Montessori Mayhem
September 01, 2011
This one starts preschool next week. We visited his classroom and met his teacher this morning, and by "visited" and "met" I actually mean "ransacked" and "terrorized."
His teacher is a Nice Young Man (SAYS THE DECREPIT OLD LADY) who just moved here from Portland and introduces himself to his little students as their "teacher...or guide, whatever you want, you know?" Another mother thought that was a beautiful way to look at things, while I was all, hippies! Awesome. It's high time somebody taught these resource-hogs how to compost.
The school is Montessori, so the classroom is filled with impeccably ordered shelves of wooden blocks and shapes and flashcards...and then lots of weird shit, like antique metal bells and a towel-folding station. It all has A Point, of course, and is Deeply Educational. The children wash up in an old-fashioned water basin and are expected to be be gentle with breakable plates and vases. The atmosphere is serene and peaceful, like something frozen in time from a gentler, simpler age.
So of course Ezra barrelled in at top toddler speed, all WHERE MY GARISH PLASTIC DISNEY-PIXAR LICENSED CHARACTER CRAP BE AT?
He shot around the room like a pinball on speed: HEY LOOK AT DIS LOOK AT DIS HEY LOOK AT DIS WHAT DIS HEY LOOK
His teacher tried to trail behind him, torn between answering the endless rhetorical questions ("WHAT DIS IT'S AN EGG" "Actually, that's an ellipsoid, and..." "I EAT DAT EGG FOR DINNER WHAT DIS") and frantically trying to preserve the perfect order of the shelves and straighten up the path of destruction Ezra was leaving in his wake.
I mostly just stood there, trying to pretend that something totally out of the ordinary was happening here, and I think I may have managed to say "He's not usually so..." but couldn't finish the sentence, because 1) LIE, and 2) Ezra had found a pair of scissors and was headed towards the bead wall with them ohhhhhhh dear.
His teacher finally backed off and announced that perhaps it was best if we just "let Ezra get all the exploration out of the way now, before school starts." I eyed Ezra (who at this point had decided it was "snack time" and was placing wooden rulers on the tables as stand-ins for granola bars) and calculated the odds that he would, AT ANY POINT IN TIME, decide that yes, indeed, all the exploration was "out of the way" and settle down. I put those odds pretty squarely at NO, NEVER, but you know. I didn't go to a Montessori preschool with fancy "fraction circles" and "ellipsoids." My math skills probably suffered as a result.
"You know, I think I'll start Ezra off with dusting," his teacher decided. "The kids just love dusting all the things!"
I nodded my approval at the idea of manual labor right as Ezra upended a small metal bucket containing about 200 tiny paper fraction cards. The remainder of the visit was spent coaxing him into cleaning them up, which he did, finally, after I threatened him in a most un-Montessori manner with never coming back to school ever again in his whole life.
Whatever. It worked. And then he even went around and retrieved all the rulers off the tables and put them away without being asked.
"See you next week, Ezra," his teacher said. He looked a little scared, yes. He handed me an 'About My Child' form to fill out and send back in. It asks parents to write a short paragraph on the back; I'm thinking of doing something interpretive, like a doodle of a tornado that shoots laser beams.
Before we left, I had to find the school's director and turn in a huge stack of OTHER forms that I'd already filled out -- forms that I think were due a few days ago, but whatever, Ezra is my second child, and my first kid was threatened with expulsion, therefore the Imaginary Preschool Authority Figures no longer scare me. When it's Ike's turn for preschool I'll probably fill out the forms in a yellow highlighter sometime over Christmas break.
The director chatted with Ezra for a couple minutes and then cooed over the baby, who had spent the entire visit conked out in his carseat in a corner. She asked his name.
"Ike," I said, and she reacted with resounding approval.
"That is such a great name! Like from South Par..." She caught herself and looked at me in alarm, worried that she'd just insulted the brand-new family by comparing their preshus snowflake baybee's name to an R-rated cartoon show.
"DON'T KICK THE BABY!" I said, probably a little too loudly. "Yes! Exactly. We may have done that on purpose, a little."
"That's awesome," she nodded. "I freaking love South Park."
Yeah. I kind of freaking love this school already.
I hope Ezra freaking loves it too.
Having a crummy day and the internet wasn't bringing me the usual array of unicorns, and then I read "a doodle of a tornado that shoots laser beams" and I laughed out loud.
So thank you for that. I can't wait to hear The Further Adventures of Ezra Brings the Pain to a Bunch of Hippies.
Posted by: hodgepodge | September 01, 2011 at 02:17 PM
Oh, hodgepodge, thank YOU for making it even funnier w/Ezra Brings the Pain. Because the interpretive tornado is what made me laugh for the first time today.
