Oh I Don't Know Amy Just Post Some Photos or Something
How To Get Lipstick Off of a Cat

Cat Bath Fever

Ugh. What an awful week. Way to go, 2015. Way to go. I feel stupid even telling this story right now, but since I don't think there will be an Official Moment When It's Okay To Blog About The Time My Child Painted Our Cat With The Contents Of My Makeup Bag, let's just get throw this crap out there like a shiny, distracting set of jangly keys. 

So. Tuesday. It was a snow day around here, and a long-ass one at that. Jason and I were in the kitchen making dinner. We'd already blown through our Blue Apron meals for the week and had to fend for ourselves with the menu-planning, which predictably led to us choosing and committing to a delicious-looking chicken recipe while completely missing that it involved an HOUR and FORTY-FIVE MINUTES of active cooking time. 

The boys were all in the foyer, building a giant amusement park out of Duplo blocks. Because of course they were. Because the bin of Duplo blocks was only IN the foyer in the first place because I'd promised it to a friend with younger toddlers. Because my children hadn't even opened it in a good six months. They'll never miss 'em, I promise! 

(They are now the single greatest toy we own and have completely taken over the foyer and about half of the kitchen.)

Okay, so I need to clarify that "the boys were all in the foyer" is a damned dirty lie, because at some point we heard Ike calling to us from upstairs. He sounded a bit distressed.

"THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY LEG. GET IT OFF MY LEG."

Jason went to investigate. I rolled my eyes, because he'd yelled the same damn thing at me just a couple days earlier and it turned out to be indentations from the inside seam of his pants

This time, though, Jason was like, "What the...?"

And then, "Uh, Ame? Can you come up here?"

Long story short: Ike snuck upstairs to the master bathroom and proceeded to just...TODDLER DESTRUCTOR the shit out of it. All the drawers were open. He'd used a stool to access the medicine cabinet. The floor was covered in shaving cream. Lipstick doodles all over the cabinets. Mascara on the walls. The counter was cluttered with further cosmetic carnage — a now-empty bottle of spray tanner, squished lipsticks, pulverized blush, squeezed-out squeeze-tubes of God knows what, and most upsettingly...a couple loose tablets of Motrin and no sign of the rest of the bottle. 

Ike looked deeply ashamed. Ike did have a perfectly logical explanation, however.

"I WAS GIVING THE CAT A BATH."

I don't even think Jason and I registered any single known human emotion or reaction in that moment. We both became animated emoji gifs on the fritz, trying to figure out what to freak out about first, vascillating wildly between OH EM GEEEE to DOUBLE U TEE EFF to WHAT THE SHIT?

Jason focused on the missing Motrin bottle and ascertaining if Ike had eaten any, while I ran around looking for Max. Then all the dinner timers started going off in the kitchen, because GREAT. An hour and 45 minutes of effort, coming together at precisely the wrong second. 

The Motrin was eventually found (upended in a drawer, next to my mascara wand, and a goopy, cat-hair coated tube of Bacitracin), as was the childproof cap (on the floor, behind the trash can). Ike kept repeating that he hadn't eaten any of them and we could find no evidence to the contrary. 

Max was nowhere to be seen. 

I went downstairs to rage-serve dinner while Jason attempted to clean things up. 

Max casually wandered in a few minutes later. He was...sticky. 

Photo 1 (47)

It appeared that Ike first colored on him with bright red lipstick, and then tried to wash it off with mango-scented shaving cream. 

Photo 2 (41)

It also appeared that Max DGAF. He was as chill as ever. He just wanted his damn dinner.

And seriously: We heard NOTHING to suggest that anything out of the ordinary was happening — Ike is a good, trustworthy kid who sticks to his brothers' sides like glue 99% of the time, and Max (being a Siamese) is not exactly a QUIET cat. And I know we can hear him yowling in our bedroom from downstairs since he does it all the time when he's playing with his toy dog or stuck on the wrong side of a door.

Ike didn't have a scratch on him, either. Which suggests that Max at least patiently tolerated all this. Or maybe even liked it?

LOOK WE'RE MAKEOVER BUDDIES YAY!

I had to give Max a bath, though, which he also (mostly) patiently tolerated, right up until the moment I decided to take a picture, which is ALSO the moment Ike opened the bathroom door and Max leapt out of the tub and into the hallway. I tackled him in a giant soppy-cat puddle before he made it too far. But then a thoroughly-startled Ike slipped on the water and fell on his butt, crying while I slammed the bathroom door and wrestled Max back into the tub.

