And It Only Took Us Seven Years

I Can Haz Cat? No I Cannot Haz Cat.

If it were up to ME, today's entry would have been the story about my new cat.

Mystery cat 1

Unfortunately, OTHER PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE do not subscribe to the "finders keepers also she really, really likes me!" philosophy of pet adoption. 

I was watching TV and kept wondering when someone on the show was going to acknowledge the crazy high-pitched meowing happening just offscreen. When it never happened, it dawned on me that OH. That there is a real cat. Who is definitely not MY cat, who is plenty prone to yowling but who has a much deeper voice. But damn, that is some loud-ass meowing.

I got up to investigate, by which I mean I walked confusedly around my house with a dumb baffled look for awhile, Hello cat? Are you there? Yes, This Is Dog, etc. And then I discovered a cat pacing in front of our kitchen window. It saw me and amped up its already desperate-sounding meowing. I walked out the front door and it ran right to me, purring and rubbing and sqwinching and in the 15 seconds it took me to pick it up and bring it inside I was already like, "WHELP I GUESS I HAVE A NEW CAT NOW ISN'T THAT JUST THE DARNEDEST THING."

Jason, on the other hand, was not onboard with my version of events. At all. First it took me 10 minutes to convince him that this was, in fact, A CAT, and that I had not just scooped up a baby lynx or mountain lion or pygmy tiger and brought it inside my home. 

Then he pointed out that MAYBE it wasn't the best idea to bring a strange cat into a house with three children and another cat and a dog because fleas? Vaccines? Rabies?

But it was obvious that the new love of my life was a very well-cared for cat. it was a girl, and although she had no collar and was thankfully not declawed, her coat and eyes and teeth were all beautiful and healthy. The popping sound of a can of wet cat food brought her running and she scarfed it up, and then daintily moved on to a bowl of kibble. She recognized the word "treat" and offered up her belly for me to rub.

I decided that she was an indoor cat who'd tragically gotten out and lost. Maybe her family had moved. Maybe she'd been abandoned. I decided that I was her savior, who would love her and care for her and put up a few dutiful flyers and then take her to the vet — where we would sadly learn that there was no microchip, alas! — and no one would call about the flyers AND SHE WOULD BE MINE. 

(Note that my fantasy world did not deal with the fact that Max [and probably Ceiba as well] would FUH-FREAK the fuck out over this cat — currently the only plan for that involved shutting them in our bedroom upstairs. Not exactly a long-term solution, but the practical part of my brain was not exactly firing on all cylinders in the face of SOFT FUZZY KITTEH BELLEH.)

I put on my shoes so I could run out for a litter box and maybe a collar and a bed and ooohhh some jingle balls and fuzzy mice, like Max used to love before he got all old and crotchedy. Jason put on his shoes so he could go see if anyone was outside looking for their damn cat.

As the hours went by, however, it became increasingly clear that the cat was not down with my vision of our happy, snuggly future together. She wanted back out. She'd had her food and gotten her explores on, and now she was ready to hit the road again. And she was getting increasingly ornery about it. I tried to pick her up again and she sank her teeth into my arm and kicked off my chest with her back claws. 

"It's okay!" I said, while running my bleeding wounds under some water. "I understand! It's a lot of love to accept all at once! You've been hurt before! You need some time and your space! WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK I SWEAR I STILL LOOOOOVVVVVVEEE YOU."

Jason coaxed her into a travel crate with some treats and went back out. Two different neighbors finally confirmed what I was starting to accept as the real story: She was definitely a neighborhood cat who liked to be out at night. Despite months of sightings, she remained clean and well-cared for (i.e. not a mangy-looking wild cat or indoor cat with no coping skills). She was notoriously friendly and one neighbor admitted that she thought she was a bit of a con artist when it came to begging for food. She'd shown up at her door, too, and although she didn't let the cat in (LIKE A SUCKER, LIKE MEEEEE) she did put some food and water out. 

"I didn't see her around in the winter so I stopped." our neighbor explained. "I think she mostly goes out when the weather is nice. Since she didn't find food here she probably decided to try another house." 

We came back home and watched the cat desperately search our house for a means of escape. She howled pathetically at every window and door. Jason told me it was time to admit we had someone's pet and needed to let her back out. I cried and protested that that would be irresponsible since we didn't know for SURE, besides, she was hungry! No collar! Let me keep her overnight and search for the owners in the morning. Maybe she's just looking for a litter box! LET ME GO BUY HER A LITTER BOX I PROMISE NOT TO BUY MOUSIE TOYS OR A COLLAR WITH THE NAME "ROCKY" ON IT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND IF YOU WANT TO BE INCLUDED IN THE NAME DISCUSSION. 

Jason let her out. We followed her for half a block before she crossed a lawn and entered the house through a pet door in the garage. 



Never mind. 

