I knew it was going to be One of Those Days when the baby woke up at 5 am. I need him to sleep until at least 5:30 am to avoid his second, for-real-and-serious waking two hours later happening smack-dab in the middle of my window to get Noah out of bed and dressed and eating breakfast. Now, I have never, ever been one to brag about my time management skills, because prior to having all these children I never HAD any time management skills. I was someone who routinely lied to her dayplanner to give herself an extra crucial 20 minutes of lead time for meetings and who, back when I had one teeny tiny solitary little baby, it once took over two hours to get to a Starbucks less than six blocks away. So while I don't know EXACTLY what it means that now my days are so hyper-regimented that I can basically predict that a day is completely fuxxored by 5:03 in the morning, but let's just call it "personal growth" and get on with things already. Anyway. 5 am. I nurse the baby and put him back down and briefly debate just staying up and showering... Read more →

For the record: 1) He did great. 2) Dude Teacher is a bona fide rockstar hit. 3) Lady Teacher has "Kill" in her name (Killian) and thus requires more time to determine if she is a Bad Guy or not. 3a) This may a job for the Spy Kids. 3b) If you want to be a Spy Kid, you just need to wear a belt. Duh. 3c) It sounds to me like the Spy Kids' recruitment requirements may have gone downhill over the course of four movies and the advent of Aroma-Scope, but I'm clearly not the expert here. 4) He is a little bummed that he isn't able to read fluently yet, since the fifth graders corrected his reading of the words BUS STOP this morning. "Actually, that says STORM DRAIN," they said. "But good try!" 5) I still get hugs. 5a) And kisses. 5b) Even in front of the fifth graders. Read more →

I woke up this morning to discover that a big giant kid crept in and ate Noah up last night. I was pretty annoyed, so I walked him to the neighborhood bus stop and sent him off to school with a bunch of other big kids. Whatever. *** The other parents snapped pictures as their kids lined up and boarded the bus. I just stood there. I'd abandoned my camera on our front step because Noah was having a hard morning and me standing around trying to capture the preshus memories of childhood rites of passage was clearly NOT HELPING. He didn't want to get out of bed, he didn't want to get dressed, he didn't want a shirt with too many buttons and he didn't want breakfast and he CERTAINLY didn't want to walk to the bus stop. But of course the minute we rounded the corner and he spotted other kids at the bus stop his anxiety melted. He cheerfully climbed on the bus and stopped mid-step to turn around and give me the most picture-perfect first-day-of-school wave in the HISTORY of first-day-of-school waves. I waved back. I bit my lip. I turned around and walked home. Noah... Read more →

For the record, yes. I am ashamed over how I neglected my blog this week, and how I will continue to neglect it, because all I can think to write about today is Noah's kindergarten orientation, which is happening in a couple hours. BRAIN: That's...um, really not interesting to anybody else but you. SMALLER LUMPY SUB-BRAIN: Hello, I'm not sure we've met. When has that EVER stopped me from writing about a specific topic before, ever? BRAIN: Well...never, but... SUB-BRAIN: Also, could you do us all a favor and Google the usage distinction of anyone vs. anybody? Because I suspect you're doing it wrong. BRAIN: You know if I do that we'll never get anything posted today, because we'll get lost in a Wikipedia wormhole and the next thing we know it'll be 2:15 and time to leave for the kindergarten orientation and she'll freak out about still being in her pajamas because that article about European serial killers of the 1800s was just soooooo interesting. SUB-BRAIN: Kindergarten orientation! Oh, God. Can you believe it? BRAIN: Indeed. I cannot. SUB-BRAIN: I'm really having a hard time with it. And I would really like the opportunity to get all maudlin about... Read more →

Oh, did I say something about posting more tomorrow? As in, yesterday, the day I did not post anything because...well, I don't know. Was busy. OBVIOUSLY. Planning on being similarly busy today as well, although we're leaving tonight because Noah has his kindergarten orientation (WHUT HELL NO) and Ezra needs school shoes (NOT MAH BABY) and Ike...well, Ike just kinda needs a bath. I'm sure I could find an acceptably-sized sink to bathe him in around here, but...eh. I never claimed to not be completely ridiculous. OBVIOUSLY. PS. Yes, we totally felt the earthquake. I mean, poor Tracey did, since she was alone in the house and everything shook and wobbled like crazy and she ran out right when Ezra and I were returning from the beach for a potty break and was all, "Holy shit, earthquake!" and I was all, "Oh, I thought that was like, a truck," and Ezra was all, "I HAVE TO PEE AND SHE TRIED TO GET ME TO PEE IN THE OCEAN AND I HAVE BEEN POTTY TRAINED FOR WHOLE ENTIRE WEEKS NOW AND THEREFORE REFUSE TO PEE IN THE OCEAN BECAUSE I NOW SUDDENLY HAVE STANDARDS." PPS. Yeah. It's pretty metal around here.... Read more →