Bath jump

(ACTION SHOT.)

(IKE IS NOW BANNED FROM BATHROOMS. ALL OF THEM.)

I shampooed that cat three times with three different shampoos and still couldn't get all the lipstick off. I eventually gave up because look at this poor thing:

Photo 4 (14)

 

Ike went to bed early, without dessert or watching a show with his brothers. He is deeply, deeply sorry, he says, and will never do it again. (RIGHT. CUZ YOU ARE BANNED FROM BATHROOMS.) The medicine cabinet has been reorganized to improve my youngest child's chances of making it to adulthood, JESUS CHRIST, and is mostly clean other than some additional scribbles I found behind the door. I have embraced a natural, make-up free look because guuuuhhhhh.

Max — amazingly — does not flee Ike's very presence and has accepted multiple Apology Hugs. What a trooper. 

Tl;dr does anybody know how to get lipstick out of cat fur thanks.

Comments

Elizabeth_K

I asked my Jason the other day ... is it possible our third three year old is going to kill us? We're not sure ... and she just turned 3 in November ... were the first two threes this bad? I CAN'T REMEMBER!! So sorry about ... well, all of that.

Tania

Oh wow, Ike! I am noob mum with an 18 month old daughter. We have another on the way and these stories fill me with The Fear.

No ideas at all about getting lipstick out of cat fur, you may have yourself a unique problem there!

Jody

Oh my. This was the funniest damn thing I have read in a long time. I mean truly laugh out loud funny. (I'm laughing with you) Thanks so much for sharing. Cat Makeovers. I'm gonna giggle about this for awhile.

Danielle

Are you wearing a My Little Pony T-shirt in the last photo?

Leah

Ha! I'm so sorry. My youngest is 3. I have nothing to add except solidarity.

Allison

Oh, God. Mine, at three, loved to CLIMB all of the things. He especially loved to climb on our kitchen counters and hold the butcher knife (which, admittedly, is really, really pretty and shiny - also, deadly sharp).

So, I moved it. To the top of the fridge, in the very back. I'm tall, I can reach it...with a step ladder. Two MONTHS after this move, I find the three-year-old atop the fridge, just sitting there cool as a cucumber with his little legs dangling over the side, admiring the butcher knife.

Somehow, I got the child down without him impaling himself (or me) and LOCKED THE DAMN KNIFE IN A FIREARMS BOX (we don't own guns, I have no idea why we own a firearms box).

My husband asks that night, when I'm telling him the story, "Why didn't you get a picture of that?!?!" Oh, sure. I'll just let the toddler rest atop the fridge with a knife while I dash back to the other room to grab the camera. WHAT KIND OF PARENT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR???

Sydney

Omg, I literally snorted with laughter at work. My co-workers are looking at me now.

I Googled "How to get lipstick off a cat" and surprisingly that has been asked 6 separate times on Yahoo. So take comfort in the fact that you're not alone.

I prescribe some Kitty Therapy for Max, and a bottle of vodka for you and Jason. And a trip to Sephora. Now you have an excuse for all new makeup!

Myriam

I'd try blue dawn on the cat. It works on those poor birds in oil spills. Can you claim your make up? Would your insurance cover it? ;-)

Danielle

Makeup remover? It worked on my cat, I don't want to talk about, but it involved several drunk college kids not a three year old. Anyway, this story was amazing, right up there with the bird in the kitchen, you make these things sound amazingly entertaining. Me? I'd still be balled up in the corner with a king-sized bottle of wine wondering how to get my life together.

Lora

OMG...this is the funniest thing I've read in quite a while. Sorry for your pain but thanks for the laughs. (And I have a few stories as well...)

Stephanie

Don't want to freak you out or anything, but keep an eye on Max if he seems listless or his eating/litterbox style changes. Hopefully nobody got into the motrin, but ibuprofen is REALLY toxic to cats - causes kidney damage. Large vet bills and don't want to have to add this to your nightly bedtime routine: chase cat, catch cat, wrap disgruntled ball of fur into an impenetrable burrito with towel, force feed liquid medicine with syringe, cat frantically claws way out of towel, runs and hides.

Corinne

Solidarity. Is 3 almost over yet? Does 4 get better? Because I think 3 is going to kill one of us.

