Things That Go Bunk In The Night
Just In Case There Was Any Doubt

Mommy, Read Me A Story About Death & Destruction

We're headed back to Pennsylvania AGAIN this weekend, travel exhaustion and desperate homebody desires to sit on the couch be damned.

Grandma's memorial service in on Sunday. We're taking the boys, since it's really not a "funeral" -- no viewing or casket or urn, just a family-and-friends gathering at her nursing home. My mother-in-law thinks their presence will be a welcome distraction for everybody, especially Grandma's remaining friends, who do always adore visiting grandchildren, no matter who they "belong" to.

(Of course, my mother-in-law also thought it was totally appropriate to take the boys to visit Grandma last week, when we were in New York, and she was officially on her deathbed -- a decision that, after Jason saw Grandma on Saturday, he was little upset about. Yes, it's a natural part of life and all but HE was so rattled and shaken by how sick and already dead she looked, and would have preferred our two- and five-year-old children being spared that particular sight. Or at the very least, being consulted ahead of time would have been nice.)

(Free babysitting! No such thing. There's always a price tag. Like say, your babysitters jumping the gun on the whole death discussion with your preschooler, and coming at it from a completely different point of view and religious philosophy than your own. Fantastic.) 

The kids know PopPop is sick. They know he's been sick for a long time now, and goes to the hospital a lot, but haven't really asked any questions about, say, whether he'll get better. Or what will happen if he doesn't.

And no, I haven't yet offered any answers to unasked questions. Because I am a big fat chicken.

Noah knows all the words related to death, like "dead" and "killed" and "BLASTED TO DEATH WITH MY LASER GUN PEW PEW PEW," but the concept exists only in the movie-and-video-game sense. Not real. Animated. Disney-Pixar montage-y. With plenty of respawn points when your health gets too low. 

Obviously, with this weekend looming ahead, it's time for us to sack up and have a talk with Noah. I don't think Great-Grandma's death will be a particularly affecting one for him (her dementia has been pretty profound for most of his life), but I know he needs a heads up about the hows and whys of the service and the sight of grieving adults.

So last night, we went to the bookstore. 

Books1

When Dinosaurs Die was recommended in the comments section 'round these parts at least a dozen times, after various entries about my dad's illness, and I swear I attempted to order it through Amazon at least two dozen times. But then I broke down and canceled the transaction at the last second, because I just wasn't ready for it myself

This time I was able to convince my brain that I was buying it because of Great-Grandma and only Great-Grandma. I know. I probably should have walked over to the Grown-Up Book Section for a Grown-Up Book About Grown-Up Coping Skills, but...eh. I have a Kindle. I'll look for something to download on there. Tomorrow. Next week. 

Anyway, SHOCKER OF SHOCKS, you guys were right. This was by far the best option on the shelf. It covers everything, but is laid out in a way that allows a parent of a younger child to decide just how much to read per page. I don't plan to read every word to Noah at five, but I probably would to Noah at say, eight or nine. Definitely one with a nice shelf life, so to speak. IF YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE. BOTH WITH "SHELF" and "LIFE" HA HA HA BOOK PUNS AND DEATH JOKES ARE UNCOMFORTABLE okay I'm done now.

(The afterlife discussion, if you're in the market for a book like this yourself [I'm sorry] and consider that a big wild card in the decision-making, is presented as: "No one knows for sure, but there are a lot of different ideas, and it's normal to have lots of questions." And then it encourages those questions to be directed at you, the parent, or a religious leader. Exactly the tone I personally was looking for.)

Books2

I picked up Lifetimes, too, just because I liked it. It's not as detailed as the dinosaur book, but is really limited to just explaining the fact that everything has a beginning and an end, and the middle part is living. It's very nature-focused (trees live hundreds of years, butterflies live only a few weeks) before it extends the concept to humans and our lifetimes, but certainly not hippy-new-age or anything. There's absolutely no discussion of the afterlife or even what happens to your body once you die, but it's a nice, matter-of-fact way to explain that death is simply part of how things are. 

