctor's appointment or a vacation or...okay, there are possibly a few other explanations. But me and my mad social skillz remain suspicious. Suspicious and lonely and very glad we were both too lazy to follow-through on the cookie idea. Over the last few weeks I've read more than a smattering of blog entries addressing the whole "are we done having babies" question. A good number of them were written by women with babies somewhere around Ezra's age. And they of course got me thinking about writing a similar entry, because I haven't had an original thought bash around my skull since at least 2004. (Unless you include the thing with the talking deodorants. Then I am a national treasure of useless creative vision.) A few weeks after Ezra was born, I tentatively said something to Jason about the topic.... Read more →