The Threeiest Three to Ever Three
The Get-Off-Your-Ass Chart

The Night of the Traveling Ike

Jason's away this week, off upstate in the middle of nowhere, doing work-related fly fishing. Which is a thing, I guess. Business fishing. A River Runs Through IT Consulting. I don't know. But it means the kids and I have had an extra heaping dose of togetherness this week.

And it's all been fine! Jason gave the boys a SERIOUS TALK about helping Mom around the house before he left, which I then supplemented with straight-up bribery. I WILL GIVE YOU MONEY FOR DOING THINGS THAT ARE NOT FIGHTING.

Also you can watch a movie every night, as long as Mom Has Not Had It and Does Not Need It To Be Bedtime Right This Second. I taught Noah how to vacuum and make macaroni & cheese, Ezra's watering the garden and putting silverware away, and Ike...

Well, Ike's been here! That's for sure. 

Although last night, on the other hand...

I put everybody to bed after their movie — it was late so both Noah and Ezra were practically asleep by the time I closed the door, while Ike didn't even wait for me to leave before attempt Bed Escape #1 of the night. 

I scooted him back into bed and went downstairs to find some girly indie love story movie to watch — THE TELEVISION IS MINE! IT'S GONNA BE ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE GIVING EACH OTHER KNOWING LONGING LOOKS THROUGH THEIR PAIN ALL UP IN THIS BITCH — and tried to ignore the repeated sounds of the door opening, the multiple drinks of water at the bathroom sink, the fetching of yet another super important book or Lego figure or God knows what. 

"BACK TO BED, IKE," I probably hollered up once or twice, because I am super involved and effective like that. 

Finally, all was silent. So I went up to check on everybody — my usual ritual of making sure no one's hanging off the edge of the bed or asleep in the laundry basket, plus collecting covers and pillows from the floor, removing excess books or Lego figures or God knows what from under their bodies. 

Noah, check. Ezra, check. Ike...

Well, Ike was not there. 

Okay. I guess he didn't return after one of those excursions after all. I peeked in his old room, then my room, then my office. The bathrooms, maybe? I checked my bed again, then their bed again. I went downstairs, then to the basement. 

No Ike. 

I did another lap around the house, calling for him this time, both irritated and vaguely alarmed. Who loses a kid in a townhouse? Who gets so into feeling sad about the loss of James Gandolfini and baffled by the reverse hotness aging process of Julia Louis-Dreyfus that she doesn't realize her child has wandered off, and apparently wandered off FOR SERIOUS, because I was now on my third frantic search of the house and there was still no sign of him. The front and back doors were still locked, so. Okay.

I was out of ideas, so I figured I'd go back upstairs and start over. 

As I neared the top of the stairs, I suddenly noticed something...

Photo 1 (29)

Something I could just barely make out in the shadows...

Photo 5 (4)

(If life was a J-horror movie, this is when he would've woken up and looked at me with the light reflecting in his eyes, causing me to fall down the stairs and die. My death would be ruled an accident, until some unlucky investigator would come around asking too many questions, awaking the ancient curse of the demonic dustbunnies who live under the crib.)

Photo 3 (14)

He didn't wake up. I assume he went under there to retrieve his pencil and then decided he was actually kinda sleepy. 

I understand — I had to lie down on the stairs for a few minutes there myself until my heart started up again. I hadn't even noticed it had stopped. DEAR GOD, CHILD. 

(Cat-owners. You feel me. It's like when your cat goes missing and you run around looking for him and calling for him and shaking treat containers and trying to remember when you last opened the front door oh God do you think that's possible? Do you think he got outside? And then you find him just chilling on a pile of towels on the top shelf of the linen closet, all, "What?" Yeah. Like that.)



That is why we have one of the baby knob covers on the inside of my youngest a door. She was prone to night wandering and her room is at the top of the stairs.


now I have to know--did you get him out from under there or just let him sleep?


Oh, I swear my cat can apparate. She used to get lost in my studio apartment and I'd look literally everywhere (and it wasn't even that big) and fear she'd escaped (which was a stupid conclusion because she hated outdoors and other people, etc.), and then she'd suddenly appear in the hallway out of nowhere. She used to hide on a ledge up the chimney sometimes, but I even started checking the ledge eventually and sometimes I swear she was just completely gone.

Sue W.

Now I know why you color your hair. To cover up all that grey!


I second sbc's comment -- I wanna know how long he stayed there after you found him/how you extracted him and got him to bed. And this could start your career as a wildlife photographer at night on the veldt!


I found my 4yo curled up on the bottom shelf of her IKEA Hensvik, which is on the same wall as the door so I couldn't see her at first - checked under the bed, then WTH?! She was amongst stuffed animals, looking *awfully* crowded.


LMFAO! Kid's be like, not that comfy bed. I want to sleep on a hard surface.
I can relate!


Oh my God - I have those same experiences with our cat all the time. How does she get in the linen closet in the first place?!

