In honor of my shiny new super-organized (for now, but check back in 30 seconds) office, I present an entry without any topic at all. But disorganized, stream-of-consciousness writing is a valid art form as long as you do it while sitting in a chair, at a desk. FACT. Are you sitting at a desk? I have just legitimized everything you do today. You are a serious professional and nothing will change that. Go on, drip yogurt on yourself. You've earned it. Apologies to the non-desk sitters in the audience. I was you! All the way up until yesterday! And while I will never forget my roots, I have already forgotten where I was going with this sentence. I'M AT A DESK! To the next topic! Hurry! 1) MY HAIR & ASSORTED AW SHUCKSING Thank you to everybody who complimented my hair yesterday! In the old days, people used to have to write their own daily affirmations on their mirrors in lipstick. Now we can just post flatteringly-blurry photos of ourselves online. What a glorious time to be alive. I will add the caveat that those cell-phone-mirror-reflection shots completely hide the unfortunate Chia Bangs, which yes, are still there and... Read more →

I bought a desk this weekend. I have not sat at a desk since 2006. April-ish, if I recall correctly. I bought a desk at Ikea and a fake potted plant, came home and sorted through a good four years of clutter, pushed an (Ikea) dresser down the hall into the boys' room, which I traded them for an (Ikea) bookshelf that I pushed back into my room, my office. The blinds should be replaced and the walls desperately need painted; the stuff I hung up is stragetically cover up the worst of the scuff marks in the meantime. Everything else is just whatever I could find lying around the house, like a former remote-control organizer basket now holds envelopes, thank-you cards, my memory card reader and a bottle of fenugreek capsules. I'm storing pens in a candleholder because it seemed nicer-looking than a plastic Thomas the Tank Engine cup. I dunno. Maybe not. It's nothing you'll ever see on some creamy yummy aspirational design blog. There's a litter box in the closet. Naturally, I love it beyond all sense and reason. Read more →

I have no idea how we got on the subject of Bloody Mary -- the ghosty sleepover dare, not the drink -- but somehow, we did. A little vodka may have been involved, but I am definitely sure that tomato juice and celery were not. Jason and I both grew up in very, very religious households, and because of this, had both achieved adulthood without ever -- EVER -- attempting the Bloody Mary game. We believed that just by THINKING about Satan or evil things, one was technically inviting demonic influence, or even full-on possession. That shit was real, man, in an incredibly literal sense, and the idea of actively baiting a ghost/demon/evil spirit like that was a genuinely terrifying prospect that neither of us would ever mess with. I have a vague memory of standing in a darkened bathroom after first hearing the story from my friends...and THINKING about maybe giving it a try, and the very second the idea popped into my head, a car drove down the street and a glimmer of the headlights flashed in the mirror and I freaked out and ran back to my room, hid under the covers and prayed for forgiveness and... Read more →

I posted this picture to Instagram a couple days ago, but I'm reusing it here because it's now the last-known photo of Ike without a ring of multi-colored bruises across his forehead. Which I'm guessing he'll be sporting for the next few months, at least. Oh my GOD, this child. Last Thursday he started crawling on his hands and knees, pulling to a stand, making shaky (and mostly unsuccessful) attempts at cruising around the furniture, doing a combo wave/sign-for-milk thing with his hand and mimicking the words "kick kick kick" while, uh, kicking. And I do mean, literally, Thursday. All of that. BOOM. I hadn't even lowered the crib mattress yet. I woke up with a little helpless baby and like, five hours later was the proud parent of a full-blown crazy person. Who is hellbent on injuring himself and/or eating random pieces of Scotch Tape he finds on the floor. (Also: Mushrooms. Very big fan of sauteed mushrooms. Not such a fan of chewing the mushrooms, however, so every diaper change is like SURPRISE MISE EN PLACE!) (That was gross and unnecessary, I'm sorry. It's just that Ike didn't seem to appreciate the cleverness of the mise en place... Read more →

Hey so remember the time I rubbed all y'all's faces in the fact that I got sent a heapload of free jewelry? And then was like, "okay I guess one of you can win some free jewelry too?" Yeah, so it turns out that a lot of you seemed to be very much in the pro-free jewelry camp (shocking!!1!), and also in the screw you, blogger, I can buy my own jewelry myself camp. The post was a success, is my point, and I was then repeatedly asked to do another sponsored post/giveaway for JewelMint's sister site, StyleMint. Repeatedly! There is only so much resisting of free clothing with a side of bonus money a girl can do, you guys. So really, this is all your fault, if you think about it. DEAL WITH IT. StyleMint operates the same way as JewelMint, only with clothes: Take a style quiz, get recommendations based on your answers, and every product comes with helpful Styling For Dummies suggestions to give you ideas on how to wear it and look like you have not given up on life. It's a membership site, so you can either treat yourself to something new each month or... Read more →

