Stupid Girl Does a Stupid Thing, Part Two
First Grade, First Grade

Stupid Girl Does a Stupid Thing, Part Three

I woke up on day three with three immediate thoughts:

1) Jason had already left for a business trip and would be away until the next day, oh dear God.

2) If I even SUSPECTED that I was taking my mood/hunger/whatever out on my children again, I would stop that very instant. That. Very. Instant.

3) Hot christ on a ham sandwich, I feel hungover. 

I don't know if it was belated caffeine withdrawal or what, but I had a terrible headache. (And it only NOW just occurred to me that I didn't even consider taking anything for it. I don't know why, as I'm usually hitting the Advil or Excedrin at the first twinge of head-discomfort. More evidence of juice-related Stockholm Syndrome, maybe?)

The boys would be with a babysitter all morning, so I decided I could safely keep going before switching to Bitch-Mood High-Alert Mode. Despite the headache, I actually really WANTED to finish the cleanse and not quit — especially once I got on the scale and realized I was down over three pounds. (I started at 13 pounds above my goal weight, 18 above the "ideal" [bleeeeaaarrrrgh nevergoingtohappen] weight for my height/frame. Thanks third pregnancy and also pâte à choux!) After spending most of the summer losing and gaining the same two or three pounds, this wasn't anything crazy spectacular, but it at least felt like a nice push in the correct downward direction.

And for the first time I realized I was no longer fantasizing about going on a day-long crazy food-binge on Thursday.

On Monday, I was planning a post-cleanse celebration along these lines:

But now...not so much. I didn't want to immediately gain that weight back OR go back to my old eating habits. I never experienced any of the endorphin highs or heightened sense of buzzing mental clarity shit the Hardcore Juice People like to promise (sorry, Hardcore Juice People), but I did gain a practical appreciation for:

1) How much useless, extra snacking I do throughout the day (iz food diary timez!), 

2) How few calories I really needed to maintain my (low) level of physical activity,

3) Yeah, I need to stop looking at carbs/dairy/meat as the only foods that are "satisfying," and

4) Sorry, wine. I love you, but I will never get this weight off with you hanging around as often as you do.

Anyway, I know this is all terribly boring (AND SO HELLA OBVIOUS), but as someone who has been such a vocal tub-thumper for organic homemade baby food and so anti-HFCS/artificial dyes/colors and all that, I feel like I owe it to you guys to admit that I still have a long way to go when it comes to what I cram down my own feedhole sometimes. 

(I still totes bought that song on iTunes though. Imma add it to my running playlist!)

Anyway, compared to day one and day two, day three was almost criminally easy. At 3 pm, I helped myself to a single spoonful of peanut butter to ward off Teh Crazies, and chugged the coconut water instead of sipping it. At 4 pm, I drank the beet shot and made a cup of the ginger "tea." At 5 pm, right before I needed to make dinner for the kids (since Jason was away and couldn't save me from having to be in the kitchen with All Of The Delicious Solid Food Things), I started on the second-to-last vegetable juice.

And mostly, I simply refused to let myself be a jerk. Huh.

I made pasta with turkey meatballs for the kids, gave everybody a chocolate chip cookie for dessert, then got them cleaned and jammied and brushed up in time to watch the new Lego Ninjago episode at 8 pm.

I drank the very last almond milk while they watched it. It was pretty anticlimactic, since there was no one around to high five or congratulate me. 

almond milk n ike

I mean, besides Baby Ike. But I think he was mostly hoping the bottle was full of more cookies. 

After that (and a phone call from Daddy), we all went to bed. The end.


I lost five pounds while on the cleanse, which put me back in a range on the scale I have not been able to crack since Ike was born, no matter what I did. As of this morning's (Friday's) weigh-in, I'm down a completely unbelievable eight.


I've eased back into "real" food, while trying to establish better habits (fruits! vegetables! no white sugar or endless snacking on three-pounds-o-cheese!) and also re-re-re-started a cardio kickboxing routine. Yesterday, I even briefly considered driving back to the juice bar for a couple more bottles (since I know I can coast until 3 pm, at which point I'd be free to eat whatever I wanted), but eh, didn't really have time. Plus: COFFEE IS SO DELICIOUS I MISSED YOU. 

(I also took the boys to Chipotle for dinner, but went as healthy as possible for myself, and you know what? I didn't die and I wasn't miserable. THAT'S HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO SIMPLY HAVE FOOD TO CHEW. YAY SALAD.)

