The Deodorant Wars, Crime Noir Edition: The Devil Had Dry Armpits
July 14, 2011
(This entry is based on actual events.)
(I mean, kind of. I made up some parts up. See if you can guess which ones!)
(Also, certain events have been recreated for photographic purposes.)
(I wore gloves. Ew.)
(Also also, if you have absolutely no idea what in sam blessed hill is going on here, allow me to direct you to the previous entries in the Deodorant Wars Saga [linked below], which goes further and further off the rails with each ridiculous installment.)
Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four
The official cause of death? Accidental toilet drowning.
"Some clumsy dumbass probably just knocked it off the bathroom counter and into the toilet with her elbow," the coroner said. "It's a real shame. By the looks of it she had a good 10, maybe even 20 clicks left in her."
I didn't think too much of it at first. Once you've been Dermatologist Tested and equipped with patented TRIsolidTM body responsive technology, you pretty much become numb to this sort of thing. I just show up to write the reports, file the paperwork.
The name's Lieutenant Degree Men Clinical Protection. I'm a cop. Maybe there was a time when I was a good one. Maybe there will come a time when I'll be one again. Right now, most days, it's just too damn hot out there to care.
The sweat stains are gonna win anyway, so why even try?
Her younger sister -- a sweet kid, smelled like cucumbers -- came to identify the body. And immediately started asking questions, poking around, sticking her lid where it had no business being.
"This was no accident," she all but hollered. God, I hate when they make a scene. The last thing we need is for the shampoos to get wind of this. Them and the soaps are always getting mysteriously dropped in the shower and have been just itching to a reason to start a full-on riot over sink-side police coverups.
"The angle, the trajectory," she went on, "It's all just too perfect. Who has that kind of aim with their elbow? Honestly. She was clearly pushed. On purpose."
"I loved my sister." Her voice was quieter now, thank goodness. "She was smart. Successful. Clinically proven."
"But she had...some enemies."
She may have looked like a dame's deodorant, but she had the crime and odor-fighting skills of a man. I had to admire that.
She wasn't all aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrex, though. Another look at her sister's lifeless body brought out her softer, moisturizing side.
"She always had prescription-strength wetness protection, but..."
She didn't need to say it. We were both thinking it. Sweat is one thing. Nothing can protect you from a full-on dunk in the shitbowl.
I needed to say something else, though, even if she didn't want to hear it. My own specially-formulated wetness protection didn't extend much further than the medicine cabinet, and if there was foul play going on here, the culprit probably didn't come from there.
No, I suspected this was the work of The Others. They'd once enjoyed a little taste of infamy and the good life -- something with the Internet, I didn't really understand any of it -- but have been banished to a bottom drawer for damn over two years now. They're well past their expiration dates but it turns out once you anthropomorphize a bunch of deodorants for blogging purposes, it gets awful difficult to just toss them in the trash.
They were a motley bunch, for sure. Shifty. Made the whole drawer smell overpoweringly like lavender-scented cool fresh baby powder mixed with the ambiguously named-by-marketing committee smells of Bella Bloom, Sexy Intrigue and Just Dance.
You never forget that smell.
Yeah, I had my work cut out for me here, if I wanted to help this poor dame find out what happened to her sister. You can probably imagine my surprise when I realized that...I did. Want to help, that is. There was just something about her. Something about this case. It stunk, all right, just like that damned bottom drawer.
"Don't worry, Dovecakes," I told her. "I'll ask around. Just know that getting to the real truth in this town is..."
"The pits."
(YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!)
This has just made my day...I so needed that laugh!
Posted by: Judy | July 14, 2011 at 10:38 AM
"Sweat is one thing. Nothing can protect you from a full-on dunk in the shitbowl." Ahh, truer words were never spoken.
BTW, I was one of the people who asked for more Deodorant Wars on twitter - so thanks for delivering! Do you think there's love in the air for Lieutenant Degree and Ms. Dove? Or was I reading too much into this post . . .
Posted by: Courtney | July 14, 2011 at 10:41 AM
This stinks. (I kid! I love it.)
Posted by: Kimberly | July 14, 2011 at 10:41 AM
Move the fuck OVER, Dashiell Hammett!
Posted by: Roberta | July 14, 2011 at 10:46 AM
I know you may think it is too soon to start seeing another deoderant after such a tragedy, but I think if you gave the new Mitchum Advanced Control a chance, you might be as happy as I am after years of dysfunctional relationships with sweat-fighters. Perhaps that will be the beginning of another installment...
Posted by: Geeg | July 14, 2011 at 10:47 AM
Yeah!! Another installment! Love it! I didn't realize I missed these. Thank you!
