Assorted Epilogues

How Bad Was My Weekend

...let me COUNT THE WAYS.

I cleaned vomit off the top bunk.

I cleaned vomit off the bottom bunk.

I cleaned vomit off the bunk bed ladder and the floor.

I cleaned one child's vomit out of the hair of another.

I cleaned up after the world's grossest fucking diaper, BAR NONE.

I cleaned up...the crib. Enough said.

I cleaned vomit off the wall of the nursery, and the rocking chair.

Also my brand-new, dry-clean-only sweater that I was stupidly wearing because that was before reality set in and all hope was shattered into a million disgusting, crusty pieces.

I called the on-call pediatrician to find out if I needed to take my terrifyingly listless, still-unable-to-keep-solids-down-after-72-hours toddler to the ER or not. 

I went to the store for more Pedialyte only to realize I was standing in the stationary aisle, staring at sympathy cards and slowly going mad with fever.

I came home and experienced some...digestive distress

I lay in bed and moaned at the ceiling fan while Jason baked the children COOKIES, since Noah was feeling so much better and Ezra...well, Ezra would probably be fine too, right?

I lay in bed and muttered feverish I TOLD YOU SO'S while Jason cleaned vomit off the bottom bunk. Again.

I cleaned up three puddles of cat vomit off my bedroom floor because why the fuck not, you useless lump of hairballs. 

I noticed my six-year-old suddenly scratching his head a lot, because ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

I composed a pointed email to his school mostly to satisfy my need to tell another adult to DO something already. FIX something. HELP ME with something. I CANNOT SOLVE THE ONGOING KINDERGARTEN LICE SITUATION SINGLE-HANDEDLY OVER HERE, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE WE ARE ALL THE FUCK OUT OF CLEAN SHEETS AND TOWELS.

I treated, combed, shampooed, cleaned, sprayed, laundered, bagged, quarantined and combed again.

I called a different on-call pediatrician to find out if I needed to take my still listless, able-to-keep-some-solids-down-but-now-having-diarrhea-every-30-minutes toddler to the ER. 

I did not take anyone to the ER.

I got better.


Now I just have a really bad cold and a need to make up for about a million hours of sleep.

(But hey! I made the Huffington Post!)

Everybody else got better too.


So far, as of this minute.

It's been a good minute.

I'll take it.  


(Just like I happily took Jason's "I'm Sorry Everything Is Terrible, Go Take A Bath And Let Me Handle Things For Awhile Before You Have A Psychotic Break" gift of Lush and red wine. He really is SUCH a good one, misguided mid-onslaught baking attempts aside.)




Ooof! Fingers crossed that everyone will be all better soon.


So happy I read this right before lunch.


@TwoBusy Share my pain. SHARE IT.


That damn top bunk mocks me every time I try to change it, so I'm sure it'd laugh at me trying to get vomit off of it. And I'll share it virtually, but I damn sure don't want that shit in real life. Each of us has seemed to have a variant of it, all alternating so no two people were down at the same time. So I guess I should be happy about that b/c come on, puke out of the other kid's hair? I'm so sorry for your loss of sanity (and stomach contents).

Also, HuffPost is cool as hell! I saw that Tweet and just smiled for you.


One more reason to have a blog; at some point you can print this out and show it to your kids. Here's hoping they appreciate it.


Hopefully everybody is on the mend and will be back to normal soon!! (And by the way, the ad to the right of the blog is for an EBag - emergency bag - sickness containment pouch. The internet knows too much....)


I am just so. very. sorry. Sorry seems too weak a word.


Wow, that's all I've got. Here's hoping for a an uptick in the quality of your week.


Oh, how sad. I'm so sad for you :( I am too sick myself to feel anything else but sad. ~hugs~

Heather W

Now I feel really bad for bothering you with my email...


I think the most awful part of this already hideous weekend was the addition of lice. Like seriously? How do kids with lice keep showing up to school everyday? Isn't the nurse supposed to check them before allowing them to return? There was a girl with chronic lice and the nurse did routine checks on her, probably weekly or more, to keep everyone else lice free. (From the tone of your email to the school it sounds like it's a fairly chronic problem)

Nancy Gould

oh man.................lice + stomach bug should be illegal. for reals.

Reading (and chickens)

Cookies? *hork* (I've been there, especially with the washing someone else's vomit out of the kids' hair at 2 in the morning. I wish I hadn't been there, but oh, I have.)


Are you freaking kidding me? How are you even still alive?


I am so sorry for you. Last year my neighbor had a version of this. Toddler was sick all weekend, seemed to be on the upswing. Mother and elementary school girl got sick, and middle school boy and father felt unwell but soldiered on. Then father took mother and girl to an urgent care facility where the mother collapsed with dehydration and had to be taken to the ER by ambulance. Father dropped less sick girl with big brother and grandfather rushed over to take care of the household. Mother got iv fluids. Father came home to relieve grandfather. Then grandfather took middle schooler to see his mother because they were both worried. Grandfather and son came back from hospital. Father went to bring mother home. Father then took dehydrated girl to ER and was by then so sick himself that he got some fluids and nausea rx. Bright spot was that, except the toddler, everybody was old enough to make it to the bathroom or a bowl. Mother said lowest point was being sick into the toddler potty while sitting on the big toilet. They all got well, and I assume all of you will also, but they will never forget it, and neither will you. Good luck.


