Sunrise, Sunset, Yeah, Okay, We Get It, Whatever

This Is Me Not Writing About Being Sick; This Is Me Writing About Being an Idiot

I took a couple half-hearted stabs at blogging yesterday — probably out of some pseudoephedrine-fueled psychosis where I believed I could make being sick "funny" — but I kept coughing mid-sentence and losing my train of thought, so all my attempts fizzled out and either became First World Whinefests or kind of gross, full of overshare-y details like what it's like to blow your nose and have stuff come out your tear ducts.

(See? Aren't you glad I spared you that one?)


By late afternoon I decided I felt a little bit better and that leaving the house sounded like a nice idea. Putting on pants, even! The sun was shining! It was a beautiful day and I AM SO HOPPED UP ON ADVIL RIGHT NOW WHEEEE.

So I took Noah to karate. Minutes after we arrived, I realized my phone (and thus my sole source of entertainment, because no offense, Precious Child o' Mine, but watching the 3,204,280th game of karate dodgeball is no longer the thrill it once was) had died. I also realized that my child was coughing. And sneezing. And sniffling. Profusely


He'd been completely healthy all of five minutes prior in the car, but apparently managed to come down with cold #4,293 somewhere in the parking lot.

His symptoms were obvious enough that the other parents in the seats ahead of me were shifting around uncomfortably and side-eying each other, clearly trying to figure out who the hell brought the contagious diseased child to class. 

Now, a normal, thinking human being would probably just get her kid's attention and leave, since obviously a regrettable — yet easily correctable — mistake had been made.

But you know, I'd put on paaaaaants

So instead, I also turned around, like, who the hell


Of course, this move would have been much smoother if I 1) hadn't been sitting in the back row, and 2) didn't start having a coughing fit right at that moment.

Being an expert in How To Adult, however, I had an escape plan ready to go before anybody could give me a dirty look: FAKE PHONE CALL.

My phone was dead, but I pulled it out, scowled at the imaginary called ID and pretended to answer it while getting up and heading out the door, like a POLITE cell phone user who was not at all the sort to show up and hack germs and parasites all over innocent people. 

Another mother and her child were just coming in as my fake phone call and I were exiting, and...I froze.

The obvious script "Oh hi yeah hang on I'm at karate let me step outside blah blah" flew out of my head, and I stood there blocking the door like an moron, with my mouth hanging open and my completely dead phone by my ear while this random woman stared at me, possibly wondering if I was having some kind of neurological incident.

"Oh hey..." I started, which only made the encounter more awkward, since NOW she probably thought I was talking to her instead of my fake phone call.

In a panic, yet committed to this stupid pointless charade that nobody else was probably even paying attention to until I went and turned it into a thing, I blurted out the first name that popped into my brain.






At this point the other mother was clearly aware that she was wasting precious seconds on a crazy person and stepped aside so I could leave. Which I did. With my phone still glued to my ear, where it remained until I was fully out of view from the glass-fronted karate studio. Because BEYONCÉ. 

I wandered over to a coffee shop and ordered a Mortification Tea for myself and a cookie for Noah. Which I waved through the glass windows at the end of class as bait because don't make me go back in there. It's not safe. I can't be trusted. Put on your shoes and let's go, omg. 

The good news is that I actually am feeling better today! The bad news is that several of the boys are now sick with a completely different cold that I will probably get, and also that I have no idea whether the Destiny's Child reunion rumors are true or not. Dammit Bey, I thought we were close!



I read this blog regularly (and lurve it!), but I have never commented, but I could not let this post pass. I have been laughing out loud for 10 minutes. Thanks for sharing! Hope everyone feels better soon!


Dying laughing here. Stop it.




Yeah, so Bey is going to be my new go-to for sticky situations. "Oops, Beyonce is calling, I *must* take it..."


Maybe you had large painted metal chickens on your mind....

Kim W.

Oh my god, this is so funny. I love you. (I very much want to remove that sentence so you don't think I'm a weird stalker stranger. But I think it's OK to profess love to fantastic bloggers, right?)


I needed this today. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to laugh at someone else's expense. Hope you feel better. I've been sick with "the cold" since Friday and can't shake it, either.


Haha (coughcough) - Beyonce!! I too have had that cold going on forever now. And, I faked a call too. To a mom in our group, who I called by name during the call, so the other mothers would not think I was crazy or anything. Then the "fake call" mom walked in the door, not talking on her phone. Yeah, had to make up a cousin with the same name pretty darn quickly. I am so sure that everyone bought it!!!


I'm sure she thought you were talking to the Bloggess' metal chicken.


My 4 year old used to get hat eye thing every time he had a cold. He would sneeze and stuff would fly out of his eyes. It happens less often now but it still icks me out when I think of it.

Call Me Jo

I'm just glad I'm not the only one who pulls the fake phone call stunt to get out of awkward situations! Though, in your particular case, it may have backfired a wee bit.
My the germ infestation already be on its way out!

