A Pregnant Woman's Ultimate Dream TV Wish List
January 06, 2011
Or, A List of TV Shows That Don't Actually Exist Yet, But Totally Should
Or Or, Why I Should Be In Charge of a Television Network Already
Or Or Or, Why I Should Probably Never Be In Charge of a Television Network
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MAN V. (PREGNANT LADY) FOOD
In which Adam Richman is challenged to explore and partake of some the craziest, weirdest pregnancy cravings from across the country. Forget pickles and chocolate ice cream, we're talking the seriously gross stuff you eat right out of the fridge when no one's home, like bologna-wrapped summer sausage or black olives dipped in pudding. Got a secret desire for a Wendy's Frosty using barbecue Pringles instead of a spoon? The ever-adorable Adam won't judge, he'll join in and declare it delicious. And in fact, you look so good and pretty and maternal right now, why don't you go ahead and order another one, super-sized this time?
A BABY STORY SUPERCUT
Takes entire seasons' worth of A Baby Story and Maternity Ward and edits them down to just the good parts -- a near non-stop montage of the second after the baby is born, AKA the part right after the gross bits that always makes you cry. Perfect for when you NEED that good hormonomotional release of an all-day Baby Story marathon but don't have the time, or if your significant other has banned all viewing of childbirth-related TV shows because seriously, they're just freaking everybody out at this point, okay?
FOOD NETWORK THIS IS YOUR LIFE CHALLENGE
Five professional cake decorators are brought in to compete for cash and glory while creating mammoth, gravity-defying cakes...AND while being reunited with long-lost childhood friends, idols and maybe even a birth parent or two (you know, for sweeps). The sap is as thick as the fondant and the tears fall as fast as a structurally unsound sugar showpiece, so it's highly recommended you keep a dozen emergency cupcakes on hand to sustain you through it.
Joining the stellar line-up of HBO, HBO2 and HBO Family, Comedy, Signature, Latino, and Zone, comes HBO WORMHOLE, which through the power of science and subatomic physics, has managed to rip a hole in the space-time continuum in order to reduce the wait in between seasons of your favorite shows. It also allows your television to operate in an alternate reality universe where none of your favorite shows have been cancelled, regardless of their original network. Fresh episodes of True Blood, Mad Men and The Walking Dead are available every week without fail, as are Arrested Development and Pushing Daisies.
(Upgrade to the optional multidimensional remote and use the rewind button to erase unfortunate episodes and even entire seasons from existence, like the Seinfeld finale or the post-Palladino-era Gilmore Girls, and start over fresh with episodes based on all that awesome fan-fiction you wrote back in college.)
STEEL MAGNOLIAS: THE ANIMATED SERIES
Self-explanatory. I'm kind of irritated that this hasn't actually happened. It's perfect! Because it's animated you can bring back all the original actresses from the movie but still have them play younger versions of themselves, from before Shelby dies. And then Shelby can die all over again, even though you thought she CAAA-AAA-AAAAN'T! And maybe some other people die that the ladies care deeply about but still soldier on bravely without, never missing a hair appointment or nothin', because that's just how it's done in Chinquapin Parish. The series can also finally definitive address the fuzzy math of Annelle getting married on Halloween, but having a baby by Easter, mm-hmm, you think I didn't notice that, Miss Churchy Church Annelle? You watch something 783 times and you start catching stuff like that. And coming up with ideas like, say, Steel Magnolias: The Animated Series.
Drink yer juice, Shelby.
Posted by: Jenn | January 06, 2011 at 09:13 AM
heh. If you could work a space for Dog The Bounty Hunter & LA Ink in there, that pretty much sums up my take on pregnancy & post-pregnancy TV. Trouble is, my most reliable channel for trashy tv has just gone off the air, and I'm now struggling to fill my schedule.
