This Mortal Coil
October 07, 2011
I dropped my mom off at the train station yesterday, and she fretted over leaving so soon. Jason wasn't going to get home until the wee hours of the morning, so was I sure I would be okay without her that night? All on my own?
I laughed. Come on, Mom. I can handle one measly night alone with my own children. I've done it before, you know.
That's the conversation that kept running through my head a few hours later, when the oven caught on fire.
I'd just finished heating up some fish sticks for the boys -- the nerdy homemade kind, full of vegetables and healthy crap that always disappoint Noah because what happened to the rectangle kind, Mom? From the bo-o-ox? -- and was starting to steam some broccoli for my dinner. (Broccoli that I was planning to utterly drench in cheese sauce, however, lest you think I'm some kind of healthy wizard, or something.)
I heard a loud pop, like a blown light bulb, and saw a bright white flash from the general direction of the stove, like metal in the microwave.
Something had sparked in the oven. Something was still sparking and hissing and glowing red. Something else was burning, with actual fiery flames.
Um, fuck?
I opened the door (DUMBASS) to see what was happening and...okay, the heating coil was sparking and freaking out and then random bits of filthiness and crap from the bottom of the oven that we hardly ever clean (DOUBLE DUMBASS) were catching on fire as the coil snapped and fizzed.
I slammed the door shut and turned the oven off. When this failed to solve All The Problems I went for the fire extinguisher.
It occurred to me that I have never actually used a fire extinguisher in my life. This occurred to me right as I noticed the words "STAND BACK SIX FEET" printed on the instructions. I noticed these words right after I blasted the thing at the oven, which I was standing directly next to.
While I was choking and gagging on the cloud of...whatever it is that comes out of a fire extinguisher and frantically opening doors and windows, Noah cheerfully asked for some milk.
NOT NOW OKAY MOMMY'S BUSY.
The fire extinguisher succeeded in killing the extraneous filth fires, but the coil continued to glow and crackle and shoot off sparks and smoke. And it was...moving, from the back of the oven towards the front, like that scene in The Money Pit right before the entire kitchen blows the fuck up.
I stood there and debated my next move. I settled on chewing on the inside of my cheeks and wondering when a grown-up would arrive to help me.
When this also failed to solve Any Of The Problems I wondered if I should call 911. Get the kids out of the house, sit outside and wait for the fire department to come fight a fire that wasn't really a fire, but just, uh, I don't know. A VERY ANGRY OVEN.
No, I decided. I was not going to be the mother -- the person -- who got all spooked out over a malfunctioning oven coil and called 911 because she had no problem solving skills. Fuck you, oven. I was going to DEAL WITH THIS.
Free Business Idea For Google: Make a version streamlined for emergencies, that senses if someone is frantically trying to look up things like "OVEN FIRE" and "ELECTRICAL COIL THINGIE BURNING" and "HOLY SHIT NOW WHAT," you send them directly to a result that tells them what to do.
Instead, I got a page full of forum topics and OH THE IRONY, multiple complaints about defective heating elements catching fire in MY OVEN MODEL THANKS GE SPECTRA. The first link I clicked was a message board where someone described my exact predicament and said that the fire didn't stop until he unplugged the oven. And then the first response was from an "electrician" who claimed that what the OP was describing never happened and wasn't possible and it was probably just a grease fire and HOLY HELL I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOUR "PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN" ARGUMENT.
I spent all of about 15 seconds speed-reading through Google results and content farm garbage before gathering that I needed to unplug the oven. Okay! That's easy enough.
Um.
Hmm.
Where...does the oven plug in? Right behind it? In one of the cabinets? WHY DON'T I KNOW THESE THINGS SOMEBODY REVOKE MY IN-CHARGE-OF-OTHER-PEOPLE PRIVILEGES.
I opened several cabinets and yanked out the contents to see if there was an outlet visible in the back. No luck. I stepped back and stared at the oven and took a deep breath. Okay. IT'S ON MOTHERFUCKER.
I grabbed it by the sides and started pulling it away from the wall. Noah repeated his request for milk and pointed out that Baby Ike was crying in his swing on the other side of the room.
I KNOW SWEETIE BUT MOMMY IS STILL BUSY DEMONSTRATING SUPER-HUMAN STRENGTH TO SAVE YOUR LIVES OVER HERE OKAY
I managed to get the oven a few feet away from the wall, enough space for me to scramble over the countertop and reach behind for the cord and see that it...went directly into the floor, through a hole cut into the hardwood floors, and then disappeared to God-knows-where.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME COME ON
Okay, fine. FINE. Circuit breaker time. I ran downstairs to the basement and was immediately faced with some challenges:
1) The fusebox and circuit breakers are in the far, far back corner.
1a) In front of which we have been thoughtlessly hoarding an incredible pile of miscellaneous and randomly hurled junk.
