May 14, 2010
We need to talk.
Oh, don't look at me like that. You know. YOU KNOW EXACTLY.
Look. Cat. You've been a fine cat. For almost...wow...12 years now, you've been a very fine cat. Very affectionate and cozy and face-nuzzly and such. And I can't tell you how happy I am that you remain so healthy and spry and feisty after almost 12 whole years.
Like the other night? When you were rolling around on the bed being all adorable and I decided to record a little movie of your adorableness but the dog felt all left out and whimper-y on the floor so I picked her up and put her on the bed and you were immediately all OH HELLLLLZ NO BITCH THIS BED AND TUMMY RUBBIN IS MINE and proceeded to lunge at her head like a cheetah in a nature documentary?
Yeah, that. While not the adorable pet video I originally had in mind, I was still pleased to see you can still get all aggressive and feline-like, when you feel like it.
Which brings me to my point: If you're still obviously so up for a good tussle, why the fuck do we have a MOUSE, a mouse in our KITCHEN, a mouse that comes OUT OF THE CABINET at night and sits NEXT TO YOUR BOWL and EATS YOUR FOOD and OH MY GOD, it's a goddamned RODENT.
(IN OUR HOUSE!)
Look, Cat. This isn't even the first mouse. We had one last year. Something I discovered when I pulled a baking sheet out the drawer under our stove and oh look, MOUSE TURDS. Do you remember that? You were at least vaguely helpful that time, what with all the INTENSE STARING you did that signaled to us that one of the sticky traps we set out had captured the mouse, the mouse that my husband (YOUR FATHER!) then refused to kill and kept trying to get me to LOOK AT IT and then he spent 20 minutes carefully removing the stupid thing from the trap before putting it in MY GOOD TUPPERWARE and being all, "Noah! Look! It's Ratatouille! Let's go get in the car and set him free somewhere so he can go back to his family!"
And then we got in the car and he asked me to hold the container in my LAP and I yelled at him to put that thing in the TRUNK because NO, I wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS. And then we drove to a goddamned field and he set the goddamned thing free and you know, I bet this is the same goddamned mouse, not that I'm going to check its little foot pads for signs of past sticky-trap trauma or anything.
Look, Cat. I gave you a pass last year because I thought the mouse was staying in non-cat-accessible places in the house. But now it has been brought to my attention that the mouse has been spotted OUT AND ABOUT, AT NIGHT. (Spotted by my husband [YOUR FATHER!], who again, did not respond to the sighting by like, throwing a fucking shoe at the thing or doing anything USEFUL, but instead just came upstairs and woke me up and was all, "HEY. GUESS WHAT I JUST SAW.")
Seriously. The thing comes out and eats your food. From your bowl. A bowl that we have since moved the fuck off the floor, and I can tell that pisses you right off from all the plaintive yowling you do every morning because meoooooooooowwwww I'm too old and lazy to jump up on a chaaaaaaair to get my fooooooood meeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwww halp meeeeee somebodeeeeeeee rooowwwlllll.
You know what, Cat? Tough freaking love. Do your job and get rid of the mouse and you can have your stupid bowl back on the stupid floor. What? I sound angry? I am. Almost 12 years, Cat. That's how long I've been feeding you and paying for shots and letting you sleep in my armpit and I didn't even TELL the Internet what you did to us while we were in Jamaica, going on a three-day hunger strike at the fancy expensive Pet Hotel, causing us and our emergency contact much stress and panic while we tried to find a pet sitter to go get you on goddamned SKYPE because we didn't even have a PHONE down there and then you were FINE and were just being a DIVA and after all of that, you're telling me you won't even TRY to kill ONE LITTLE MOUSE that is, for the record, EATING YOUR FOOD?
You're kind of a disgrace, Cat. 12 years of face scritches and unlimited catnip have made you soft. I'm guessing there's not much to be done about that at this point. Except maybe this:
Person With Opposable Thumbs Who Knows Where The Treats Are Kept, Bizzitch
Oh god, that was too funny! And yeah, they are divas. My baby is 12 too and GOD FORBID the closet is closed on the OFF CHANCE
Posted by: Dawn | May 14, 2010 at 11:13 AM
Agh, hit 'enter'... the OFF CHANCE she might want to wander in there at night and I CAN'T SLEEP WITH THE CLOSET OPEN since it's the last line of defense against...I don't know, some kind of horrible monster that lives only in closets and under the bed.
