Killingme, VT
Bathroom of the Flies

Boss Cat

Some work-from-home days are more amusing than others. 

My home office is a goddamned disgrace right now, completely cluttered and messy and disorganized, and naturally my solution is to simply ignore the problem and work somewhere else, like at the kitchen counter. I'm sharing my workspace with a few stray Bioncles and breakfast crumbs, but overall it's a much more soothing environment. 

Of course, working in the kitchen means my brain is only a few feet from the refrigerator and it KNOWS it, so I didn't make it very long before the snack cravings took over. I decided to have a slice of BBQ chicken lunch meat, because lean protein and portion control and the five pounds my ass managed to gain in Vermont. 

Then I went to the bathroom. (Okay wow sorry I thought this story would be funny but my god it's taking forever and is full of boring build-up details like and then I went to the bathroom.)

When I came back, Max was on the kitchen counter, chowing down on the lunch meat. 

He looked at me and went calmly back to eating. About a minute later he batted the empty bag onto the floor. And then he continued to just sit there on the counter, giving zero fucks. 

People, this cat is almost 17 years old. He has 1) never eaten people food, 2) never even expressed an interest in people food, and 3) always known perfectly well he's not allowed on the damn kitchen counter.

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We stared at each other for a little while, because honestly I was mostly just super impressed with his sudden chutzpah, and the fact that after all these years he was still managing to surprise me. Counter-height jumping! Thievery! Trespassing! Lunch meat!

He's like the senior citizen I hope to someday be: Careening around the Whole Foods on a scooter, big ol' box of wine in the front basket, casually stealing food from the buffet with a ladle I brought from home. Come at me, bros, I'm old. 

Finally Max jumped down, and spent the next 15 minutes pushing the lunch meat bag around the floor, trying to lick the scraps from the inside. 

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And then Ceiba walked in and proceeded to chase Max around while attempting to lick the lunch meat smell off his face, which cracked me up too hard to hold my phone steady for a picture.

I wonder if this is the sort of thing I miss on a regular basis when I work in my actual office, and I also wonder if maaaaayyyyyybe it's time to leave the house and get a real, regular office job. Although I bet human coworkers would also steal my lunch meat, and it wouldn't be nearly as funny.

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(Just chilling on my lap right now, and not even a little bit sorry.)

Comments

SarahB

Well played, cat, well played.

My cats are getting older, and showing the occasional sign of age, so this tale heartens me greatly. Go, Max! Giving zero fucks, indeed.

Nicole P.

Are we taking bets on when Zero Fucks Giving Max will release the turbo-hork kraken?

Jennie

Our dog, who's nearly 12, has gotten like this. When she used to steal food, she'd (no lie) hide the wrappers and evidence under her bed. Recently, Mike came home and she was eating stolen Oreos in the middle of our bed, didn't even pause when he walked in. Aging pets = embracing Yolo.

Caitlin

This cracks my shit up! I'm always a sucker for a funny cat story.

We have two cats, one 9 and one 2, and they just recently started jumping on the kitchen counters...not sure why, but they must be in cahoots on this Zero Fucks plan with Max.

Bee

Max has never stolen people food before because you have never had the BBQ chicken lunch meat on the counter unattended before. Is best kitteh fud.

Callie

This right here: He's like the senior citizen I hope to someday be: Careening around the Whole Foods on a scooter, big ol' box of wine in the front basket, casually stealing food from the buffet with a ladle I brought from home. Come at me, bros, I'm old.

That is the funniest fucking thing I have read in a LONG time. I am sitting in a cube laughing my ass off like an idiot and, like Max, I give zero fucks. Come at me, bros.

Kristabella

My cat is 15 years old and just started doing this. First was a piece of RAW bacon he leaped up to grab off the counter to eat. The next day, I had my plate of eggs I was planning to eat for breakfast on the counter and he jumped up, grabbed a chunk, knocked it to the ground and then proceeded to chow down on scrambled eggs with spinach. I figure he's just pissed at having to eat cat food for 15 years and is FED UP!

