I think you made a good decision. But you know what? If you had made the opposite decision, I would think the same thing, because you guys know Noah best. Any decision you make for him is mostly likely going to work out well - and this clearly wasn't a cavalier decision - because you always try to do what's right for him. Sure, hindsight is great for beating yourself up and all, but as parents all we can do is make the best decision we can with the information we have now, and not dwell (too much) on the might-have-beens. Hope his year is a good one!

Yea for hats! And yea for having finally made a decision. Now on to the shoe shopping and haircut getting!

Big decision. It'll cost you, but I doubt you'll regret it. My kids are only 10.5 months apart, and I stay home with them. I was going out of my mind that first year, and around the time my 2nd was 8 months old, my partner finally convinced me to get a mother's helper. We had her 3 hours a day, 5 days a week for a number of months. It cost us $200 a week, and yes we ended up in (substantial) debt because of it. But we both still feel it was money well spent. I think you'll feel the same way, even if your financial picture takes a big hit. Best of luck!

Hopefully you'll find out you qualify for gobs of financial aid AND Noah will do fantastically in his new circumstances. We're all cheering for you and him, even if sometimes people on teh intarweb don't understand how the world looks through your eyes.

Good luck and God bless. Seriously. What a tough position to be in. Makes you wish for an accurate magic 8 ball.

To me, the regret question is legitimate. It's worth an awful lot of debt and poverty not to have to look back and wonder "if". At least it sounds like this way you'll know you gave it everything you had.

I'm so happy for y'all. You've made a decision. Sure, figuring out the finances and the scheduling and whatever else is going to be stressful. But you have something to look forward to that gives you hope.

You will never regret giving your child all that you can.

Go Noah! I love the hat. I can't pull such daring fashion choices off.

Am glad you made a decision. Just any decision. That you're happy with. None of us know the right answer, even with all our input and whatnot.

And maybe he'll love school all day. And maybe he won't. Who knows. Whichever he chooses though, thousands of kids have chosen before. I cried every day for a month when I had to stay in first grade the whole day.

Good for you! Sometimes the offer is all that's needed.
Good luck to Noah and here's to more hats!

You are doing a fantastic job. Noah is so lucky to have you. It is a lovely hat, really. Go give him a giant hug, okay?

WEEPING. You just made me weep.

It's funny how your gut can be wrenched with worry when you're unsure of your trust in it, and then feel all warm and fuzzy when you finally give into what you know has been the RIGHT thing to do all along. Guts are good.

Muffin tops...not so much.

So tough to make those decisions! And if you put the button up while I know I couldn't give much I know I would give - because look at that face!!! And that hat!!!

My God, you are an amazing writer. And, I think you guys are doing the right thing.

I hope you keep that picture on your desktop, fridge, countertop, somewhere where you see it all day every day to remind you what a great decision you have made. Maybe put one near the mail slot, so when the credit card bills come in 2 inches thick, you'll remember why you made your decision.

Good luck to Noah!

Awesome hat, awesome boy ;) I'm sorry I was one of the ones who misconstrued the carpet/disposal angle - but I still really believe you won't ever regret sending Noah to this school despite the financial burden. Maybe this situation *is* the emergency you set aside savings for.

I'm so happy for Noah, that he's found a place that has helped him so much already. You will find a way to make it work financially. And if you do end up deciding to put the Paypal button up? I will dig up a few crumpled bills to send to you. Because the fact that there are blacksmith orphans out there doesn't make Noah any less deserving of the help he needs. And I think there are a lot of us that have been reading about Noah and watching him grow up from a distance for a long time, and if one of my IRL friends' children needed a service they couldn't afford, I would help them out if I could, in a heartbeat. And I don't see how this is any different.

Good luck to all of you and I hope you're at least feeling some relief over having made the decision!

The money doesn't matter. Noah matters. In the great words of Grandpa Joe, "There will always be money. They print more everyday."

You do what you have to do for your children no matter the cost. You've seen for yourself the difference this camp has made for the whole family. Why stop now?

And he looks so good in that hat.

long time reader, first time commenter. Can you configure your posts in google reader so I have to come here to read them? That would remind me to click on all your ads more often.

Congrats on making a decision. A mother's instinct is never wrong.