Posted by: Dawn | May 14, 2010 at 11:15 AM
Thanks for the laugh. I imagine lots of apathy in response to the lecture, too.
Posted by: Suzanne | May 14, 2010 at 11:17 AM
We discovered we had mice because I woke up in the middle of the night to the cats making a whole lot of noise outside of a laundry basket. They had gotten the mouse into the basket (no idea how) and were on either side of the basket playing ping pong, as far as I could tell, with the mouse. I had to wake up my husband so he could tell them they were wonderful kitties because I was almost sick. I almost wish our cats didn't like playing with mice so much!
Posted by: Wendryn | May 14, 2010 at 11:18 AM
Ok, this might seem odd, but you have a minpin (as do I) and I might like to mention that they are actually as good mousers as cats are, so you might want to leave Ceiba in the kitchen for a night and see how it goes.
We found this out last year when we were on vacation and my mom was petsitting the cat and dog and found a mouse that our minpin Robin had snapped its neck and left on the COUCH for her to find.
Posted by: Heidi T | May 14, 2010 at 11:19 AM
We have two cats. One of them, James, poops on the floor. But one could say he makes up for it because when the other one, Lilly, pukes he eats it.
Posted by: Ulla | May 14, 2010 at 11:21 AM
Poor little pursedog is skurred! I have no idea how my cat would do with a dog - or a mouse for that matter, but she does seem pretty adept at killing spiders! (I'm pretty sure she actually even eats them most of the time, but sometimes I find leetle spider corpses, which is ick, but less so than live ones, so. I guess I'll keep her ;) You cracked me up, Amy, seriously, so so very much. (I mean, I haven't slept all night, but still!)
Posted by: Heather | May 14, 2010 at 11:22 AM
OMG. That made me laugh SO hard. My cat chases spiders and talks to the birds, I don't know what she'd do with a mouse in the house, though.
Posted by: Stephanie M | May 14, 2010 at 11:25 AM
So once we had a mouse and our 17 year old cat was totally oblivious to it and then one day it came out and LOOKED AT ME. And...well...I FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. Seriously. Jumped in the chair, which was unfortunatly a swivel chair and then tried to jump to safety but...well...swivel chair...so I landed on the floor..with the FUCKING MOUSE and...I guess I learned that I am not good with wildlife in my house. And I learned that my cat is worthless.
A week later we actually caught the cat PLAYING with the mouse. But that is another story.
Posted by: Sarah | May 14, 2010 at 11:29 AM
LMAO! My mom has had this conversation with her cats several times. I think they think after age 8, they're senior citizens who demand dinner at 4 and are constantly telling the dogs to get off their lawn!
Posted by: Marianne | May 14, 2010 at 11:36 AM
hahah. thanks for the laughs. It's obvious that everyone in the house in conspiring with the mouse against you. I bet late at night your husband, your cat, and the mouse have little meetings about how to torment you. Maybe a nanny cam is in order?
Posted by: Meredith | May 14, 2010 at 11:38 AM
I believe I saw this once on Tom & Jerry. Your cat better watch out... those mice can be crafty little buggers!
Seriously, good luck on your attempts to de-mouse your house :-)
Posted by: Gina | May 14, 2010 at 11:39 AM
What's worse than finding mouse droppings on your counter? Finding them in the flip-out tray in front of the sink where you keep your sponge. The sponge you use to wash dishes. ::shudder:: Not that that actually happened in our TWO (diva) cat household or anything.
Cats these days. So useless.
Posted by: Blanche | May 14, 2010 at 11:41 AM
Hilarious! I hope she's learned her lesson.
Posted by: Megan (Best of Fates) | May 14, 2010 at 11:45 AM
This is SO hilarious! The cat on SKYPE absolutely killed me. Snorted coffee level of OMG laughing.
Thanks and have a great weekend!
Posted by: amy2boys | May 14, 2010 at 11:45 AM
Max! I love you, Max!
