Mall Santa 2014: Ain't Hardly Even Trying
Facing My Fear Straight In Its Horrible Lava Face

Things That Happened & Other Assorted Stuff

Oh yeah, look at me, blogging SO MUCH MORE, just like I promised. I am nothing if not hella consistent with being a huge goddamn flake. Anyway, here are some things that happened:

1) Jason indeed got snipped. He has offered to write a guest post about the experience, and I have accepted that offer, provided I am allowed to interrupt his entry with a lot of Parenthetical Editorial Comments. Please to expect follow-through on this idea at some point in late 2016.

2) While that procedure was literally in progress, I went and met my friend's brand-new baby boy. I held him, smelled his head, and even changed an up-the-back poop diaper like an old pro. Then I handed him back to his parents and drove home, possibly while singing DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA because nope, never again, not happening.

3) And oh. Right. Christmas. Childhood magic and joy and wonder and beef bourguignon. And holiday headlocks in matching candy cane jammies.

Photo 2 (40)

Photo 1 (46)

Photo 3 (25)

4) My recovery from the surgery continues. 

    4a) Incisions are all scabbed over and incredibly gnarly looking, so vanity is not at a high point right now, just yet. I've been taking pictures of the entire before/after journey, but will likely refrain from posting anything until we get a little less slasher film. Because this is a classy fucking blog. 

    4b) I have good days and then days when I'm like, "fetch me a fainting couch, please, good sir, for I feel like a pile of garbage."

    4c) I am no longer taking anything stronger than the occasional Tylenol, however, but am still wearing a compression garment 24/7, which is like Prescription Spanx. Medical shapewear! What a world. 

    4d) The More You Know: After a tummy tuck, it will be at least two weeks before you're able to walk fully upright. You will spend those first two weeks slightly hunched over, muttering about how GREAT THIS ALL IS, fixing a busted-looking stomach in exchange for permanent lower-back pain. 

5) I turned 37. Meh. 

Bday selfie 2014

("Are you old now, Mom?" Noah asked me. "Is 37 when you're closer to dying than being a baby?")



Whoa. I've been reading you for over 7 years? I remember when you turned 30! Happy Birthday, a little late.


Happy belated birthday, you not old but still closer to death than babyhood, fetching fainting (hm, I'm trying to think of a good closing f word but, well, foreigner, fingerlicker, frolicker. I'm not so good with uncussy f words today. Feline? I'll stop).

My baby craving hasn't gone away. I doubt it ever will. But I'll tell you what: when they're tending to themselves, getting snacks for themselves and I am squirreled away in a corner of my bed watching mindless tv and intermittently napping? That's when I'm glad there are no more babies.


Kids. Where would our self-esteem be without them? Maybe not in the toilet.


And a very happy birthday to you!


A classy fucking blog-ha! Love it. Want before and after pics please as I just had twins and have little hope of stomach ever resembling before again wo medical intervention.


A classy fucking blog-ha! Love it. Want before and after pics please as I just had twins and have little hope of stomach ever resembling before again wo medical intervention.


I like all the pictures but particularly that last one with you, your husband, and Noah. My only questions...if you were taking a selfie...who was taking that picture?!?

Mind blown.


Please set a calendar reminder now for Noah's 37th birthday so you can repeat that line to him!

Sue W.

I have 20 years and one day on you! Glad you are feeling better and keeping up with your classy fucking blog!


Happy birthday, and can't wait for the Jason post! Seriously, I need this post to show my husband how other husbands can do this.


I feel you. I had a circumferential body lift 3.5 years ago (basically a tummy tuck on steroids) and I know your pain. It gets better, but I still don't have all the feeling back in my stomach.


Happy Belated Birthday!!!!


Happy Belated Birthday!

Also, 37? That's my age. I have no kids. Yet. I'm going through the fertility issues you had when you started this blog. I feel slow. So, no, you're not old, you're advanced! :)


@Whimsi My mom took the pic of us Selfie-ing-y. Which turned out way better than any of our actual selfies.


To answer Noah's question (because I turned 37 in Oct). YES. Or at least it feels like it (still!).


Thanks for posting!


No, Noah, no it's not. Hopefully. Now STFU (said with love!)

The comments to this entry are closed.