Posted by: Arnebya | September 01, 2011 at 02:23 PM
A doodle of a tornado that shhots laser beams? Spat upon my laptop with that one! Can't wait to hear more about the Ezra Chronicles :)
Posted by: Starbuck | September 01, 2011 at 02:25 PM
Sounds perfect!! We made a giant scene at preschool today too. Three kids FTW!
Posted by: Becca | September 01, 2011 at 02:25 PM
I love that the director totally gets you.
Posted by: liz | September 01, 2011 at 02:27 PM
This made my day.
My oldest in in her third and final year of Montessori and she woefully informed her little sister yesterday: "Everything at my school is made out of wood. THAT'S NOT EVEN PAINTED."
Posted by: Jenna | September 01, 2011 at 02:33 PM
@hodgepodge YOU WIN AT THE INTERNET.
Posted by: Amalah | September 01, 2011 at 02:35 PM
Oh dear. I know that this is exactly how my son will behave once he's ready for preschool. But he's my first so I'm going to be all nervous and self-conscious and cringing... sigh.
Posted by: Erin | September 01, 2011 at 02:37 PM
Oh dear. I know that this is exactly how my son will behave once he's ready for preschool. But he's my first so I'm going to be all nervous and self-conscious and cringing... sigh.
Posted by: Erin | September 01, 2011 at 02:37 PM
Dusting?? WTF? And thanks for the link so I can try that at home now! How do you think my 14 & 11 yo's will do with that task? They didn't go to montessori school, so didn't learn it there. =) Your description of Ez reminds me of my boy (the 11 yo).
Posted by: Rachel | September 01, 2011 at 02:54 PM
The pictures of the kids the last few days, what the hell have you done with those babies? Didn't either you or Jason notice that aliens came in and put boys in their places? Jesus, quit feeding them so their growth will stunt a little. And don't think having Ike makes up for it...okay it does a little.
Posted by: Lisa V | September 01, 2011 at 02:54 PM
As a preschool teacher (of the non-montessori variety) who gets to read those "About my child" forms, I'd appreciate the drawing! They get tiresome after awhile. My school asks parents for 3 words to describe their child and everyone either uses "sensitive" or "energetic" as one of their words- I'm always happy to get a completely different answer.
Posted by: Julia | September 01, 2011 at 03:10 PM
Awesome! I love Montessori (went to one for pre-school about a 100 years ago) and I dabbled in it myself for a while as I searched for my grown-up self. Ezra will grow into his environment and be totally fine. I'm so glad you found a great school for him!
Posted by: Michelle @ A Little P | September 01, 2011 at 03:23 PM
That comic link was exactly what I needed, this being my brain dead collapse onto the internet after a couple hours of being an adult aka caring for a screaming baby.
Posted by: SarahB | September 01, 2011 at 03:50 PM
Dude! We totally love Montessori in our house! I have two boys, 7 and 8, they both went to Montessori pre-school, kindergarten and are currently in a Montessori elementary school (I am currently doing the "my kids are back in school" happy dance). We thought for sure we'd need to send the younger boy to Military school and really had no hopes of him ever graduating college. Now, he's a role model for younger students and putting his own shit AWAY! Montessori teaches so many awesome things like sweeping, dusting, washing your hands correctly, putting things AWAY, and most famously, peeing comfortably while the bathroom door is open. Montessori, obviously, did not help mommy to stop swearing... but other than that - it's completely DOPE and AWESOME!
Posted by: Melodie Simmons | September 01, 2011 at 03:57 PM
OOoh, I love Montessori. Also, polishing. Wait until he gleefully asks you if you have any silver to polish! Life skills works are the best.
Posted by: Jessi | September 01, 2011 at 03:58 PM
Ezra teacher needs to loosen up a little, man.
Because I would have been peeing my pants laughing watching him tear around that room. Especially when he was going to "EAT DAT EGG."
I'm with Hodgepodge, this needs to be a recurring series. Only Ezra is now named "The Blonde Tornado."
Posted by: Txtingmrdarcy | September 01, 2011 at 04:12 PM
All of this, ALL OF IT, was awesome. I can imagine the scared look in the teacher's eyes, haha.
Posted by: Olivia | September 01, 2011 at 04:22 PM
"I'm thinking of doing something interpretive, like a doodle of a tornado that shoots laser beams."
This is why I make your blog a vital part of my day. Thank you!
Posted by: Karen | September 01, 2011 at 04:35 PM
Ez's "WHAT DIS?" rampage reminded me of Jack Skellington's song "What's This?"
Posted by: Rebecca | September 01, 2011 at 04:43 PM
...still laughing at the tornado image almost an hour later...
Posted by: Joy | September 01, 2011 at 04:59 PM
OMG, I just blogged about the exact same thing! Mine, although an equal terror, was so nervous about the whole experience. And this one is my first and I didn't fill out the paperwork either...oops! My second is screwed!