Jason is a true prince among men. I hope you realize how lucky you are! (I mean that earnestly, having seen many, many, MANY puerile, self-centered husbands. Yours is one of only two husband/fathers I would call a true prince.)


You just don't know how to do anything half-ass do you? Jeez....

Fingers crossed that everyone is on the mend.


Oh, oh my god, Amy, OH MY GOD. That sounds like the worst weekend ever. And on top of all that, LICE? Wow those little buggers have good timing, huh? I hope things get better, MUCH better, very soon.


Oh dear, it sounds like it was the proverbial perfect storm. Glad everyone's (mostly) feeling better! (touch wood)


Do you feel like that was one of the richest parenting moments ever? Because I love Lisa Belkin, but man, that one feels like a stretch.

I'm so sorry, Amy. That sounded SO HORRIBLE.

LD's Mom

Wow. That is all so very, very awful. Glad you guys are all coming out on the other side.


You poor thing. I am so very sorry.


I was (am) ill as well. Bert did the groceries, cooking, cleaning etc. Children even went to bed silently ( It's 8 PM here) YO sleap here I come

Andrea/Confessions of a Daydream Believer

That sucks, so sorry! I hope everyone is on the mend and not itchy scratchy very soon!


When you got to the lice, I literally said, out loud, "NOOOOO...." I would have been reduced to a sobbing, broken lump on the floor at that point.


It's just time to get better! Ugh! I didn't know
Iittle bodies could hold so much vomit! Where does it come from?

Erika Mitchell

My gosh woman, you have my most sincere sympathies. Stomach flu is the worst, and I only had one child to take care of last time. I hope all of you get well soon.

Call Me Jo

Oh no oh no!! I am SO sorry for your pain, and mess, and sickness, and LICE. WHY THE LICE?!? May all pestulance move past your home and leave you in peace.


Ugh. Once I ran to a two year old's room because he was wailing. Turned out he had pooped, then taken the poop OUT OF HIS PULL UP and smeared it everywhere. We cleaned him up. Two hours later, he was wailing again, and he'd puked--and the puke smelled like poop. Yes, I have children who will eat their own poop. Dee-sgusting.


Oh Dear God. This will haunt me. But the lice? On top of all of that disgusting fluid cleanup? That is just too far. How do you make it out of that kind of weekend without PTSD? And I am totally not being facetious, being sick dealing with a house full of sick kids then lice? I would've been defeated. And scarred.

Suzy Q

Oh, ick. Hope everyone feels better soon.

Congrats on making it into the HuffPo! Beware of reading the comments, though. Everyone seems to have their own gross story.


@Starbuck, re: lice. I am pretty sure whoever is the source of the lice (and I swear that we are not, because we KILL IT DEAD HARDCORE and it has never spread beyond poor Noah) is simply not telling the school their child has/had it. And then doing a piss-poor job on making sure nothing re-hatches two weeks later. The only time we've got a notice about lice from the school is the time *I* reported it. Which is BULLSHIT, because someone else had it, and passed it on.

This is our third time dealing with it since October, and the length between "breakouts" is always far too long to suggest that it's re-emerging in our house. (Plus, Ez would get it then, most likely.) So I basically freaked out at the principal and health room and begged them to PLEEEEEASE do some damn head checks and figure out who the hell else has lice and KEEP ON THAT KID (or kids) to make sure they aren't getting sent in during an infestation.

(My guess is that it's some underresponsive-to-bodily stimuli sensory kid in the special ed room who doesn't scratch a lot and gets away with it. Luckily Noah is the opposite now so the INSTANT I see him scratching I know to check him.)

Argh, wow, this is practically another whole post, but yeah. Realizing I had to do the whole lice thing on top of everything else was just too, too, too much for my fragile psyche.


Oh. Oh wow. Wow.

I also took a Lush bath this Sunday evening. But not after anything near as...bleach-requiring as that.


And the doorknobs at the CDC claim there hasn't been a flu outbreak yet. Oy.

Sorry for the misery; but yay for HuffPo! Also, what on earth is Lush? All I can make out from the bag is "fresh homemade".

Amy in StL

Oh. My. God! How the hell are you still holding it together? I mean I know as a parent you're not allowed to just run away screaming; and I think I maybe could have handled the vomiting (maybe, I only have a dog, so who knows) but I could not have handled the lice too. Lice, EW. Makes me want to wash my head in Listerine just in case.


I hope you soon get the break you so deserve, because the vomiting/diarrhea/ongoing cleanup/resulting lack of sleep is more than enough to handle. But then LICE??? Come on, cosmos, move on to someone else's house. Amalah's house has already given.

(But, PS, I agree that Jason is a prince among men.)