1b) The only lightbulb in the vicinity of that corner has burned out, because who cares? LOOK AT ALL THAT JUNK.
1c) The labels for all the circuits were written very small, in pencil, several years ago by an electrician with terrible spelling and handwriting.
1d) Oh, did I mention that Jason is pretty sure he saw a snake down there a couple weeks ago?
1e) And we put down traps but haven't caught anything yet?
1f) BUT THE OVEN WAS ON FUCKING FIRE.
So I did what any mother who just left her three defenseless children alone upstairs in the general vicinity of a volatile appliance (though to be fair, I did scream "ANYBODY WHO GETS OUT OF THEIR SEAT IS GOING TO BED" before I ran downstairs): I barreled through and up the pile of junk with bare feet and no flashlight, only to discover that I could not make out ANY of the labels and had no idea which circuit to turn off.
So I threw the main breaker and killed the power to the entire house.
And then. Dilemma. I was sitting in the far corner of a pitch-black basement, on top of a rickety pile of boxes and baby exersaucers and broken Ikea furniture. I could assume that cutting the power solved the oven problem and just turn everything back on, OR I could stumble back upstairs to check on the situation and try to make my way back here, hopefully with a flashlight.
I inadvertently solved that dilemma by accidentally falling ass over teakettle OFF the pile of crap, knocking over a bulk-sized bag of dog food in the process.
At this point I realized my children were screaming.
Oh no. Oh no no no MOMMY'S COMING WHAT'S WRO--
--THUD. I miscalculated the path out of the basement and ran facefirst into the wall.
The boys were crying because they were scared. Really, really scared.
And yet they'd both run into the foyer to huddle around Baby Ike, who was also crying.
The oven was dark. It worked. I dropped to the floor and tried to give everyone hugs and reassurances and not to worry about oh my God, alllllll the doors and windows are open and the neighbors are probably able to hear all this screaming, which was seriously at home-invasion-murder-van volume levels.
"It's okay! It's okay! Mommy had to turn the lights off but everything is fine and I'll get a flashlight and have everything turned back on in five minutes, okay?"
...
Hey, anybody remember that scene in the first Jurassic Park when they shut off the power to reboot the system? And then they have to go flip some circuit breakers "just at the other end of the compound" to turn it back on and Samuel L. Jackson's all, "No biggie, I'll do it, I'm Samuel L. Fucking Jackson," and THEN HE GETS EATEN BY RAPTORS?
Yeah, me neither.
I dug around our kitchen junk drawer for a flashlight. I kept thinking I'd found one but kept picking up the same goddamn screwdriver over and over. Finally I remembered we'd stuck a bunch of them in the coat closet in preparation for Hurricane Irene. I found two of them...
...neither of which had batteries.
WHAT THE WHO DOES THAT COME ON
Back to the junk drawer. All three children are still screaming at the top of their lungs. I manage to get batteries in one of the flashlights, guessing with my fingers as to which direction they're supposed to go, but it still doesn't work. Noah is convinced that we are all going to die and is yelling for "somebody" to come help us. I ignore this vote of confidence and try putting the batteries in the other direction, but still no luck. The flashlight is broken. I hurl it out the open back door just fucking because and start fumbling with the next one, realizing a moment too late that it requires the same size batteries as the one I just threw into the backyard.
At this point I'd probably been fighting with the damn flashlights for longer than the oven even burned, but I didn't dare try to navigate the basement without one. (SNAKE.) Finally, I get one working and the boys threw themselves at it like terrified little moths. I want them to STAY PUT while I head downstairs but they will have none of it, determined to stay as close to me and the light -- the glorious, holy light -- as possible.
So that's why Noah fell down the basement stairs, right around this point.
OH MY GOD COME ON
I stopped to make sure he was okay but instead of his usual theatrics he all but screamed at me to leave him behind and get the lights back on. DAMMIT WOMAN I'LL JUST SLOW YOU DOWN.
I scale the pile of junk and spilled dog food one last time and throw the switch. Everything comes back on. The boys rejoice. Ike continues to howl, because uh, lights are great and all, but I am mostly interested in some boob.
But we were all okay, the oven fire was out, and everybody got all the hugs they wanted. Including me.
EPILOGUE #1: Nobody ate their fish sticks, but I gave them chocolate milk anyway. I ate potato chips while watching Project Runway, because my broccoli got ruined and I was in no mood for any cheese sauce that did not come out of a can.
EPILOGUE #2: I was also in no mood to scrub fire extinguisher chemicals from the inside of our oven and several nearby surfaces until after midnight, but I did that too.
EPILOGUE #3: Jason got home around 2 am and said I mumbled something in my sleep about clocking out and it being "his turn," but I wouldn't say for what.