Plus, a lot of the books about death were just painfully LONG. Thirty-plus pages. A hundred-plus words per page. This one is more your traditional picture-storybook length. Judge my kids' attention spans and my bedtime-story patience level all you want, but GAAAAAAHHHHH GET ON WITH IT, SUESS, IT'S 8 PM AND MAH SHOWS ARE ABOUT TO START, LET'S GET THESE MONKEYS TO BED ALREADY.

Ahem.

It was around this point that I picked up another book -- I don't remember the title, but it seemed like a kind of abstract take on the afterlife, describing heaven without being overtly religious, or even explicitly calling it heaven. I thought it might be a good option to have on hand if Noah brought up some of the stuff my in-laws talked to him about last week, but by the time I got to the fifth page I suddenly realized I was reading a book designed to help sick children come to terms with their OWN DEATH.

*strangled gurgled crying sound*

So! I decided it was officially Time To Back The Hell Away From The "Growing Up/Tough Issues" Shelf, Oh My God. 

Noah and Ezra were playing with trains, but I convinced them to join me on a bench and let me read them a story. 

I did not read either of the books I'd just picked out. I read this one instead:

Books3

We read it again last night before bed, and we laughed and laughed and laughed, because oh, that Pigeon. Will he EVER learn?

Tonight, we'll read one of the other books. Or maybe both. 

And then probably the Pigeon one again. 

Comments

chloe

we have the pigeon book too! my son thinks it's hysterical and yells NO! after every line. so cute.

Katy

Love Pigeon/bus. Another good one is "The Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog"

Oh, that pigeon. He's a funny guy....

daysgoby

I read a lovely, lovely story about death to my son the other day (they just lost another grandmother, the second within a year BLEURGH) and it may be too old for the boys but is really nice for older kids and adults called Everything That Shines, http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Everything-That-Shines/David-Weale/e/9780969860686

The kids have decided that when they see things that shine in the sun, it's Papa (their grandfather, gone a year and a half ago and WAAH we're surrounded by death) winking at them.

Check it out. It's a lovely, gracious, sweet book that I've been sending to adults going through the same thing.

Marianne

I'm so sorry your little guys had to experience this at all. We had several deaths in the family last year (my husband's grandma, my aunt, and my great uncle). My son, who just turned 3 in January saw all of these people before they died. I feel like such a jerk that I didn't think how seeing horribly ill people would affect him. I think when he saw his great-grandma, he was so young, it didn't really have an impact... but the other two? Well, he was scared.

And the pigeon book? My dad's retirement job is driving a school bus for a preschool. He got that book for my son. It's such a cute story.

ChelsieR

My son just turned two and is ridiculously perceptive for his age. We were watching A Christmas Carol a few nights ago (WHOOPS, good job parenting there!) and it came to the part where Scrooge saw himself laying apparently dead under a sheet. My son looked up at me and said, "Mommy, he's dead." Just like that.

I didn't even know he had a concept of death. To be honest, I didn't want him to have one yet. He's still too little, I thought. Turns out I was wrong, and I'm not sure I know how to deal with that right now.

All I can take comfort in is the fact that children are incredibly resilient, and I know that Noah and Ezra will be okay with this weekend, no matter how you guys handle it. But it seems like you're doing a pretty damn good job.

Christina

We bought the Lifetimes book for our five year old (who will be six soon) when my husband's mother passed away a couple of years ago suddenly from breast cancer. I was glad it was not very detailed. Obviously he was younger then he is now but the best thing was not the book letting him ask questions and trying to answer them as honestly as possible. He still talks about her to this day and asks questions and I feel like that is good. I would rather having him talk about it then nothing at all, you know!?

Sarah Lena

We have every pigeon book out there. The pigeon is the best thing in the world. Of course, my husband believes it's because of my "pigeon voice".

Which, it totally is, because I'm awesome.

JB

I think *I* need to read the "Lifetimes" book. Erm...yeah. It seems like a more calm and rational way to explain things, you know.