Samantha Earley

I've been reading since the beginning of time, but I think this is the first comment I've left. Anyway, someone already beat me to it, but once I realized the cat was ok (was hoping it wasn't a sad ending) I became focused on the MLP t-shirt. Awesome!

Sarah

On a sad week, after a thoroughly messy day, you write a story that made me laugh harder than I have in weeks. Love it!

hannah

That's not a mlp shirt. That's totally a last unicorn shirt. Amiryte?

Kimberly

I have no kids and no cats but I laughed SO DAMN HARD at this. The action shot and the picture of damp Max make this the best blog post I have read in a while!

My mom read somewhere that instead of getting mad when you find a scene like this to get your camera (before smartphones obviously) and take a picture because it gives you a second to calm down and then you have a great picture to look back on and laugh at when it is no longer 'too soon.' We have a great picture of my little brother squatting on the dining room table in his diaper with lipstick scribbles all over his belly and he has his arms wide and his belly stuck out like- LOOK AT MY ART MOM!!! I need to find that now that he's 24. His girlfriend needs to see it.

Suzy Q

OOF. I cannot even imagine a cat who tolerates a bath that easily, much less THREE shampoos. That Max is a keeper!

My sincerest condolences on the loss of your makeups. God, some of that stuff is so expensive.

Lindsay

Awwwww poor Max! Clearly, Ike thought he needed a little miracle lighten/shine/exfoliate/contour from a bottle. Or seven.

Mar

Oh my heart hurts for your poor decimated makeup stash. And Max deserves an award for most patient cat ever! Have you tried regular makeup remover? Or perhaps the makeup remover wipes, basically any of them that have the oil in them to help get the wax in the lipstick should do it, unless his hair has been dyed from the colorant in which case . . . he's gonna be colorful for awhile.

Brenda

I was eating chips and salsa while reading. Almost lost my salsa when I got to the wet cat pic. This is one of your best!

Whimsi

lololol

DeNae

Well, you can take comfort in Ike's solidarity with other three-year-olds. My goddaughter and her best friend managed to lure the poor 19-year-old on-her-last-legs cat into the bathroom because she needed a bath. Admittedly the cat was having trouble maintaining her previously very high level of grooming.

They used St. Ives Apricot Scrub.

jill

"rage-serve". Fabulous.

Anna Cooper

"I shampooed that cat three times with three different shampoos and still couldn't get all the lipstick off."

If you're ever granted the option to send a sentence back in time to Amy-from-ten-years-ago, let it please be that one.

g.schneider

Yeah my sister learned the hard way that at a certain point you CAN'T "sleep when the baby sleeps" because the baby? The baby is now a toddler and is mobile.So if she wakes up from her nap before you she can now destroy your bathroom with makeup, paint mascara all over her face and open up your refrigerator. To top it all off she carried all the condiments she could reach to the living room and dumped them on the coffee table and rug and finger painted with them.

Lori

Blue Dawn ® is the Best Cat Shampoo on Planet Earth.

Catherine

I'm crying, I'm laughing so hard.

I think you had me at "rage-serve dinner."

Cheri

Thank you so much, Amy. I needed this. Did you know that those color wonder markers that are supposed to be invisible on everything but the expensive color wonder paper will show up BLUE on your couch? Don't ask me how I know.

Amalah

HA HA, the shirt! You guys are actually both right. It's a fan-made mashup shirt of both MLP and The Last Unicorn. Because of course that's a thing that exists.

#hugedork

Ashley

My go to makeup remover is coconut oil. Non toxic and smells nice, added bonus of conditioning overwashed fur/hair. Works great on waterproof mascara and clay based lipstick.

Lynda M Otvos

Mayo will get the cat clean. Buy a quart of the cheap stuff, cuz gah knows we cannot afford the Hellman's anymore, and slather poor Kitteh up with that/ Allow it to do its magic for a few minutes and rinse off w warm water until he no longer smells like a sandwich.

Worked on my dog and no further details will be forthcoming about that incident. Suffice it to say I have been sober now for 31 years !~!

Ms. Blake

I am sorry for your loss of cosmetics and I'm very happy that Ike didn't eat any of the Motrin but this post made my day. I think I woke up our old hippy neighbors because I was laughing so loudly.

Therese

Thanks for being willing to share your pain and trauma in order to make others (well, at least me) laugh and feel better about our own "disasters." I'm glad that everyone is okay after this and hopefully Max's lipstick comes off soon.