No, I have no plans to buy a juicer or do regularly monthly cleanses, since I'm not really sold on them as anything other than an extreme (and expensive) crash diet, albeit one that involves a lot of really good-for-you ingredients. And as someone gently — and rightly — pointed out in the comments on Day One, I do have a history of disordered eating (though it's all well over a decade ago at this point).

Still, though, I'm very aware that I still need to be careful, even if I do legitimately have weight I need to lose. I don't want my children to ever hear or see me obsessing over weight and making food an there's the fact that with Mom only drinking Weird Juices, we went three days without a real sit-down family dinner, and I mostly defaulted to easy, convenience foods for them. 

Those caveats aside, I'm glad I tried it. I'm glad I stuck with it. It really did force me to own up to some very bad habits and think more about the kinds of food that make my body happy, not just mah feeeeelings. (Which almost always want carbs, sugar and cheese, incidentally.) I may do a less extreme version (like a juice-until-dinner plan) at some point, and I'll definitely stop in at the juice bar when I'm in the neighborhood for some of my favorites instead of hitting the Starbucks. 

And now I'll also definitely stop talking about it, and we can all get back to our regularly-scheduled blog programming of...well, probably the same sort of boring shit, only with more baby pictures. 



I want to try the juice thing but I'm afraid I'll kill my family.


Yes, what gorillabuns said.

But man, I would not mind an 8lb head start, ya know?


Am now looking for closest juice bar.


Congratulations and High Fives to you. I bought some wheat grass at the Bethesda Farmer's Market a few weeks ago but had no idea what to do with it. I put it in smoothies. Where is this juice bar?


@Dona Super close to the Bethesda Farmer's Market, actually! It's right by Taylor Gourmet and the Equinox gym on Woodmont. Across the street from that American Tap Room place. Super small and cute, full of hippies.


#4 - I feel you on this. I can lose weight if I'm drinking my beloved red wine, but at a glacial pace. I love some red wine. And after a couple glasses, I love a piece of cheese. And some crackers. Maybe a little more cheese. And an olive or two or seventeen...


I'm an infrequent commenter, but I love that you are an organic foodie who occasionally indulges in processed crap. (I'm an organic farmer - raise my own meat and veggies, but occasionally, I need potato chips). I wish we had a juice bar near us because I've been thinking about a cleanse too for the same reasons you did. Sadly, I think all I've got to choose from are various powdered things from the grocery store.


I can't imagine, haha. I think the real issue with people doing these kinds of diets is that they are not sustainable and they are only for the moment and sadly, the immediate weight that comes off comes right back when you don't survive on juice alone. I think healthy means to avoid crash diets and instant gratification and just eat healthy whole simple foods. Easier said than done, right? I have just seen so many wonderful people hope from juice cleanse to fad diet and never be able to maintain because it was practical to a real diet after said and done. It sounds like you know all that garbage I just wrote though and best of luck to you!

Corey Feldman

I keep meaning to go the the Bethesda's Farmer Market but we are doing a CSA this year


Reasons I'm happy I'm a dude and therefore have aversions to juicing.


I don't know. I mean, 8 pounds is super impressive. I'm 5 months post-partum and have, incidentally, 8 pounds left to lose. I doubt it's something I would do while breastfeeding - I'm so super hungry still and if I don't eat enough, my blood sugar goes way down and I get shaky and cranky and yeah. Moving on. Won't be doing this for a while, if ever.


This was interesting to read. But I just don't think that starving yourself, under any circumstances, is a good dieting method. Why not spend those three days eating the actual kale, beets, cucumbers and almonds rather than just drinking their thin fiberless juice? Maybe you lose a bit less weight, but I'm not sure it's healthy to lose 8 pounds in less than a week.

While it seems like you learned some good lessons from the juice fast, it has also inspired the unhealthy idea that maybe depriving yourself of food until 3 p.m. every day is a good idea. I'm all for changing unhealthy eating habits, but whatever diet you choose should involve eating actual food at every meal.


thanks for the candor.

i bought a juicer b/c i don't really like veggies. i haven't done a crash diet or anything, but i am happy that at least sometimes, veggies do make it to my bloodstream.

i'm like you, though and have the same cravings and thoughts about chewing your meals.

way to go for you!!
hope it continues well.

Susan Y

I'm anti-cleanse (though my sister does the 10 day master cleanse a few times a year), but I really enjoyed these entries. I see why you found the juice fast valuable and I appreciate the new perspective!