The only time (our sealpoint Siamese) Tarot has ever apparently killed a mouse was when we were away for our honeymoon for two weeks. The cat sitter said he appeared to have not even touched it, but that the thing had died of a heart attack, or possibly in its sleep. In the kitchen. It was so unblemished that it might have been sleeping. When the sitter arrived, Tarot was supposedly staring at it all, "Why won't my new best friend wake up? We were playing all nice-like."
Posted by: Cynical Nymph | May 14, 2010 at 11:51 AM
Could be worse. My mom's dog likes to play with the cat by putting the cat's head in his mouth. The cat tolerates it.
Posted by: Susan | May 14, 2010 at 11:52 AM
I can always send my terrier, Penny, over to help. I have a feeling she'd get the mouse like THAT.
Sorry the cat is not adhering to its biological imperative. Perhaps after seeing Ratatouille it decided to go all pacifist...?
Posted by: die Frau | May 14, 2010 at 11:53 AM
Spoiled old armpit sleeping cats! Sounds like our cat. I'm pretty sure he would run away from a mouse.
Posted by: Lisa | May 14, 2010 at 11:57 AM
Aw, c'mon. The poor cat is something like 61 in people years. Max is clearly going for early retirement.
I have a 21-lb. 3-year-old cat if you'd like to borrow her to see how she does with your little unwelcome guest. She's hefty, but she's definitely the huntress in our household. Just watch her to make sure she doesn't accidentally swallow Ceiba.
Posted by: Tara | May 14, 2010 at 12:32 PM
It's better if they don't find them.
When we had mice, our cat would bring them to me.
In my bed.
Posted by: Crabby Apple Seed | May 14, 2010 at 12:45 PM
I kept waiting for you to tell that story. And then all the snow hit.
But leave my g-d cat alone. I feel I've the right to call him that. I did save his life. Kind of.
Posted by: Jodifur | May 14, 2010 at 12:49 PM
That was awesome. My cat, Tandy, pretends she's all fierce, but as of yet has never actually caught anything. As she is an indoor-only cat, I have no idea what she would do if she actually saw a mouse in real-life. Probably want to befriend it and sleep in the same bed.
Posted by: Stephanie | May 14, 2010 at 12:55 PM
We have three cats. Two are indoor and the oldest cat goes outside and inside. He would bring mice in and loose them in the house. Or drop them live on the bed at 11pm at night. I don't know what is worse a dead mouse behind our waterbed or knowing what a dead mouse smells like! Since we got the indoor cats (we have coyotes) our oldest cat doesn't have a cat door anymore that he can come and go as he wishes. Occasionally he still manages to bring one in and loose it. Like last week when one of the younger cats was scratching in the closet of my sewing room.I made my husband look in the closet. He saw it but then it ran behind all the sewing stuff in the closet. Haven't found the remnents yet.
Posted by: Karen P | May 14, 2010 at 01:00 PM
I am in stitches! Found you on rimaramas blog roll and love your sense of humor. Definitely following!
Posted by: Kate | May 14, 2010 at 01:21 PM
Too funny! Especially the caption on the photo. We got mice under the stove when I was 8 mos.pregnant and my stupid cats just stared at them (at least I knew where to put the sticky traps). No catch and release here though. I put the caught mouse in a paper bag, took it outside and smashed the bag flat with a shovel. What? I was pregnant, ain't no mouse gettin' in my baby's stuff.
Posted by: Darra | May 14, 2010 at 01:29 PM
You know, mice can also climb up on chairs. I mean, they can scale walls, so I'm pretty sure a chair is not going to present a problem. Now's it's just eating proper-like, at a table.
Maybe try putting the cat food in the microwave overnight?
Posted by: Jenni | May 14, 2010 at 01:29 PM
I wish I lived closer, I'd let you borrow our cat for a night. Mouse problem solved, he actually has moved on to bigger and better things. Brought a cardinal to the door the other day, in his mouth, still alive - yikes. He also assisted our dog in a rabbit put down the other day in the yard as well from what the neighbor tells me.
Posted by: ElizabethZ | May 14, 2010 at 01:34 PM
We had mice (plural!!!) one time and I discovered we had them when I noticed something was eating the leftover dog food from our dogs (plural!) food bowls at night. And then I HEARD a mouse scritch-scratching in the wall right next to where my dogs were laying and they didn't even flinch! GEE THANKS DOGS!