EPILOGUE #4: Replacement coil will be here tomorrow. Currently keeping situation under control through the Power of the Stinkeye, also eating out.
Haha! I'm glad everyone survived. I would need several days of heavy drinking to get over that...
Posted by: SweetMonkeyCreek | October 07, 2011 at 03:21 PM
Woah. That is scary. And a reminder to put batteries in the flashlight and actually familiarize myself with our fire extinguisher because I am certain both would fail me in an emergency as well.
Posted by: kristen howerton | October 07, 2011 at 03:24 PM
SNAKE!!!!
Actually I think you handled that about as well as, umm, I would have.
Okay, I realize this is not saying much.
Posted by: sweetney | October 07, 2011 at 03:24 PM
SNAKE!!!!
Actually I think you handled that about as well as, umm, I would have.
Okay, I realize this is not saying much.
Posted by: sweetney | October 07, 2011 at 03:24 PM
Holy fuck, I'm exhausted for you.
Posted by: Jen O. | October 07, 2011 at 03:27 PM
Holy fuck, I'm exhausted for you.
Posted by: Jen O. | October 07, 2011 at 03:27 PM
I would have thrown way more things than one flashlight, so you get my Epic Composure in the Face of Disaster Award.
Posted by: kdiddy | October 07, 2011 at 03:28 PM
You are an amazing and hilarious woman!
Posted by: Laura | October 07, 2011 at 03:28 PM
Now that it's all over and no one got hurt (uh, except you went you hit the wall with your face and Noah when he fell down the stairs), this made me cry-laff all over the internets.
Also, very damn glad I don't have a GE Spectra stove. Jesus wept.
Posted by: hodgepodge | October 07, 2011 at 03:29 PM
What an amazing story. I laughed. I cried. My favorite part: when the boys huddled around Baby Ike. Glad everyone is all right!
Posted by: donkwala | October 07, 2011 at 03:31 PM
wow, you are totally some kind of super hero!
(ps: if it's an electric oven, then it's 220V which is usually 2 breaker switches.) but I would personally have escaped the house - unwilling to go near the snake.
So yeah, I guess you were able to handle things.
Posted by: lisa | October 07, 2011 at 03:31 PM
You deserve take out Chinese food. Also, hilarious retelling of something that was not at all hilarious at the time.
I have a flashlight that plugs into the wall outlet. Therefore it is always charged. My daughter broke our old one and when I bought the new one, I discovered new magic. This one TURNS ON AUTOMATICALLY if the power goes out. Genius.
Posted by: HereWeGoAJen | October 07, 2011 at 03:33 PM
Other than that, how was your day?!
Seriously, I hope that does it for the bad stuff and you all enjoy a beautiful long, drama-free weekend!
Oh, and since we are famous for having multiple "dead battery receptacles" (aka flashlights) around our house, we now have a rechargeable one plugged in the laundry room.
Posted by: Emily | October 07, 2011 at 03:33 PM
Good god. A testament to your kids and your parenting though, for my children would very likely been engulfed in flames as soon as I turned my back.
Posted by: Summer | October 07, 2011 at 03:40 PM
Holy fuck.
Posted by: Melissa | October 07, 2011 at 03:43 PM
OK is it weird that I was holding my breath? WTF YOU'RE LIVING MY LIFE what with the stupid ass unbatteried flashlights and that one damned screwdriver fucking it up for everybody changing its position inside the junkiest kitchen side drawer ever. Our circuit breakers are color coded WHAT? What do the damn colors STAND FOR THOUGH?
And SNAKE! I'm convinced I saw one at the edge of the crawl space. Hubby wants to catch it. I want to move.
And seriously. I knew they'd howl when you offed the lights. I knew it.
Posted by: Arnebya | October 07, 2011 at 03:43 PM
1. HOLY SHIT 2. I'm now terrified of that happening to me/my oven 3. Haha! 4. HOLY SHIT
Posted by: C @ Kid Things | October 07, 2011 at 03:45 PM
1. HOLY SHIT 2. I'm now terrified of that happening to me/my oven 3. Haha! 4. HOLY SHIT
Posted by: C @ Kid Things | October 07, 2011 at 03:45 PM
Laughing so hard I've now got to fix mah damn mascara!
I nearly fell off my chair when I got to "DAMMIT WOMAN I'LL JUST SLOW YOU DOWN"
Glad you all got your hugs.
Posted by: Lorrian | October 07, 2011 at 03:49 PM
Oh how I love the posts that end with the tag "breathtaking dumbness." I can't, I just... OMG, I know you had to go through Hell (or put yourself through Hell) to end a post with that tag, but these are golden nuggets of 110% hilarity. I hope you woke up to bloody mary's and someone giving you a foot massage, because, seriously. Do I *HAVE* to explain?
