Last Minute DIY Holiday Decorating Tips
Holiday Portraits of Incompetence

Merry Belated Christmas. Here's a Crappy Numbered Listicle Post.

1) Homeownership. Fuck yeah!

On twas'd the night before Christmas, our water heater broke. No hot water.  A plumber came on the twas'd morning after Christmas and fixed it, and also replaced our leaking-since-Thanksgiving garbage disposal, after determining that my solution (PUT A BOWL UNDER IT) was probably not going to work for us long-term. So that was fun and spendy and gaaaahhhh.

2) What blogger is this? 

I got sewing machine! Like for to sew things on, all crafty and domestic and shit. I haven't taken it out of the box yet, because I am kind of intimidated by it. (Even though it looks like one designed for people like me [IDIOTS], with lots of buttons labeled with pictures, like the hospital check-in register thing in Idiocracy. IS A BABBY FALLING OUT OF YOU? PRESS HERE FOR BACKSTITCH.)

The last time I used a sewing machine was in 8th grade Home Ec. I made a hideous bright red sweatshirt. First I sewed the neckhole shut, then got my own shirt sleeve snagged in the machine needle and attached it to the sweatshirt's sleeve, a feat of physics and angles that baffles and impresses me to this day. 

I am hoping to make a small pillowcase, convert some too-small prefold diapers into nighttime inserts, and hem a pair of pants. Prepare y'all's tits for a post wherein I attempt one of those tasks and accidentally set the house on fire. 

3) Holiday scenery

The "real" camera is still buried somewhere in the holiday detritus, so here are some pictures from my phone, when I ordered the boys to sit still in their ridiculous matching PJs (sheep! they were covered in Christmas sheep!) and pose for "at least one decent picture, for God's sake, it's Christmas."

xmas jams 1


xmas jams 2


xmas jams 3


(Bonus points because Noah said, "Everybody say Best Christmas Ever!" right before I took this one.)

xmas jams 4


xmas jams 5


xmas jams 6

Aaaand this might be my favorite photo of them ever, with mega bonus points for the vaguely alarmed-looking Elmo photobomb. 

4. You say it's your birthday.

Why yes, it IS my birthday. Feel free to make a huge fuss, absolutely. Shucks and gosh! You shouldn't have!

I am 36 and now officially out of any and all demographics that might be described as "coveted." The sewing machine is probably not going to help anything, as I'll now be free to be that weird old person who shows up to parties with crooked "upcycled" handtowels as hostess presents, possibly still attached to my own clothing/bloodied body parts.

To celebrate, I'm gonna half-ass this post and then take a shower courtesy of my new fancy water heater thermostat that the plumber said is only gonna buy us a year or so before we have to replace the whole thing. Awwww, yeah, it's a party. 




Happy Birthday!


The best way to handle the sewing machine is to only sew flat, square things like curtains, blankets, etc. Things with long, straight seams-- no curves, no 'easing' or any of that BS.


Happy birthday, and have a nice shower. Love the pictures of the boys and the Elmo photobomb.


Happy Birthday!!


Happy Birthday Amy! Hope you have a wonderful day!


Happy Birthday!

I need PJs with singing Christmas sheep. Although my Christmas pjs do have Christmas moose. I sewed them and I tried making them hip hugging...yeah, more like half butt hugging. And I actually went to school for fashion design...

Heather (Laptops to Lullabies)

Happy Birthday!!!

And yes, that Elmo photobomb is almost TOO awesome -- he looks like he's being held against his own will.


Happy birthday! :)

Sue W.

Happy, Happy Birthday, Amy! I hope yours is better than mine was yesterday. Somehow with those three adorable boys of yours, I think it will be!


Happy birthday!!


Happy Birthday!!

PS. I got a sewing machine for my birthday this year... it's not that bad....


Happy Birthday!
The boys are so sweet but man, I have to say, Fearful Elmo takes that photo to a whole 'nother level of awesome.


Yeah, woke up the day before Christmas Eve with water all in the bedroom and bathroom floor. Was able to get a plumber, and the options were New Hot Water Heater, or it might be a broken water main under the slab. I took the Hot water heater, and prayed. Bonus for going to the bank to get savings money to pay for New Hot Water Heater, and stepping in a hole on the way back, in front of said plumbers, and falling badly. Negative points because the plumbers only gave me a 9.00 discount for cash,and the impressive fall I took. That should have been easily worth 50.00 or more off. Did I mention that this was my unemployed brother's house? I live 2 hours away.


Happy Birthday!


Happy Birthday!!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love your blog so much. Your boys keep getting bigger but are still just as cute. What great pics. Hope you have a wonderful birthday and new year!!!


Super-duper happy birthday! I'd wish you lots of yummy cake, but I don't know how well that sugar would differentiate from the various Christmas cookies and other goodies. Maybe that nice shower really IS the best way to celebrate....


Our water heater went out last Friday! My husband got rid of the kids then spent all of Saturday replacing it. And then he realized that it wasn't venting properly and we'd have a build up of carbon monoxide and the entire house would eventually implode. Or something. So he emptied that one and returned it to the store on Monday and bought an electric one instead, then spent Monday and part of Tuesday watching YouTube videos on how to run wires and perform magic, electricity spells and then he finally got it hooked up. So we could take a hot shower. Homeownership isn't for pussies, is what I'm saying.

