How big is the baby

Public Service Announcement

It has been brought to my attention that reader Kari declared yesterday's post "the EXACT OPPOSITE of birth control," and that many, many of you agreed with that assessment.

Did you not read the part about the screaming? The terrible, terrible screaming? That he does in lieu of using anything remotely close to the English language? All the time, for everything and sometimes for no reason at all?

Oh, I see. The photos of the happy, angelically cute baby distracted you from that part. Well then. I'm afraid I'm going to have to break out the big guns. For your sake. For the overpopulated planet's sake. YOU MUST HEAR THE TRUTH.

Why You Should Not Have Babies, Exhibit #342 from amalah on Vimeo.

I think he's saying he would like more cantaloupe. Or maybe more souls. Could really be either.

ANNOYING DISCLAIMER: I gave him more cantaloupe. I did not purposely withhold cantaloupe for the purposes of this video, or sit there eating cantaloupe in front of him like Kate Gosselin.* He was simply expressing his supreme displeasure over my refusal to give him more than one piece of cantaloupe at a time, because if I gave him six pieces of cantaloupe he would shove all six pieces of cantaloupe in his mouth at once and then SCREAM ANYWAY because there wasn't any more cantaloupe on his tray.

*To my knowledge, Kate Gosselin has never eaten cantaloupe in front of Ezra either. 



He shattered my eardrums. Poor you!


This was freakiong hysterical. My daughter and her friends are all laughing their heads off.
The rage: it is INCANDESCENT!


Awesome. My ten month old boy doesn't quite scream as forcefully as that, BUT he does the same arm-flappy thing and will attempt to cram every last food item on his tray into his mouth in one go. What is WITH that?

Thanks for the laugh--it's too late for me though, I've already got two!! :)


I haven't commented here in ages, but that made me laugh out loud. HARD. Perhaps even startling my neighbor in the office next door. So, thanks for bringing the funny...I needed that today!




Nope, didnt work, still precious. Althought that may be b/c he's yours and i only have to hear it for the duration of the video at which point i can wander back to yesterday's photos. :)


The slow-mo action really drove your point home, girl. I.AM.TERRIFIED.

And a little hungry for cantaloupe.


That is hilarious!!! I'm sure it's not hilarious to you, but it is to me. Mine screams, but has never produced anything quite so... shrill before.

Fawn Amber

LMFAO. Oh my God. That is the funniest thing I have seen in days.

I would still have another one! Maybe just...some earplugs? I dunno.


tears.streaming with laughter. Love it!

and no, it still makes me want more. And I have 8 mo old TWINS!


Ok. That worked. My cervix is permanently sealed shut.

Thank you.


Oh dear Lord. THAT was some funny shit.


Best post EVAH!


That MIGHT have worked, except that vimeo pops up the LOLZ video after it and, if you watch it, you can also see Noah's dance. Totally cancels out the primal scream. (Which was hilarious)


That was AWESOME! I'd forgotten those days...


The intensity. With the face. And those arms. Hilarious. All the way over here in internet land.


Ha! But still cute.


My daughter did that same screaming thing for months. Thankfully she has mostly stopped. We just started ignoring the screaming so she learned that it wouldn't get her anything. But while it lasted? It was definitely a big part in deciding to wait just a little longer before making her a big sister.


That just might be the best video I have ever seen.


Huge guffaws. From someone past the child-bearing years...

Erin @ Fierce Beagle

Man right toward then end of each scream it looks like he just...might...cry, but then suddenly his face falls into an accusing stare that says nothing more than it says, "Um, WELL?!"


My youngest son does THE EXACT SAME THING! But he's still so nomnomnom-able. So is Ezra. NOMNOMNOM!


hm. he seems pissed. ?


yeah. but he's still cute.




Damn it, now my uterus is just confused. No idea what it wants. Ambivalent, and sort of weepy.


I played the video, not remembering that I turned the volume on my laptop all the way up last night.

Uh, OW.

Dude, I feel your pain. FOR REALS. Yikes.


OMFG - hysterical and adorable. Snackbox also protests when I give him just one piece of banana at a time, because if I thought he could manage more than one piece I would just hand him the whole damn banana instead of pinching pieces off and getting banana goo under my fingernails. He's not a screamer as much as a hollerer, though. Not quite as eardrum-piercing, though just as loud.

Sprite's Keeper

I'm sorry, but HOW is that supposed to be birth control? It wasn't that bad! (or maybe my volume wasn't turned up enough...)


Q:"why do you scream little boy?"
A:"because I can..RAAAWWRRR..That is all, as you were"

C @ Kid Things

The sad thing is that sounds about normal to me.