I found myself thinking, "Hey, there's the Tom's!" like he's a beloved old character from the original trilogy. Because ... well, he is. Once you anthropomorphize deodorant, you can't go back.
Posted by: Anna S. | July 14, 2011 at 10:48 AM
I like the Mr. Potatohead glasses.
Posted by: Kristen | July 14, 2011 at 10:48 AM
YES! More deodorant wars!!
Posted by: Kelly | July 14, 2011 at 10:49 AM
I just choked on my coffee. Holy shit that was what I needed today (the laughing, not the coffee choking haha)
Posted by: Myranda | July 14, 2011 at 10:49 AM
HA! Yes. Love youuuuuuuu.
Posted by: Lis | July 14, 2011 at 10:50 AM
Oh how I've missed the deodorant saga! More please!
Also..."Dovecakes." Freaking. Awesome. :)
Posted by: Lindsay | July 14, 2011 at 10:51 AM
Oh how I've missed the deodorant saga! More please!
Also..."Dovecakes." Freaking. Awesome. :)
Posted by: Lindsay | July 14, 2011 at 10:51 AM
Thank you!!!! I have so missed the Deodorant Wars!!! And this was the best yet!!!
Posted by: Brandi | July 14, 2011 at 10:52 AM
You're friggin HILARIOUS!
Posted by: Lauren | July 14, 2011 at 10:54 AM
You're friggin HILARIOUS!
Posted by: Lauren | July 14, 2011 at 10:54 AM
Haaaahahaha! Yes!
Posted by: Suzy Q | July 14, 2011 at 10:55 AM
This was up to your usual standards of hilarity, and then ... the ending. OMG. I died. Completely died. Horatio humor wins every time.
Posted by: Diane | July 14, 2011 at 10:58 AM
Yay! Thank You!!!!
I also said, "Hi, Tom's of Maine!" I SO hope he did it!
Posted by: Karen | July 14, 2011 at 10:58 AM
I love you.
Posted by: Karly | July 14, 2011 at 10:59 AM
I love this!
Posted by: Alison C | July 14, 2011 at 10:59 AM
HAHAHAHA! *breathe* HAHAHAHA!
Definite deodorant wars success.
I, too, was like "ooh look, the Toms!"
Posted by: Anne | July 14, 2011 at 11:01 AM
HAHAHAHA! *breathe* HAHAHAHA!
Definite deodorant wars success.
I, too, was like "ooh look, the Toms!"
Posted by: Anne | July 14, 2011 at 11:01 AM
This may be your best (deodorant-related) work yet! Awesome.
Posted by: Jessie | July 14, 2011 at 11:05 AM
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH - Oh my stars - way too funny! ~ L
Posted by: Lauren | July 14, 2011 at 11:06 AM
My God, you are brilliant. "You never forget that smell." Bwaaaaaahaha! This made my week.
Posted by: Jen L. | July 14, 2011 at 11:15 AM
HAAAAAAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAA!
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Love the set up and shift away from soap opera to film noir. Much awesomeness.
And the ending was to....die for.
Posted by: Dawn | July 14, 2011 at 11:15 AM
you make me laugh!
i'm just hoping the sister will have a love interest in a later episode... old spice red zone swagger!
Posted by: Laurie | July 14, 2011 at 11:16 AM
Yay! Loved this one! I'm intrigued now....whodunnit??
Posted by: Julie | July 14, 2011 at 11:18 AM
Two enthusiastic thumbs up!
Posted by: Erin | July 14, 2011 at 11:18 AM
F***IMG AWESOME!! just made my bad day go away. Thank you!
Posted by: Emily | July 14, 2011 at 11:19 AM
AHAHAHA that was awesome!!! I have loved all the Deodorant Wars. [Yes, am a long-time lurker].
"She may have looked like a dame's deodorant, but she had the crime and odor-fighting skills of a man. I had to admire that." LMAO!!
Yeah, what was up with those Secret commercials in the 80's, "Strong Enough for a Man, but made for a Woman." WTF.
Posted by: MissRed | July 14, 2011 at 11:20 AM
AHAHAHA that was awesome!!! I have loved all the Deodorant Wars. [Yes, am a long-time lurker].
"She may have looked like a dame's deodorant, but she had the crime and odor-fighting skills of a man. I had to admire that." LMAO!!
Yeah, what was up with those Secret commercials in the 80's, "Strong Enough for a Man, but made for a Woman." WTF.
Posted by: MissRed | July 14, 2011 at 11:20 AM
BEST DEODORANT WARS EVER. I can't even pick out favorites, there are too many. Omg Amy, I love you. Still LMFAO!