Gut check ALWAYS wins --- even when it is counter-intuitive. If you had said no --- it would have been because it was the hard sell and they weren't looking out for Noah (most kids INDEED), but since you decided yes ... Oh, I'm just proud of you. I'm sure it will be right, no matter what happens. Someday, subtle-like, sneak the PayPal button back up. We'll respond, and it won't feel like charity. It ISN'T charity --- it's paying you because you entertain us, more regularly than even movies or TV shows. I didn't think to say it yesterday, but hell yeah, we'd chip in --- cause you always make my slow workdays a bit faster.

You are amazing. I've been reading for a while, but this is the first entry that made me cry. I'm not a mother, but if I ever am one... I hope I'm half the mom you are.

I hope only the best for Noah, and for you.

Is it absolutely crazy that tears are streaming down my face right now?

I almost cried. And then I read Daisy's post and I could see it and I definitely cried.
Good for you.

Oh, please accept my apology if anything I said made your decision harder! Like anything a total stranger could say would have anything more than an infinitesimal impact on such a decision, but you know what I mean. I hate thinking that maybe I misunderstood you and unknowingly hurt you in some way.

In the end, you and Jason are Noah's parents and you love him fiercely and only want what is best for him. That ALONE is giving him a huge, unfathomable advantage in the world. He will be all right. You will be all right. Whatever you decide, however preschool works out or doesn't work out, you will know you did the best you could.

We all do love you guys, in that unique bloggy way. :-) I'll be praying for you, too. And congratulations to Noah for wearing a hat!

My only thought when you have been writing about this, is I hope that this year is easy on YOU, my heart broke repeatedly for what YOU had to go through with that other school. Not that I don't think about Noah, but I know you are looking out for him and that it will be fine.

I hope this school year gives you back some of the hope you lost last year. And since he is now wearing a hat I think that it definetly will.

p.s. yesterday I totally thought from the picture that it was going to be another deodorant war and waited to read the post until I got home because I didn't want everyone in my office asking what I was laughing at. :)

I'm following this as closely as if it were my own child. You can always decide to un-send him if things aren't going your way, right? If it's too much for you or for him, but if it feels right now, it's probably right. I can't help but think, that every time I come here, I'm absorbing some awesome parenting by osmosis.

Can I suggest that maaaybe just maaaaybe these people didn't smell blood in the water, but instead really firmly believe in their program and have seen the improvement in Noah (and other children) that come from their program and the Preschool. It's possible they were so adamant because like you they really think Noah could blossom in this environment. Of course they want to fill their spots, but it sounds like these folks really care about the children and that...is priceless.

Good luck! I can't wait to hear how well he's doing in Preschool!

Oh, I'm crying.

I totally know those nights when you go into their rooms and hold them and just think about stuff ... Bittersweet, those moments.

It's all bittersweet, isn't it?

It's like the hat is a sign!

I think mommy-gut trumps all, so that alone tells me you did the right thing. Aside from that, sending him won't possibly do him any harm- only good can come out of that, right? So there you go. I get the significance of the hat- I really do. A hat he made? Brilliant!

Hmm, *I* made the comment about the roof, and I think your context is misleading. A TREE fell on our house. As in, a gaping hole that rain and animals and other things can fall through. That's much different than "a decent roof" or new carpet.

My point was that the unexpected happens, and it happened to us just this week, and by the grace of God alone we have the money to pay to have it repaired. It was a note of caution to you...the unexpected happens and if you drain everything where will the money come from if it happens to YOU?

Wonderful post, big tears. The picture of you sitting on his bed ruffling his hair, mentally cataloging his wardrobe - wow. You made the right decision. I know you don't need Random Commenter 55 to tell you that, but I hope it feels good to see it anyway, because I mean it and I believe it and I want you to feel really, really good about your decision. Your tiger devotion to Noah makes me a better mom. I had a snap decision moment earlier this week - about 15 seconds to make a commitment that would affect my daughter all school year (pre-K year no less - it's a big year!) and I had a fleeting thought of "What would Amalah do?" And I went with my gut and I'm very happy with the outcome. So is my daughter. So thanks for popping into my head every now and then when it counts. :-) And I'll be just about ready to retire in 2029- I'll put in a good word for Noah for my job.

We are going to be having our first child in college two years from now and another one two years after that. We are already worrying about how to finance it. I am also going to college but will be done in a year. It is crazy expensive. However, one of my professors noted that she paid more for her child to be in preschool than we were paying for college (I go to a Cal State University school). The schools that Noah needs must be very expensive indeed. Are there scholarships available? There must be some kind of help because I don't know how anyone can afford that. I wish you the best of luck.

Going to click on your ad links now ;) Glad you came to a decision...I know it will be the right one for Noah. Will be SO hoping the money part just...falls into place somehow.

