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April 2012
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June 2012

Masterfeces Theater Presents

Last night, while we were all enjoying a delicious dinner of grilled chicken chicken and ratatouille (well, except for Noah, who threatened to punch our house apart [WITH HIS FISTS!!!] if we ever made him eat such things again), I noticed a single, compact little turd had suddenly appeared on the floor next to the table. Now, the problem with having a cat and a very small dog is that it is literally impossible to tell their poop apart. And yes, this is a problem. One that we are very familiar with. Hey kids! Who wants to play another round of Who Pooped On The Floor? But since we were eating, I opted not to really ponder over the source From Whence The Turd Of Mystery Flowed, and instead quickly cleaned it up and flushed it away and then... Another one. This time right in the middle of the kitchen, on the path I'd just walked through no more than 30 seconds earlier, when it was definitely poop free. Someone was Stealth Pooping, you guys. And it didn't end there. After dinner, I found one in the living room, then two more under the dining table, and then Jason found... Read more →

Even Dream Jobs Get The Blues

The first thing I did after accepting my first non-mommyblogging-related job in a bajillion years was rush to Target for pens and file folders. The second thing I did was glare at my husband for laughing at me. And my pens and file folders. I did realize I would still be working on a computer, right? With a keyboard? Just like I've been doing for a bajillion years in a happy, paperless worky bubble? I can't really explain it. But if you get me anywhere near anything that remotely resembles Actual Office Work, I am completely seized with the need to scribble things down on Actual Paper. I require Post-Its and notepads and file tabs and a pen to write with and one to chew on. I want to print things out and stare at them and cover them in proofreading marks and bullet points and chicken-scratch notes to myself. I ask myself questions a lot. Category aggregation slider at top? Slideshows? Talking clients? News items round-up SUSTAINABLE? PLAGIARISM?? I stare at these half-formed questions later and am basically like, "Bitch, the hell if I know." Sometimes I answer myself with more scribbles: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?????? The... Read more →

Feelin' Groovy Or Possibly Just Very Cluttered

Ezra did a little redecorating in the Baby Jail this weekend. First he attempted to turn it into a ball pit, only with a knee-deep hoard of assorted toys and pointy-shaped plastic things instead of balls. When I protested that this maybe wasn't the coziest environment for the still fairly unstable Baby Ike, he helpfully added a layer of bubble wrap. When I also nixed that idea (SO LAME MOM), he went with option C and tossed in every single throw pillow and blanket he could find, officially turning Baby Jail in a groovy good-time laid-back Conversation Pit. All we need now is a lava lamp up in this bitch. (First rule of Conversation Pit is you do not talk about Conversation Pit.) Okay, so it's crowded and awkward there's a lot more rolling and flailing going on than walking/cruising. But Baby Ike gets a very devoted playmate, Ezra gets his weird on (seriously, a deflated pool toy and smashed boxes of play cereal are among the valued treasures he specifically chose to transfer to the Pit), and Mama gets 18.5 SQUARE FEET OF LEGO-FREE REAL ESTATE . Read more →

Marking the Occasion

Ike fell off the changing table last night. And I mean FELL. In the most SPECTACULAR fashion. Head first and naked, ass over teakettle, BAM. Forehead, meet hardwoods. It's almost a rite of passage, you know? All of my children have now suffered at least one big tumble from the furniture, all before they hit their first birthdays. Noah rolled off the bed. Ezra did that too (on family portait day, no less), and was also prone to dive-bombing from the couch whenever he spotted something on the floor he wanted. Who needs hands or reaching or pointing? MY MOUTH IS A DIVINING ROD. WHOOMP. Noah fell down the stairs; Ezra tripped over a push-toy and split his lip open. And later, same scenario, only the toy was an escalator and his lip was HIS HEAD. And then there was the time with the curling iron and the time he fell over the back of the couch and dented the soup pot and then he fell face-first in the Christmas tree lot and OH YEAH THE STOVE and anyway, point is, I'm aware that kids fall down and get hurt and bounce back from the bruises and boo-boos. Their skulls... Read more →

Señor Tequila Throws A Party

Hello! I am a bottle of tequila. Well, half a bottle, but WHO IS COUNTING? Tequila is not interested in your math, Tequila is interested in getting Tequila's friends out on this placemat dancefloor for a Cinco de Mayo party. No, we have no firemen, or kittens, but I will promise you this: NO ONE WILL BE WEARING A SHIRT. Oh look! Tequila's guests are arriving now. As always, I have invited a diversified mix of attendees to guarantee a wild, unpredictable time. Blue Mug always arrives early and then stands around staring awkwardly at the punch bowl. He doesn't get out much and mostly just wants to talk about Star Trek and Game of Thrones. However, if something were to go wrong with the sound system, he is your guy. Can Tequila help him have a good time tonight? Oh. Oh yes. Total drama queen, this one. But such a dancer! Some might say I am crazy for inviting my boss. Perhaps I am. Such is Tequila. I make bad ideas into good, and good ideas into OMG WE SHOULD TOTES ORDER SOME TACOS RIGHT NOW. Ah, you see Tequila's plan now, no? World's Best Boss Mug will most... Read more →

Sooooooo, How'd It Goooooo?

I spent the morning in an Actual Office, where Actual Other People do Actual Work. Wearing Actual Clothes because they have also Actually Showered, because Actual Reality! It was so real, you guys. A few observations and assorted tips for any fellow Work-At-Home Hobbits out there, contemplating a return to the corporate fishbowl: 1) Office furniture has not changed ONE BIT since the last time I sat in an office. Which was in 2006, and I'm pretty sure that there hadn't been any big innovations in the Dark Cherryesque Laminate Desk-and-Bookshelf world for a long time before that, either. 2) Office phones, however, are as terrifyingly complicated as ever. Pick it up, press 9 for an outside line, BEEP BEEP ERROR AUTHORIZATION NOT RECOGNIZED BEEP BEEP JUST USE YOUR CELL PHONE IDIOT. 3) I don't look nearly as skinny as I used to in elevator-door reflections. Sigh. 4) Always bring a back-up pen to a meeting. Mine ran out of ink about 10 minutes in and rather than admit that I needed a new pen, I sat there like it was the damn SATs, scribbling frantic circles all over the edges of my notepad in hopes of getting it to... Read more →