Posted by: Michelle | May 14, 2010 at 01:34 PM
uhh.. hheheee hee hahhaaaa snort (in a feminine way, of course). muahahaa!!
Oh, how I heart Max. He's too funny.
Sorry about the mouse sitch. Ew.
Posted by: shawnessy | May 14, 2010 at 01:36 PM
Oh cats! They just always do exactly what THEY want to do, screw their human slaves!
Posted by: Life of a Doctor's Wife | May 14, 2010 at 01:54 PM
The last part of this post made me SCREAM with laughter.
You are a genius, my dear.
I bow to the master. (Mistress?)
Posted by: Bachelor Girl | May 14, 2010 at 02:45 PM
Love the post. Actually laughing at my desk (great, now the coworkers think I'm crazy).
I made the URL link to be one of my blog entries about my cat and her hunting at night. Maybe if you show that to Max, he'll magically get it. (Though I wouldn't tell him that my cat will bring live cockroaches to me. In bed. No need to have Max learning to do THAT.)
Posted by: Katina | May 14, 2010 at 02:54 PM
Maybe the cat's a vegetarian?
Posted by: magpie | May 14, 2010 at 02:56 PM
SMITE THE TIGER DOG!
Posted by: Aaron | May 14, 2010 at 03:57 PM
Domestic cats are useless, it seems, because we've had mice before and my cat just sleeps through their little mice parties, like he's too good to even care anymore. Oh sometimes he'll sit and stare for awhile, but he always goes back to sleeping.
Posted by: C @ Kid Things | May 14, 2010 at 04:14 PM
Min Pins are supposed to be bred to kill vermin but mine is more of a big pussy than the cat is.
Posted by: Sheena | May 14, 2010 at 04:15 PM
Bwahahahahahahaha...you should submit that picture to LOLCats.
I could lend you our small black hellcat who happens to be a great mouser.
Posted by: Kristin | May 14, 2010 at 04:24 PM
I just want to weigh in with the thought that you might appreciate that your cat hasn't caught the mouse. Because when they catch them, they get really proud of themselves. And they want to bring them to you. Sometimes while you are sleeping in bed. And sometimes, the mouse isn't dead yet. Just saying. (Excuse me while I go shower with bleach while reliving that memory that I've tried so hard to repress.)
Posted by: Michelle Smiles | May 14, 2010 at 04:40 PM
Um, well you LIVE with a large cinnamon colored rodent. Don't you expect that to cause some confusion to your cat???? Also, if they cat isn't taught by his mother how to kill a mouse when they are a kitten, they won't know. Your cat looks like a purebreed, so it probably came from a nice indoor home??? (Like mine, feline couch potatoes) So all it would do is play with it, maybe injure it, maybe not. Not the kitty's fault!
Posted by: Jennifer | May 14, 2010 at 04:41 PM
Yeeaaah, indoor cats kind of lose the real killer instinct.
We have a cat who has lived all his life mostly outdoors (he winters in the heated garage) and another cat who spent her kittenhood in the house, and was then rudely shoved into the wild (again, she winters and sleeps at night in the garage).
Cat #1 regularly brings us gifts of mice, chipmunks, and the occasional bird, lets us shower him with attention and admire the kill, and then he takes it off somewhere and eats it.
Cat #2 can't even catch a damn grasshopper. She is useless. Pretty, though, and she can hold her own in a cat-to-cat fight. As a hunter of small prey, though, she stinks.
It's not Max's fault. Being a feline only gets you so far, when you haven't been honing your skills for the past 12 years.
Posted by: Karen | May 14, 2010 at 05:13 PM
Amy, I never post links in comments, but I had to do this here b/c--hello--we have the same cat. Only mine is deaf and I think the mice have a party next to her head while she sleeps. It's pathetic how close she sleeps to her food bowl, and the mice just take the food right from her.
Posted by: Fairly Odd Mother | May 14, 2010 at 05:28 PM
Several years ago, we had mice in our kitchen following a shoddy plumbing repair. We also had a Chihuahua named Speck. We decided that the mice thought he was their leader and bowed to him. Not so much did he help in their demise.
