The Thing I Didn't Tell You About Because I Don't Like Making You Worry

Miracle Man

I've been waiting all day for more updates -- something more substantial than what I have pieced together right now -- so I could post something...well, MORE. But there's no nice narrative today.

The first text message I received from my mother after day two of chemo was a good one. No bad reactions. One more day of treatment and then three weeks off. He's amazing. He's a Miracle Man.

I put the phone down and walked away from it. When it rang during dinner I didn't even get up to check the caller ID. Shut up, telemarketers, we're all having a nice time over here.

Of course, it was my mom. The bad reaction just came later this time. Fever, shakes, a trip to the ER and another infection. Looks like pneumonia again. White blood cells and platelets have cratered. Chemo was canceled for today. Instead, a blood transfusion, perhaps. He's on a floor that's not quite the ICU and not quite the general garden-variety sick-level population. Maybe he'll go home tomorrow, or the next day.

And I don't know anything more than that. I don't think this is nearly as serious of a reaction as last time, but I don't know if it will meet his hypothetical bar of "bad enough to call it quits on chemo" that he set for himself. I don't know what I think he should do anymore. I don't know how I feel about any of it anymore, except for an oppressive and weary numbness. I don't know how many times I'll tell this same story without ever typing "The End." 

I don't want that, but nobody wants this, either. Fuck you, cancer, for taking away every good option. 



I'm so, so sorry. Cancer takes away all options and it sucks.


I heartily second the Fuck You, Cancer!

Still holding you all in my heart. Wishing the ups & downs of life would space themselves out a little for you.

the bee

I wish I had the words to offer any comfort at all. Sometimes like now, I'm so sorry is just not enough. I will say a prayer for you and your Superman dad.
Sounds like he is made of stern stuff as my mom would say.


Oh Amy, I'm so sorry. I wish the best to you and your family.


I'm so sorry, for all of you. I hope he feels better (you know, in the short term) soon.


I ... well, it's lame to say "hugs," but that's what I want to give you. Hugs. I just want to sit and rub your head and tell you it's going to be okay, like I'd want to do if you were my daughter.

Much love to you, Amy, as always.


Dislike wholeheartedly!!!! Hugs...


Oh dear. I am hoping for the best for all of you.


Yes, Fuck cancer.
Hugs to you and your whole family.


Cancer is a fucking douchebag and it should go away for ever. (((Amalah & family)))


I'm so sorry. It really, really sucks.


I'm so sorry. Cancer fucking sucks, man. *hugs*


Oh no. Thank you for keeping us in the loop, anyway.

Becky (Princess Mikkimoto)

Ugh! I'm so sorry. I'm sending positive thoughts of peace - for you all.


Not. Goddamn. Fair. Sigh. The internets love you and we'd damn sure fix it if we could.


Fuck you, cancer, indeed. I am so sorry for all of this. Massive love to you and your family!


I'm so sorry!


My dad died of lung cancer in January. There is nothing I can say is that this sucks, I know how much this sucks, and I'm so sorry that anyone has to go through it.

Fuck cancer.


Fuck you, cancer, for taking away every good option.

Truer words have never been typed.


Dear Amalah's Beloved Dad,

Thank you SO much for helping to create and raise such a beautiful, kind-hearted, bright, funny daughter who so many of us enjoy and are blessed to "know." Thank you for the legacy you've left in her, Noah, Ezra, and the precious bean cooking inside her. Without you and your love and guidance, her wonderful thoughts wouldn't grace this interweb and enrich our lives.

Thank you, and God Bless.


Im so sorry. I hope that he feels better very soon. I will put him on my prayer list. It takes a strong person just to fight this crap!


I'm so sorry Amy. I will pray for you and your parents. My heart goes out to your family.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

Thinking of you.


Unfortunately I know this story way too well, with both of my parents. However, he's fighting for you, for Noah, for Ezra, for the tiny baby...even if no one understands it but him, he feels as if he has to fight. Let him do it, just be prepared that the fight may be his ultimate downfall. But everytime you look into the eyes of your children, you will see some part of your dad looking out. It will make you smile and warm your heart when you feel nothing else will.




this sucks a whole lot. #fuckcancer.


Oh Amy...I am so sorry. So very sorry you have to go through this. I've been there, I know; I'm sure many others reading this column have been through this as well. All we can do is offer you online support.
{{{{gentle hugs}}}}


absolutely! fuck you cancer!
i'm so sorry you are going through this, we are coping with a similar world over here and it is so hard. so, more hugs from a stranger to you.


Fuck ANYTHING that takes somebody's dad away! Or makes anybody this miserable. I'm so sorry!

Shauna (Fido & Wino)

Fuck cancer. Hugs to you and your family.


Fuck cancer. HUGS


Oh Amy, my heart absolutely breaks for you. Know that you and your family are in all of our thoughts and prayers. I wish nobody had to go through this. :(


Thoughts and prayers your way, Amy. Your dad has a lot of people on the Internet and in his/your real life pulling for him and thinking positive thoughts... and I have to believe that counts for something, right?

Sprite's Keeper

I'm praying for your dad to rebound from this setback and praying for you all to find more strength to keep fighting.


Eff Cancer. I am fresh off cancer hell myself. My mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer with a poor prognosis some time back. We went through all the same stuff, we had the difficult talk about whether to do chemo or enjoy the time that was left. She wanted to fight and though it is hard to endure, there's something great about knowing your parent wants to fight no matter the possible outcome. I wish you strength on your journey.


i wish someone would just take cancer and kick it in the balls.