Posted by: PinkieBling | July 14, 2011 at 11:23 AM
Baahahahahaha. Ridiculously hilarious. Back when my brother and I were first discovering the internets there was this interactive comic-game series on AOL called "Detective....in a jar" that was a bran in a jar with some wires going around solving crime. I am wallowing in 1998 internet nerditude. Thank you.
Posted by: MKP | July 14, 2011 at 11:24 AM
I just love it. That is all. LOVE IT.
Posted by: Cristin | July 14, 2011 at 11:32 AM
God I lurve you!
Posted by: Amy | July 14, 2011 at 11:38 AM
That was fantastic. Particularly the sunglasses at the end. :)
Posted by: bad penguin | July 14, 2011 at 11:39 AM
Nearly wet my pants.
Posted by: liz | July 14, 2011 at 11:42 AM
Love, love, love this!! The last "YEAAAHHH" was perfection... this whole entry made me think of that show.
Posted by: bessie.viola | July 14, 2011 at 11:47 AM
Oh, deodorant wars! This and the microwave cookbook are some of the most hilarious things out there.
Posted by: ssm | July 14, 2011 at 11:49 AM
THAT, was sheer brilliance.
Posted by: nikki | July 14, 2011 at 11:50 AM
If this is your post-partum brain, we're going to need you to keep having babies. Strong, strong work.
Posted by: Vaiden | July 14, 2011 at 11:50 AM
You are such a good writer!
Thank you for that. I don't know how you find the time but hi.lar.i.ous.
Posted by: RebeccaF. | July 14, 2011 at 11:52 AM
Ahahahahahaha!!!!
Posted by: Elle | July 14, 2011 at 11:53 AM
You are an amazing writer. How were you able to do this? See I wish I had cool talents like this.
Posted by: Anthony from CharismaticKid | July 14, 2011 at 11:58 AM
"Sink-side police coverups", hee! This whole post was awesome!!
Posted by: nonsoccermom | July 14, 2011 at 12:00 PM
You realize with every update I have to go reread all the previous ones. Much like the Harry Potter books...
Posted by: Laurie | July 14, 2011 at 12:01 PM
"The last thing we need is for the shampoos to get wind of this"
hahaha oh my god I am so glad this is back!
Posted by: cee | July 14, 2011 at 12:01 PM
"The last thing we need is for the shampoos to get wind of this"
hahaha oh my god I am so glad this is back!
Posted by: cee | July 14, 2011 at 12:01 PM
BRAVO!
The most creative and entertaining thing I've read on the internet in a very very long time.
Posted by: Kate | July 14, 2011 at 12:13 PM
Is it wrong I already want the next installment?
Posted by: Amy Lee | July 14, 2011 at 12:16 PM
"sweet girl, smelled like cucumbers"
Oh God, you slay me!
Posted by: tonya | July 14, 2011 at 12:32 PM
I love that this was an old black and white mystery that somehow ended with a CSI Miama tie in. You're like a magician!
Posted by: Alicia | July 14, 2011 at 12:32 PM
Miami*
Posted by: Alicia | July 14, 2011 at 12:33 PM
I love that this started as a perfect black and white murder mystery that transitioned beautifully into CSI Miami. You're like a word magician!
Posted by: Alicia | July 14, 2011 at 12:35 PM
This is amazing in so many ways.
Posted by: Life of a Doctor's Wife | July 14, 2011 at 12:52 PM
Oh man...the only thing better than Deodorant Wars is DEODORANT NOIR.
Posted by: bethany actually | July 14, 2011 at 12:55 PM
Oh man...the only thing better than Deodorant Wars is DEODORANT NOIR.
Posted by: bethany actually | July 14, 2011 at 12:55 PM
Oh man...the only thing better than Deodorant Wars is DEODORANT NOIR.
Posted by: bethany actually | July 14, 2011 at 12:55 PM
First of all, this:
"Sweat is one thing. Nothing can protect you from a full-on dunk in the shitbowl."
Second, Horatio Cane? My God, woman. How you take care of three kids and have the time to write amazingly creative blog entries is the real mystery here. If it's possible, I think I love you even more.
Also, I'm sure you saw the Diablo Cody shout out on Twitter the other day, but I was like, "Diablo and I have the same taste in Mommyblogs! Am witty/hilarious by proxy! Wheeee!"
Posted by: Melissa | July 14, 2011 at 12:56 PM
but but what about Tom?
Posted by: lisa | July 14, 2011 at 01:13 PM
I think I love you and your "mato-head" glasses.
Posted by: Heidi | July 14, 2011 at 01:16 PM
This is the best installment yet. I am amazed at your post-pregnancy brain cells working so creatively.
Posted by: Jill | July 14, 2011 at 01:16 PM
You put to... internets... the things that I think about all the time. I am constantly personifying things... and, well... you rock.
