Bedrest Sightseeing

All Tucked In & Ready For ZZZZZZ

Hello from the flip side, yo. I am typing this post-surgery, from my phone, while on ALL THE MEDS IN THE WORLD.

Everything went well on Saturday, aside from the things that didn't, and I will spare you details because gross gross gross. (It involves the words "wear-at-home surgical drains" and "loss of suction" and oh dear, I believe I've said too much.) It's all good now though, and much less like a scene from Carrie. (AMY! SHUT UP!)

(I was sent home with something called an "ON-Q" pain relief system, in addition to a bazillion pills. It's basically an IV of local anesthetic housed in a spiffy little fanny pack I wear around my waist. Tres chic!)

It turned out that the umbilical hernia was far worse than expected. Very deep and much larger. The entire surgical team agreed that it was a very, very good thing to get corrected now, because that bitch was a total stealthy punk-ass troublemaker. (And it's the wound area that hurts the fucking most. Go figure.)

And the ear lump was a classic ol' cyst after all, not a lipoma. It's all gone now, being biopsied (not concerned about it), and the scar is strategically hidden under my hair. That area feels so much better, like a huge amount of pressure just popped like a balloon. I can't believe I was ever able to ignore it for so long.

AND FINALLY, an update on the awful tacky vain superficial part of it all - I cannot look at my stomach yet because it's just too gross and REAL, but I've been told I will be pleased. And my doctor pointed out (as all modesty is waaaay outside the window by now) that removing the heavy extra skin below gave me a free bonus mini-boob lift, and YES HOT DAMN. Those things nursed three babies and I'm happy for any success they achieve. They deserve it. Treat yo self, Amy's Boobs.

(Wow, yeah. Muscle relaxants, fanny pack meds and blogging are maybe not the best combo because I think my brain to typing fingers filter is passed out cold or just really drunk.)

This morning I managed to put socks on all by myself, have a cup of coffee, and give all the boys tentative side-hugs/kisses/annahighfives. Ike thinks my ear lump bandage is hilarious and keeps pointing and laughing at me and calling me Baymax. My MIL is helping out and when I got home from surgery Jason had flowers on my nightstand and the refrigerator stocked with all the matzoh ball soup I could possibly eat.

So I am doing well. I am very, very bored, but unfortunately have the attention span of a LOOK SQUIRREL!!! and tend to fall asleep every hour or so. I've spent about 45 minutes typing this (because PHONE) and welp, that's probably enough Internet for today.

Thanks for all the well wishes and understanding, y'all. More later, though hopefully not so...whatever this mess was.



Glad to know you're ok, Amy's boobs!


Feel better soon, Amy! Glad to hear you're on the mend and got a bonus mini boob lift for all your trouble!


Thanks for the update! It sounds like everything, once you've recovered, will be grand and better and I am glad for you.

Sue W.

So glad you made it through! Take those meds and rest. We'll be here, sending healing thoughts your way.


Oh, you're very cute on narcotics;).


Glad you are recovering with sense of humor intact. Hoping for a speedy and uneventful recovery for you!


Really glad to hear all went well. Heal up fast!


I thought about you often this weekend. Glad to hear you are doing well!


Glad all went well! Prayers for a speedy recovery!


Heal fast! Take your meds, b/c that's what they're there for - unless they make you nauseous, then be stoic and shit and just take OTC stuff so you don't throw up with all those stomach stitches.


I'd like to be the first to Internet yell PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN but seriously no. I don't want to see that.

Heal quickly my friend.


Glad to hear all went well. Here's to a speedy recovery!


I hope you are at 100% soon.


Best wishes for successful recovery!

Holly W.

You're my favorite.


So glad you're doing okay. And you deserve a little hot damn in your life.


I've been reading your blog for ages, so I might as well delurk now to say that I had the exact same operation 7 months ago. After my 2 C-sections, I had an umbilical hernia, severe diastasis recti and looked perma-pregnant. The first 3 or 4 days post-op were so tough (thank God for the meds), but it slowly gets better, and 5 weeks later I was feeling good enough to travel abroad and look at apartments to rent. And I'm so happy I did this, I can feel my core again and I got to ditch all my tent-like camouflage tops, yay :) Just be prepared for the swelling to last for a long time - I still swell sometimes. Instagram helped me so much in the first weeks post-op, there is a wonderful, supportive network of people going through the same recovery process - I created a new profile and added other tt profiles. I wish you a speedy recovery!