Posted by: SUPAHMAMA | October 07, 2011 at 03:50 PM
Ahahaha!! You are hilariously crazy! Same thing happened to my oven, only I ran out in the street barefoot with Diana Ross like hair screaming for help. One neighbor brought a fire extinguisher and the other a drink.
Glad Jason's back. lol
Posted by: Victoria | October 07, 2011 at 04:03 PM
Ahahaha!! You are hilariously crazy! Same thing happened to my oven, only I ran out in the street barefoot with Diana Ross like hair screaming for help. One neighbor brought a fire extinguisher and the other a drink.
Glad Jason's back. lol
Posted by: Victoria | October 07, 2011 at 04:03 PM
I read this on my phone in a bathroom stall at work. I'm pretty sure the person in the neighboring stall now thinks I'm insane, from all the suppressed laughter.
My oven coil did that once, minus the fire but with all the OMGWTF. When I called my landlady to report the oven's bizarre behavior, the response was basically, "Um, you're an idiot. It's just the oven coil. Go buy a new one."
I did not, however, have three screaming children at the time. Or a snake. So you win. At least it makes hilarious blog fodder.
Posted by: Heather | October 07, 2011 at 04:03 PM
Amy, this sounds like a really terrible evening, but I have to say it made for an awesome blog post. I laughed my butt off all the way through. A gold star for you, because you are awesome. I'm also really glad you didn't burn down your house.
Posted by: Emma | October 07, 2011 at 04:05 PM
Amy, this sounds like a really terrible evening, but I have to say it made for an awesome blog post. I laughed my butt off all the way through. A gold star for you, because you are awesome. I'm also really glad you didn't burn down your house.
Posted by: Emma | October 07, 2011 at 04:05 PM
You need one or two wind-up torches strategically placed around the house (where you won't be able to find them in an emergency, of course!)
Posted by: Golfinggrannie | October 07, 2011 at 04:10 PM
When I was 12, I was babysitting my mom's bosses kids. They lived two or so blocks away from my parents' house. I was an experienced babysitter, and these kids were totally easy. They had some friends over and were playing quietly, so I decided to get dinner ready. They left us a frozen pizza, so I preheated the oven.
Which then started on fire.
I get the kids out of the house and call my parents, who are hosting a party. My mom comes running down the street. Luckily, I was smart enough to leave the oven door closed so the flames would go out. The fire department came and they pulled out a gloppy mess of charred balls and plastic. It turns out that the mother didn't want to be tempted by donut holes, so she hid them. In the fucking oven.
I check the oven before I preheat now.
Posted by: kristin | October 07, 2011 at 04:10 PM
Wow! that was quite a night you had. Your written version of it made a very exciting read.
But, do you think that oven--which is obviously unsafe is going to be okay with a coil replacement? Are you sure the problem (and all the excitement) won't happen again a few years from now? I'm not sure to whom you report this kind of thing, but there must be some sort of consumer protection agency that would like to know about it.
Posted by: Arlene | October 07, 2011 at 04:12 PM
I felt so guilty the entire time I read this post because I could not. stop. laughing.
The best? DAMMIT WOMAN I'LL JUST SLOW YOU DOWN.
Glad that you still have a house.
Posted by: evsmarie | October 07, 2011 at 04:15 PM
Damn, woman, can you tell a story! So glad everyone is okay.
Can't wait to see the movie version.
Posted by: Life of a Doctor's Wife | October 07, 2011 at 04:19 PM
I'm sorry about you're oven situation and general cluelessness about what to do, but damn woman you're a good writer. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. As one of the other posters said above, I feel kind of guilty - but this: DAMMIT WOMAN I'LL JUST SLOW YOU DOWN. is comic genius.
Posted by: Kim T | October 07, 2011 at 04:19 PM
Holy shit fire Bat Man!
Posted by: Caroline | October 07, 2011 at 04:21 PM
Oh my goodness, you make a near death experience hilarious.
Note to self: Check what kind of oven we have.
Posted by: ladykay | October 07, 2011 at 04:29 PM
You handled that at least as well I as would have. This is my favorite part =>
WHY DON'T I KNOW THESE THINGS SOMEBODY REVOKE MY IN-CHARGE-OF-OTHER-PEOPLE PRIVILEGES.
These things always happen to me when my husband is out of town. The best is when I was out in a thunderstorm, frantically bailing water out of the basement window well because it was clogged with leaves and water was pouring out of said window and onto my laundry room floor below.
Posted by: Carrie (in MN) | October 07, 2011 at 04:36 PM
You handled that at least as well I as would have. This is my favorite part =>
WHY DON'T I KNOW THESE THINGS SOMEBODY REVOKE MY IN-CHARGE-OF-OTHER-PEOPLE PRIVILEGES.
These things always happen to me when my husband is out of town. The best is when I was out in a thunderstorm, frantically bailing water out of the basement window well because it was clogged with leaves and water was pouring out of said window and onto my laundry room floor below.