Not to be nasty, but did you poop all the gross out? Isn't that what the cleanse is for? I've heard (on the internet so it must be true!) that your body cleanses itself and you really don't need to buy all of the fancy-schmancy cleansers.

I cut way back on my sugars, started snacking on cheese and almonds, walked on the treadmill one hour a day, and in seven months, I had lost 43 pounds. Then I got a job and everything went to hell in a handbasket. I'm still down 30 pounds though.


Check out for a free online food and exercise diary. I've used it for years and it's awesome!


Congratulations and high-fives, of course! There should be some sort of award for completing the cleanse. Maybe a trophy with a bowler on top or something. That'd be rad.


You're so darn talented. Now what were you saying about juices? xo

Jan Ross

I have been playing around with green smoothies lately - just google them or look on youtube, there's tons of info. It's pretty amazing that can stuff in a double handful of spinach leaves, some fruit and water and make a delicious and healthy smoothie. Still perfecting the recipes - tried fruit juice instead of water and too sweet - but it's something you can drink for a meal and be really satisfied.


So entertaining. And also: so better you than me. I love my solid foods.

I've been doing Weight Watchers online since February, and have lost 16 lbs. (four more until my target weight). I really like it because it encourages me to eat lots and lots of fruits and veg (most have zero "points") and I am still eating other stuff I like, just more intentionally. It's incredible to me how many more calories I was consuming than I realized. I admittedly don't do much exercise, so the weight loss has totally been being more conscious of what I eat, and eating more fruits and veggies.

Amy in StL

Moar Ceiba!


The scientific evidence behind "cleansing" is about as thin as the juices you have to drink. The liver is pretty good at getting rid of the "toxins" as they enter the body, unless you happen to have a liver disease, and they do not build up. Staying hydrated and eating a balanced diet (everything in moderation) is harder, because it does take longer, but way more effective at maintaing the weight loss. 5 years ago, I got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and that forced me to be more mindful of what and how I eat, as I have to count the grams of carb in my meal and inject insulin accordingly. I am now about 15 pounds lighter than at the time of my diagnosis, and I had a baby during that time. My opinion is that portion control is super important, but I allow myself to indulge regularly. I bargain with myself (e.g. if dessert = no fries at restaurant)... Good luck!

Korinthia Klein

The weight thing is so hard. I think it's mostly a matter of being mindful of what you eat, and if three days of juice got you jump started into having better perspective, good for you!


Perspective is key with food, isn't it? It is still really hard for me.


Careful though - some will come back because clean intestines/colons are temporary lol. (Was the actual cleansing horrible?)

Also - been mulling about this because i dont want to be a troll . and I know you are a rebel . . but REALY WISH you wouldn't use phrases like that . .you know the blank blank on a blank blank .. . just sayin . .(and I bet yo' Mama won't like it either)


REALLY . .lol

Leigh Ann

My husband wants to go buy a juicer so bad after watching Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I fear he will just come home one day with one and we will be $300 poorer.

And coconut water is NASTY.

Suzy Q

Congrats for sticking it out for all three days! Not sure I could do that.

I'm curious as to the average calorie count for each day, though.


While I firmly believe there are processed chemical sh*tstorms out there that never need to go in our bodies, I also think maintaining a healthy diet is all about balance. Have some wine if you want, just keep it to a glass or two (okay or four) a week. Have some (organic) dark chocolate, just not two bars at a time (not saying you've eaten two bars at a time...I might know someone who has...okay it's me, heh).

Glad you've come to the conclusion that it's all about the balance, yo!


Total ass-vice here, but I find the Lose It! app way helpful in terms of a food diary. It has a scanner in it so you can zap the occassional barcoded food and then, BAM! My Lean Cuisine lunch is added! Also works on the barcode of a bottle of Jameson, FYI.


That was awesome. I'm a long-time lurker, never commented, but I've recently come to the same conclusions - post-2nd baby, I don't need as many calories as I eat, and definitely not of the dairy, carb, butter, wine variety. I've never dieted before but found myself losing 20 pounds this summer and I feel great. Coffee, eggs and toast can generally get me through 2pm or so, then a light lunch/snack, a healthy dinner. I've never eaten like this before but the payoff has been huge! Fun to read about the juice cleanse, though I don't think I could do it. Thanks for your blog, nice to know that others are living through the same daily drama of having young kids.


