It's been a tough week. Power outages, Mamapop outages, booze outages, oh my. And then there's Noah. Noah...well. Noah has not been receiving any real occupational therapy since school ended, and it's showing. It's showing HARD. He's a ball of tics, all of a sudden. A ball of walking, wiggling, finger-chewing, repetitive stimming behaviors. He speaks in scripts, he lives in rituals. He doesn't walk, he runs, while shaking his limbs and making vibrating-like noises with his mouth while every person in the area turns to stare because what the...? Ice cream is too cold, macaroni and cheese is too slimy, using a fork is too hard. He hums and squints and worries about everything. Last night he clapped his hands over his ears when I reached for the faucet because it was all too loud, TOO LOUD. He doesn't look me in the eye, anymore. His eyes stare somewhere off in the distance, right above my head. I repeat requests and questions to him, over and over again, before finally shouting his name to get his attention. He snaps back from outer space and seems surprised that I'm even there. "What?" he asks. At camp, he's not participating as... Read more →

We went to the mall on Sunday, mostly because it was officially Too Damn Hot For Life outside and had run out of other indoor time-killing options. Life lesson time, boys: If you get bored, just go somewhere and buy shit you don't need for awhile. Anyway. The lights flickered once. Twice. We decided to leave, let the power go out and lead to mass looting at Build-a-Bear. We noticed it was raining really hard through the skylights, but by the time we got outside the sun was shining again. The only evidence that a tornado had touched down nearby was...well, there were a lot of leaves all over the ground. Oh. And shit like this: That brownish...thing? That's the underside of a really big tree that just up and fell over. It peeled off a nice layer of the earth's crust and mantle on its way down, and yes I said MANTLE because BOO-YAH GEOLOGY 101. Preparing me for moments like this and not much else. (My drive-by cell-phone photography skillz: YOU LOVE THEM.) Not surprisingly, we lost power as a result of the storm. As did over 300,000 other homes in our area, which I swear is like,... Read more →

(I wrote -- and intended to publish -- this entry on Friday, but Vimeo was taking FOREVER to do whatever technogidgetgabble it does to videos and I kept waiting and waiting and waiting for it and then I got bored and decided to bump this post to today. Which is why I am not bitching about HAVING NO POWER AGAIN, thanks to a fucking TORNADO, like WHAT THE HELL, first a tiny earthquake and now a tornado and I swear to God, there better not be a mildly-inconveniencing volcano next week that like, singes and ruins everybody's hair before BlogHer or something gaaaaah.) A couple months ago, in a burst of GREATEST MOTHER EVER-fueled delusion, I came across this printable craft thing on Disney's website: a 3D paper version of the house from UP. Why would this particular papercraft make me the GREATEST MOTHER EVER? Oh. Oh ho ho ho. Exhibit A: So yeah. Noah kind of loves the house from UP. He adores it. He builds version after version out of Legos and Duplos and one day we came home from camp to find that the babysitter had cut his peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich into the shape of a house, complete... Read more →

Or Joey Chestnut, or whoever else out there would like to challenge my toddler to a cupcake-eating contest. Child has the cheek capacity of several dozen frosting-crazed squirrels. I SWEAR. Read more →

Jason: Here, I got you something. Amy: YAY I LIKE THINGS. Amy: (pulls package from shopping bag) Amy: What the fuck? Jason: (cackles) Amy: Jean diapers. You actually bought a pack of THE JEAN DIAPERS. Jason: You know, for your blog. Amy: (thinks) Amy: I get the sense that this could be one of those moments that Ezra will one day point to and say "THAT. RIGHT THERE. IS WHERE SHIT GOT MESSED UP." Jason: (thinks) Jason: Maybe. Amy: (pulls ridiculous jean-patterned diaper from package) Amy: OMG THEY HAVE A FAKE ZIPPER FLY ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Jason: AND POCKETS. DID YOU SEE THE FAKE POCKETS. Amy & Jason: HA HA HA HA HA. Amy: We're total cloth diaper snobs now, aren't we? Jason: Yep. I'll go get the baby. (For the record, Ezra: While the gimmicky diaper was ALL YOUR FATHER'S IDEA, please note that you cannot blame us for your choice of footwear, as the knock-off Crocs are all you. As in, you dug them out of a box of hand-me-downs, put them on all by yourself, and now scream and tantrum if we ever try to take them off or suggest you wear anything else. Last night... Read more →