Posted by: Carrie (in MN) | October 07, 2011 at 04:36 PM
Lurker here who has decided to de-lurk in order to commend you for your general awesomeness at dealing with a situation which would have probably sent a lesser person (i.e. my utterly incompetent self) running for the hills.
I'm curious though, from your mention of that forum you stumbled across while trying to find a solution to the fire--is this a recurring problem for other people with your model of oven? Because that sounds like a really...terrifying/dangerous thing to have go wrong on a lot of ovens.
Anyway, major props to you for handling that so well!
Posted by: Katherine | October 07, 2011 at 04:37 PM
While I can only imagine how stressful it was at the time, this story made me laugh out loud. I had it under control until you got to the part with Noah and DAMN IT WOMAN I'LL JUST SLOW YOU DOWN.
Posted by: laziza | October 07, 2011 at 04:37 PM
Happened to me on an old stove over July holiday's exact same thing, once the realty office opened (days later) the sent out a tech who had never in his life seen it before and alas exact same thing to our setup minus the power is an easy unplug. I was making..........fish sticks and onion rings because I rock...aka the 7 kids would not stop driving me nuts (7 what was I thinking?) it has been 3 months with the new coil (hardest thing to install since the element was screwed into the back plate thing)
I think it is a fish consipiracy?
Posted by: Christina | October 07, 2011 at 04:41 PM
This was a seriously awesome post. So sorry that everything blew up while you were single parenting, but I hope you can laugh about it today!
Posted by: Becky | October 07, 2011 at 04:49 PM
How frightening for you! And how hilarious for us! Damn, woman, but you can make anything funny.
I think flashlights and batteries repel each other. I'm pretty sure the flashlight unscrews itself in the drawer so the batteries can run away to parts unknown. The best app I ever downloaded to my phone is a flashlight. I (almost) always know where my phone is, and I keep it charged.
Posted by: Lise | October 07, 2011 at 04:50 PM
I'm so glad I sat here and read this instead of running stupid errands. Because I'm so glad taht people have the same "revoke my taking-care-of-other-people privilges" experiences.
The glass door on our oven shattered once. That was exciting. Just cooking dinner when the loudest crash I had ever heard, followed by picking up 5 million tiny pieces of glass. Did I mention I had a crawler at the time. Yeah, ovens are scary places.
Posted by: Mommy Attorney | October 07, 2011 at 04:54 PM
I love Jurassic Park!
The coil on our oven burned out once and scared me so much I burst into tears. But that's mostly because it destroyed our dinner and hurt my feelings. While our coil was melting, once of the molten balls of whatever flew out and shattered my Pyrex casserole dish, flopping casserole all over my exploding oven.
Cue tears and terrified call to my mother, who told me to buck up and get a grip.
Posted by: Erika Mitchell | October 07, 2011 at 04:54 PM
I love Jurassic Park!
The coil on our oven burned out once and scared me so much I burst into tears. But that's mostly because it destroyed our dinner and hurt my feelings. While our coil was melting, once of the molten balls of whatever flew out and shattered my Pyrex casserole dish, flopping casserole all over my exploding oven.
Cue tears and terrified call to my mother, who told me to buck up and get a grip.
Posted by: Erika Mitchell | October 07, 2011 at 04:54 PM
Holy crap. I'm glad everyone's ok, but...holy crap. I'm not sure what my reaction would have been, but it would have involved flailing arms and yelling.
Posted by: Nicole | October 07, 2011 at 04:58 PM
Okay...soooo I'm not going to complain about my day anymore. But, yeah, you rock because you saved the day in spite of a fire, snake and crying. Wow!
Posted by: Babylicious | October 07, 2011 at 05:01 PM
I wish I were joking but the coil on our stove popped and flamed up on me earlier this week. I screamed, turned the oven off and gave it the stink eye as well. When the husband got home a couple hours later, he looked it over ( I never even thought to unplug it - fail! ) The coil was replaced today and I don't know that I want to try it out ya know??
Love that the boys protected Ike. Love love love that. My kids would of abandoned each other. Another fail.
Posted by: Trish | October 07, 2011 at 05:03 PM
OMG I was ROFL-ing while reading this post. You are hilarious. Love how the boys were protecting their baby brother Ike. You deserve some amazing takeout!
Posted by: Tammy | October 07, 2011 at 05:07 PM
First, glad you are okay! Second, that was frickin' awesome to read. Third, I think you get a free pass from cooking for at least a week. Maybe a decade. I'm going to go hug my gas (therefore coil free) oven now.
Posted by: KarenG | October 07, 2011 at 05:09 PM
Holy hell, woman. You know--these stories only ever happen to mommy bloggers. It's like another Murphy rule or something. :)
Glad you're all okay.