Posted by: Kari Weber | July 14, 2011 at 01:18 PM
BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
All hail the triumphant return of The Deodorant Wars! Wooooooo!
Posted by: Brittany | July 14, 2011 at 01:22 PM
That's minutes of my life I will never get back.
Posted by: statia | July 14, 2011 at 01:23 PM
This was the BEST INSTALLMENT EVER.
"They're well past their expiration dates but it turns out once you anthropomorphize a bunch of deodorants for blogging purposes, it gets awful difficult to just toss them in the trash."
So damn funny. That's minutes I've my life I'm GLAD I will never get back.
Posted by: Katie | July 14, 2011 at 01:30 PM
Brilliant!!
Posted by: Robyn | July 14, 2011 at 01:35 PM
Thanks for the laugh!!!
Posted by: Tina | July 14, 2011 at 01:45 PM
I love the deodorant wars! This was the best one yet.
Posted by: Jessica | July 14, 2011 at 01:48 PM
Sooooo relieved that I was not the only reader to think "Tom's!!" when I looked in the drawer.... *embarrassed giggle*
I love the deodorant wars :-)
Posted by: Stacy | July 14, 2011 at 01:55 PM
Best yet!! I love it!
Posted by: Anne | July 14, 2011 at 01:59 PM
I love the black and white. And "Dovecakes"!
Posted by: grammargeek | July 14, 2011 at 02:08 PM
Slam DUNK!
Posted by: Robin | July 14, 2011 at 02:10 PM
Absolutely made my day! Your writing is spectacular--love the "Noir"--Garrison Keillor needs to hire you! :)
Posted by: Judy | July 14, 2011 at 02:33 PM
Awesome!
Posted by: Carley | July 14, 2011 at 02:41 PM
I didn't even realise I could miss deodorant wars until I noticed how giddy I was that they were back! I think this was definitely the best one yet! (And I'm thinking it was the younger sister trying to throw the detective off the case. She was insanely jealous of her older sister!) hehe
Posted by: Keri | July 14, 2011 at 02:48 PM
What everyone else has already said...love it!!!
Posted by: Blanche | July 14, 2011 at 03:06 PM
LOL the best one yet!
Posted by: Colleen | July 14, 2011 at 03:13 PM
LOL the best one yet!
Posted by: Colleen | July 14, 2011 at 03:13 PM
LOL! Best one yet
Posted by: Colleen | July 14, 2011 at 03:14 PM
LOL! Best one yet
Posted by: Colleen | July 14, 2011 at 03:14 PM
Deodorant Wars is probably the biggest reason I started reading this blog.
Colleen's right: best one yet.
Posted by: Della | July 14, 2011 at 03:22 PM
Never commented on these segments; never really liked them, to be honest, (read them anyway) but this one was brilliant, Amy. :) Excellent laugh during my workday, thank you!
Posted by: el-e-e | July 14, 2011 at 03:24 PM
Yep, this confirmed it. You are teh awesome.
Posted by: Tiffany | July 14, 2011 at 03:25 PM
Thank goodness you published this. I just love a good crime story ;)
Posted by: Jessica | July 14, 2011 at 03:29 PM
Can we please get a crossover episode with the Isle of Sodor? Someone's just dying to be tied to the tracks. ;)
Posted by: Txtingmrdarcy | July 14, 2011 at 03:35 PM
Brilliant! I should have done my thesis on this instead of theater for schools. And it's in a film noir style no-less! Love it.
Posted by: Kati | July 14, 2011 at 03:42 PM
SLAM DUNK!
Posted by: agirlandaboy | July 14, 2011 at 03:53 PM
Old School Amalah.. nice :)
Posted by: -k- | July 14, 2011 at 04:13 PM
hahah! hilarious!!
Posted by: Antonia | July 14, 2011 at 04:39 PM
Yay!! It's baaaaaaack!
Posted by: Ashley | July 14, 2011 at 04:44 PM
This. Is amazing.
Posted by: Valerie | July 14, 2011 at 04:50 PM
This. Is amazing.
Posted by: Valerie | July 14, 2011 at 04:50 PM
This. Is amazing.
Posted by: Valerie | July 14, 2011 at 04:50 PM
Brilliant!
Posted by: Starbuck | July 14, 2011 at 05:07 PM
Brilliant!
Posted by: Starbuck | July 14, 2011 at 05:07 PM
Yay! I love Deodorant Wars. More please!
Posted by: starrynite | July 14, 2011 at 05:10 PM
I die.
Posted by: Zak | July 14, 2011 at 05:32 PM
Super LOLs! Perfectly done!
Posted by: StatMom | July 14, 2011 at 05:33 PM