THINGS I DID THIS WEEKEND:
1) Got a pedicure, had total Blush-and-Bashful moment when the bright, funky royal blue color I chose in honor of Baby Boy Number Three dried way too dark and now looks all black and goth-y. I don't really pull off "goth-y" too well, even when I'm NOT wearing giant maternity caftans with extraneous underboob ties and ribbons. Then again, I seriously just tried to describe blue toenail polish as "funky." I AM HOPELESS.
2) Saw Bridesmaids, had moment of brilliant inspiration during a scene that (SPOILER) featured someone vomiting on someone else's head that, wow, this would be the BEST TIMING EVER for my water to break all over the place. In fact, the crowd would probably have thought it was an interactive part of the show and given me a standing ovation.
3) Went to IKEA in search of a medicine cabinet and a second diaper pail. Argued with universe that fine, I'm not mad you didn't take my going-into-labor-during-Bridesmaids suggestion, because I actually think IKEA is EVEN BETTER and MORE POETIC-LIKE. So come on! Come onnnnnnnnn.
3a) Also had conversation with another mom in IKEA who tried to offer me some first-timer advice re: kid-sized plastic hangers. It was, in fact, good advice (YOU WILL NEVER, EVER HAVE ENOUGH KID-SIZED PLASTIC HANGERS) and I felt like an asshole for being like, "yeeeeah, this is baby number THREE, I'm hip to the whole hanger thing," but then she was like, "YAY LET'S TALK ABOUT CHILDBIRTH AND EPISIOTOMIES" and I had to be all, "oh, I actually had c-sections" and then she said, "CHEATER JUST KIDDING HAVE YOU CONSIDERED A VBAC?" and I learned a valuable lesson: Just play dumb and nod the next time someone offers you advice about kid-sized plastic hangers.
3b) Purchased medicine cabinet and diaper pail, also got a really good deal on napkins, a cutting board, and...a shitload of kid-sized plastic hangers. Seriously, you always need more than you think you do.
4) Installed shiny new medicine cabinet in master bathroom, super-conveniently over this patch where I attempted to touch up the wall with the wrong color paint four years ago. I've been meaning to get the right paint and fix it for awhile now, but. You know. Things. Life. Shit to watch on television. But now I have a new medicine cabinet and organized drawers and no more expired medication taking up room and I even hung up some artwork and decorated and shit and now I have a very pretty master bathroom THAT NO ONE WILL EVER SEE because who ever goes in your master bathroom besides your own damn self? It's not like I can be all, "oh, I know we've lived here for four-and-a-half years but how about a tour of the upstairs? But only the nursery and the master bath. And a couple of the closets. And Imma gonna have to ask you to close your eyes while you walk through the master bedroom, because that still looks like we just moved in three weeks ago."
4a) THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD JUST WATCH TV INSTEAD.
5) Did not have a baby or anything even close to it.
Look at that! A goddamned jewel tone. I think it contrasts nicely with the master bathroom OH WAIT A SECOND...
Oh heeeeey, just chilling out next to my new medicine cabinet and toilet all casual-like, wishing I could get a better angle of the other stuff we hung up including those funky* clay pots right there but whatever I'm so sneaky.
*STOP USING THAT WORD, DORKWAD.