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March 2015
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May 2015

The Bear Is a Lie

Oh my God. You guys. You guys. I was looking through Ezra's monthly writing journal and just found this: ... ... Bluen. Not Bloon. Bluen. Blue with an N. Because. Because she's..wearing blue. MY MIND IS BLOWN. OR MAYBE IT'S BLOONED. SORRY TO YELL BUT I'M JUST HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THIS. EVERYTHING I KNOW IS WRONG. I NEED TO LIE DOWN. Read more →

Not A Baby Ike's Big Weekend

Ike had an exciting weekend, chock full of destruction and injury. On Saturday, we went to a birthday party at a friend's house. Ike emerged from their basement playroom covered in bits of styrofoam. First response was: CHEESE? Second response was: OH RIGHT THAT. Third and final response was: LADY I'VE SEEN SOME THINGS. Turns out it was the filling from a giant stuffed dog. The dog was being used for "fighting. Fighting all the kids." Then the birthday boy received a giant foam sword and ta-da! The party officially had a THEME! Fabulous. On Sunday, the boys successfully lobbied for a trip to the LEGO Store with their grandparents, on the grounds that it's a fun store for people of all ages, including grandparents and also the money of grandparents. I suggested Ike get a small Duplo set. He was like, shut up and buy me a Bionicle. Weapons or GTFO. The Bionicle he chose is for 8 years old and above. We don't typically follow the age recommendations that closely but in this case, we probably should have. Ike got so preoccupied trying to piece this set together that he slipped and fell off his chair and smashed... Read more →

How to Measure a(n Almost) Year

It was about 11 months ago when Jason first picked up a piece of chalk and drew up a grown-up behavior chart in our kitchen. The Get Off Your Ass chart, designed to keep us both accountable on our diet and exercise plans. 11 months later, as previously reported, I'm down 25 pounds, Jason's lost 35, and both us are much fitter and healthier and doing pretty darn well at maintaining our good habits, and balancing out the occasional fun splurge so it doesn't undo all of the hard work. (I ate french fries like three times last week and I do not carrrrrre.) And it WAS hard work, I've told you that already. And it felt (at the time) like it was taking forever. Lots of plateaus and definitely a few backslides. I'm so grateful for Jason, because without him working hard right with me I'm sure I would have given up. (Although now he lifts weights every day and can consume a million more calories than I can, which does sometimes test the limits of my portion control self-discipline.) I didn't take "before" weight loss photos. Partly because I'd spent at least two years ducking out of frame... Read more →

41 Days 'Til 4 Years Old

Why I have to get out of bed? Because it's time to get dressed. Why you tell me to get dressed? Because it's time for school. Why it time for school? Get dressed, Ike. Why you tell me to get dressed? Because it's time. For. School. Why it time for school? *** Why you not give me a waffle? I am. It's in the toaster. Why it in the toaster? Because it's frozen. Why it frozen? Because it was in the freezer. Why it in the freezer? Because it's a frozen waffle. From a box. Why it from a box? Because I'm lazy. Why you lazy? Because you're literally sucking away my life force on a daily basis, Ike. Why I doing that? I DON'T KNOW OMG. *** Why your hair is wet? Because I took a shower. Why you take a shower? Because I was dirty. Why you dirty? Because I don't wake up looking as naturally adorable as you. Why you don't wake up like that? Because I am not Beyoncé Why you not Beyoncé? Good question. *** Why you not letting me eat my breakfast? Because you had an hour to eat your breakfast, and now it's... Read more →

Underemployed and LOVING IT

So I quit my job. I mean, I quit A job. I always have more than just one, technically. But it was the Big Job, the Main Job, the one I was traveling all the time for and spending most of my waking hours on and most of my sleeping hours quietly having panic attacks over. At some point it dawned on me: The worst thing in the world would not be losing this job. The worst thing in the world would be continuing to do this job. And it wasn't really the job's fault. I was not cut out for it, for what it ended up being (which to be fair, was different than what I thought it would be when I accepted it), for the demands of a small start-up that did not operate on a 9-5, Monday through Friday schedule and needed me online and working nights and weekends and lots (and LOTS) of travel. And other issues were entirely of my own making: I never said no, I would never admit I was in over my head, and I destroyed my own carefully cultivated work-from-home-and-life balance my own damn self. I felt guilty about leaving meetings... Read more →