Call Me Jo


Call Me Jo

I'm just glad that I'm not the only one to use the fake phone call ploy to get out of an awkward situation. Though, in your particular case, it may have backfired a wee bit!

I hope you all feel better soon!

Auntie G

Literally LOL.

But, PEOPLE! You need not use NAMES on your fake phone calls! No names = less chance of Beyonce-levels of hilarity and embarrassment. Just complain about something, as if you are dealing with corporate bureaucracy -- no one wants to eavesdrop on that shit. :)


This story just made my day... the name Beyonce keeps popping into my head and I laugh out loud all over again.


OHMYGOD I've been laughing for a full 5 minutes....hands down your funniest post to date....

Amy Lee

Bahahaha!That is tragic and hilarious.


beyonce? guuuurl. that's a good one!


Beyonce!!! Well, that just made my day. (You know, to know you are giving advice to Beyonce.)

Lisa @ Lisa the Vegetarian

That is SO something that would happen to me! I hope you and the boys get better soon and stay that way!

shin ae

That was awesome.


This was soooo funny! I cried. Good stuff here. :)


This is why I keep reading your blog. Thank you.

P.S. my 1 year old bit me on the ass the other night. Was giving my leg a hug, turned her head and took a chomp. WTF, toddler?


This made me laugh so hard! Which is great because my whole family is dealing with the 4 a.m. tornado-warning grumpfest.

It's been a lovely day, so far, as you can imagine.

So thanks for the entertainment!


I have read this three times because it is that funny. And it doesn't stop being funny, even after three times. I am so glad to know I am not the only one who pulls the fake phone call trick. Although, I must admit, none of my fake phone calls have ever been from Beyonce.


Oh my, this is awesome. Purely awesome.



kacie mitchell

I needed that are so f-ing funny. LOVE YOU! xo


Ugh, and is this year especially bad for the Neverending Cold Cycle, or am I just imagining things?

This reminded me of the time my mother-in-law, frustrated after a round of telemarketers calling for my husband (who obvs didn't live with his parents any more) that she told the next person who asked for him that he was dead. And it turns out it was an old friend from college looking for his current contact info. Hilarity eventually ensued.


I have been reading this blog for years. Maybe commented once...? But this. Omg. I am literally lol'ing, my three-year-old is looking at me like I've lost my marbles, and I'm gesturing at the monitor while saying things like "It's funny. The... the words. It's just... Funny." You are the best. Please don't ever stop writing (like *ever*).


Thank you for the LOLz. Tell Beyonce i said "hey"


I am dying. This is exactly the sort of thing that I would do, and it is quite hilarious when happening to other people OMG.

I hope you all are feeling much better soon!


Yeah, the eye-thing. I damaged my left eye as I kid, and to this day, when I sneeze or blow my nose my eye oozes. I'm so freaking sexy.

And, next time you talk to Beyonce, will you ask her what she *really* thinks of Kim Kardashian? I bet that is some funny shit.


Bey demands All The Attention. Tell her have Blue Ivy call BABY Ike. It's only right.


OMG, tears!! So funny.


Oh, haaaaaaaaa. Hahahahahaha. I love this!


YOU are flipping hilarious!


I actually LOL'd.


I just laughed so loudly in my empty office that I think the ficus jumped. You are too funny. I would like to live closer to you, I bet we could be friends. I am my group's designated "call me to get me out of this mess" person. I make up all sorts of shit to call people with. Next time I'm TOTALLY going to be Beyonce.


You crack me up....totally!


Once I walked into my office talking loudly on my cell to avoid speaking to a manager I didn't like who was sitting in the lobby. Just as I passed by, chirping phone started ringing. Loudly and in Vivaldi.
Just tell lip synching. SO uncool.


I actually worked with someone who has a sister named Beyonce. So, hey, it's not totally improbable you were talking to a Beyonce :)


I'm sitting here on my couch in a sea of tissues, trying to laugh but really just hacking up a lung because this is my LIFE. It's like you're stalking me. And my husband start coughing today and I swear, if I catch whatever he's throwing, there will be a punishment involved.


I. Cannot. Stop. Laughing.


That is funny. Of all the names to pop out of your mouth- that is a hard one to cover up! So what song do you think she should sing? LOL.


In a meeting...I shouldn't have read this. The smirk on my face was not well received! HAHAHAHAHA


Two days later & I am still remembering this with LOLing. If Bey knows what's good, she will start reading you ASAP.


This is my favorite post ever.


Oh my goodness. I first thought that the woman that was trying to get in the door was Beyoncé and that is why you were embarrassed, but after reading the comments I re-read the encounter and quickly stopped my searching Google to see if Beyoncé really did live in MC.


this is crazy. I just can't stop laughing. Keep up the good work.
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I inhaled rice from my lunch reading this but it was worth it. BEYONCE. Yes. Tell her hi from me next time you talk to her.


Stop! Too funny.

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