Cancer just took away my husbands grandpa the day we left to get married, so this hits super close to home right now.


Fuck you cancer is right on.

Maxine Dangerous

Sending you light and love. <3


To be the annoying "glass half full" person, I'm happy that this reaction was much less severe! Even in my optimistic state of mind however, Fuck Cancer.


Amy, you always manage to articulate so well what I've been feeling, going through a similar struggle. (Yes, even when that articulation is 'fuck you, cancer', because it's true, it leaves you with worse and worse options!)

kari weber

I also say a big FUCK you to cancer... it cost my husband his dad at an age that no boy should be without a father...

I would also like to say that you rule... I would never be able to find the right words like you do.

Thank you for all you share with us.


I feel for you Amy. Chemo is a bastard even if you are otherwise healthy. I had a stroke at the end of my second cycle of chemo for my breast cancer and I was only 44 and as fit as the proverbial fiddle - well apart from the cancer of course! No more chemo for me. That was nearly 14 years ago. I hope your Dad can work out some way of gaining some quality in the time he has left rather than spending it in a hospital bed. It's a bloody hard choice to make though.



I'm glad the reaction doesn't seem to be AS bad, at least. Pretty poor consolation right now, I know.

Sending more warm thoughts to you and yours. And cupcakes and wine and chocolate. At least, thoughts of them anyway.


You and your family are in my prayers.

Plano Mom

I'm going through some despair and hopelessness right now too. Just my marriage getting pretty shaky, nothing anything serious as cancer, (thanks for putting in perspective) but just this morning I read something that reminded me to stay hopeful. And even though I still feel hopeless, there's this little tiny voice inside that says "fuckhead, give hope a chance."

So, this will probably piss you off more than help, but listen for that little tiny voice. And I'm praying you've got it.


I agree. Fuck cancer. This shit is so unfair.

Jill in Vermont

How I understand the last few lines of this post...

My 25 year old son died of brain cancer this past March. When all his options were gone I felt the same way, prayed he would go peacefully and quickly but still felt guilty when he went.


Fuck cancer.

Thinking of you guys!

Amy in StL

I've started seeing a therapist because my parents are in their 80s and I feel like I'm parenting them! (How is it possible for dad to not think to take a tylenol PM before bed and wonder why he was up all night when he took (regular) tylenol?)

So here's some assvice - you're not their parents. You are their daughter and I totally get where you're coming from; but just like I have to remember that they make their own decisions and I have to quit hand wringing - just let it be. You love them - desperately, if you're like me. Hang in there, drink some wine and just be their concerned, do-anything-you-ask daughter.

It's hard.

It's made extra hard because cancer is a prick that should just die a stupid death.

Fuck Cancer.


Delurking after, what 6 years of faithful readership? to say I am so sorry, Amy. The universe can hand you a gift whilst holding the bat behind its back all the while. I am thinking of you, your babies, your fam, and your Dad and sending all the white light I can muster.


I don't think anyone knows how to feel in situations like this. Maybe you don't have to know how to feel. Maybe you need to give yourself permission just let yourself feel whatever you feel, without trying to sort it out into some sort of reasonable reaction that makes sense. Because having to watch the people we love suffer never makes sense.

Wishing your whole family better days.


I don't comment here, but I have been reading for about 3 years, but am doing so to say this, take this time with your dad and use it as a gift. Let it be the time when you talk and talk and talk and get stories to tell your kids about when grandpa was a boy. If your dad is up to it, get him to maybe write some stories for them. I lost my mom rather suddenly and only realized after the fact that I knew for too little about far too much of her life before there was me. Praying for all of you.



I'm sorry, Amy.


I watched a moving PBS special last night about cancer, treatments, and when it is time to back off the treatments. It followed several patients through the process of being diagnosed, chemo, etc. I thought of you and thought you might be interested in watching it sometime. It was called "The Truth About Cancer".

Parsing Nonsense

You're absolutely right, this sucks in every way. Hang in there lady, this too shall pass.


"I don't want that, but nobody wants this, either. Fuck you, cancer, for taking away every good option."

I agree 100%.


Many, many (((hugs))).

Also, fuck you cancer.


watching the phillies. thinking of you and your dad. this must be so hard.


Amy - you are sooo in it right now - we all wish there was something we could do - all I can say is try to look ahead, think about what you might do, then look back to the present, and do it.
So much love for you and your family...


I'm thinking of you and your family.


sigh.....i wasn't going to comment bc I've commented on this matter before and after so many comments what do I have new to add to the conversation? Then I realized it's Friday and no updates. Perhaps you're on the road up to your parents house or already there. I remembered that your parents like to keep up with your post and comments as well. (therefore I'm consciously trying to use the correct 'your, you're', and this may be in vain bc I think I misspelled 'consciously').

I'm praying for you guys. Praying for peace and praying for comfort. Praying.....


FU Cancer!!! I completely, absolutely, whole heartedly agree!!! Your blog helps me feel not so alone. My mom is bravely battling mestastasized breast cancer. I have one young (just over a year old son) and another bitty baby due in early June. Our lives are so paralleled right now, it helps to see how someone else does/doesn't cope with the same fantastic crap (and blessings) that life throws at us. Praying for your father and my mother that our warriors can defeat this unrelenting enemy quickly and with as little pain as possible! I'd take the cancer out back into the alley and kick the ever living shit out of it if I could!

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