Napkins As Roses & Turd Rocks On Tables...
Our House, In the Middle of the Living Room

Oh Right, My Left Foot

Lookit! I have a matching set again!


Like so many of my life stories, the One About My Foot eventually resolved itself in a boring, drama-less manner. I know many (MANY) of you were convinced that it was, in fact, broken and I'd gotten a shit diagnosis, because there's no way a human foot should look...well, like a bloated zombie appendage from an Eli Roth film.

It was not broken. It turns out I tore two ligaments, one on either side of my foot. The outer ligament tore completely, which would account for the horrid popping sound and sensation I heard as I toppled over. That was a Level 3 sprain; the valedictorian of sprains; the kind that can fuck with you for life. Huzzah! The inner ligament (which I was informed is much harder to tear, and my doctor was basically like, "HOW DAFUQ?") only tore partially. A Level 2 sprain. Which: Pfft. The other side of my foot is not impressed. Sack up, ho. 

The initial swelling and bruising that I subjected y'all to was likely made worse by the fact that 1) I continued to hobble around on my foot in Vegas, because VEGAS and it's not like you can just order up a buffet via room service, and 2) I had to fly cross-country three days later and remain mostly trapped in my seat, unable to keep my foot fully elevated OR walk the aisle to get the blood circulating, as by then I was seriously unstable and regretting my decision to skip the Good Drugs. Hence: BAM. CORPSE FOOT. 

ProTip: Try to injure yourself at home next time, jackass. 

But! The good news is that everything is healing very, very nicely. I won't need surgery, and most of my range of motion has returned. 

(The day I flexed my feet outward and then realized that both feet could finally bend the same distance was the day I Burst Into Tears About My Foot, Look Honey, LOOK, Isn't It Beautiful, Oh God, I Need A Pedicure.) 

My foot doesn't really hurt anymore; it just feels...weak. Like it's kind of a punk-ass wuss that I can't fully count on yet to be there for me when I need it. Like on a flight of a stairs, or stepping out of a car. I wore the hospital-issued ankle brace to Williamsburg to keep it safe from accidental jams and twists on old-timey sidewalks and streets, and I've been taking daily walks around the neighborhood with the stroller and wear a lighter support...thing for that. (An ankle girdle? Footie spanxx? Maybe.)

Uneven surfaces and curbs still make me vaguely panicky, and I seriously FREAK OUT at the sight of anyone on TV wearing super-high platform heels now, since I can't stop waiting for them — like me — to take just one slightly wrong step and go down like a flailing sack o' fail. It's like footwear-related PTSD. I can't even look at red carpet fashion photos without fretting over everybody's ability to make it safely to and from the restroom later, once they've had some wine and get laid out by some uneven carpet padding. 

But it is getting stronger, and jokes aside, I really AM taking it seriously and doing my therapy exercises and wearing supportive flats and all that. My Mother's Day gift was a little home foot whirlpool spa so I can continue to soak and ice it IN STYLE. And COMFORT. Like a BOSS. Like a boss who is never, ever going to live this bout of klutziness down. 

Photo (1)

Judging. Harshly.



Sometimes I feel bad because I think Ike might be the cutest kid ever and my son Ozzy is the same age which makes me a horribly unfit (dare I say--slutty?) mother for even thinking that about another 2 year old boy.

Then you go posting a photo of Ike with sunglasses on and I just can't help myself. Good lord, Ike is adorable!


I was walking to the car with my in laws on Saturday. We were on our way to a graduation. I was wearing white pants and my favorite blue heels. My heel caught in a little hole in the sidewalk, my ankle turned and down I went. I ended up at the graduation with dirt stained white pants, a bandaged knee and a sore ankle, but it was my ego that was injured worst of all. I thought of you.

Call Me Jo

At seventeen I took a spectacular fall down some stone stairs (if there had been YouTube back then, I'm sure it would have went viral). The result was a torn ligament, a stretched tendon and some crushed bone fragments. As a fellow member of the Sisterhood of Rickety Ankles, I salute you.