Mystery cat 3

So in the end, I do not have a new cat. I let Max and Ceiba out of our bedroom and they spent a couple hours running around and determining FOR SURE that whatever animal had been here was definitely gone. I grumbled about collars and pet tags and traffic and tried to get Max to cuddle with me, but I guess I smelled like Other Cat and he wanted nothing to do with me. The whole evening ended up being kind of a bummer. 

Mystery cat 2

But still. Of all the crazy wildlife that has randomly invaded my home over the years, she was by far my favorite. 



I want a cat. So bad. My husband pulls this bullshit excuse about hives, swollen eyes, anaphylaxis, epiPens and death. I just shake my head at his selfishness, his unwillingness to just pop a damn Primatene Mist every hour chased by a cocktail of Sudafed, Actifed, Zyrtec, and vodka. And maybe weed. Maybe.


Um. If she bit you please dear lord make sure she had a rabies shot.


If the cat did bite you be sure to watch it. My mom was bitten by a neighborhood cat and spent 2 days in the hospital with antibiotic IV's. Cat bites are the worst so be careful!


Rug! Love! Where's it from?


I would love a new cat and would probably have acted the same as you. In the meantime, I can take solace in my sweet cuddly indoor fluffy fur face, who would probably be pissed if I brought a new cat home.


Oh, what a sweet kitty!

A friend of mine had a cat like that who, quote, "cheated on us with another family." The cat would disappear from time to time, and they finally realized it was buddies with a family a few doors down, who had their own name for it and food dishes and everything.


Please - like the other ladies have said - get that bite checked out ASAP! Our own very well vacinated cat bit our daughter on her arm and drew blood. We took her to the ER and holy wow!! As soon as she said "cat bite" she was whisked into a private room, and doctors were falling all over her. Calls were made to our vet to confirm shots and health of cat. Apparently cat bites are taken very seriously. She was put on antibiotics right away and had to follow up with her own doc on a very regular basis as well.

And.....I do love the rings on the cat's tail. Beautiful cat!


Have you read Six Dinner Sid to the boys?


The "bite" is barely a scratch. More like a warning nick of "BITCH BACK OFF" than anything. I will watch it, though.

(There's admittedly a lot of hyperbole in this post.)



So I've mentioned to my husband, more than a few times, that I've always felt like we were you and Jason, but maybe 10 years behind? The similarities in personality are hilarious. This story is like, exact to life what would happen in our house. Posted Instagram pictures and all.
We have three (yes THREE, no I'm not a crazy cat lady), cats right now. The last one who I found as a wee kitten, starving (for realz, I could see bones) that I brought in. It was determined by me (and the vet!)he had no owner, due to the amount of worms he had and being so young. So I of course had fallen madly, deeply in love and we kept him. Would you believe my husband won't let me have a fourth? I have all this love to give and all these kittehs are out there asking for it!

Suzy Q

Oh, boy, did I need this today. Hilarious! Sad! Tragic! And, All Is Well, Except For In Amy's Broken Heart and Shredded Chest Skin, The End.

Thank You.


I love this post. I have been on both ends of it too. When I was little, the neighbor's cat sought shelter from a storm, and was ours on and off. Now, my own little cat is quite the roamer. She has spent a couple days away twice, and I think she went to a home each time. She's really skinny so I think people don't think she has a home, but now she has a collar, with our numbers :)


I loved this post too, and I really needed it this week. Thank you!


But, but, but! You have a new kitty friend now. I bet she will visit you again so you can love her and pet her and feed her, as long as you don't try to make her live in your house.

I also think you should get her that collar. I'd love to be a fly on the wall to see what her owners think when she comes home wearing it.


I have done the same thing many a time. Stupid beggar stray cats that only use you for food.


I have a cure for you. We live next to a "cat lady" and our yard is literally dripping with cats. (Slight hyperbole. Totally acceptable.) Still, I can assure you that living with 20+ cats trying to break and enter on a daily basis will cure you of ever wanting another cat.


You are such a bleeding heart! Consider yourself lucky that it wasn't a baby lynx or mountain lion after that bite!


What the hell? Who just let's their pets run all over the neighborhood- and without any identification at all?!? What if she was run over by a car or someone took her to an animal shelter... Or or...


Poor kitty. All I can think of is the stupid owners who let their kitty out. I see smooshed kitties on the road every day :(
Its a dangerous world out there for kitties.


So this happened to me, except I was the one whose cat got cat-napped. We had this big, loving, dumb as rocks orange kitty. He was overly friendly and loved to run inside random open doors of houses in our townhouse neighborhood. But somehow he always ended up outside again and would find his way home. Except for the one time he didn't. He was gone for about 2 months and we assumed he'd run away or in his dumbness forgotten where he lived. Until right before Xmas he showed up at the front door yowling. We found out later a family on the other side of the development had been taking care of him bc their kids fell in love with him. We still let him out and encouraged them to play with him bc why not? It was also kinda our fault for not having him microchipped. He is still around, dumb and sweet as ever.

The comments to this entry are closed.