1) One day YOU will be the asshole attempting to maneuver this giant-ass thing around the Home Depot aisles: You go ahead and buy a plunger and some new toilet parts -- nobody can see past the bright orange death of your dignity anyway. (Bonus negative 4,000 points for the matching shoes.) 2) This, constantly: 3) Sometimes, yes, you do get moments like this: But they will always, ALWAYS be immediately followed by moments like this: 4) The reason your mother probably said "SOMEBODY IS GOING TO GET HURT!" several dozen times a day is because SOMEBODY IS TOTALLY REALLY GOING TO GET HURT I MEAN IT YOU GUYS STOP THAT. 5) And even, when there is this: It doesn't change the fact that the uncropped version will always, ALWAYS look like this: Read more →

THINGS THAT WOKE ME UP LAST NIGHT: 1) My husband snoring at 12:17 am. 2) A mislabeled calendar reminder making my phone vibrate on the nightstand at 3:00 am instead of pm, which then kept me up another hour because I had to think about OMG THAT THING I HAVE TO DO AT 3:00 PM over and over again. 3) My dog puking at 6:12 am. THINGS THAT DID NOT WAKE ME UP LAST NIGHT: 1) The 3.4 magnitude earthquake at 5:04 am. Was it fun? Read more →

(Clearly having the time of his life here. In fact, I had to BRIBE HIM with a promise of playing a game on my iPhone in exchange for 30 stupid minutes of playing outside. It is a little hot out there today, I'll give him that, but seriously, child. Could you possibly look more miserable?) (I'll take that as a yes.) Read more →

Who needs sleep? Apparently: ALL OF US. Heavens, but we are a sleep-deprived bunch. I have a confession: After I wrote yesterday's entry, I was secretly sort-of sure that last night would be different, and that I'd make it through the night without waking. Because! Of course it would! I WHINED TO THE INTERNET ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. That's usually a one-way ticket to a mea culpa the next day about "oh hey! never mind about that thing after all, all good now." Ha. Yeah. No. Instead, because I'd been soooooooo emphatic and smug-ass confident that falling asleep "wasn't the problem," I was awake and wild-eyed until well after midnight. I woke up at 4:30, fell back asleep around 6:15 or so, only to wake up 15 minutes later because the cat decided it was time for a snuggle. I DID NOT PARTICULARLY AGREE. But seriously, THANK YOU for all your comments and sleep aid ideas. I am definitely going to try several that came up the most (melatonin, tryptophan, anxiety/task lists), possibly see a sleep specialist that local reader Allyson recommended, and I will report back. I know! Sit back down! You're going to sprain something from all this excitement... Read more →

backfromthebeachomgzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Everywhere I go today, I am stepping over laundry baskets and suitcases. I think they are reproducing, like tribbles. We didn't take that many suitcases to the beach in the first place, did we? So why are there so many damn suitcases now? Suitcases. Suitcases! I haven't been sleeping very well. And I think it might be starting to show. Going to sleep is no problem. Not even a little bit. Staying asleep, though, is impossible. I wake up every night around 3 a.m., like clockwork, sometimes even shaking myself awake in the middle of a dream for no discernible reason. And while I used to be able to roll over and go back to sleep, more or less, now my brain clicks on within seconds, all "OH CRAP NOT AGAIN I'M AWAKE QUICK DON'T START THINKING ABOUT THAT THING YOU HAVE TO DO OH DAMN IT ALL TO HELL NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT IT." And then I start involuntarily composing blog entries and columns and emails or maybe just trying to remember if Mel Gibson actually made any movies I'll miss now that he's...well, YOU KNOW. Do I have a topic for Cafemom this week? What about topic... Read more →