I've watched that three times - so hilarious.

Dawn B

Holy crap that is funniest thing I've ever seen. Point taken. LMAO

She Likes Purple

Not. Work. Friendly.

(Still adorable.)


I watched this w/ Michael and he wanted to know where the dinosaur was


He's going to grow up to be either a rock star or a politician.

Lynn @ Walking With Scissors

My son just about peed himself laughing. As of right now, we have watched the video three times. Both my children are now refraining, "do it again! Do it again!" So thanks for that. ;)


Oh ma gawd, I totally laughed out loud. Amy, you are hilarious. And I appreciate the Kate Gosselin comment as well. Dude. I love Mighty Ez!


OMG, that is freakin' funny! Sorry, not effective birth control for me. Mine is a YELLER. She YELLS when she wants something, but fortunately she keeps it in a lower octave.


OMG, that is freakin' funny! Sorry, not effective birth control for me. Mine is a YELLER. She YELLS when she wants something, but fortunately she keeps it in a lower octave.


Oh my god. I'm almost 21 weeks pregnant, it's a boy, and I'm laughing so hard I'm shaking. I'm also terrified beyond belief.


Now, THAT, was birth control...albeit hilarious. And then there was LOLZ, so any effect of the shrill, eardrum-bursting scream was lost. Nice try, though. :)

cindy w

My husband was in the next room and yelled, "What the hell was THAT?!?!!" He thought I was watching videos of howler monkeys.

He's still damn cute, even when he's screaming.


That was so funny, I had to watch it twice.

Also, I'm not sure it was much birth control either.


Oh... God... can't... breathe....
Still laughing.
Ok, done now. I'm so glad your kid does that too. Please also let us know when you learn how to fix it. I'm desperate and my ears hurt.


Still kinda want one...ha!


Is it wrong that I can't stop laughing at that?



Nope, didn't work.

Still want a pile of babies. Even if it means living life to the soundtrack of a shrieking pterodactyl.


Tears...runnung...down...face - this was ridiculously funny.

And then one day you realize that they have stopped the screaming, Mine did at about 13 months, ahhhhhh, sweet baby chatter instead...


Still has done NOTHING for me in terms of birth control! Now I want one ever more so I can laugh that hard ALL the time.


My one year old son does that, too. It's the closest I've ever been to being verbally abused.

It became much more intense once he had tubes put in his ears, because he could hear his screams now, and really enjoyed his sick, sick power.


Oh my hell, you just made my day. Fan-farkin-tastic!!! The Might Ez Rawrs......


That was hilarious enough for me to comment for the first time in like a year. Currently I have a live version of that same exact performance living in my house (I'm sorry to tell you, about a year older, although it's been going on since about Ezra's age), so I didn't need the b.c. encouragement, but I think it's time the people heat the truth about the childrens... they is LOUD!!!!!

Parsing Nonsense

I haven't laughed that hard since Wilson sawed House's cane and made him fall down in the hall (disregard this if you aren't a House fan)

That is awesome, the slow-motion ending absolutely killed me.


My 3 yr old has a scream that sounds like the puree setting on the blender.

Anna Marie

Nope. He's still cute. and my two year old daughter is begging for "more" right now. She wants to see the Ez man scream again.


Ahhh, brings tears to my eyes (from laughing hysterically) but also because it makes me miss my baby while I'm at work (clearly not working) because he does the exact same thing! They could be the best of friends!


Haven't commented in a long time but came out to say that was awesome. Great video work. So funny.


I'm sorry Amy. He's still fucking cute.

Lori M

can.not.stop.laughing!!!!!!!!! Been there done that, and he is STILL one of the freakin' cutest babies....EVAH!!!!!!!


OHMYSTARS I just horked on my English muffin! HA (and I can only laugh because my own little shrieker is down for the longest nap in history right now and I'm a little giddy). So glad someone else out there has a SCREAMER!!!!


Why didn't you warn me of this a year ago?!?! Are you telling me that the 11 week cutey in her swing is a ticking time bomb?


That was awesome!


I just snorted Coke Zero on that one. More baby videos, pleasethankyousomuch. :-)


#1- Best.Video.Ever.

#2- My daughter was a screamer. All Day. Every Day. No Respite. It does pass, but it'll seem like it takes ten years for it to.


Good scream. Not quite as high pitched as it could be, but impressive nevertheless.