Posted by: Lindsay | October 07, 2011 at 05:09 PM
I am dying laughing. In my office. Must resist urge to repost on Facebook lest people think I'm not actually working.
Posted by: Bessa | October 07, 2011 at 05:15 PM
OMG, Amy! GO Mama!
The whole time I'm going "unplug it! Unplug it!" because I just had fire extinguisher training and learned that an electricity fire will not go out until the source of the electricity is removed. I didn't even think of the breakers! So thank you for thinking of that and putting it into my head if I ever have to confront such a thing. Hopefully I won't. *kow*
How incredibly sweet that Ezra and Noah went to Ike! Good big brothers, they are!
Posted by: Erin | October 07, 2011 at 05:36 PM
Oh man, Amy, you are my IDOL! Loved the retelling of the story, loved your sense of humor, and I love your boys just because they sound awesome ;) Your posts are my daily treat (I save them for when the baby is napping and I have a cup of coffee and some quiet time to myself!) and I laughed myself silly today. Thank you :)
Posted by: Carolyn | October 07, 2011 at 05:39 PM
Hi, I'm another lurker who decided to de-lurk. Wow. I was holding my breath while reading this post. You handled it better than I would have handled it.
I'm now going to go learn how to use the fire extinguisher in my kitchen.
Posted by: Emily B. | October 07, 2011 at 05:40 PM
Holy crap, I just almost woke my baby up laughing as I attempted to read this on my phone and cuddle her back to sleep. I don't thibk i know anyone else who can make an almost emergency situation as hilarious as that was.
Posted by: Victoriajane | October 07, 2011 at 05:48 PM
Oh, AMY. That was pretty damn heroic, braving a possible snake, a huge junk pile, and then pitch darkness to throw the circuit breaker. I would have lost my shit pretty much immediately. I'm a good ten years older than you and I STILL wonder when the grown ups are going to show up to help me when scary stuff happens.
And also, excellent storytelling as always! I was holding my breath right til the end.
Posted by: Elizabeth@Table for Five | October 07, 2011 at 05:54 PM
I was laughing myself out of my chair until I looked at the photo and recognized my oven. Crap.
Posted by: CJ | October 07, 2011 at 05:54 PM
I was laughing myself out of my chair until I looked at the photo and recognized my oven. Crap.
Posted by: CJ | October 07, 2011 at 05:54 PM
What C said. Double or triple. Also, am now packing the kids into the car, because last week when the fancy fig balsamic vinegar dripped all over the pantry floor, causing me to clean out the bottom for the first time in years, I discovered our fire extinguisher was empty. MUST REPLACE NOW. Because,y'know, C's #4.
Posted by: Kim | October 07, 2011 at 05:56 PM
I enjoy your posts so much!
Posted by: Katie | October 07, 2011 at 06:07 PM
Holy fuck. The best I came up with was closing the oven door, calming my mom, and calling 911 when our coil caught on fire a few years ago because neither of us know a damn thing about how to WORK our HOUSE, OMG, WHERE IS PAPA WHEN YOU NEED HIM.
Or Google. I didn't even think about that.
It's cool though. I got to oogle hot firemen.
Posted by: Kammah | October 07, 2011 at 06:09 PM
I just realized that I don't even know where our breaker box is. In the laundry room? Maybe?
Posted by: Cassie | October 07, 2011 at 06:11 PM
I just realized that I don't even know where our breaker box is. In the laundry room? Maybe?
Posted by: Cassie | October 07, 2011 at 06:11 PM
Ok, I was laughing along until I got to the bottom. And then I realized the picture looks an aweful lot like my stove. Um. May be spending some time searching recalls online tonight.
Posted by: Julie | October 07, 2011 at 06:16 PM
Ok, I was laughing along until I got to the bottom. And then I realized the picture looks an aweful lot like my stove. Um. May be spending some time searching recalls online tonight.
Posted by: Julie | October 07, 2011 at 06:16 PM
Oh man. That oven definitely needs some sort of naughty step / allowance cut / removal of internet privileges punishment.
As may I for laughing at various points during the story. Sorry about that. Glad you're all ok and weren't eaten by the snake.
Posted by: Sarah | October 07, 2011 at 06:31 PM
Jeez, what a nightmare. But a fun story!
If this ever happens again, or anything like it, please call 911. They will be HAPPY to help you with an oven fire. Just don't call them when you get a blister on your feet from dancing (true story).
Posted by: Suzy Q | October 07, 2011 at 06:38 PM
I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Thanks for a great story and a good laugh at your expense:) And you know, it is a gift to be able to see (or at least write about) the humor in a situation like that.
Posted by: Lisele | October 07, 2011 at 06:46 PM
Yay! Thank you for making me laugh, giggle, and tear up while reading this post!
It is totally setting me up for a great weekend.