My condolences on your family's loss.

jennifer

For grown ups, I suggest Forrest Church's amazing book, Love and Death: My Journey Through the Valley of Shadows.

He was a Unitarian minister.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Death-Journey-through-Valley/dp/0807072974/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1296840273&sr=8-1

Stephanie

When you're ready to hit the adult book section, the only book that didn't make me all stabby was Brian Fies' "Mom's Cancer." I HATE self-help books in general, and can't stand anything too religious, touchy-feely or mawkishly sentimental. But his comic-strip like book was so much like my own experience, it made me feel less alone. But on the mawkishly sentimental subject, I'll share a word of warning... it's been three years since I lost my mom, and walking past a display of Mother's Day cards still turns me into s HUGE SOBBING MESS. Figure out alternate routes through the drugstore and Target in advance. :)

Jennifer B

Thanks for this post. The kitty recently died at our house and now, according to my two year old, Mommy died and Daddy died, etc.

A great grandparent is declining rapidly, so I think I'll go ahead an order the dinosaur book to have ready when the time comes.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

I'm so sorry you all are going through this - that you need to look at these books at all. I hope this weekend and the memorial service go as well as possible. Thinking of you.

Karen

My oldest is fairly savvy about death (he's 10), because we have a picture of him as a baby with my brother, and when he was younger he starteda asking about Uncle John--say, why doesn't Uncle John ever visit anymore?--and we explained that he had gotten very sick, and he didn't get to the hospital in time, and he died. (I'm omitting our religious viewpoints so I don't offend anybody here.)

My younger two were fairly out of it, even when my grandmother died, because while they'd seen her when she was in the hospital, they were two and four, and weren't too bothered.

Then. THEN. A year ago, we went to a branch library we hadn't been to in a while. My kids remembered that there was a pet guinea pig there, named Ginger, and they loved visiting her. They ran over to the children's section while I settled some overdue fines (shut up) at the circulation desk.

When I went over to where they were, I saw this big sign on an EMPTY CAGE: "In Memoriam: RIP, Ginger, our beloved library pet." OMG. I had to friggin' explain, right then and there, where Ginger was (or wasn't) and why.

Our current library, which is located on a military base, handles it differently. When the library hamster died, they got two new gerbils, and put a nice little sign up that explained that Ratatouille, the previous resident, had gotten orders to move to the Air Force base in Japan. These gerbils had come from another base. At first I actually believed it, and then I had a little conversation with the children's librarian. She said that they didn't think it was THEIR place to introduce concepts of death to little kids, that the parents could decide if they wanted to talk about that. Kind of like Santa Claus. Since military kids understand the whole "receiving orders" thing, they decided to just say, well, Ratatouille has gone to another base. A better one. Ha. I loved it.

Heather/Cobblestone

Mo Williams' Birds on My Head or something is AWESOME. Jason can read Elephant and you can read Pig and the boys can be the baby birds and OH MY WHAT FUN YOU'LL HAVE!!!

*m*

What a hard thing to deal with. I for one would much rather read the Pigeon books.

That said: I highly recommend "Badger's Parting Gifts" by Susan Varley -- a simple, beautiful picture book about Badger's friends remembering all the good things about him.

Miss Grace

It's hard to deal with that stuff. My grandfather was dying while I was in Chicago for blogher in 2009, and Gabriel was sort of flitting about being watched by my brother and mother and his dad a little and he was there to see my grandfather go from pretty alright to morphine haze to dead.
I don't know how I feel about it really. I mean, it's a part of life, and I'm glad my grandfather got to die at home, and....I dunno. It was hard. I'm glad we were all there at the end but it was hard.

Stephanie

I don't think I can deal with these books. But I'll have to check out the Pigeon books. :)

Sorry you have to have these books at all...

Caitlyn

we have the pigeon wanting a puppy, though it's a bit tainted because the woman who gave it to me at my baby shower tried really hard to bully me into stopping to read it out loud to everyone. Which I wouldn't have minded but I had been opening gifts for 45 minutes straight and there were still tons to go. (I ended up spending an hour and a half opening gifts. This is what happens when you and your husband both grew up in the same synagogue and so you have to invite EVERYONE to everything.)