Posted by: Jenny | May 14, 2010 at 05:31 PM
Totally unrelated, but you know that siamese live an incredibly long time, right? Like parrots? Seriously, mine was 21 when she died. I got her when I was 16 and she died last year, when I was 37. Spry is an understatement.
Posted by: Mallory | May 14, 2010 at 07:35 PM
oh please. Your cat is a regular killing machine compared to my little guy. He has actually caught a couple of mice in the past, and gently carried them around in his mouth until he got bored enough to release them Completely unharmed except for a delicate sheen of cat slobber. Good thing he's cute.
Posted by: anonymous librarian | May 14, 2010 at 08:25 PM
I actually WATCHED my cat watch a mouse as it helplessly ran around my bathtub. Talk about useless.
Posted by: Katy | May 14, 2010 at 08:36 PM
I have to second the paper bag trick. Ok, maybe not so much with the shovel smashing thing, but setting up a trap (of any kind) in a paper bag laid on its side means that when the trap gets sprung, you can just pick up the bag without even having to inspect the contents and dispose of the remains as you wish. Not that it didn't completely freak me out anyway, but it was still better than having the damn rodent running around the floor of my apartment. And into my shoes.
Posted by: Elizabeth | May 14, 2010 at 09:24 PM
Bwaaa ha ha - I love Max.
Dawn - I soooo feel you on having to sleep with the closet closed. Because things could totally come out of there while you're asleep. Long-forgotten sweaters with a grudge. Because you KNOW you will wake up, see a sleeve in the semi-dark and FREAK THE HELL OUT about Freddy Kreuger and... yes. I am with you. :os
Amalah, I feel you on the mousing. I have mice. MICE. For the first time ever. They are living under my bathtub, it would seem. And go foraging in the kitchen. IN MY PANTRY. And then scuttle under the washing machine to eat their misbegotten booty. And then SCURRY OUT AT ME when I unwittingly head over to the laundry, all clothes in my arms and whatnot, and suddenly MICE ARE RUNNING OVER MY BARE FEET, HELP ME GAWD. I can't even drop what I'm holding and run away because:
A - they will get *in my clothes*, OMFG and
B - I HAVE BARE FEET AND I WILL STAND ON ONE AND SICKENING CRUNCH NOISE AND
Did I mention they seem to like eating the poision bait? That they licked the peanut butter off the brutal snappy trap things without triggering them? So, all you people who have mentioned them... sticky traps? Please elaborate because I really need to do some washing and stop ordering take-out because I am scared to go into my kitchen. Soon I will be nekkid and so fat I'll have to wash myself with a rag on a stick. I need help, people!
Posted by: Jen | May 14, 2010 at 09:28 PM
OMG, mega comment. I'm sorry, it's the trauma speaking. :os
Posted by: Jen | May 14, 2010 at 09:28 PM
this post made me laugh so hard. my apt. was infested with mice (plural mouse!!) and the cat would just look at me like "do something woman".
Posted by: lisa ann | May 14, 2010 at 09:39 PM
that might be the funniest thing i've read in a long time.
Posted by: Becca | May 14, 2010 at 11:21 PM
Thanks for a hilarious post! Skypeing the cat? Too funny (but totally adorable).
Posted by: Maria | May 15, 2010 at 01:45 AM
You skyped...with your CAT...while on vacation. I LOVE it. Zomg.
Posted by: Amanda | May 15, 2010 at 09:27 AM
Feral cats are much better at killing rodents than domesticated cats that were born and raised indoors. If you know someone with a barn cat, or a well adjusted rescue cat you can borrow for a couple days you'll get better results.
I know your husband was trying to be nice to the mouse that you released, but house mice don't generally fare well in the wild - they're used to being around people and the crumbs and garbarge they produce for food, they don't know how to forage and will most often die (slowly) in the wild. The only time you should catch them alive is if you plan to keep them as pets, give them to someone who wants to keep them, or release them in an enemy's home. (I keep pet mice, so, yanno, I'm a softie. We also have 5, spoiled rotten, rescue cats.)