Posted by: Lorraine | January 06, 2011 at 09:15 AM
OMGoodness! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you mention "Pushing Daisies!" I thought I was the only person who loved that show. (I was secretly pulling for Olive and the Pie Man, though)
I have ALSO done that pregnancy math for Steel Magnolias, too, but really thought it was more than a year later because Jack Jr was 3 at the Egg hunt but only 15 months in October.
Isn't "pregnant brain" so much fun!
Posted by: martha | January 06, 2011 at 09:15 AM
Now THAT'S a baby story I could watch. That show made me insane for years. Now it's only house hunters. They should combine househunters with pregnant people or people getting remarried and combining families, a la brady bunch. That would be a hoot.
Posted by: The Domestic Goddess | January 06, 2011 at 09:15 AM
"Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion!" Ahh, I love Steel Magnolias.
Posted by: kim | January 06, 2011 at 09:24 AM
I wish there was an all Dolly Parton channel, frankly. Or at least, a reality show that follows her around.
Posted by: Mermil | January 06, 2011 at 09:37 AM
OMG - I've always "wondered" about that whole timing thing with Annelle's pregnancy!
First, it seemed odd that she'd choose a Halloween wedding, being all churchy, and then when baby comes at Easter it's like "ohhhh, no time for a long engagement, huh?"
Posted by: Whozat | January 06, 2011 at 09:47 AM
Oh, I like the first one the best, even more than continuous episodes of Mad Men, and that is saying something.
Posted by: SarahB | January 06, 2011 at 09:58 AM
Oh, Amy, you know I love you more than my luggage!
I had to delete "A Baby Story" from my DVR queue for awhile. I was getting so tired of the couples saying things like, "Oh, we got pregnant the month we started trying!" or, "We wanted the baby to have a birthday in June, so we decided to try in October and now we're pregnant!"
I mean, really. Rub it in, TLC!
But, now that I'm pregnant, maybe I can start watching it again without wanting to throw things at the TV.
Posted by: Kailee | January 06, 2011 at 10:11 AM
I LOVE the idea of HBO Wormhole and I truly love the way your pregnant brain works.
Posted by: Kristin | January 06, 2011 at 10:11 AM
This is why I love you more than my luggage.
Posted by: Kate | January 06, 2011 at 10:19 AM
These are very funny, but I actually think the first one is an awesome, pitchable idea! I heart Adam Richman and I would totally watch that show. Is it because I'm pregnant?
Posted by: Kate | January 06, 2011 at 10:36 AM
Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair...and, thanks to the HBO wormhole network, that personal tragedy can be totally averted; welcome back, Battlestar Galactica!
Posted by: Chelle | January 06, 2011 at 10:45 AM
This is an awesome list!
Doritos & Guacamole. Take THAT, Mr. Richman.
I don't know, it didn't seem so whack-a-doo to me, but it really grossed my husband out.
Posted by: Kara | January 06, 2011 at 11:32 AM
There should just be a pregnancy and mom related network - MOM. There. You can be program director and I'll produce some of the talk shows. Someone's got to give Oprah (OWN) a run for her money.
Posted by: MommiePie | January 06, 2011 at 11:32 AM
I will sign up for HBO Wormhole! Can I get the 2nd season of My So Called Life and some more Deadwood on that channel, please?
Posted by: bad penguin | January 06, 2011 at 11:37 AM
Yes to the HBO wormhole and a Dolly Parton channel or reality show. She gets better all the time.
Posted by: Olivia | January 06, 2011 at 11:51 AM
A world where Pushing Daisies and Arrested Development still exists? HEAVENS. Clutchin' my pearls on that one.
Posted by: Kristen | January 06, 2011 at 12:23 PM
I would get pregnant again if I thought I could then be on Man vs. Food with that adorable Adam Richman (and incidentally, thanks for letting me know it isn't just me that thinks he's cute). Wonder what he'd think about raw hot dogs slathered in Cheez Whiz? (and this from someone who doesn't normally eat processed food.)
Posted by: Hannah | January 06, 2011 at 12:46 PM
I was incredibly addicted to HGTV.. so how about an HGTV show where they redesign office/guest rooms to incredibly adorable nurseries!