Caitlyn

we have the pigeon wanting a puppy, though it's a bit tainted because the woman who gave it to me at my baby shower tried really hard to bully me into stopping to read it out loud to everyone. Which I wouldn't have minded but I had been opening gifts for 45 minutes straight and there were still tons to go. (I ended up spending an hour and a half opening gifts. This is what happens when you and your husband both grew up in the same synagogue and so you have to invite EVERYONE to everything.)

Monica

Thanks for this post...I had been thinking of sending an email to the smackdown about how to broach the topic of death with little ones. My father passed away a month before my first child turned 1. I had just learned I was pregnant w/#2 four days before. I am still so sad that my daughter won't remember him and my son never met him. I'm pregnant again now which has made my 3yo ask a TON of questions about who carried who in their belly. Then she realized she didn't know who my dad was, and thus began the issue of that he was dead and what that means... I did the whole, hey 'let's have a snack!' thing when I realized I was not prepared to explain death in a way that wouldn't scar her. So thanks for this post and for the advice of your other readers in knowing just the right book to broach this subject.

Monica

Thanks for this post...I had been thinking of sending an email to the smackdown about how to broach the topic of death with little ones. My father passed away a month before my first child turned 1. I had just learned I was pregnant w/#2 four days before. I am still so sad that my daughter won't remember him and my son never met him. I'm pregnant again now which has made my 3yo ask a TON of questions about who carried who in their belly. Then she realized she didn't know who my dad was, and thus began the issue of that he was dead and what that means... I did the whole, hey 'let's have a snack!' thing when I realized I was not prepared to explain death in a way that wouldn't scar her. So thanks for this post and for the advice of your other readers in knowing just the right book to broach this subject.

Monica

Thanks for this post...I had been thinking of sending an email to the smackdown about how to broach the topic of death with little ones. My father passed away a month before my first child turned 1. I had just learned I was pregnant w/#2 four days before. I am still so sad that my daughter won't remember him and my son never met him. I'm pregnant again now which has made my 3yo ask a TON of questions about who carried who in their belly. Then she realized she didn't know who my dad was, and thus began the issue of that he was dead and what that means... I did the whole, hey 'let's have a snack!' thing when I realized I was not prepared to explain death in a way that wouldn't scar her. So thanks for this post and for the advice of your other readers in knowing just the right book to broach this subject.

cursingmama

Always follow with the Pigeon book - no sense going to bed with something heavy like death weighing on your mind. It's why I've got trashy novels & US Weekly ;)

Jana

Sending you love and hugs.

Megan

My kids know about death from dogs in the neighborhood dying. But once my daughter said, "But people don't die." I said well, yes, people do die. She started yelling "NO NO NO" and it was bedtime and I was tired so I was like "Okay people don't die." I know I shouldn't have said that but I don't want them obsessing over me, their grandparents, themselves or anyone else dying. We probably read one of the pigeon books after that.

Val

I haven't been able to read every comment on here, b'c I am a wuss and don't like death, but I did want to mention you might not want to read these at bedtime b'c you may end up with 1. tons and tons of questions 2. scared kids 3. nightmares, or all of the above. I try to avoid having these conversations at bedtime, if only to help my daughter have less to think about as she dozes off - instead of more? You know?

I am very sorry about your Grandma, and am sorry that you are dealing with the impending death of your father as well. Hugs.

Sarahd

"Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion". Thanks for helping me indulge in it via the *strangled gurgled crying sound*.

Clare

Oh, I don't envy you your conversations about death. My husband's aunt died suddenly, and he flew home for the funeral. My 3 year old had seen her maybe half a dozen times, but he'll still randomly ask me if Aunt Diane is still dead.

We too love the pigeon books. Have you seen the Smidgen of Pigeon board books? So cute! We also got the Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus game as a prize at the library, and as far as pre-school board games go, it is really fun. Simple, quick, but requiring actual strategy! A big hit with my 7 & 3.5 year olds.

