ALL THE WIRE HANGERS!
House For Sale, Stray Legos Not Included

The Storm Before the Even Bigger Storm

The house is getting photographed for our listing this afternoon. It's happening! It's all finally happening!

As of yesterday, however, this was all still happening:

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WELCOME TO OUR HOME! HAVE A BIKE OR SEVEN!

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I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE TO PUT THIS CRAP! ALL CRAP-STORING OPTIONS ARE CURRENTLY FILLED WITH OTHER CRAP!

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WHAT, YOU EXPECT THEM TO EAT BREAKFAST WITHOUT BRINGING ALONG A ZOO?

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*EYELID TWITCH*

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*WEIRD FOREHEAD VEIN THING*

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GO HOME, APPLIANCES. YOU'RE DRUNK. AND DON'T FIT ANYWHERE UNTIL I THROW OUT A WAFFLE IRON.

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AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH I JUST CLEANED THIS UP

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GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH THIS TOO

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WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING, STOOL?

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THIS VACUUM BROKE FIVE YEARS AGO PEOPLE. WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH US?

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STOP.

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PLZ STOP.

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STAHHHHHHHHHHP.

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BLURRY HUMMINGBIRD HANDS IN FULL EFFECT, Y'ALL!

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...

...

You have got to be literally kidding me. 

OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO.

I CAST THEE OUT STOMACH DEMON I REBUKE THEE I CAPS LOCK YOU FROM ORBIT.

(He's fine. Totally fine. A little indigestion from too many snacks at the neighbor's house mixed with some good old-fashioned dramatics. And my brain is slowing resolidifying itself from a melted liquid form! Hooray! EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY!!!!!!!!)

Comments

Margaret

Oh heavens Ezra!!! Thanks for the head's up! I usually just kneel on the floor and hug the porcelain buddy. Moving the stool into the bathroom,

Lynn

Throw out the toaster. It's huge, and the oven works better anyway. (Takes 5 minutes on 400 to toast something.)

Good luck with the move! Virginia or Maryland? Or DC?

DesiLouBleu

Best piece of advice my realtor ever gave me: clean out your car trunk. When the house starts showing and you get a call to be out in 10 minutes, you can put all the crap you have laying around in the car and drive it away for the showing. Just don't forget to haul it back in after the showing.

CC

Shove everything in your cars. No joke. Right before we would have a house showing, we would put anything and everything out of place (laundry baskets full of clothes, floor steamer that didn't fit anywhere,bathroom trash can, you name it) and shove it in my car. THEN, we would go park my car elsewhere, so that potential home buyers wouldn't see are super sneaky our-house-is-totally-clean-and-has-plenty-of-storage trickery.

It worked. We only had two showings and both gave us full price offers. The car is the answer.

Kari Weber

We are in the midst of this. If ANYTHING can jumpstart OCD tendencies in someone, it is trying to keep a house "show worthy" with children. We are in week 6. Please sell soon!

CC

Oh god. *our not are. Ugh.

Sue C

Send the kids to grandma's for a week. That always helps!

Dena

At least you found a use for the stool?

Sassy Apple

You know, it's not all bad. This is marvelously entertaining for your readers! Bwahaha!

Sue W.

I cannot even imagine. I think I will just die here and they can cart me to the dump along with all of the accumulated generations of valuable family heirlooms we have. And junk. Mostly junk. Feel better, Mighty Zah!

Suzy Q

I know this is driving you nuts but I am in a mediation today, and Inappreciate the entertainment!

laura

Any minute the therapists union will sue you for gazillions for reducing female guilt over home reality for millions. Normalizing reality!!! You get a huge prize and thank you.

LD's Mom

Glad the indigestion was minor, considering you totally karma-ed yourself into that one: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING, STOOL?
You can do it!!!

flybigd

Can you send the kids to stay with your mom? or just random strangers? desperate times call for desperate measures.

AJ

OMG I recently went through this, but with a 15yo and dog. I cannot imagine it with three young boys. I have heard of the car trick but didn't use it. Just get rid of stuff, I'd say. It's just stuff. Fingers crossed for a quick sale. Moving sucks.

Joy

I have that Ikea greenhouse! Why!? Not nearly as cute at home as it was in the store, but it was cheap!

Susan

We had two giant cats when we were trying to sell our condo (7 years ago in a totally craptastic market) so every time we had a showing or an open house (for 16 MONTHS) our realtor wanted us to load them and their litter box up and go... where, exactly? It's not like there are cat parks (though we did go to the park and looked like total crazies walking our cats on leashes).

I also wanted to say Ike's puzzlemania inspired me to pick up a few of those big piece puzzles at the thrift store and my kids lost their minds. They were totally engrossed in ALL THINGS PUZZLE for at least 20 minutes, which is a win in my book - so thanks!

Carrie

I second throwing everything in your car. I did it when we last moved. All that extra stuff that just keeps accumulating right before a showing - all goes in the car, car goes with you, problem solved.

Good luck!

Amy A

Oh damn!! Pulling for you. This too shall pass, but I do thank you for providing such entertaining posts! Hang in there :)

Lesli

I've been putting the whole get-house-ready-to-sell off because GAAAHHH. But thank you for showing the reality - celebrities! they're just like us! - and making it so funny!

Amy

I recommend getting a storage unit for all of your stuff. We did that when we sold our last house. We filled the whole freaking thing with furniture, decorations, clothes to make the closet look bigger, and other stuff. Of course, we had to bring it all back for the movers, but it was worth it. We also put our house on the market for a week and basically ate out, even if it was chipotle on the patio. I didn't want to keep making the kitchen pristine. Also, movers! We're military, so we don't have to pay for it, but even if we were to move across town I'd pay someone to do it.

Christine

What's the coffee thing? I've been doing cold brew but that looks different.

The showings are the worst part, hands down.

Eva

Me three on the empty Ikea greenhouse just sitting around taking up space.

Melissa C

The car tip is great. I also hired a cleaning service to come weekly while our house was being shown. Expensive, but a total life saver!

Arnebya

I'm concerned about the stool. What was the stool doing? Do we know whether it was accomplished?

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