Amanda

So what was on Ike's leg?

Average Jane

Max is one chill cat.

Robyn

Thank you for sharing this story. I have an 11 year old, a 9 year old and a two month old, all boys. I didn't realize how much I'd forgotten about babies over the past nine years, it's all very slowly coming back to me. Stories like this are ever helpful in jiggling those old memories loose! My grandmother once had to take her youngest boy to the emergency room to get his stomach pumped because he ate all the baby aspirin. On Mother's Day. The doctor lectured her something fierce, the poor thing! She had 6 kids, and it wasn't until the fifth one came along that six foot high steel cabinets were suddenly easily traversable in order to access the delicious medicines housed at the very top.

And yes, what was on Ike's leg?

Anne

I am still in the "TWO IS GOING TO KILL US" stage and we are five short months away from three. I guess we need to prepare ourselves a little bit better than we have, which basically means we just need to have ALLOFTHEWINE in the house at all times. However, based on how two is going we are already looking forward to four. And we only have one child so far.

Also this was one of the funniest stories ever. It makes me feel a lot better about the things that go on in our home. SOLIDARITY!

MB

Ugh, toddlers are the bestworst! So much enthusiasm, but soooooo much dumb all at the same time. There's a reason nature makes 'em cute. Otherwise, there's no way they'd survive these kind of incidents.

Good luck to you with Max, I'd also try regular old Dawn for him. And good luck to Ike with whatever the next awesome decision of his is!

Katie

Just FYI, if you ever do need it: the people at the poison control hotline are very nice, non-judgy, and actually reassured me when I called that I didn't need to go to the ER (for a similar counter climbing, child proof cap conquering incident) gave me signs to watch for, and then called back a few hours later to follow up.

And the baby in question doesn't turn three until this month. I am so screwed.

Granite

I don't understand why you don't want a pink cat. That's an awesome look for a cat. Rest of the story reminds me when my 6 year old son helped me out getting my 18 month old daughter ready for some outing by drawing kitty cat whiskers on his and her face with Sharpies.

Marion

Longtime French reader/lurker here,living in Paris... I kind of needed to read about cats and kids and make-up shenanigans... So thank you for that :)

JulesInNC

This is Amalah Hall of Fame Material. My initial thoughts were:
1.) A great sense of empathy for your lost products. That sounds like an expensive bathroom rampage.
2.) We had a somewhat-similar episode with my toddler at age 2 that involved the contents of her diaper. That initial moment of realization sounds very similar.
3.) I'm about to start this whole process again any day now. HALP.

LaDotyK

FTW! You Storchs are the best.

Kate F

I just took some pains to find the old and TOTALLY INSUFFICIENT photo evidence of our Paintcopolypse, accomplished when my son was about Ike's age, actually. We had friends in town with their 4.5-year-old (my son was just over 3) and they'd played like champs all day. After dinner I put the baby down, the boys asked to go play in the playroom in the basement for a bit, and the adults looked at the roaring fire and bottle of wine in the living room and said "...go for it."

In the 2 years we'd lived here my son had never investigated the built-in drawers in the playroom. I had stashed my art supplies in them when we moved in, promptly had a rough pregnancy and another baby, and never touched them. That night the boys found them and smeared every tube of acrylic paint all over everything--the two-week-old couch, the play mat, the wall-to-wall carpet under the playmat, toys, books, and of course themselves. We'd been going to check on them every 20 minutes or so, so they worked fast. My friend went down for a check, and we heard a strangled "Guys? Everyone is ok, but I need backup."

FYI, Home Depot rents carpet steamers at 9:30 p.m. (which is when we gave in after hours of scrubbing with windex), and nothing cements a friendship like a total disaster.

http://instagram.com/p/fZBngEDA9P/

(photos by the husband of the other couple; I made him take them but he was still in shock and they're pretty blurry.)

Olivia

Wow, makes the lip balm all over a closet door and on a set of blocks seem mild.

Motable

This is absolutely, without a doubt the most hilariously wonderful thing I have read* in the last month. Maybe even longer.

* It's only funny because Ike and max are fine, obvs.

kimm

Thanks! This is awesome. My little one painted my comforter and wall with Sonia Merkel lipstick,the perfect color of red, that i bought in New York long ago but save for special occasions:( also she painted herself all over. When i found her i had a heart attack almost, because it looked like blood. Horror movie scene.