My 3 year-old has always shoved so much food in his mouth that he gags and throws up everywhere. Home. Pizza places. Italian family restaurants. I'm pretty sure he has caused many a young couple to swear off procreation forever.


ha ha ha! love it! My son was also big on the random screaming, and I hate to break it to you, but he's almost TWO and it hasn't stopped although it has gotten louder. infact, eh was also interested in the "if it's on my tray it's in my mouth so you better only give me one piece at a time and trust that I will eat it AS SLOWLY AS POSSIBLE because I am pissed that there aren't more pieces in my mouth and because I know that you have nothing better to do than feed me each. bite. separately. but don't ever get annoyed and just throw all the food on my tray because I will totally put it all in my mouth and try to swallow it whole until I choke and barf everything on the floor." Boys are so fun!


That scream COMPLETELY confused and dismayed my dog. Ha ha. I'm going to replay it now. And laugh point and laugh at my dog.


OH GOD HELP ME. I'm not ready for kids, but that video made me WANT THEM MORE. That is just so hilarious and cute and annoying and all of it makes me envy you.

Getting pregnant isn't completely stupid when your husband is just starting out in his career and you're still in college... is it?


Yup, you convinced me. I'll get my baby fixes on the internets instead of my womb.


My 14 month old thought the video was hysterical. Of course, we don't find her screaming hysterical.



And still doesn't scare me.....

Tiffany Dahle

Once the goosebumps subsided from my back and i wiped the tears from my eyes, I clutched my side in preparations for more fits of laughter and hit "Play" again. Fantastic clip. But it didn't work, he's still cute as the dickens.


Still so cute. Give him some damn cantaloupe, woman! (And now you have made me want some cantaloupe. . . )


That is too funny! I've got a screamer too and it can be deafening. MOM! CANTALOPE! NOW!!! Ha!


It's not working! Probably because he's STILL freaking adorable. My ovaries hurt and I blame you. ;)


I think I just peed my pants. That was awesome.

And for the record, I would probably withhold the proverbial cantaloupe just so everyone could see exactly what it is we're dealing with.

I guess I'm mean... :)


I am DYING over here because my son does the EXACT SAME THING and I have not been able to capture it on video. Seriously, my whole family is here CRACKING UP because it's like watching Koren with a different face.


I hate to break it to you but that was REALLY, FREAKING CUTE. I've watched it about 10 times.


I almost peed myself right now. Thanks for the laughs! I don't need the video because everytime I think I want another baby, I remember that I like to sleep.


Ok, this is my first comment on this site...but I had to say it, I think I might have peed myself I was laughing so hard.


Ahh, that is just talking! :) I actually miss the ear-splitting screeching that comes at this age. I was only able to have one child and it makes me smile to remember all the days my little man (now 6) used to do that. Of course, I may not have enjoyed it as much then.


you should have dished out the fruit faster woman!!
Too cute


Oh. My. GOD!!! That was HILARIOUS! Awesome way to start my morning!

(Note: I don't have kids, so maybe I think it's hilarious now, but maybe in a few years...)


Now THAT is Birth Control if I have ever seen it!

Karen G

LMAO because, well, other people's kids screaming = funny while my kid screaming (albeit at a much more shrill, ear-piercing pitch) = obnoxious and very birth-controlish. ;)


I watched it with no sound, and it is STILL funny. Mine whines now. I'm not sure which is worse.


Omg, you brought back horrible memories for me. I am going to have nightmares that I'm pregnant tonight!!!!

sensibly Sassy

Well that did not dissuade me from babies...he is pretty darn cute even when he is pissed


OMG!! The slo-mo was priceless. PRICELESS!!!


My youngest son does the same thing. It is why I now get migraines. I am sorry for you.

Also? You are a funny chick.




Hahahaha.... I always referred to my twin nephews as "Birth Control" due to the extreme volume of the house when they were awake. My boyfriend agreed heartily with that assessment.


That was so funny. I could have sworn I heard Noah saying, in the beginning, something like "He's going to scream" or something like that. Heh.

My kids have always hated running out of food on their plates. My two year old will have three hunks of fruit on his plate, and one in his mouth, and will say, "More fruit? More fruit?" I don't know if he's asking if there's more in the HOUSE, or what, all i know is if I tell him he HAS fruit on his plate, he looks at me like I'm speaking Urdu.


See, I just laughed my ass off. And it didn't deter my screaming ovaries one bit.

Cute, even screaming!


That is fantastic.


Haha thanks for that, it was just what I needed ;)


That is still horribly, terribly cute. If only all children's screams over cantelope would be as cute as Ezra's.


hi-fricken-larious! great post!

Pinkie Bling

ZOMFG the slow-mo scream was FUNNY!!!

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