Parsing Nonsense

Oh my goodness, super not-okay that your mother in law talked to your children about death before you did! My mother and I have vastly different opinions on matters of faith and religion, and I would be LIVID if she decided to tell Aidan something without my express permission.

Mermil

I dread the day I have to have this conversation with my 3 and 1/2 year old. Have I mentioned that I am so sorry all this is happening?

I will say one day I found my guidance couselor husband with suspiciously glistening eyes because he'd come across The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, by Leo Buscaglia. Highly recommended. I mean, highly recommended in a "oh god oh god this breaks my heart way". The man got it right.

The Diamond in the Window

The pigeon is excellent. And a book about death, of a sort, that I think is amazing in an indirect way is also one of my favorites, The Velveteen Rabbit. The only problem: you will have to cry every time you read it. But maybe the good kind of crying? It does offer a sort of consolation for losing something you truly love, and hope that the person lost gets consolation as well.
Feeling much sympathy for you and your family.

Brenda Flynn

My son, at four, tried to solve the inexplicable issue of his grandfather's death by deciding he would build a Robot Papa.

He was also convinced that Jesus would bring Papa back at Christmas, which has a weird but interesting theological overtone.

Have you seen the "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus" move poster?

Kara

When our daughter was about Noah's age, we had a string of people die who were close to us (seven in one year), including my husband's 42 year old uncle (heart attack) and our neighbor's newborn (SIDS). I'm Unitarian and my husband is Episcopalian and we have different ideas about what happens when we die. We dealt with our daughter's questions by telling her what we knew the families of the deceased believed. Our neighbors who lost their baby were Jehovah's Witnesses who believed their baby was alseep, waiting for the day his parents joined him, Uncle Adam was in heaven watching his children and helping God to keep them safe. Yes, this raised The Big Question: will you die? And I told her the truth "no!" (kidding!) "we all die, but I won't leave you for a very, very long time, until you're all grown up and have babies of your own." I'm doing my best to keep that promise.

Kids will understand death in different ways at different times. I think we count on young kids to understand and react to death in the same ways we do... it's such an abstract concept, they are protected by their inability to REALLY understand.

Megan

I would also suggest "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" by Judith Viorst. It's about a family pet dying, but the overall message is that our memories remain even after a loved one is gone, which I think can be very comforting to little ones.

Mary Ann

When I was five and my grandpa died, my sister and I demanded that I'll Miss You Mr Hooper be read to us over and over and over again for weeks.

If you can find that episode of Sesame Street somewhere, I would highly, highly recommend both it and the book.

When my mother died (I was 29), my sister had our copy of the book, so I just went ahead and bought a used copy off Amazon for whatever it cost. For myself. Totally worth it, even though it makes me cry every single time.

Kate

You might have caught on by now considering the other comments, but just in case: buy every Mo Willems book in the bookstore. They are all phenomenal. IMHO he is the best children's writer of our time.

tifRN

I'm so sorry, amy. the worst, the absolute worst part of my job as a pediatric oncology nurse, was the hospice patients. that we read the books to...the books that explains their death, and how they just go to sleep, and then goes into their wishes: who do they want with them? what do they want to happen to their toys? do they want mommy and daddy to bury them in something special (batman pajamas. omg the tears)? then we do handprints and foot prints, by themselves and with family. and then I lose a piece of my soul. and after losing six in six months, I transferred to the picu.

tifRN

I'm so sorry, amy. the worst, the absolute worst part of my job as a pediatric oncology nurse, was the hospice patients. that we read the books to...the books that explains their death, and how they just go to sleep, and then goes into their wishes: who do they want with them? what do they want to happen to their toys? do they want mommy and daddy to bury them in something special (batman pajamas. omg the tears)? then we do handprints and foot prints, by themselves and with family. and then I lose a piece of my soul. and after losing six in six months, I transferred to the picu.

Betty M

An excellent book for children to explain grief and how it is ok to be sad when someone they love has died is "Sad" by Michael Rosen. A truly brilliant book.