Posted by: Sils | May 15, 2010 at 03:51 PM
When I lived in Miami, I discovered rats in my kitchen. I went to the cat adoption place and ordered two cats. They did an inspection of house. (Yes. Seriously. Home inspection for cats.)
"Vere vill ze kitties sleep?"
Wherever they damn well please. They're cats.
"Vere vill ze kitties eat?"
Then I mentioned I had rats.
"You cannot haf ze cats if you haf ze rats!"
Lady, I told her. If I have to work for my living, so do my cats.
My current cats are better, at least Laverne is. She is a mighty huntress who has already brought home a mouse and a rabbit.
PS Siamese are supposed to be non-shedders. Ha.
Posted by: The gold digger, aka Class Factotum | May 16, 2010 at 11:15 AM
I think the whole "cats catch mice" thing is a farce. I grew up with 2 cats. One was too fat/adorably stupid to catch anything (when chasing the other cat, he Always slammed into the door at the end of the hall b/c he was too fat to make the turn. Always. EVERY SINGLE TIME.) The other? Waay too much of a princess to deign to catch a mouse. Didn't help that my mother hand named her "Precious."
But they were awfully adorable. Fortunately, much more so than the mice they refused to chase.
Posted by: Domesticated Gal | May 16, 2010 at 12:53 PM
But the face, Amy... the FAAAAAAAAACE! I could never stay angry at that face...
Posted by: Katie Kat | May 16, 2010 at 04:33 PM
Well, for the low, low price of housing our two cats for six weeks this summer you can have our mouser (he and the other cat work as a team). He would kill the shit out of the mouse in one day and then start fanning out around the neighborhood to take care of additional rodents. We wanted to put a dead mouse stencil on the side of the house, you know, like what the pilots did in WWII? Right now, there's a big old (dead) rat on our porch.
To top it off, this cat has NO CLAWS. Perhaps you can tell your cat his story and inspire his lazy ass.
Posted by: Melissa | May 16, 2010 at 06:01 PM
So freaking cute! More kitty please!
Also, this post was hysterical to read. When I saw the title of the entry I made sure to put down my coffee before I started reading. Good idea. :)
Posted by: Mary | May 17, 2010 at 01:04 AM
Perhaps you should rename the cat? Ours is called 'Atilla' and boy does he live up to his name! The only downside is that he insists on bringing home his prey and eat them right in front of the window.
Posted by: From Belgium | May 17, 2010 at 04:17 AM
I had the exact same conversation with my cat last summer. We had mice in the camper van (the cat goes camping with us). Not only could she not be bothered to rid the van of the vermin, but she delighted in showing us how she could indeed catch the mouse if she so desired. But, bleh (imagine said cat spitting caught mouse out of mouth), it was beneath her.
PS. This post was hysterically funny. I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes!
Posted by: Jenny J. | May 17, 2010 at 05:02 AM
Ugh, cats! This morning, my 11 year old herpes-hepatitis-allergies-cancer-diabietic cat decided it had had ENOUGH of all this baby CRAP and decided to enact sweet revenge... by sitting in the babies highchair and peeing. Can't prove it was him, but I certainly didn't pee in it! Sigh... I'd rather have a mouse.
Posted by: ABerglowe | May 17, 2010 at 09:36 AM
Possibly one of your funniest posts ever.......
Posted by: Chris | May 17, 2010 at 10:49 AM
this is mayhaps one of the funniest things i've ever read on here (and that's a huge feat).
it's definitely the funniest thing i've read all month. anywhere!
Posted by: mpotter | May 17, 2010 at 11:01 AM
this made me laugh! my 19 year old cat is mouse-adverse as well -- the MICE steal her food and hide it away (in many places, ick) -- also a mouse has run right past her and she has ignored it to meow at me for her breakfast. can't she do her job???
Posted by: Lori | May 17, 2010 at 02:20 PM
OK, forgive me if someone already mentioned this but I didn't have time to read all the other comments.
Cats have an instinct to chase mice, bugs, birds, etc but will only kill them (playing with them until they die of heart attacks being the exception) if they are hungry. Their hunger is what drives them to kill. So if you want your cat to kill any mice, limit her food availability. If he is well-fed, he may not even give a crap about the mice-ies.
Posted by: Amy | May 18, 2010 at 03:53 PM