When you've been eating a certain way for so many years, it's really hard to quit, hence the yo-yo dieting (duh). But I feel like this year, I've actually developed a better relationship to food. I definitely have binge days, but it's not something that I'm counting down the days to, and I find that I crave better foods (except for ice cream ) but we're pretty much like you most of the time anyway. We avoid as much as we can in the way of colors, HFCS and unnecessary preservatives. I won't like though. On the rare occasion, I will totally CUT A BITCH for some fucking red dye #40. It's that specific.


I followed your posts on this with great interest. I have health issues and flooding my cells with high quality nutrients via juicing might be helpful (and can't hurt). I am just not sure if I can go without food so will probably not fast.



Good for you, that is awesome! I did a juice fast recently and juiced everything myself. UGH. Too much time prepping and juicing! You definitely made the right call in picking up the fresh juice from them. Next time I'm totally going that route!

@Kristin and others who think this is "starving" yourself - it isn't. We typically think of eating = chewing solids. If you think about it in terms of feeding your body then you start to see that juicing still feeds your body those nutrients. It also gives your body a break from having to work at digesting all of it. The rest is all kind of a little mind game we play day after day thinking if we didn't "chew" anything we haven't been fed. I mean, let's say we blend up a chocolate cheesecake into a milkshake and drank it through a straw - technically we didn't "eat" it, right?! LOL


I am so proud of you!! This week, I came down with some sort of intestinal distress. Stomach bug? IBS? wuh? not sure what it was but I couldn't eat and I felt my insides leaking out. TMI. Sorry. So like our bodies like to do, they take their time healing inside and during that time I still had to walk quite a few miles and my appetite sucked. I've lost 5 pounds from this "diet". Not recommended and I'm sure once I"m fully healed some major cookie eating will be going down. Or not? But it's nice for the stomach to, literally, shrink and get back to basics again. I applaud you!!



I did a juice fast once. Was supposed to be three days of 3-4 juices each day. Shid. By 4:00 every day I'd had about 6 (the Naked or Odwalla thick and fruity ones with mmmmm added sugar). SO beside the point.

Regardless of my juice dumbness, I'm glad you made it through, came out with some realizations about your foodtunnel and yourself.


I would have killed someone and then thought briefly about eating them. I am a pig. I know it. A pig cannot live on juice.


I've walked by that juice store enroute to Taylor Gourmet and their nononomable roasted pork, provolone and broccoli raab sandwiches. I might have to stop by for something more virtuous.


My mom did one of those cleanses once - but 20 years ago they just gave you a bunch of "vitamins" (probably laxatives) to take. She was in the bathroom for the better part of three days.

Now that I think about it, that's probably the longest amount of time she'd had alone in years.


Maybe I should do a cleanse.


It's the shock to the system that gets to you rethink the way you're eating. For me, it was the surgery I just had - afterwards, I was too sick to eat for a day or so, and then my appetite was very slow to return. Once I got back to normal, it was astounding how much less I really needed to function. And none of the less was of the alcohol-fried stuff-candy-DONUT variety. Glad the juice worked for you - probably MUCH less unpleasant.


Whoohoo! Congratulations!

Reading through your post, you made me think of something a friend of mine suggested to me. I am getting ready to start this "life change" (I will not call it a diet, I will not call it a diet...) from The 17 day diet. My friend lost about 15 pounds in the first cycle, and the mom lost 5-8 pounds in the first week. Pretty much, it sounds sort of similar to your juice diet only you get to eat. It rids you of toxins, etc. It works on 3 17-day cycles. And sicne you don't have too much to lose, you may be able to do just the first 17 day cycle, and then go to the 4th cycle, which they call "maintain." And after the first two cycles? You're allowed to drink again (in moderations, of course!)

But, check it out. And perhaps most importantly, read the book instead of just following the food recomendations. It sounds stupid but I typically wouldn't read the book. The guy put in a lot of interesting facts and tidbits that are common sense but I didn't know/think about. :)


I have a juicer, and of course I don't use it as often as I said I would... but love it. (It's a Breville I bought after watching, Sick Fat and Nearly Dead)

BUT what I really want to know is what is in that almond milk drink. You made it sound divine. How can I make it at home?!


Try to eat real food, only. Perimeter of the grocery store only. And limited amounts of bread and grain. Just try it. You'll be grumpy for the first 4-5 days, but it will all be so worth it. I dropped all baby weight within 6 months. And my energy levels are great.


The day after I watched "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" I started a juice fast, planning to go a full 60 days. I lasted for 21 days, at which point I could no longer handle DRINKING. ANY. MORE. JUICE. I lost 21 pounds, kept half of it off ever since I quit. I want to do another 21 days... I'm trying to lose weight to be eligible for IVF.

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