Only Know You Love Her When You Let Her Go

It happened! It really happened! You can now own an important piece of history: The tire is for sale on Craigslist. Does anyone need a tire? This particular kind of tire? Is that a good price for a tire? Who knows! Who cares. Someone please come buy this stupid tire so I can finally stop doing stupid shit like this: This has been TIREWATCH 2015: THE TIREWATCHENING, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood assholes who literally filmed like seven different versions of this video with different sad songs playing in the background, ultimately proving once and for all that the tire is not even close to my biggest problem right now. IMPORTANT UPDATE, 1:49 p.m. In response to this post, Jason just sent me the following video: Funny. Very funny. You realize the entire neighborhood knows we're batshit crazy now, right? Read more →

The Spring Break That Never Ends

Rainy drab days around here. Starting to feel a little sorry for the tire. He seems lonely. Or perhaps I am simply jealous that the tire is at least getting some peace and quiet and isn't trying to work while this is happening six inches from its laptop and also not pictured is all the SCREEEEEEAAAAAMMMMMINGGGGG: At least they're (mostly) wearing helmets? This has been TIREWATCH: THE TIREWATCHENING, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood assholes who are starting to project their encroaching sense of ennui on the tire, while also referring to the tire as a "he," and oh my God, school needs to start up again before I have a complete break from reality and move the tire into my foyer and like, put a decorative candle and a tray for my keys on top of it him. Read more →

World War Lego

The first great crisis of Spring Break 2015 is here and happening, and has the ranks thoroughly divided. A single Lego minifigure is missing. It is apparently a VERY IMPORTANT minifigure, because its status as lost has rendered Noah's entire Hero Factory collection useless, because he cannot play Hero Factory without this minifigure. They have told me this minifigure's name 14 billion times, but I still have no idea who or what they are talking about. I think it's red? According to Noah, the minifigure was last seen in Ike's possession. Ike maintains that he put it back in Noah's room where it belongs. Again, according to Noah, this is a damned dirty lie because he's looked "everywhere" in his room and it's not there. I remain neutral, because I'm pretty sure looking "everywhere" involved little more than standing in the center of the room and sort of idly glancing around, the way he also looks "everywhere" for his shoes, which are typically three feet away and in his direct line of sight. And yet also nowhere to be found! Strange, that. After more fruitless searching (at one point they attempted to use Ike like a search dog, making him... Read more →

Super Exciting Fun-Time Obligatory Easter Photo Round-Up

I was out with Noah on Saturday morning when someone asked him if he was excited for Easter. Oh. Right! That. Uhh. (Geez, Easter Bunny. Get your shit together.) A quick trip to Target for some books and candy later, we were officially ready to half-ass this holiday. I don't think anybody minded. (And yes, I'm aware they all need haircuts. That was the original Saturday afternoon plan that got bumped for Easter shopping. Because I can only accomplish one thing a day because I AM NOT A TIME MANAGEMENT WIZARD.) (Nice bedroom slippers, Amy. Thanks for dressing up for the occasion.) ALSO, IMPORTANT TRUTHER MOMENT. If you follow my husband on Facebook/Instagram, you may notice that, despite regularly posting photos of/from our back deck, SOMETHING IS CONSISTENTLY MISSING: Yes. Good work on the container garden, husband! Looks really nice and organized. Shame I have access to your camera roll online though. NICE TRY WITH UR LIES. Starting to wonder, though: Are we really watching the tire, or is the tire watching us? This has been TIREWATCH 2015: THE TIREWATCHENING, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood assholes who didn't even bother dyeing real Easter eggs this year and who... Read more →

There Is a Tire at the End of This Post

So a small handful of people expressed concerns (or rather hopes, dreams) that this blog was the source of the Stress That Is Eating Amy's Skin Alive, and that I was perhaps vagueblogging about its imminent demise/shutdown. To which I say: Sorry, Internet. You're still not getting rid of this ol' dinosaur just yet. I mean, honestly, you guys are pretty great. You are funny and kind and also I SUPER APPRECIATE how understanding and engaged you've been with the recent uptick in sponsored posts. (Which wasn't exactly planned for, and I doubt will continue much longer; it's more a result of typical feast/famine on that sort of thing.) I will continue to post here as much as a can and to also do my best to make the sponsored stuff as amusing as possible, or at least seem like something I would write about regardless. (Speaking of: Attention winemakers of the world. I have upcoming sponsored posting spots available on my editorial calendar. Please to send me some alcohol.) (Ha ha ha "editorial calendar." Like this shitshow is that organized.) If anything, I still want to follow-through on that whole "posting/writing more" thing, even without the ads/sponsorships/whatever. Those sure... Read more →