Oh my God, where to even START, you guys.

1) Jason went to the store and bought new, non-shitty plastic wrap. Just...like that. And he threw the old stuff out, like away, for good, even though we probably had enough to complain about for another five or six years. I opened the drawer yesterday and BOOM. Fucking Glad Clingwrap in the motherfucking house.

I immediately started looking for things to wrap in plastic and even ran upstairs to find Jason because LOOK AT THIS BOWL. LOOK AT IT. It's so...sealed. This plastic wrap is so...clingy. Mmmmm, inappropriate.

2) The baby turned on the vacuum cleaner by himself. You know the kind with the button you can hit with your foot? That's the one. 

Anyway, he crawled up to it and smacked the button and the vaccuum roared to life and Ike must've belly-jumped back a full foot before looking at me, like HOLY SHIT I HAVE MADE EVERYTHING SO TERRIBLE ALL OF A SUDDEN. 

Afterwards he thought it was pretty funny, actually, and giggled about it for awhile. But not funny enough to do it again, apparently, so I could post a video of it on the Internet. Nine months old and already actively thwarting the mommyblogging! They grow up so fast, these days.

3) Though I promise my annoyance at his refusal to be my vaccuum monkey had nothing to do with my decision to dress him up in a 70's-era pom-pom bonnet for a photo-a-day Instagram challenge. Oh, no. Not at all. 



That's just good old-fashioned MEANNESS, right there.

4) Speaking of Instagram, it's pretty much the only social media thingamabob that I don't actively hate. My Facebook and Twitter have devolved into little more than distribution channels for my Instagram habit.

Every once in awhile I think of something to say -- like how every time I see the word "Linsanity" I wonder just what Lindsay Lohan has gotten herself INTO NOW, or that I just discovered they make jalapeño string cheese and it's really fucking amazing -- but then I existential-dilemma myself out of posting it.

Because in the old days, before Twitter, my blog would have been my only outlet to tell the world about the jalapeño string cheese. And I would have been forced to sit down and figure out a way to wring an entire entry about jalapeño string cheese. (Uphill! In the snow! On DIAL UP.) And it would have been GOOD and FUNNY and I LIKED IT.

But now you can just tweet something short and inane about jalapeño string cheese, so why bother with your dinosaur-ish old blog anymore? Though on Twitter you do run the risk of accidentally tweeting about it right in the middle of some Important News Story That Is Really Putting Things Into Perspective For A Lot Of People Right Now, Like Actual Human Beings Somewhere Are Dying Without Any First World String Cheese At All.

That, or you get an email five minutes later from the Polly-O people who are like, we saw your tweet about jalapeño string cheese and loved it! So real and relatable and social-media-ish! We'd love for you to be an official brand ambassador, which is a fancy title for tweeting about string cheese once a week and liking us on Facebook and installing a blog widget and writing four sponsored posts and getting paid in the chance to win a coupon. Then a week later they send you a testy follow-up to "make sure" you got their original email. 

Anyway. Point is: Jalapeño string cheese, people. Really fucking amazing. Go buy some!

5) Today -- as in once I finish typing this...whatever this is...Ezra is going to cooking school. He's starting a preschooler camp/class thing at the YMCA that's called Little Chefs or something. Possibly even Lil' Chefs. Mini Chefs? I don't know. I did all of two seconds of research on it, during which I was pretty distracted by the sound of my own squeeing. 

Ezra is so super excited about Cooking Camp he can barely stand it. I swear to God, if they give them all little (LIL'!) aprons I will die. I will drop dead, literally.

Right after I Instagram it, of course.