Kirsten

When I was a toddler, and we were on a trip to visit my paternal grandparents, my mother made the fabulous discovery that I had painted her Mother-in-Law's toilet with her Very Fine Wine lipstick from Revlon that had been discontinued.

(The fact that I know the shade of lipstick may indicate that this is one of those stories that got told again and again and again.)

Also, that particular shade of lipstick has entered my mom's personal mythology as The Most Perfect Shade Ever that None Can Compete With that My Daughter Ruined on My MIL's Toilet, Never Forget.

Cheryl

Oh No - It's all coming back to me. I thought I had suppressed the memory forever. 3 year old daughter with hair exactly like Ike's. Full of Vaseline. Full, as in the whole Costco sized tub. Not even Dawn worked on that one. It took weeks and weeks and weeks......

Daughter is now 28.

Carrie

God help me I love that cat.

Bertine

No tips for the lipstick on the cat. But my twin daughters (same age as Ike) found my jumbo (!) tub of Teddy's Choice diaper rash cream and proceeded to anoint each other and their change table and wall at eighteen months. It took days of baths and baths and baths. I tried everything to get it out of their (thick, longish) hair: Dish soap, vinegar, baking soda, combinations. I, uh, did get a great photo of their little guilty faces covered in goop, though. It's funny now.

Bertine

No tips for the lipstick on the cat. But my twin daughters (same age as Ike) found my jumbo (!) tub of Teddy's Choice diaper rash cream and proceeded to anoint each other and their change table and wall at eighteen months. It took days of baths and baths and baths. I tried everything to get it out of their (thick, longish) hair: Dish soap, vinegar, baking soda, combinations. I, uh, did get a great photo of their little guilty faces covered in goop, though. It's funny now.

Elizabeth

My 28 year old read this story. "Mom, do you remember when Theresa and I had an applesauce party on your bed?!"

No. No I don't remember that. Fortunately.

They were eating applesauce, and suddenly realized that dumping the applesauce on the bed and dancing in it would be the *most fun ever!*

For the next 10 years, all food was required to be consumed in the kitchen.

Arnebya

My dearest (baby) Ike:

WHAT TOOK YOU SO FUCKING LONG?

wendy

My twin sister and I decorated our beds and bedroom with the contents of a bottle of (shit can't find the word) that white liquid cream that is for cleaning and has that very fine sand in it. (Sanding cream? Buffering cream?) Mom was not amused.

Amalah

Shaving cream. Ike had shaving cream all over his leg. Because he was sitting in a puddle of it, giving the cat a bath, painting the roses red, watching the world burn, etc.

Sydney

Also, Why no bathroom pictures? I want to see this awesomely destroyed bathroom!

StatMom

I know your pain. That moment where you are just frozen because... what the hell happened here? And why? That second picture of the cat is hilarious. Meme him immediately! (And yes, we need pics of the bathroom please!)

Amy

My advice is try rubbing the cat with vegetable oil. And then bathe again to get off the oil. Hair and skin will absorb the oil and help break down the lipstick. Also a helpful tip for getting sharpie off faces, paint, ink and superglue off too. Don't ask why I know.

Joanne

Count me as another person that needed this. My three month old is going thru sleep regression so he woke up every two hours all night last night and is fighting his nap like the devil and I have SAD gahhhh.

Of course now I'm having flashbacks to when his sister was three. There was the haircutting incident, the vitamins on the top shelf in the kitchen event that required a call to poison control and the multiple permanent marker incidents. . .

Suddenly sleep issues don't seem so bad. I think I'll go cuddle him and tell him no growing up.

Jenn

I have used Dawn dish soap to get waterproof mascara off of a dog, so it's worth a try to get lipstick off of a cat. (I don't even have kids to blame the mascara thing on, the dog found an almost empty tube in the garbage and managed to crack it open.)

Elaine

I feel your pain. My three and two year old little boys opened a five gallon bucket of white latex paint and painted themselves, the tile, the carpet, and the furniture in the office my husband was remodeling. They wore trash bags home. . . and their clothes and shoes were a total loss.

Kerri

THIS IS TOO MUCH! I don't know how you keep up! At Cinch we help moms like you save money on your big bills quickly and easily -- so you have more time to deal with household antics like cat baths! :)

Kerri
Cinch Financial

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