Just a Little Playground Banter
The Gang's All Here (& They All Want Presents)

Flesh Wound to the Face

On Monday night I hit my head on a wall, split my forehead open, bled profusely all over myself, and got a concussion. 

REALLY GOOD WEEK OVER HERE.

We were hanging out at our friends' awesome new house, a house I've been to before but have yet to fully grasp the twisty, multi-level floorplan -- I keep mistaking closets and the laundry room for the bathroom, and don't even get me started on the light switch situation, there are so many switches what do they all doooo. Half the time I just give up and pee in the dark. 

Which is probably what I should have done on Monday, because our friends are ASSHOLES.

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This is Suzy. They like to hide her around the house for maximum jump scare/creep out effect, and they get me EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

BAM, turn a corner and she's there, lurking in the shadows.  You sit down to pee and BAM. Creeping on ya in the shower. 

Once again, she was hiding out in the bathroom, and once again, I was so preoccupied with finding the proper light switch that I didn't realize she was literally six inches away from my face and suddenly HERRRRREEEE'S SUZY!

I freaked out and spun around really quickly and THWACK. Right into a wall corner. Or maybe it was the door? I don't actually remember the collision itself, although it was loud enough for everyone on the floor below me to hear. Even the pain was a delayed reaction, as I put my hand on my forehead and immediately started babbling that "I'm fine! I'm fine! It's okay, I'm fine!"

Then I looked in the mirror and saw blood gushing down my face. I was not fine.

"Suzy did it," I told everybody when they asked what the hell happened. 

I decided I did not need stitches (in retrospect, I probably should've gotten some stitches to minimize the scar), but instead  just came home and fell asleep with an ice pack on my forehead. I woke up using the melted ice pack as a pillow, having continued to bleed all over my actual pillow overnight. Then I threw up and counted 20 separate fingers on my hands. I let the dog outside and then panicked because I couldn't find him in the house. Around 10 a.m. I went to talk to Jason about...something. What was the...something? 

"I think I might have a concussion," I said, wobbling back and forth like a tipsy Captain Obvious. 

"I think you are correct," he replied, after pulling up a symptom checklist to see if he needed to take me to the hospital. (No. Just go rest your brain, sweetheart.)

I took some Tylenol, collected all the pets and went back to bed. Cool story.

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I am feeling much better today, although my left eyebrow area is still pretty swollen and the half-inch gash right above it is super attractive. But what's REALLY important right now are my simmering plans for revenge against our friends and that bitch Suzy. Suggestions welcome!

 

Comments

Karen

Every time I hear about someone's minor(-ish) head wound leading to a concussion, I'm amazed that I didn't get a concussion* from being dropped on my drunken head on someone's driveway at 2am in my college days. (You'll never hear the sound of a dropped melon the same after that.)

*At least, no concussion that I know of.

Christy

I was totally going to suggest your revenge include clowns, even before I clicked on the link. Hope you feel better...

ccr in MA

Maybe I am just in a bad mood today, but if they don't quit with the Suzy "joke" now that they have GIVEN SOMEONE A CONCUSSION, I would no longer be friends with them. At least not going-to-their-house friends. I hope they were contrite!

Julie

Time to find some new friends? Because, goddamn, who does that kind of shit?

jeanine

I have a life size skeleton "Fred" that I move around the house this time of the year. I'm the one that moves him and then I'm the one that screams and jumps two feet in the air when I come down the hall in the early mornings and thinks that someone is in the house.

Pictou

Revenge: Get a musical greeting card with the cheesiest music ever. My favorite was "Love me Tender" but since they're not so popular anymore you might have to take what you can get. I imagine the Barney theme song would be effective also.

Next visit, find an out of the way place and hide the little music mechanism. A drop ceiling is perfect but hard to find in a home. Taping it behind a desk or hiding it behind books is good also. It takes a while for them to find it, all the while listening to the annoying music. And you pretend you don't hear anything.

Jason

I don't know...I think this is much scarier...
http://amzn.to/2dLyrYK

Terry

Revenge? Why?
Let the outcome of 'getting you' be your lifetime trauma. The story and the scar to prove it.
The fun is sitting back till you can get that bitch, Suzy.
The mom in me is to say, "Get back in bed. It would have killed Jason if you died. These boys need their mother."
That would not be funny. So glad you are alright.
Unless I missed your needing blood. Prepping with turnips would have you ready for Suze.

liz

Yeah, I'm with the commenter that said Suzie's got to go. There comes a time when a joke is no longer a joke, and a concussion and flesh wound is that time.