Cheri Kirkbride

Last year, we had a week of intestinal yuck- first grader, then little brother, then me. I ended up in the ER. This was followed not more than 2 wks later with lice. The lice that the special shampoo will not kill.... 3 months of fighting it I kid you not. What finally worked is putting olive oil on all our heads every four days overnight, for about 3 wks. It was nightmarish. Hope you all feel better, and seriously, I think you all need a vacation!


Wow! You all were hit hard. BUT, the minute you said head scratching I about cried for you. They need to hound people to report and to properly take care of the lice. Oh, and that is a vivid memory I could in fact thank my parents for taking care of. On more than one occasion and with 5 kids...the destroying of lice is definitely something I remember. And now I will go scratch my head for the rest of the day!


Absolutely love your blog!

I don't know if you have control over the ads on the side but just thought I'd let you know that the one on there right now is for "Ebag"- an emergency sickness bag that can be taken anywhere- so hilarious!

Emily Brown

Oh. My. Lands. I can only extend my deepest sympathies. I'm glad you are all beginning to mend. And is sweet Ezra doing better? He really seemed to get the worst of it, poor little dude.
I audibly gasped when I read the part about the lice because that just...there aren't even sufficient words. Sending you lots of positive healthy thoughts!


I swear we had the same stomach evilness. Group of friends go to Napa. . .one kid brings in the sickness. .and it took down 12 adults within 72 hours :) I feel for you guys!


Seriously, Jason, cookies? Sugar cookies? Right then? Good call on the basket and everything,but dude. ROOKIE MOVE.
(Feel better, Amy.)


I am sorry for all that cleaning.. I just read this post and the past. The raspberries might had something to do with it. check with your doctor. Long, I mean long time ago I ate some blackberries in South America and got so sick. Doc said was something in the blackberries. Sometimes with all the little bumps we can not clean them truly. I hope this help. Love. Nelia.


I've taught elementary school forever, and I know several people that swear by rinsing their kids' hair with a vinegar/water rinse; supposedly it does something to the hair's PH and the lice won't stay. Lice also supposedly don't like hair products-gels and such. If the school can't get rid of the lice, maybe you can make your kids less appetizing to 'em...


Nobody should have to have weekends like this, and yet somehow everyone seems to have at least one story like this. I'm sorry you have one to add to the list.

Pro tip about toddler diarrhea: Make sure you have miralax on hand for when it inevitably swings the other way. My son had 2 weeks of diarrhea, followed by a week of constipation (5 days no poo), and all the *foods* the doc recommended to fix one would swing us the other way; this continued for 5 weeks total of horrendous poo, pain, crying, oil suppositories, and awfulness; it devolved into poop-witholding and delayed his ability to poop on the potty (which he'd been working on, but stopped due to anxiety) for nearly 8 months.

All that to say, basically if any poop issues extend past like 2 weeks, you want to jump on that with something gentle like miralax that isn't stimulat..ory..ing... I can't remember the correct ending here. see your ped of course.


Oh. My. God. Worst. Nightmare. Ever. You rocked it though.


It's times like these where I am reminded how I got off easy with my kids. They have never been THAT sick. I have never caught anything from them, and we have (whispers) never had lice. (I'm knocking on wood like a banshee over here.) I can't believe the stuff you go through! And even though it doesn't sound like the culprit, I'm telling the hub that the raspberries were the barf instigator. That guy won't wash anything! @Kris--Lush is a cosmetics line. Did he go sample happy? Or are those all full products?


I feel so sorry for you. My only point of reference is our ongoing flea drama while We lived in Florida (if for sone reason youre curious to live the awful awfulness see blog, search fleas). Makes you want to never wash sheets again. Glad everyone is starting to feel better.


At least you were home! After a week in hospital, surgery puke poop and pain we are home. If luck was on my side I missed very single massive explosion because I was getting coffee everytime! We are glad to be home even just for 10 days but sending you many mamy lysol wipes! As for the lice add tea tree oil to the shampoo the kids use yes it stinks (we use 10-15 drops per bottle) and for the most part it works for us (knock on wood)the tea tree oil deters the little buggers!

Korinthia Klein

Oh my god you win. I was not having a good weekend either but lice and cat vomit thrown into the mix? Good lord. At least it made an awesome blog post.


Amy, I feel like I need to send you guys some cookies or, at the very least, some D&M Coffee. Interested?

Helen Spencer

What a thoughtful bath gift though eh? Out of bad comes...well, a bath at least


I was wondering where you were thinking 'Hmm it's been a few days since her last post, wonder what she's up to?' but here you are/were. Tackling the mahamoth of diseases left and right (with poor Jason choice of cookies). Daaaaaayyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum you need a break for two days with sleep, cookies and lots of wine.

I'm chuckling at the thought of you talking to the school calmly in person (less it was all email?) with what you were already dealing with much less the lice into the mix because I sure as hell wouldn't!


(side note, Congratulations being futured on the Huffington Post!)


He IS a good one. How sweet.



This is why we had a rule when my boys were bunking.... if ANYONE in the house gets a stomach bug, the top bunkee sleeps on the floor. NO way was I cleaning puke off the top bunk... LOL.


Oh my god, I laughed until I CRIED. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible weekend, but I'm so glad you can tell a hilarious story about it.

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