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December 2012
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February 2013


Enough with the socks, can we now discuss the approximate eleventy metric tons of food my children now consume during any given week? It's just too ho-ho-ho-ironical for words, after spending most of my 27 (non-consecutive) months of pregnancy worried about my diet and calorie-intake-to-vomiting ratio, and then even more months of worried about their diets and how much milk they were getting and how many ounces they were gaining, and then obsessively coaxing hundreds of tiny wee spoonfuls of baby food into their mouths and wondering if they were eating enough and peeing enough and pooping enough...that now I'm surrounded by a pack of giant strapping boy-children who NEVER STOP EATING. Someone is ALWAYS hungry. (And conversely, someone else ALWAYS seems to be pooping. It's the circle of life groceries!) One granola bar is no longer an acceptable snack, unless it's immediately followed by ANOTHER granola bar and a side of Goldfish crackers and maybe a bowl of pistachios. Fifteen minutes after that, the bellies are back, skulking around the kitchen for graham crackers. We go through two giant boxes of Cheerios a week, and close to four gallons of milk. Two loaves of bread, minimum. I am perpetually... Read more →

Let's Talk About Socks, Baby*

*Ugh. Yes. With each passing year I am growing ever more aware that the bulk of my pop cultural references/puns are growing ever more outdated. I'm a walking Onion article. From 2003. Which is also suspiciously the last time I made a joke that could be considered "current" or "with-it" or "a far-out-happening-fun-time gag." ANYWAY. We need to discuss the above pile of socks. After letting my children's laundry pile up to embarassing levels over winter break — to the point where one or more of them were wandering into my bedroom every morning to mournfully inform me that they had no pants/underwear/socks/long-sleeve shirts, while I muttered fitfully from under the covers to just GET SOMETHING OUT OF THE HAMPER, Y'ALL GOTS NO PLACE TO BE TODAY ANYWAY -- I finally had to cave and run eleventy different loads of wash, one right after another. At one point, three complete wardrobes were arranged in teetering piles around my living room as I folded and folded and sorted and stacked. There were size 6s and 3Ts and 24 months to set aside, as everyone is solidly in 7s and 4Ts and 2Ts and I KNOW, it's like there's this whole mythical... Read more →

15 Things I Love About This, The Greatest Gift of All

Thing #1: Why yes! I do love this so much I might marry it. Thank you! Thing #2: He's inherited my favorite writerly colloquialisms. Dear Mom and Dad, I hop yall (ed. note: YA'LL! YES.) like this book. Yall proble be so prod of me (ed. note: DAMN SKIPPY). I love you. From Noah Thing #3: Seriously, though, he wrote us a book. Thing #4: All farms still have red barns, even when they actually don't. It's nice to see that life has not shaken his belief in the big red barn. Thing #5: This picture of our timbering tree. Thing #6: VIOLENCE. Thing #7: Trees on top of cars. TREES ON TOP OF CARS. No big deal, Mom. Thing #8: No detail is worth leaving out. You are learning well, young blogger-san. Thing #9: When your narrative drags, go with some hyperbolic exaggeration. (We did not drive over a river. It was more like a slightly dramatic puddle.) Thing #10: I...I did? I think Dad might nitpick this version of events, as Mom is a useless asshole. Thing #11: Seriously, I am coming off SO WELL here. He left out the part where I got all annoyed at my... Read more →