Yup - I hurt my knee (v. badly - reconstructive surgery badly) in high school when someone did that funny thing where they hit you in the back of the knee and your knee buckles (FYI - don't do that, ever). And I still - STILL - get nervous when people stand behind me. You know, 18 years later. Injury PTSD - I totally get it :)


Would love to see what you are wearing for "supportive flats," as I myself am in the market for such things. I have to think that you would pick something cute as well as functional, so recommendations please!

Jen B

What kind of supportive flats? I'm also in the bum left foot club and I had given up on the idea of being able to wear flats anymore because I haven't found anything "supportive."


footie spanxx?!! You are a comic genius!!


I tore a ligament in my foot once (drinking injury). It took a long time to get better, and even know, 10 years later (! Christ how old am I?) it stil hurts if I walk barefoot on uneven surfaces like sand at the beach and whatnot.

I would recommend holding on to the foot spanx--I used to put mine on when my foot was bothering me and it would help a lot. I'm still sad I lost mine.

Glad yours is finally feeling better!


What flats what flats OMG WHAT FLATS? I am a recovering high-heel wearer and need more supportive flats. I have a pair of Clarks but they only seem to make flats in black and dark brown. Hello, navy? Nude patent? Leopard?


I'd love to know if you will be retiring your high heels for good now. I've never taken a spill like that from wearing heels, but I still get a little panicky seeing celebrities wearing them.

For those looking for supportive flats you might like this site

PJ Greetings

I am sorry to hear of your injury but I did laugh my butt off reading your post. Hope you heal quickly!


OOH! Shoe talk! Yes.

Flats: More so than any specific brand of shoe I am ALL ABOUT the inserts. Dr. Scholl's, baby. I think just about every pair of shoes I own now has a gel insert in it. They even make these great arch support-only ones that you can put in sandals and they remain completely invisible:

Buy them, use them, love them. And then you can wear whatever totally cute (but completely flat/support-less) sandal you find at Target or Old Navy.

So with a good insert, I can just wear Converse or totally flat sandals and still keep my arches (which are very high) supported, and I find they help me walk better and more mindful of how/where I'm stepping, so I'm more balanced and my ankle feels less wobbly/weird.

As for shoes right out of the box? I actually think Tom's are kinda decent in the arch area as flats go. Although I own two pairs [the crocheted style, in black and yellow] I STILL feel like they are...not really that cute and make my feet look weird, even though EVERYBODY ON EARTH around here is wearing them. Tom's are the New Ugg, maybe.

(There is also this:

I also (oh God don't judge me) have a pair of black ballet flats from (SHUTUP) Crocs that are amazingly comfortable and look like any other basic ballet flat. They are my secret shame and I love them so.

For dressy shoes I splurged on a pair of sparkly Sam Edelman's and added a gel insert. Really nice and fit my foot great -- and my foot is NOTORIOUSLY weird about most flats. Which is why I would usually go with heels, because they just fit me better.

Rocketdog makes some nice casual flats and sneakers too, but I won't wear them without adding an insert.


Many years back I emailed you for a stylist referral. I had a dream job interview coming up but my left ankle was in a cast. You kindly referred me to your stylist who was then in Tenleytown.

I broke mine in Belize on my honeymoon (no. during a bike ride). Bimalleolar fracture that required a surgical repair. In practice that meant, a day without pain meds, a tiny airplane ride to Belize City for a cast to stabilize for the ride home. Torn ligaments and all that as well.

I recommend elevating and resting the ankle when you can. typing at home? Up. Watching movie? Up. Resistance bands help with weakness and you can gradually work your way up.

Flats: Dansko and Sanita make good supportive shoes. They used to be pretty matronly but now they come in leopard, snakeskin, and just about any color you ever wanted. Born is good as well.

But really, rest and elevation will help the most in avoiding swelling.


I remember in college I had a concussion and had to go to the doctor like three times a week. Once the doctor looked at my shoes and said, "Those aren't very supportive. You need something with more support." Seriously? She expected me to sacrifice style just for the possibility of not falling down or something?

I used to wear heels a lot but I have to walk a lot--like three miles on most days--so I own like five pairs of black flats. Not particularly nice ones, because I am a poor grad student, but on the plus side, I manage to ruin any shoes, expensive or not, pretty quickly. So at least this way I don't feel so bad about wearing holes in the back of expensive shoes. Maybe I walk wrong or something.

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