Posted by: Heli | September 01, 2011 at 05:05 PM
I love when you write about Ezra like this. Because I think, YAY it's not just my kid who could play the Tazmanian devil.
Posted by: Issa | September 01, 2011 at 05:24 PM
Re: The dusting... You might be surprised. I worked with 3- and 4-year-olds over the summer, and they were in charge of wiping down the tables and chairs after meal/snack times and messy play times, and while some of them weren't a fan, most of them LOVED it. Once they started wiping, they just kept going. And even though that age group might not be the most skilled of cleaners, once a dozen of them had wiped a table for 5 minutes, it was pretty darn clean!
Posted by: tadpoledrain | September 01, 2011 at 05:34 PM
Re: The dusting... You might be surprised. I worked with 3- and 4-year-olds over the summer, and they were in charge of wiping down the tables and chairs after meal/snack times and messy play times, and while some of them weren't a fan, most of them LOVED it. Once they started wiping, they just kept going. And even though that age group might not be the most skilled of cleaners, once a dozen of them had wiped a table for 5 minutes, it was pretty darn clean!
Posted by: tadpoledrain | September 01, 2011 at 05:34 PM
Oh, so funny. Sometimes I'm glad my second was a girl (okay, often), because even though she climbs things her brother never even considered, she's not quite the constant whirlwind of destruction that he was. Is.
And how great is it to meet a male preschool teacher? Pretty unusual.
Posted by: Christine | September 01, 2011 at 05:36 PM
Instead of a paragraph, would you please just write www.amalah.com? They'll TOTALLY get it. In fact, I'm pretty sure the director will invite you in to do a whole day or deodorant activities. SO happy the school is great!!!!!!
Posted by: Jen L. | September 01, 2011 at 05:56 PM
Instead of a paragraph, would you please just write www.amalah.com? They'll TOTALLY get it. In fact, I'm pretty sure the director will invite you in to do a whole day or deodorant activities. SO happy the school is great!!!!!!
Posted by: Jen | September 01, 2011 at 05:56 PM
This kid is full of so much Awesome!
Posted by: Suzy Q | September 01, 2011 at 06:11 PM
Oh, and I LOVE that you linked to Hyperbole and a Half. Every time I try to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS, I think of her. And I fail, yet again, to get all of things cleaned.
Posted by: Suzy Q | September 01, 2011 at 06:13 PM
THANK YOU. From a Montessori teacher that just came off a hellish day :)
From this side of the work rug: dude, seriously. Just be yourself. I love love love the parents that are normal, try their best, and fess up when it doesn't all come up roses... and also realize, teachers are people too. I have a hard time with the other type of parent.
Also. Thank You for giving Ez such an awesome opportunity.
Posted by: beth | September 01, 2011 at 07:15 PM
We're headed for Montessori next year-thanks for blazing the trail! Can't wait to hear about it from your perspective.
Posted by: Margie | September 01, 2011 at 07:28 PM
You make me laugh. Out loud.
Posted by: Barb | September 01, 2011 at 08:00 PM
OH MY GOODNESS. I LOVE U. You make me laugh out loud, for the first time all day. Ezra. . . and my fave part 3rd child, filling out the forms in yellow highlighter at christmas. you are NUTS. LOVE IT!!!
Posted by: erin | September 01, 2011 at 08:07 PM
Ah, just what I needed, to catch up on the humorous side of parenting!
Thx for always presenting the reality and hysteria so well - still wiping tears from my eyes!
Posted by: Danielle | September 01, 2011 at 08:10 PM
I loved our son's Montessori school. LOVED it. I have been devastated for two years now over leaving it, and feel like we have totally gypped our daughter since we weren't able to provide her with the same start. *sniff*
Posted by: Danell | September 01, 2011 at 08:35 PM
I freaking love Ezra
Posted by: Sheila | September 01, 2011 at 09:20 PM
@hodgepodge Please be my friend immediately.
Posted by: KimAZ | September 01, 2011 at 09:30 PM
After a terrible day of a Buzz Lightyear sticker on my ass probably all day, someone calling me ma'am; making me feel old as hell and a cup of water thrown on me at bath time from a teeth brushing they didn't want, you are always here to make me laugh! I'm not sure how I ran across your blog a few months ago, but I'm so glad I did! Love you and your boys. Also, after you posted about the Mamaroo, I ordered it...saved my life!!!!
Posted by: Mandy | September 01, 2011 at 10:15 PM
My dear pal Matt's son Blake used to have a preschool teacher who referred to him as "the blond earthquake."
Posted by: Bear | September 01, 2011 at 10:49 PM
Oh, I adore Ezra... Can't wait to hear about his adventures!
Posted by: tracey | September 01, 2011 at 10:52 PM
I have read that dusting thing a dozen times now and I still can't get past step 3.
That particular post of hyperbole and a half is burned on my brain.
"tornado that shoots laser beams."