Ally B

I lost my father 2 years ago. My kids were 4 and 3 at the time. "Lifetimes" and "When Dinosaurs Die" were helpful (for me mostly), but the book that really seemed to be the favorite and best for the kids was "Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs" by Tommy DePaola. It was a good segway into explaining what went down, and how we felt at the time. The kids revisited the illness, funeral, etc. over and over for months, and they liked to read that book during that time.

Michele

I am totally with you on getting the kids to bed before shows start. Even with the DVR, which of course allows us to FF over commercials. Sometimes, by 8:00/8:30 I just want to be "off the clock." The worst book my kids wanted me to read? The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins. Dr. Seuss was just being cruel when he wrote that one.

Lisa

oh, my 18 month old LOVES LOVES LOVES the pigeon book.

Sorry you need the others.

ms martyr

Amy, I would like to recommend that you order some or all of the books from Barbara Karnes, RN.
http://www.gonefrommysight.com/
These would be for you, not the kids. A friend who lost her husband sent them to us and says she wishes she'd known about and read them before he died. She would have done a lot of things differently.

Leigh Ann

We LOVE Mo Willems. He has a fun series of books about a pig and an elephant who are best friends. We read them so much that my almost 3 year olds can recite the pages - which for a little bit made us think they were reading it, but no.

michele

I was going to recommend The Fall of Freddie the Leaf but couldn't remember the title - you have amazing readers!

Hope

We had the dinosaur divorce book when my parents split up. Not quite on the same level, but still rather traumatic for kids. I don't remember any specifics, but I do remember that both of my sisters and I found it helpful.

Jillian

Gah, I need someone to come read the pigeon book to me just to help me recover from learning there is a book out there to help kids cope with their own deaths. Gah.

Sarah

I highly recommend the book Liplap's Wish by Jonathan London. I'm an elementary school counselor and I use it with kids who are dealing with death in all different types of circumstances. Hang in there, Amy.

kris

Mo Willems is awesome! Elephant and Piggy are hysterical..something I'm sure you all can use in the coming months. I'll join the chorus of commenters saying it totally sucks you have to look at the other books at all. But glad you found some you think will help with the boys. And just maybe they will help you too.

tifRN - Wow..just wow. I can not even imagine that job!

Brandi

Amy I am so sorry you need these books. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts this weekend. :(

Marybeth

I wish my parents talked to my brother and I like that when my grandfather died. What you're doing is hard, but it's really important and they will appreciate it later on.

Chris

We LOVE the pigeon books here, but only when read with a special pigeon voice. :) My kids' favorite is "The Pigeon Wants a Puppy."

I'm sorry that you need the other books, too.

Chris

We LOVE the pigeon books here, but only when read with a special pigeon voice. :) My kids' favorite is "The Pigeon Wants a Puppy."

I'm sorry that you need the other books, too.

Christine

I don't have any book suggestions or anecdotes, but you made me cry just thinking of that third book being out there. Pigeons for everyone!

statia

Or you can read Knuffle Bunny Free and all just sit around and bawl.

Also, the Butt Book, for a good laugh. The Pigeon, he's funny, but jesus, he is RELENTLESS.

statia

Or you can read Knuffle Bunny Free and all just sit around and bawl.

Also, the Butt Book, for a good laugh. The Pigeon, he's funny, but jesus, he is RELENTLESS.

AKC

I was just researching books on all this after my son had a surprise mini-panic attack one night about death, and one of the ones I saw recommended repeatedly was "The Next Place". I really liked it; it's a very comforting but appropriately vague so you can attach your own beliefs (or lack thereof) - it's mostly about how the 'next place' will be one of peace, etc. Highly recommend it, and honestly, I copied the words down in case I need them to read aloud when my parents go...

Brigid Keely

All of these book suggestions look really great and helpful, even though (knock on wood) nobody in our lives will die any time soon.

That being said, OMG, Seuss, wrap it up ok? I usually wind up skipping pages when reading "one fish, two fish." Because I'm terrible. And it's really really long. My kid isn't even 2 yet so I don't think he's caught on. I imagine he will soon, though...

mrs. q.

