Lo, if it is hard and unyielding, I shall whallop my noble crown against it.
If it is soft and upholstered, I shall climb atop and hurl my body headfirst from its highest peak.
If it is a place in which I may get stuck, I will get stuck.
If it is not bolted to the wall...look, you see where this is going, okay?
If it is food, I shall eat it.
If it fits in my mouth, then it is food, and verily, I shall eat it.
If it does not fit in my mouth, it is still probably food, and I shall wail piteously about not being able to eat it.
If you have forgotten to put the pet food back on the counter, I shall sense it from three rooms away, for I am all-knowing, except for where I dropped that toy I was playing with not 30 seconds prior.
If a bathroom door is open, I shall find it and pass through it and have my hands in the toilet faster than an unladen European swallow.
If you are in the bathroom, I shall choose this exact moment to trip over my stupid little plastic push toy walker and send my bottom teeth through my upper lip, just so you can hear the wailing for 15 horrible seconds before arriving on the scene, by which point there is blood gushing everywhere and because you have such terrific instincts your first thought shall be, "FORBIDDEN BABY IMMORTAL VAMPIRE CHILD!"
If you decide to inspect my lip the next day, woe shall be upon you. Woe and nausea. For I did indeed do a grisly number on myself.
If the dishwasher door is open, I shall climb upon it.
If you attempt a weekly Friday blog feature regarding dated out-of-print high school textbooks and other laughable ephemera, I shall mash the buttons on your scanner with such force as to reset all the default settings so that anything you scan shall be like the Tower of Babel, incomprehensible, unreadable, and using up a fucking shitload of ink because for some reason it keeps printing instead of scanning but everything is printing all black and, like, what the hell?
If you attempt to get mad at me, I shall look at you like this, and all shall be forgiven.