Also happy birthday and Merry Christmas! Go find some wine and sew something! Speaking from experience its totally possible to sew drunk.


Happy Birthday! Elmo was my favorite part of this post... please never stop blogging!

Her Ladyship

Happy birthday! Remember, hot water is quite a gift in and of itself!


Oh, a blown hot water tank is nothing. How about an ice storm that has made you be without power since last Saturday and it won't be back on until NEXT WEDNESDAY. Any water that isn't melted snow would be amazing. TWELVE DAYS. I'm going crazy. It was a dim and cozy Christmas, that's for damn sure.

Suzy Q

Happy Birthday! And, you are still in the coveted 18-45 TV demographic, so put that in your glass and smoke it.


Happy birthday!!!!!!!! I love your blog even though my children are 23 and 26. I've been reading for 4ish years and look forward to every post. Best wishes to you and yours.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Your boys are so so cute and I'm sure you're still totally a MILF even at the ripe old age of 36 (I say this as a 38 yo) so I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE OLDER! so there.




36? Pfft, you're a mere child. Have a wonderful birthday!


Happy birthday! Poor Elmo.


Happy birthday! You're still well inside your mid-thirties (they last until you're 38 and a half, at least), and that's a pretty nice demographic.

Also, the last photo is insanely cute.

Lynda M Otvos

Well, hell's bells, Someone's having a party for her birthday. Or did I not read that correctly ?~! The pictures are getting better every year and love that they're doing the smile prompts !~!


Oh. This. THIS. For being a crappy listicle, I was dying laughing. LOVE the Elmo photobomb, that is one to hold onto! Hope you have a fantastic birthday! Thanks for always making me smile (except for when I check your blog 800 times a day and see it's not been updated :/…)


Happy Birthday! Today is my daughter's 2nd birthday.


Happy birthday! Mine is tomorrow. Long live December birthdays. Down with Christmas-birthday presents! (I'll be 34. My husband and I just spent a sad amount of time discussing how to rearrange our furniture. This is exactly what my 24-year-old self imagined.)


Happy Birthday Amy!!! Thank you for such wonderful reading over these many, many years (ha).
Loved the last photo with the "vaguely alarmed-looking Elmo photo bomb."
Enjoy your wine & work on developing some mad sewing skilz.


PS dontcha just love the idea of your boys as adults laughing uproariously together at these photos?!


Happy birthday!!! Thanks so much for sharing your beautiful boys with us.


Happy birthday! I hope you enjoy that new thermostat you bought yourself. What a great present! ;)

Love the photos.


Have a wonderful birthday, Amy! Get crazy and sew a Lego cozy or something.


Love the pics of the boys. A sewing machine is just an inanimate object, not unlike a computer. I've been sewing for years and you're smarter than I am:)

Sarah Lynn

Happy Birthday! Happy New Year!


This post made me giggle, especially the Elmo photobomb :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!


Happy Birthday!! also that elmo probably needs counseling. Just saying


Happiest of day after birthday to you! And yeah, that Elmo is suspiciously frightened. You'd think he'd be difficult to alarm since kids and adults alike are always fondling him OH MY GOD I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON.


Happy Birthday!
I signed up for this online home ec class and love it. And you have access forever so you can work at your own pace and reference back to it in the future.
I swear I am not one of the authors - just really, really, really like the class.


Yesterday was my birthday also. Merry birthmas to the both of us! Although it is excellent for avoiding any and all awkward-trying-to-amp-back-up-to-party-mode-two-days-after-Christmas festivities. I'm absolutely in love with the trio of sheep jammies, and Elmo's fearful photo bomb made me lol! You bring me joy.


"prepare y'all's tits" = your birthday present to me. Even though mine's in July.


Cute group photo with elmo photobomb is awesome. Seriously. Blow that up like 5ft by 5ft and put it above your loveseat. ;) Also, how exactly do you prepare one's tits?


By the way, this is the 2ND time that I have acted as if I know you personally, while showing someone else your blog. I don't know what that means or if that's creepy/flattering/back off psycho, but there it is. I read a ton of your archives when pregnant and I love the way you write and watching those kiddos grow!


Happy Birthday!
I own a sewing machine too, still in the box because I am scared!
Last picture also my favorite. I've long ago given up on the "perfect" picture and will settle for all 3 kids in the shot, no one crying, and no underwear showing (after Christmas 2008 where I did NOT realize that my oldest's Transformer underwear were sticking out. Professional photos too!)


G Street Fabrics has a lot of sewing classes at their Rockville location. I got a sewing machine for Christmas too, and I signed up for classes starting this weekend. They're long (6+ hours!) but I figured I needed professional guidance lest this machine become a giant paperweight.


Didn't want to say happy birthday on Facebook because you'd wonder who this strange person was wishing you a happy birthday, but Happy Belated Birthday. I remember when you turned 30.


Is that the Hug Me Elmo? My almost two-year-old got that guy for Christmas and has named him Too Big Elmo. He's heavy!

lauren jonczak

You have beautiful kids! Happy birthday. I am sorry to hear about your water heater breaking right before Christmas. My favorite gift that I gave this year was a metal photo printing of the old love letters that my grandfather wrote to my grandmother when they were kids. She was so moved she cried, which is something she never does. One of the best Christmases that I have had in a really long time. I hope you and your family have a happy and healthy new year.

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