HA!
Posted by: Colet | September 01, 2011 at 10:52 PM
I only have one kid and the preschool was still hounding me for the forms right before X-Mas break! I think you're doing pretty damn good there. :)
Oh yeah...sounds like Ezra may be teaching the Oregon hippie "guide" a thing or two! Have fun!
Posted by: Janessa | September 01, 2011 at 11:48 PM
Like everyone else, I can't stop laughing at this one...perhaps your funniest ever!
Posted by: Bev | September 02, 2011 at 12:36 AM
1) I lurvve me some Zah. And I will be calling him that out here in the internetland forevermore.
2) That first Clean All the Things picture? Is how I look every other Thursday before the cleaners I can't really afford but cannot live without come, teeth and all.
3) My paragraph will read, "I call her Destructo."
Posted by: kim | September 02, 2011 at 01:28 AM
OMG...I love love LOVE this story. I am cracking up over here!
Posted by: Natalie | September 02, 2011 at 08:44 AM
mwahahaha! A tornado that shoots lazer beams!
We called our Maxx "Beaufort Richter" for quite a while when he was about Ezra's age. He was like an alien storm - our household (and those of extended family members) had never seen anything that could wreak so much destruction so fast in the history of ever.
(BTW: Beaufort=scale for measuring wind storms, Richter=earthquakes. You all get the picture.)
Posted by: Virginia | September 02, 2011 at 10:30 AM
Hilarious! Tornado that shoots laser beams- LMAO!
Posted by: Cathy | September 02, 2011 at 12:15 PM
Hilarious.
You might have inspired me to fill out all future paperwork in yellow highlighter. I just love the imaage of the directors trying to figure out who the hell did it, perhaps tracing over the outline with pencil. Like a secret decoder? Fantastic.
Good luck to Ezra..and his hippie teacher!
Posted by: The Mommy Therapy | September 02, 2011 at 01:00 PM
That dusting tutorial is hilarious. The instructions are so long!
Posted by: Tracy | September 02, 2011 at 01:34 PM
Yesterday I read it as "tomato" and thought of the big tomato fight that just took place in Spain, which seemed appropriately splatty, but odd. Now I see it was "tornado". Ah.
Posted by: Meg | September 02, 2011 at 02:07 PM
DUSTING? Does this fancy hippy school take 37 year old men??
Posted by: French Kate | September 02, 2011 at 03:08 PM
I'm sitting here, mouth agape, after clicking the Dusting link and reading that Dusting Properly is a 23-step process.
Whoever developed that probably has an action list describing at what angle one must carry one's body mass in order to ride the bicycle properly, no?
Posted by: Della | September 02, 2011 at 04:15 PM
My tornado that shoots laser beams is tearing our hotel room apart and pulling outlet covers out (oh, crap!). He shares a middle name with Homer Simpson. Technically, it's after a deceased relative, but don't think I didn't consider that first bit an added bonus.
Posted by: Mouse | September 02, 2011 at 04:25 PM
I was all set to make fun of Montessori (gotta appreciate Ezra's reaction in the face of a forced-serenity environment), but if they're teaching preschoolers to clean house, how bad can it be?
Posted by: -k- | September 02, 2011 at 04:27 PM
And, re: South Park, my sister has a yellow lab named Butters, but people who don't know always drop the "s," thinking he's named for his color.
Posted by: Mouse | September 02, 2011 at 04:28 PM
Oh my that brings back memories. I'm afraid at first Montessori and my daughter weren't a good fit. She actually BIT another child...making me the "horrible mother with the biting child" for awhile but by the end of the year she was sad we had to leave (we moved). I hope Ezra's teacher is prepared for how real children behave LOL!
Posted by: Rebecca Van Hout | September 03, 2011 at 12:03 AM
I love that the preschool lady got the SP reference. Sounds like you all will fit in just perfectly there :) HA
Posted by: Jen | September 03, 2011 at 08:02 AM
I cannot thank you ENOUGH for mentioning that your child is kind of like a tornado with laser beams shooting out from it. My kid is like that too, and I so often feel like the only one who has to deal with that. I remember when I was trying to find daycare for her, interviewing a lovely grandmother who had shelf after shelf of china knick-knacks, all well within toddler reach ... Nicest lady in the world, but WHOA, that wouldn't have worked. Nice to know other parents double as tornado-wranglers too.
Posted by: adequatemom | September 05, 2011 at 11:02 AM
I freaking love you (not in a freaky way) but because you made me snort with laughter on this post. There are times when you make me cry, make me tear up, make me feel..... and it's very hard to do with just words ,
you are a very special lady Amy.
Posted by: victoria | September 06, 2011 at 06:46 PM
Man, this post is making me hungry. I'm going to go get me some hard boiled ellipsoids...
Posted by: mrsmouthy | September 06, 2011 at 11:06 PM