Posted by: andrea | January 06, 2011 at 12:46 PM
How about "A Baby Story: Baby Animals Edition"?
A non-stop marathon of tiny puppies and kittens making little squeaks, foals and calves struggling to stand up for the first time right after birth, fluffy chicks hatching, and maybe some kangaroo joeys poking their heads out of pouches just for fun.
Posted by: Parsing Nonsense | January 06, 2011 at 01:20 PM
Can Comcast publish the rollout dates for the xifinity tv to other markets? I'm pretty tired of the same old comcast dvr system from 10 years ago. It looks like motorola has some nice new dvrs. Will xfinity have new software interface?
Posted by: Traduceri legalizate | January 06, 2011 at 01:37 PM
"Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair. "
Posted by: Sarahviz | January 06, 2011 at 02:20 PM
Do you have room in your programming for a Don Knotts movie marathon? You could play them all night and call it "Don till Dawn". Please sign me up for wormhole t.v. I'm having Dexter withdrawls in a major way.
Posted by: Rebecca | January 06, 2011 at 02:25 PM
Ugh! Adam Richman is gross! Jason Bateman, on the other hand, is very yummy.
Posted by: Leigh Ann | January 06, 2011 at 03:06 PM
Can your magical HBO bring back something as old as The Wonder Years? I miss it oh so much!
Posted by: Raegan | January 06, 2011 at 03:34 PM
I've always wanted a device that will let you watch any show ever created instantly. Without commercials.
Can you add that to your list please? I mean if you ever become queen and can somehow make this all happen.
Posted by: Issa | January 06, 2011 at 03:50 PM
You are a genius, Amy!
I would like to put in my vote for HBO Wormhole to have "Firefly".
Posted by: helenel | January 06, 2011 at 03:51 PM
Warmhole on DEMAND!
When is walking dead back, how i miss thee...
Posted by: Yezelbelle | January 06, 2011 at 04:35 PM
You forgot to mention how she has a wedding at halloween, shelby collapes on halloween, her mom stays by her side and never changes clothes or washes her hair and at Shelby's funeral, Annelle is already in spring maternaty clothes. Did Melynn not change clothes for four months? or did Anelle go from flat stomache to second trimester in a week?
Also jack is a toddler in a swing at the funeral when annelle is showing but a preschooler when annelle goes into labor at the easter picnic?
Okay I've watched it a whole lot as well...and I'm not pregnant.
Posted by: bookgirl | January 06, 2011 at 04:47 PM
BBQ Pringles and Frosty sound pretty good...and I'm not pregnant. Don't know what that says about me or my eating habits...but it probably isn't a good sign.
I would watch every single one of these. Amy, could you please take over running the networks now? I'm so flipping sick of the commercials for 2.5 men I can't see straight. Thanks!
Posted by: Sherri | January 06, 2011 at 06:41 PM
i LOVE this and especially LOVe all the comments especially the steel magnolia quotes. :-)
Posted by: erin | January 06, 2011 at 07:48 PM
Reagan, I found The Wonder Years reruns right before Christmas! Some random channel called The Hub shows TYR, Doogie Howser MD, and strangely, Happy Days. Oh, Kevin and Wayne, how I missed you!
Posted by: Tif | January 07, 2011 at 11:46 AM
My husband (like helenel above) would like to cast his vote for Firefly on the Wormhole channel. Me, I'd be happy with a never-ending, Sorkin-penned West Wing. Hilarious.
Posted by: Amy | January 07, 2011 at 04:10 PM
You had me at Wendy's Frosty. I dip my french fries in them. Also? Cheetos (not puffed) and bananas. Yum. (And I'm not pregnant.)
Posted by: Sherry | January 07, 2011 at 04:24 PM
As someone who, at 21 weeks, was just sentenced to bed rest, YES. All of that. Except maybe the Steel Magnolias because somehow I've made it 30 years without ever seeing the movie.
Posted by: Liz | January 09, 2011 at 12:29 AM