That being said, I'm sorry all that happened to you! But I love reading your writing about it!
Enjoy the 'summer' weather this weekend! Long weekend? We're hitting the beach!
Posted by: Sheryl | October 07, 2011 at 06:53 PM
I think I'm going to clean the oven tonight. And replace the flashlight batteries. And label my circuit breakers. And find out where the stove plugs in. See, in addition to making me laugh, you have saved my family's LIFE!!
Posted by: Kara | October 07, 2011 at 07:10 PM
Wow. You are far braver than I am. I would consider 'my oven is on fire' to be 911-worthy. And probably would have called for take-out while waiting for the fire department.
Posted by: Jessica | October 07, 2011 at 07:12 PM
I'm imagining the confused lady in Customer Services on Monday who is going to have dozens of emails saying 'Amalah's cooker went on fire and I've got the same one'.
Posted by: gemma | October 07, 2011 at 07:31 PM
I'm imagining the confused lady in Customer Services on Monday who is going to have dozens of emails saying 'Amalah's cooker went on fire and I've got the same one'.
Posted by: gemma | October 07, 2011 at 07:33 PM
Wow. Evil oven. Poor you. Poor kids. I hope you also had a beer with those potato chips. At least. And that Jason's on duty for, ooh, at least the next two weeks.
Posted by: Christine | October 07, 2011 at 07:40 PM
You are BADASS!
That was utterly terrifying and yet hilarious all at the same time. I am amazed at how much you pull off in life, which makes me feel completely incapable. In all honesty, I have NO CLUE where our fuse box would be located or what the hell a circuit breaker is, would freak the fuck out in a dark house and don't own a fire extinguisher. And I also have three young boys (one a newborn). This post just motivated me to get my shit together in the emergency preparedness department. Damn, I feel like a helpless damsel in distress compared to you.
You are superwoman!
Posted by: Joanna | October 07, 2011 at 07:45 PM
Oh crap. I am looking at that last picture and realizing that that is my oven. I am now scared to cook. We must get takeout.
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!
But seriously...that is my oven...and I am slightly terrified...
Posted by: Liz | October 07, 2011 at 07:49 PM
That happened to our oven too except a fire never really broke out. We have a black Maytag glass top oven and there were 2 things wrong with it. The back burner popped and blew out AND the whole oven popped when I used the self cleaning function for the first time. Didn't stop me from using the oven over and over though. The repairman came over to fix it since it was still under warranty and rolled his eyes at my crazy non-safety minded use of the broken appliance.
Posted by: Amy | October 07, 2011 at 07:54 PM
That was simply too funny! I feel for you - the whole "I'll just slow you down!" line had tears running down my face!
Posted by: Bren | October 07, 2011 at 08:06 PM
That was simply too funny! I feel for you - the whole "I'll just slow you down!" line had tears running down my face!
Posted by: Bren | October 07, 2011 at 08:06 PM
Holy freakin' hilarious, Amalah!
Why does this stuff always happen to you?! Is that just me, or does an inordinate number of these crazy freak accidents seem to happen to you?
Posted by: M | October 07, 2011 at 08:10 PM
Firstly, so glad you are all safe. After that though....literally LOL'd. I'm sorry. The sort of story that is absolutely hilarious in telling....to everyone it didn't actually happen to!
Posted by: ksmaybe | October 07, 2011 at 08:49 PM
First: I'm so glad everyone is ok.
Second: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm only laughing because you're an amazing writer and because I'm pretty sure this is exactly how I would've handled it, right down to the running into a wall and throwing batteries out the window.
Posted by: marcoda | October 07, 2011 at 08:59 PM
So there I was reading your scary, hilarious story when I get to the part about the GE Spectra. Hmmmm, me thinks I have a GE but I don't think it's a Spec... Why yes it is; and oh, look since you so helpfully provided a picture I am able to confirm it's the exact same one. Eff me.
And then I started reading the Consumer Affairs link. Holy hell that's some scary shit - I think I might have to figure out a way to maybe, possibly break our stove just so we have to get a new one. (Don't anyone tell my husband.)
You were seriously brave and logical to try to fix your "dilemma" on your own, especially with the three kids (and the dog and cat!) there. No joke, if something like that happens to me before I can (break) replace mine I will remember what you did. Thanks!!
Posted by: Julie | October 07, 2011 at 09:04 PM
So there I was reading your scary, hilarious story when I get to the part about the GE Spectra. Hmmmm, me thinks I have a GE but I don't think it's a Spec... Why yes it is; and oh, look since you so helpfully provided a picture I am able to confirm it's the exact same one. Eff me.
And then I started reading the Consumer Affairs link. Holy hell that's some scary shit - I think I might have to figure out a way to maybe, possibly break our stove just so we have to get a new one. (Don't anyone tell my husband.)