Oh Ike. The trouble you would get into with my 2.5yo. She would be tearing up all the books in her room, and Ike would be under the bed retrieving the torn pages. A match made in heaven.

And I just watched that Gandolfini/JLD movie the other night with my husband. We were both talking about missing Gandolfini and remarking on the fact that JLD almost never acts in movies, apart from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and that was a LONG time ago.

Suzy Q

Yes, definitely cat-like behavior. Oh, Ike!


This. THIS is why I would like to keep my two year old in his crib FOREVER. OMG. I'm having another baby in November, and I need to just suck it up and put him in a big kid bed, but the thought of him having sweet, terrible freedom at night is killing me.

Ike looks really cute all curled up under there though.


I love your posts! Can't wait for the next adventure, and the next and the next....


What a cute, albeit alarming, story! I can totally see this as a storybook or something of equal cuteness. You should definitely preserve it in some way for him to look back on someday! I don't have kids, but I can definitely commiserate on the cat front.


I'm shocked that no one has commented on how incredibly CLEAN it is under his bed! I'm kind of ashamed of my house right now...definitely not clean enough for a child to sleep under my beds...



I may have to quote you, is what I'm saying:).


That pencil better have the best motherfucking lead EVER.


Dustbunnies? You have NO dustbunnies. Will you be my mommy?


"A River Runs Through IT Consulting"



I totally feel your pain! One morning, when my daughter was 3 and my son was a few months old, I got up super early and decided to check on the kids. Steven was snoozing in his crib, but Lori was nowhere to be found. Just as I was about to have a breakdown because I couldn't find her, I noticed a box upside down on Steven's floor. You guessed it - my daughter had curled up underneath the box and fallen asleep. It took a few minutes for my heart to start beating again! :)


I used to do this to my mom all the time! There is a classic photo of me under the bed curled up with the cat where we are both passed out. I used to hide in the round racks at department stores and fall asleep too. Come to think of it I'm never letting my child out of her stroller as I have a lot of payback coming my way!


Haha! This happened to me once about 10 years ago when I was babysitting. The oldest child (8 years old) was very prone to acting out. He'd lock me out of the house, hide things, etc.

He was supposed to be reading quietly in his room while the youngest 2 boys napped. I went up to check on them and he was GONE. Searched everywhere. Upstairs, downstairs, outside, EVERYWHERE. I was terrified because I thought I lost someone else's child.

I finally found him, hiding under his baby brother's crib while the baby slept.



These youngest children, I swear! They are trying to scare us to death. I came home at lunch a few days ago to discover mine (age 6) standing on the sidewalk in front of our house, having ESCAPED FROM DAY CAMP. I nearly had a heart attack and am clearly still not over it. That kid is on lockdown for the foreseeable future.


I lose my cat like that sometimes and it *freaksmeout*, even though I totally know she's in the house somewhere (I think?!?!), but I cannot finnnnnd her, and I'm almost 100% maybe sure she's not outside, but where the heck IS she?! So, I feel your pain, lady. I cannot *imagine* if it were my child, though. Given the Missing Cat Panic, any Missing Child Panic would probably turn me into a basket case. You're a stronger woman than me! :-)


My youngest....
By the time he was 5 we had to start giving him melatonin at night because the all night rave party featuring Laurie Berkner HAD to stop. Seriously, I would be sound asleep (cause work = 5am wake up) and suddenly be jolted awake by "we are the dinosaurs" at full blast. Child would be dancing, naked naturally, with every light on (or sometimes no light but a glow necklace he had a never ending stash of). Now? 3 mg of melatonin before stories and I don't hear from him until I wake him (it's a beautiful thing)


That last photo is going into the slides for his rehearsal dinner, right?

Our cat has a penchant for crawling up in a hole he clawed in our boxsprings...first time he did that caused major worry!


YES! Exactly this has happened to me and I had the same panic followed by the fear of finding them in the shadows. Should we just get kennel crates? They seem to love being enclosed in a den-like environment.


My oldest did that cat thing. She climbed into a laundry basket and pulled a blanket over herself. I nearly died trying to find her.


We came back from a date night and asked the babysitter how everything went. She said fine and went to my then 3 year old's room to get her shoes and I followed to kiss my boy. But there was no boy in the bed.... so I asked, "where's Michael?"... The poor babysitter was about to collapse..."He was just here... he has to be here..." I swear I had never seen someone so terrified! We turned on the lights and looked around just to find him on the floor asleep... He had fallen of the bed and landed on a long pillow and was peacefully asleep... After that night, every time that babysitter came, we would find her sitting by my son's door waiting for us...

Sarah A.

I have to echo kdiddy... "A River Runs Through IT Consulting"... Hilarious! Amy, you are so gifted and I really love your blog. Keep it up!

Nikita K

This gave me such a good laugh today! I would've been beyond terrified in your shoes, but reading it now is just too funny

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