Brave. That's what you are. To share Noah's journey with us, to share your fears about school and worries over money. You sharing your story has made my own journey in motherhood more rich, from being grateful for what I have to embracing the craziness more often. Thank you for sharing-it really does make me smile when I see that there's a new post from you.

Good luck. Can you pull him out if it just gets to be too much? Or are you financially committed for a semester/year? Also, maybe you could just not send him to the morning program if you get better results with the afternoon one. All options I'm sure you've considered -- but just throwing them out there on the rare chance you haven't.

I am weeping at your fabulously raw writing. Thanks for letting us in on your journey. If that Paypal button ever needs to go up, don't sweat it too much. There is a whole world out here breathing those hard sighs along with you. We love you and your (adorable hat wearing) sons.

I started reading your blog just before I had my first baby in April. I now read it EVERY day, and I feel like I've gotten to know you and your family (it's crazy, this world of internets). Anyway, your struggle with how to do best by your family in a world that is just not black and white, but rather really intricate shades of grey, inspires me to no end. Anyone that believes that this decision should be black or white is a sucker...and they are probably not as good a parent as you are. Check this one off your list of worry now (you know, the one that sends your heart racing at 2 a.m.) You've made a great decision, and I cannot wait to see what an awesome little man Noah turns out to be...make sure you keep posting pictures until he's old enough to post them himself :)

I've written you before about how similar our boys are. So I wanted to tell you how it's working out for us doing something similar. You know that feeling you had when you saw him in the hat? You know how much they adored him at the camp? You know that nasty little ball of anxiety that is no longer in your gut at pick up time? You know how great all of that feels for him and you? That's what your investing in. Spending money sucks, but...you'll never get back these years of his AND YOUR lives. I just know I'm so glad I don't go through the sucky feeling at pick up anymore. No more of the teachers judgy little stares, Gary not seeming quite happy.

I'm going to click on all of the ads on your site right now. Hope it helps in a small way :)

I agree--your decision is probably in Noah's best interest. Now, if it doesn't work out with The Preschool after the first year, could Noah go back to the program you had initially "designed" for him?

Also: Scary stuff, that money situation--does the company Jason works for have any kind of assistance programs/ scholarships that Noah could qualify for?

Amy, you made the right decision, because whether he "needs" the extra help or not, it certainly won't hurt him. I mean, really, what 4 year old WOULDN'T benefit from that kind of setting? And I come to that from the place of getting my little guy ready for his post-early intervention preschool evaluation through the school district in a few more months. I figure even if I don't think he really NEEDS all that extra help, he certainly woulnd't be harmed by it!

Good luck to all of you. Noah's hat is darling.

Ugh (sigh) - I was one of the people that used "regret" in my comment - as if I have a clue of what you are going through - I'm sorry for that. I just...want you all to be happy and everything to be ok, is all.

This is a beautiful post. Very happy for you. :)

Also, great idea Alissa...off to click some ads :)

I so wish I'd read your post yesterday, but I'm glad I'm here today. I sincerely hoped only my husband and I were by ourselves in having to make a decision similar to this. I hate that I'm wrong. I am right there with you. You have no idea. But what you do for your kids' benefit is all that matters.

Having a stable environment is as important as a great school.

I would have had a very hard time but like you would have decided exactly the same way as you did, just figured it out through my gut.

Good luck. Things work out..and this all will too.

If you do reconsider the PayPal option, you don't even need to announce it, just stick it there on the sidebar and readers like me, who don't know you IRL (different sides of the river....), but who want to support you and have some extra pennies every once in a while to do something nice, can help out.

In a sense, its paying you back for all the entertainment that you and your family provide us - a way for us to say thank you.

Sending you lots of virtual support as you navigate these difficulties of parenthood.... our children are so awesome and so heartbreaking and so wonderful. Your love for both of your children is beautiful. <3

Mir - I was not referring to your comment, at all. Really. A few people misread my (poorly chosen) list of worries as things I was thinking of putting AHEAD of Noah, as in "I don't want to send him to this school because my roof/disposal/carpet is more important." I was trying to illustrate the point your comment made (what IF the unexpected happens and we don't have $ for it, i.e. selling the house, flooded kitchen) but I did it poorly.

Again, sooooo not referring to you.

But regardless, I asked for comments from people who don't have all the information, and I got exactly that. I see it as more my fault than anybody who commented. (At least anybody who commented with good intentions, anyway.)