You were seriously brave and logical to try to fix your "dilemma" on your own, especially with the three kids (and the dog and cat!) there. No joke, if something like that happens to me before I can (break) replace mine I will remember what you did. Thanks!!
Posted by: Julie | October 07, 2011 at 09:04 PM
I had a similar incident a few years ago, except it was a grease fire. Flames to the ceiling, screaming kids, blaring fire alarm. I about bailed with the kids and called 911 but then I got myself together and found the fire extinguisher. My kids still have PTSD from it to this day. Any food crumbs fall into the burners and start to burn they freak!
Posted by: Melissa | October 07, 2011 at 09:38 PM
1. Laughing my head off. Seriously.
2. Noah fell down the stairs? c'mon!
3. You scared the shit out of the snake.
4. Time to clean the basement. Seriously.
Posted by: mrs. q. | October 07, 2011 at 09:58 PM
I had a really rough week and I have to tell you, this made me laugh - and feel better - than anything has all week. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with days like this.
Glad everyone is ok!
Posted by: AngelaVan | October 07, 2011 at 10:10 PM
Oh my Lord! Thank you so much for the laugh!!!
Posted by: maggie | October 07, 2011 at 10:53 PM
I can't believe that happened to you. Wait. I guess I can. You handled it well. Go you. You are one amazing mama! I think I will put some batteries in the flashlight tonight!
Posted by: duffyje | October 07, 2011 at 11:01 PM
I feel bad that I'm laughing so much. Sounds like an awful thing to live through, but damn! What a good story! I especially love the noble self-sacrifice Noah made.
Posted by: Shannon | October 07, 2011 at 11:06 PM
@Lise I...I have the flashlight app on my phone. The phone I was holding in my hand. Googling. And shit. During the entire clusterfuck. I completely forgot about it.
/headdesk
Posted by: Amalah | October 07, 2011 at 11:12 PM
If you can take an event like this and have me: 1.sitting on the edge of my seat, 2. Laughing my ass off, 3. feeling like I was actually IN your home during these histrionics, then girl, you are officially a grown up. Zip up those big girl pants...you have ARRIVED...
Posted by: Barb | October 07, 2011 at 11:26 PM
I laughed my head off reading this. and then I read it to my husband. who also remembers our own coil of flame but we didn't have snakes or pitch black doom to deal with. I was hoping that it meant that my oven was dead (thus getting me NEW APPLIANCE TO COOK IN), but no, replacing the coil did the trick. sigh. (My husband laughed too. and wondered what kind of snake Jason saw. My husband actually likes most snakes. (yes, we're still married in spite of that fact.))
Posted by: Tracy | October 08, 2011 at 12:02 AM
I was that girl who called the fire department with a question about smoke pouring out of my OFF oven. They told me to keep an eye on it, so I got comfy and glanced at it every few minutes...... Imagine my surprise when the fire department stormed in my house in full gear, while I was laying on the couch drinking Diet Coke and reading Us Magazine. Probably not what they usually see when responding to a call :)
Posted by: Shauna | October 08, 2011 at 12:09 AM
I laughed until I cried. One of the funniest stories ever! Hope things calm down for you.
Posted by: Susan | October 08, 2011 at 12:13 AM
That is hee-lar-e-us. I love it. You are the best! The best mama, the best writer (I could pull so many examples off this post alone)...thank you for cracking me up! I can see the exhausting craziness that you endured but thank you for the hilarious retelling!
PS love that song
@Shauna - so funny!
Posted by: Heather | October 08, 2011 at 12:33 AM
And THANK YOU to the person who explained that an electrical fire will not go out until you unplug the electricity. I didn't know that. (Really. So you can imagine how well I would have done if this had happened to memememe.)
Posted by: Heather | October 08, 2011 at 12:36 AM
And THANK YOU to the person who explained that an electrical fire will not go out until you unplug the electricity. I didn't know that. (Really. So you can imagine how well I would have done if this had happened to memememe.)
Posted by: Heather | October 08, 2011 at 12:36 AM
MY OVEN DID THAT.
Only the horrible loud BZZZAAATTTting noise and the oh-look-it's-welding-itself sparks ended quickly on their own.
Because the heating element had MELTED THROUGH. Leaving a gap. Stopping the electricity.
Yay?
Posted by: Amanda | October 08, 2011 at 12:51 AM
This is kind of insane. I'm glad that you've all recovered from your oven's betrayal.
Posted by: Rachael | October 08, 2011 at 12:59 AM
Omg I had this EXACT thing happen to me, with my oven. I didn't have three babies, but I DID call 911 and the fire department came and my dad finally got home and unplugged the oven just as the fire fighters arrived. It was scary, and I felt dumb. But yeah. WTF OVENS? WHY ARE YOU POSESSED???
Posted by: Beth | October 08, 2011 at 03:22 AM