I'm glad everything went generally okay-ish. Sounds like it was a good thing you had it done when you did!


"Treat yo self, Amy's Boobs" = my favorite quote of 2014

Glad you're the mend - it's scary stuff. I believe ice cream is also an appropriate treatment for this type of situation.


Legit laughed out loud at the line "Treat yo self, Amy's Boobs." In the pediatric audiology office. People stared.

Suzy Q

It's always good to come out the other side of surgery without major complications. Feel better soon!


Good move getting hernia fixed because my 80 yo mother did not have that opeion and what she is dealing with..... omg it is like a alien has attached to her body. If you are really high and or want a good laugh email me and i'll show you the video of or GI track in action. Yikes.


Hooray!!! So glad you had it done, it sounds like it was vital! Sending you love and happy drugs. Keep doing bored-posting please!


Yay yay yay! Happy perky boobies. Soooo glad you are through surgery, feel better soon!


You have tubes coming out of you right now?! I can handle blood and guts and gore... but there's something about tubes. I would be in a constant state of panic attack. I'm glad you survived and I love the drugged up post. Keep em comin!


JASON!!! Pay attention, this is important!!!

My husband had one of those on-q things when he came home from his hernia surgery, and they had me remove it (my special medical skills include being a Girl Scout leader and paying extra attention when watching ER 15 years ago, so, yeah...).

The most important rule for removing the tube is this:


You're welcome.

Your new best friend,
Another Amy


JASON!!! Pay attention, this is important!!!

My husband had one of those on-q things when he came home from his hernia surgery, and they had me remove it (my special medical skills include being a Girl Scout leader and paying extra attention when watching ER 15 years ago, so, yeah...).

The most important rule for removing the tube is this:


You're welcome.

Your new best friend,
Another Amy


Happy, happy for you and sooooo jellies right now!! Had the three c-sections (one emergency) so I have a front ass where my stomach should be. Sadly, no hernia ( I know; I don't really want a hernia, but I do want my front ass gone) and no funds for a tummy tuck.
Am anxious to see the results!! Heal quickly and buy yourself some crop tops, yo!

Snarl Furillo

Glad things went well and you're on the mend! Enjoy those painkillers and get a lot of sleep!

Sue C

Ahh, yes, the hernia repair! I had a small umbilical hernia repaired during my gall bladder removal several years ago. The gall bladder removal didn't trouble me at all, but hoo boy! That hernia repair HURT! Many sympathetic empathy pains for you! Heal well!


So glad you're on the mend! And, you are fantastic :) You totally deserve a extra awesome tummy and boobs and I'm glad a bunch of trolls didn't show up other than that one that we mostly ignored, or else the rest of us would have had to whoop some troll ass. Figuratively speaking.


Glad all is well, and I totally hear you about the tubes. I had a lower body lift (a tummy tuck plus some ass and hip work thrown in) after weight loss surgery and went home with that glorious pain med fanny pack and 4 drains. My family was great about taking care of me, but the drains were the deal breaker for most of them. My Mom shrugged it off, and I was oddly fascinated by them, but everyone else made me cover them up when they came to visit. I admit I looked rather gruesome right after the surgery, but the final results were well worth the ickyness in between! You'll be rocking the Hot Mom bod soon. ;-)


Pics or it didn't happen. :)

Glad you're recovering well! I hear wine mixes well with medical grade pain killers.

... Seriously, the Internet wants pics of this belly button hernia.

Fraulein N

I just had surgery in August and you are going to feel like 500 times better after those drains come out. Like an actual human and everything. Get well soon!


Wow, I am so glad you posted about this! I also had two C-sections and an umbilical hernia that seems to be getting worse. Now I have a new years resolution for 2015 to get that checked out! (unfortunately my post-pregnancy boobs are NOT fantastic, you're very lucky)


I'm super impressed that you did this whole post on meds, ON YOUR PHONE, with no typos!

And glad everything went well. Speedy recovery!

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