Gah. I'm so sorry. What a terrible time for you and your family. Squeeze your boys and sniff their heads... and rub your belly.

Amber

Adding to the chorus of book recommendations, have you stumbled across the Mo Willems book, "Country Dog City Frog"? Oh my lands. It's actually about death in a sense, but also about...uhhh...the cyclical nature of life and the whole "to everything there is a season" kind of thing. It's incredibly poignant and I was kind of surprised by how much my children love it. There's this part at the end (I don't want to ruin it if you haven't read it) where there are no words on a spread and the first few times I got to that part with my girls it gave me a little shiver at how sad/beautiful it was.

We've been so, so lucky not to have to tackle this subject in a major way with our girls yet. I know it's inevitable and I'm happy to see your recommendations here.

You guys hang in there. The whole Internet is pulling for you!

Danielle

Mo Willems is the shiz. My personal favorite are the Knuffle Bunny books (the last of which, incidentally, is about letting go of a beloved security toy and knowing it's loved and needed somewhere else -- not a bad segue into discussion of death, especially for those who do believe in some kind of afterlife).

Danielle

Mo Willems is the shiz. My personal favorite are the Knuffle Bunny books (the last of which, incidentally, is about letting go of a beloved security toy and knowing it's loved and needed somewhere else -- not a bad segue into discussion of death, especially for those who do believe in some kind of afterlife).

Sara R.

I'm sorry that you are on the market for books about death at all, but thank you for sharing the good ones you found. I think I'll be ordering these to have around...we just lost my husband's grandfather a couple weeks ago and I was totally at a loss over how to talk to my almost 4 year old about it. So instead I just didn't. Not the best way to handle the situation or honor his memory :-(

mama jamz

I scanned through your comments and didn't see this one, so wanted to suggest Tear Soup. It is probably a little too old for your boys, but they might like it. It was great as far as explaining the grief process to my kids, and that mama was crying, but that was okay and that I wouldn't cry forever.

Varda (SquashedMom)

Yeah, conversations with kids about death just suck. Last year we lost both my elderly father and my mother-in-law. My 8 year old twins had very different reactions because one of them is on the autism spectrum and processes everything very differently. (I wrote a lot about all this in my blog.) At the very end my 92 year old father was becoming skeletal and scary looking and I couldn't bring my more typical kid by any more, he was just too scared.

For Jake, on the other hand, the obliviousness of his autism made him able to come see my Dad up until the very end, and that was a great comfort to my Mom. Jake would climb in bed w/ my Dad and pat his back and tell him to "Feel better Grandpa" I'm starting to cry again, thinking about it, it was so sweet and so sad, all rolled up together.

I hope everyone in your family is doing ok. It just takes time for all this stuff to be felt & dealt with. Mourning and sadness suck, but to not feel is worse. Peace to you.

Colleen

We just bought "Don't Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late." Zoe LOVES it... although I think the book is actually about Zoe for real.

(Oh... and have you see the mo willems website? hysterical stuff.)

Hil

Mo Willem's books are the solution for all ills. He should be required reading for, well, everyone.

Erin

This is so hard. So f-ing hard. I am so sorry. My Mother died, suddenly, two years ago this month. Isaac was a little over 3 and very close to her. Telling him that day was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Talking to him about death and Grandma and after life and all of it has actually been very good for me, and very freeing. I HAVE to talk about it, at least with him. It's not fair to him if I don't. He asks crazy, in depth questions, and I have to give him answers. It makes me have to deal. It makes me have to remember. It makes me have to try to figure it out on my own a little bit. I have actually surprised myself at how well I handle all the talk and questions. We can go weeks with no questions, then days on end with a million questions. He has moments when he really misses her and wants to know, moments when he can almost "tell" that I need to talk about her, and also he has times when he uses the "I miss Grandma" line to try to stay up a little longer at night . . . all are fine. Even the fake missing her -- he's just 5 years old, so it does not bother me that much.