A few Instragram favorites...apologies if you already saw these on Twitter, but you know. I'll post something more new-ish tomorrow. Right now I have to go see a couple boys about a sandcastle. Read more →

So you know what I decided I needed? I needed another blog. Or maybe it was a hole in the head. From which even MORE of my every vapid, passing thought could flow more freely out of. Anyway, I done got my arm twisted into blogging about...oh my God, you guys, I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO BLOG ABOUT. I was actually sold on the idea of these salon-style conversational things we'll be doing with all the Babble bloggers, but we aren't actually doing those yet, so in the meantime I have nothing to talk about. So I'm getting all kinds of weirdly meta over there about blogging and IT'S WEIRD, Y'ALL. Also kind of cricket-y. But! Samantha Bee! And Dino Dan's Mom, whose presence has officially (though surely temporarily) made me the absolute coolest, in Noah's opinion. But yeah. If anybody has any topic ideas they want to throw into consideration, go right ahead. I clearly don't know what the hell I'm doing over there yet. (Just don't say cloth diapers, because I KNOW I KNOW I'M WORKING ON IT, and don't say anything about baby food or kid food or gardening, because I have another plan... Read more →

I had big plans for today -- I really did. Today is -- was -- my last day with alllll my boys to myself before school starts. The babysitter comes tomorrow so I can pretend to be all business-y and important, and then the day after that we're heading back to the beach for a few days (with Tracey and Charlie! THERE WILL BE VELVEETA DIP AND LUGGAGE CART MAYHEM.). And then Noah's school starts like, five minutes after we get back. And then Ezra -- EZRA! BABY ZAH! -- starts school a few days later. Today was it. (Until the first random holiday or teacher in-service day that I will not be aware of, and will be all, SHIT NOW WHAT when I realize we're the only idiots out at the bus stop.) I was going to swallow my fear at being anywhere out in public with all three boys and MAKE SOME GODDAMN MEMORIES IF IT KILLED US ALL. "Who wants to go to the pool?" I asked them, over breakfast, and then waited for my barrage of joyful, grateful, life-choices-affirming squeals. "Not me!" said Noah. "No pool!" said Ezra. "Okay, how about the...splash park?" I offered, even... Read more →

Allow me to come clean, albeit vaguely, for minute or two. I am fine -- Jason is fine, the boys are fine -- but several people I love are not. At all. I can't get into details about who and what and when, because these are not my stories to tell, but just to give you a basic sampling of ALL THE AWESOME THINGS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, we have: inpatient rehab, depression, calls to a suicide hotline, impending financial doom, death, loss, suffocating grief, spread amongst several different friends and family members. All at once. BOOM. Hi! You're welcome! Love, August. (P.S. Fuck you.) I am not a "fixer." I kind of get bugged by "fixers." You know the type. You tell them your problems and they immediately pepper you with helpful, practical suggestions, and you're like: Wait. Did I make it sound like I was done wallowing? Because I'm pretty sure I'm not done wallowing. So could you please dial it back to sympathetic head pats and save your to-do list of Actionable Items To Better My Own Situation for later? (Note: Jason is a fixer, though I have successfully managed to make him recognize this as a character... Read more →

So it appears that puke is totally the new poop when it comes to mommyblogging. Or mommytweeting. Which is kind of the same thing, only with less monetizing. YET. This morning I asked Teh Twitter if anyone had any experience with a "happy spitter" (which I swear is an actual name for an actual thing) and at what age could I possibly expect Ike to stop barfing all the freaking time. The response was INSANE. I should've hashtagged that shit. Five hours later and we are still talking about it. So if you've been waiting for a reason to finally join Twitter, well. This is probably not it. This is probably the opposite of it. So. The "happy spitter." There are so many things wrong with that term I don't even know where to start. For one, Ike does not "spit up." That's what my other babies did -- the occasional burp with a side of cheese. "Oopsies! Spit-uppsies!" you might say in response, because having babies makes you say stupid shit like that. And then you grab a burp rag and gently dab at the side of their mouth and marvel at your ability to cope so well with... Read more →