Maggie

on the plus side, it appears all the lipstick really is gone from his fur.

Carol

My cat, while not old, is ballsy. She was eating mashed potatoes off my plate WHILE I WAS STILL EATING THEM! And gave me the side-eye the whole time...

A

Cute story... just a short aside as a head's up. My cat who was never on the counters, never had people suddenly became voracious and acting all out of character. Like jumping onto the table while we were eating dinner and eating off our plates. It turns out that can be a symptom of kidney failure or some cat problem or whatever. Not saying this is what is happening to Max, but if I had known sooner we might have been able to treat the problem... Sorry to be a downer, just wanted to make you aware in case you weren't. :)

Kirsty

Max "has never even expressed an interest in people food"?! How the hell did you manage that? My dearly beloved Tom (who died a year ago at the age of 16) was very curious about people food, and surprisingly fond of odd things like pumpkin soup and gingerbread. My new cat Smoky (nearly 1 year old) will eat just about ANYTHING - pizza, cake, avocado, corn, chocolate. We have to lock him in the bedroom when we eat because otherwise he absolutely will NOT leave us alone...!

Amy

Sounds like your cat is living the thug life

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoUEQYjYgf4

Lauren Parker- Gill

I like the first picture, where he is sitting on the counter as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

Leigh Ann

I was also joined by my 15 year old cat while I worked from home today. At the art-supply-covered dining room table, because my office (er, bedroom) is too dark and dreary and messy. He batted around a thing of scotch tape and stared at me until I fed him.

skroll63

that did end up being funny! #sorrynotsorry! LOL

amy

I have an old (-ish, he's only 11) cat who still currently adheres to points 1–3, an extreme appreciation of feline chutzpah, and several cat-lap-laptop selfies just like that one.

Are you telling me that I have to start stocking bbq chicken lunchmeat? Also, can I borrow Ceiba? I don't have a dog. Although now that I think about it my son's cat might be willing to fill in. I'll have to get back to you on that.

Cheryl S.

My cat Simon is 15 and is also a member of the Zero Fucks club. He sleeps on our dining room table. Where he's not allowed to be. You tell him to get off and he just stares at you like "I'm old as methuselah, I dare you to make me get down" And, he wins. We eat on tray tables while Simon sleeps on the dining room table. Even our 90 pound german shepherd doesn't mess with him.

Robbin

FUNNY! Trust me human co-workers are way less entertaining than cat/dog co-workers.

Christine

When I was out on maternity leave last year I discovered my 13 year old cat regularly went for a 1:00 p.m. stroll on the counter tops on the weekdays. The first time, he just kind of stared at me all, "fuck you. you brought this on yourself for bringing the tiny person home." I didn't even yell at him.

Stephanie

My cat woke us up at 4:30 this morning hacking up a hair ball.

We once cooked a Christmas goose for a dinner party (meh, duck is much better), and our friend went into our kitchen and shouted: "Hey your cat is balls deep in that goose." Still our favorite saying, ever.

Katie H.

That's hilarious! I have 16 and 17 year old cats who have totally become the old person I want to be. Zero fucks given about everything and "BRING ME WHAT I WANT MEOW!!!" Plus the inability to get the hell out of the way or out from under my feet. "Fuck you - I'm old. YOU MOVE." Lastly, the visual of you in the Whole Foods made my day. Mwah!

Shannon

"Giving zero fucks" is my new favorite expression.

And now that my kiddos are getting older, the crazy animal antics are much more entertaining than the eye-rolls and whining that my kids do on a daily basis.

MariaV

I missed Max and Ceiba.

Gail

I love Boss Cat.

Natalie

This made me laugh so freaking hard.

KImtoo

My childhood dog was absolutely not allowed on the furniture. Over the course of her 18 years, she went from only getting up on the rare occasions she was invited to, to lying innocently on the floor when we came home (with a suspiciously warm spot on the couch,) to us catching a glimpse of her tail as she jumped down, to looking at us and grumbling as she got down, and finally to lifting her head, thumping her tail, and going back to sleep. She lived to be 18. Damn, I need me a dog.

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