Amalah

Awwww, it's okay guys! I've always laughed after my initial jump-scare reactions, especially now that I should 100% be ready and expecting it. (We're super into scary/ghost movies and AHS and stuff like that, so I totally get the humor of Suzy. Have pulled similar pranks on people with cardboard stand-ups and shit as well.) This was just an accident. I'm a well-documented spazz/klutz. They're awesome friends who took very good care of me afterwards and we're all already laughing about it. Dammit, Suzy!

(But yes revenge will be MINE.)

Nikki

Concussion? You need to be laying off the screens girl! Rest your brain! Don't mess around with that shit. Take the time to heal. -
Advice from experienced caretaker of concussions

CarolN

I did the same thing last Thursday, but I didn't actually cut my forehead or even bleed. I had my arms full of groceries and I was trying to get in the door. My dog was intent on jumping up into my face to give me welcome-home licks. I turned around to go back into the garage for more bags and thwak on my right. Right into the door jamb. Knocked me silly. Used ice and as each day goes by I am impressed by the new color scheme on my head.

As for Suzy, she looks to me like she could use a haircut.

Lee

Uh sweetie, part of healing from a concussion is avoiding ALL screens. STAHHHP.
Go rest. Oh and if you can get your hands on arnica pellets. Take some!

junkie

SO glad you're going to be ok!!! having said that...i can't stop laughing (so sorry!) about their suzy stunts. i feel like we'd get along! :) also? if those beautiful dogs are theirs? they've got to be awesome! :)

again...really just glad you're ok! :)

Christina

Ugh. Yeah, this is the first time I've totally missed any "humor" in one of your stories. And I started reading when you were pregnant with Noah and featured in the Washingtonian. I'm just not liking your friends or anything about this. Take care of yourself.

Kim

Mederma for the scarring. You look marvelous.

Sarah Lynn

You know, there's urgent care for concussions, and I think there's one in Columbia as well as one in Olney. You really don't want to end up with months of headaches because you didn't rest correctly, so maybe you should stop in to get some advice. Head First is the name of these centers, and the Olney one was very helpful when my granddaughter had a concussion in a soccer game. Good luck!

Rosie

Suzy must be destroyed. Now that she has caused and tasted (don't even doubt it) blood, she'll never stop.

Sally

I highly recommend planting the Annoy-atron at their house! My favorite is the simple random beep which can take some time for people to detect but when they do it is enough to drive them crazy...what's that beep? Where is it coming from???? How do I make it stop???!!!!! It's more of a slow drawn-out torture. http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/ihvg/

Julia

it's so important to get a concussion checked out! Actress Natalie Richardson hit her head on the ski hill and went to lie down and died. No matter how small the injury, it is always worth getting checked. I'm with Christina's comment above. I love your humor, but this is not funny and I don't like your friends for doing it.

Liza

This scary witch can take out Suzy. Or at the very least discredit her. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01FWTNVYA/ref=pd_aw_fbt_201_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=PETNBQSCY1YDSE6JPSSY

Katie H.

Well now I don't feel so bad about falling down our stairs Monday night. No reason, my left foot just decided to be an asshole and step on the edge instead of the middle. Nice ripe gigantic bruise on my back left thigh, butt, back and arm and the old rib cage is one giant achey mess, but no concussion... I mean, I hit my head but... wait... I don't remember going to bed afterwards... ah hell, blame it on the vodka! Hope you feel better soon. (And I agree with the others, take it easy!)

April

Must be the week for bleedy head wounds. My kid and the neighbors kid had a collision in the street. My kid had a bike helmet their kid...flip flops and shorts. Needless to say their kid ended up going to the hospital and getting 8 stitches. My kid cried thinking he would be blamed.

Also Suzy has to be maimed...perhaps an arm removal..or a blow up date...one that pops out of the closet ala inflatable boat when you pull the rip cord....he he he....

Myriam

I like booby traps ideas... hide stuff everywhere where they will find them forever... take care of yourself!

Mo

Oh my god woman, you throw up from a head wound and have those kind of symptoms you go to the damn hospital. You don't F*ck with head injuries.

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