When the flyer came home in his backpack, I groaned. The Valentine's Day class party was going to have a "theme." A 1950s sock hop, with music and dancing. Dressing up in poodle skirts and "greaser" costumes was encouraged. Please remember that all treats must be store bought, not homemade. Sometimes integration in the general education classroom sucks. No way would the room parents in special education plan something like that, with so many of the kids easily unnerved by changes in routine and costumes and noise and cupcakes frosted with Red 40 dye. But there was no party for the special ed class -- parties fall exclusively in the domain of the homeroom. The giant overcrowded homeroom, like the one I toured just over a year ago with other parents from the preschool program. We observed it with wide, terrified eyes -- one mom grabbed my arm and squeezed it while shooting me a WTF look, because we were both thinking the same thing, because our kids won't be ready for this environment in a million billion years. The kindergartners moved around the room in quiet, controlled movements, focused on independent activities, tuning out their dozens of classmates all... Read more →

Surprise! I'm currently en route to New York City. You know, for stuff. Just the usual glamorous kind of drop-of-a-hat jet-setting that I am all about. To call this trip "last minute," however, is such an understatement that I think it might actually be offensive to minutes. I'm not even 100% sure I'm allowed to tell you anything else about the trip until later because I signed the contract thingie at 5 am this morning and therefore haven't the faintest idea what I just agreed to. I HAD A TRAIN TO CATCH AND ONLY THREE HOURS TO MAKE A 22-MINUTE TRIP TO THE STATION HOLY SHIT PANIC. (If you don't see at least one Instagram photo from me later, best to just go ahead and assume the answer was "white slavery" and delete me from your bookmarks.) Anyway, since we all know that each and every independent, unsupervised venture outside my own front door is an exercise in terror, allow me to recap the happenings thus far. (NOTE: I have been on the train for 14 minutes.) 1) Spent entire night attempting to comfort violently teething baby. Failed miserably. Currently operating on 45 minutes of sleep. Goddamn vampire teeth. God.... Read more →

I had a really nice Valentine's Day, thank you for not asking, but allowing me to pretend that you did. We're all organic and conversational up in this bitch! For the first time in years, I was thoroughly pleased with my own gift-and-card-related offerings for Jason: Geeky Han-and-Leia bracelets from Spiffing Jewelry. Super-highly-mature card from Wit and Whistle. Usually I get completely out-gifted by my thoughtful, creative husband while I'm like: Here's a sweater? It's red? I bought you some chocolates but I ated them? Not that Jason did too shabbily himself, or anything. But he's an established pro at Valentine's Day -- gifts! flowers! candy! pampering! home-cooked gourmet meals and champagne! -- so I'm usually just happy to not suck too badly at it. Since the babysitter works on Tuesdays, we played hooky had a lunch date together at a restaurant nearby, a place we've gone several times with ALL OF THE CHILDREN in tow, and the hostess gave us a suspicious side-eye when she sat us, like "aren't you the ones wot show up with all them kids usually? where's your baby? oh dear God, did you leave him in the car?" Then we both went to the... Read more →

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! And good news! Thanks to the money-grubbing powers that be (AKA MY OWN SELF), I accidentally scheduled a sponsored post for today so y'all are spared having to read something goopy about my husband. Instead, we're going to talk about vegetables, thanks to Hidden Valley Ranch. Vegetables are romantic, right? (I know where your mind is going right now and I do not like it. I LOVE IT.) Specifically, I'm supposed to talk about getting kids to eat their vegetables. LIKE I HAVE ANY IDEA. The only kid in my house who is currently not a jerk about consistently eating his vegetables is the baby. Because vegetables are pretty much the only food group he is aware of. I make all of Ike's food, and I...well, I make his food because I think it's fun. It's very easy and satisfying and it makes me happy to see my baby's face light up when he tastes something fresh and delicious and baby-birds his mouth for more, more, more. Plus, it's cool to have a baby who eats vegetables beyond the jarred green beans and carrots. There's only a short window before the Great Beige Food Phase, so... Read more →

So I had this whole post planned for today, but this whole post centered around some photos I took with my real camera (I know, fancy, right?) instead of my phone, and thus everything depended on getting those photos off the real camera and I have now spent two! hours! looking for my memory card reader and then 20! minutes! trying every USB cable in the house, and yet the photos remain solidly, irrevocably trapped on the memory card because this is what happens when I try to like, not do things half-assed like usual. Lesson: NEVER TRY. AIM LOW. I'm telling you all this because I feel like I should at least earn partial credit. Anyway, here are some pictures I took with my phone. And you know I have a good dozen more semi-identical photos of him sitting here in that same spot, making variations on the same two faces, so I would just count your lucky stars that I didn't post them all and move along. There is nothing to see here. (DEAR MEMORY CARD READER STOP RUINING EVERYTHING WHAT THE HELL I JUST SAW YOU YESTERDAY COME BACK PLEASE) (DEAR AMAZON KINDLE GOOD NEWS I FOUND... Read more →