Anyway, we found one book that was good, but not complete enough for all of his questions. It's called, "I miss you: a first look at death" -- http://www.amazon.com/Miss-You-First-Look-Death/dp/0764117645/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1296964142&sr=8-1

You can do this with your kids. Like me, you might not do so well at dealing with it for yourself, but for your kids, you can do it!

Praying and sending light and love to your family,

Erin

lolismum

There is a book to help dying kids with their own death? And that comment up there by the pediatric oncologist nurse about asking the sick kids... What?? Seriously, I think I would like to curl up into a little ball and rock back and forth now. Oh my word, I may never sleep again.

Sarah

However you talk about it - and I do think that's important, very important--please remember that you will have to go over it again, and again, and again, so you can begin at a brief level probably. When my granddaughter was 4, one of her classmates died. We are coming from a conventional religious context with her, so her parents and I and her grandfather all attempted to answer questions and the questions kept coming for about a year. It was the same year of 9/11. We thought we had addressed that carefully, and sensitively, and patted ourselves on the back for an appropriate response, and one day when she was 7, she said "You mean to tell me that someone flew those planes into buildings on purpose?" I think there might be some degree of protection in the inability to process what's been said on these subjects, so that helps you keep answering the questions. I wish you the best with every aspect of this, but "best" is just a relative term.

Lady in a Smalltown

I also really like the "Charlie" book. Several years ago the kindergarten class at my school had a student with a very sick brother and another with a very sick dad. Both, sadly, passed away while this class was in kindergarten. There were also a couple of grandparents that died that year. Our librarian borrowed books from all over the district and "Charlie" was one of the best.

The story of waterbugs and dragonflies by Doris Stickney has always been one of my favorite explanations about why the dead can't come back.

I am sorry for all the pain and loss you are going through. I know what ever you tell the boys will be the right thing for them and will not scar(e) them for life.

T

My children have lost grandparents, and also a same-age (preschool aged) cousin. My children found comfort in making memory books--writing down things they liked about their deceased family members, drawing pictures, etc. Sorry for all the sadness you are facing now.

roz

Just had to tell you I save your blog for last, because afterwards I have to go change my underwear from laughing so hard. How you managed to talk about death and I was still laughing, is a wonderful mystery.
Love your blog :)

Jennifer Bourque

I'm so sorry about Jason's Grandma. I too work in paediatric oncology, so unfortunately know all too much about kid's books about death and dying. I can only add one to the ones mentioned above--it's called "Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids)" I like it because it deals a lot with kids--and parents--reactions to grief. It can be really scary for kids to see loved ones grieve, and this gives them some idea of what might happen (say, at a memorial service, or at home following a loss), and some ideas of what they can do when they feel sad. There's some religious language (I think, if I remember correctly, along the lines of "God takes care of our loved ones" and "you can pray"), but it is pretty broad.

desibo

When my husband's mother passed away 10mths ago (I can't believe it's been that long it feels like yesterday), I think we did a decent job of Explaining Things to our 4yr old. He had seen her in the hospital looking sick and on oxygen at her house so he had an idea she wasn't doing well. We found that the harder part for him was my husband's grief. He'd never seen Daddy cry like that before and I think that's what scared him. My best advice would be to try to prepare the boys for how YOU might be when...well, you know.

kelly

If the pigeon books crack you up, you and your sons will laugh your asses off to the "carl" books, "carl and the baby", and "good dog, carl"... they are awesome !!

Trish

I don't know if anyone else recommended it but "The Next Place I Go" by Warren Hansen is awesome. I can never make it through the book without sobbing, but it is a peaceful, calming book.

Trish

I don't know if anyone else recommended it but "The Next Place I Go" by Warren Hansen is awesome. I can never make it through the book without sobbing, but it is a peaceful, calming book.

Shelley

I keep 4 pigeon books on my desk at work when I need a laugh. No one has ever questioned why a person in corporate America has 4 children's books on her desk. But seriously, that pigeon doesn't really want a puppy! He so crazy.

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