Kung Fu Ezra
Wednesdays are the New Mondays

Better Now

I've been procrastinating on a Brain Update (among many, many other things, thanks for that lovely bit of self-sabotage, anxiety, you bitch), but hey, here goes nothing. 

The medication is definitely helping, although it also makes me:

1) Throw up


3) Ask you to repeat everything you say, a bit louder this time, so I can hear you better over the goddamn ringing in my goddamn ears

Antidepressants are weird. 

I don't particularly enjoy the side effects, obviously, but when I think back a few months, to the unmedicated alternative...well. I'll just buy some bigger pants and drink some ginger tea. Hey, it's like being pregnant! Only without the baby part, or the urge to clean things. Ugh, this house. 

Since I wasn't exactly live-blogging the worst of it, I'll just say, in the understatement of the decade, that things were not very good. Things were very, very bad. Everything else I've tried to type here instead sounds super dark and would probably scare my mother too much, so I'll just leave it at that. 

Please don't let things get that bad, dear people. It's hard to see that they are, when you're in it, but now that I'm climbing out...well. Again. The view looking backwards and down, so very much down, is pretty terrifying. Let's all not go there again, shall we?

But! I am feeling much better! And would probably feel even more better (HI I WRITE GOOD) if Spring would freaking spring or sprung or just stop with all the snow and ice and the grey bleary blahs already. 

(Also if children and other innocent unarmed humans would stop getting shot at so much. That would GREAT.)

But! Enough of all that. Let's get make to happy smile-making things, and I think we can all agree that Ezra + Food = Pure Goddamn Delight. Here he is, back at it again with the Chef Zah Thang, learning to make chapatis with his dad:


We didn't even plan to involve him in this particular meal (which came from this cookbook, which I highly recommend for any fellow Instant Pot Heads) (I see what I did there), but I swear the kid has a sixth sense for when there's something new or interesting happening in the kitchen.



As soon as he rolled out one piece, he immediately declared full ownership of all chapati-making going forward, and changed into the appropriate outfit.




As did Ike, who has a sixth sense of his own for when anyone is getting more attention than him.


Luckily Ezra is a really good teacher, and an even better Middle Kid. 

After reading Monday's post Jason called dibs on Ezra's next cooking class. They're going to make pasta together. Something tells me it's going to go pretty well. 




I’m glad you’re feeling better, brains can be real a-holes.


So sorry that things got so dark for you and happy to have you back in the light and writing. Gawd Ezra is a cutie. Can't wait to see where the future takes him.


I’m really happy you’re feeling better. Depression and anxiety are a real bitch whore c*nt.


Surely someone is getting sunshine. Like George said, it feels like years since it's been here.

Mary Casey

I am super familiar with the dark places your brain can take a person. I am so glad you are coming out the other side.

Unrelated, I want to thank you for sharing your essential tremor story. I finally approached my doctor about being medicated for mine last week, and reading about your experience with ET definitely helped me take that step.


I understand so, so much. I've also been in the hole only to come out and realize "Holy mother of god, that was some dark shit and let's avoid ever doing THAT again if possible." Lots of hugs. With any luck, some of those side effects will fade as your body adjusts to the meds.


Instant Pot Head...heh
I have yet to make anything that wasn't fan-freakin-tastic from that cookbook. I'm glad you're feeling better. I too am feeling better and briefly thought maybe I should try and wean off my antidepressant but then I thought better of it. Why mess with a good thing.

Sue W.

I am really glad you are in a better place. Hope things continue to improve and the womiting and weight gain just quits itself already.
If you ever need a stand-in parent for Mighty Zah and cooking classes, I volunteer my services. You'll have to give me some lead time though, because, Florida!

Amy in StL

Ugh, the dark. It's amazing how your brain is all things are fine, this is totally normal and just how things are... and then you look back and it's like Good Lord, that was a bad place! How did I get that low again? Like, how did I not see it happening again and get way down in the deep terrible mental hole... geez. I'm glad you're climbing out - I am too and it's nice to not be down there.


It’s going to get close to 70 tomorrow. I’m glad you’re feeling better. I just had one of those dna tests done that help figure out what meds may not work for me. Turns out all SSRI’s are off the table. Good to know instead of trailing them all one after the other without benefit.


That is so cool that you have two helpers! I had one go to cooking school for a few years, and he had a goal of eating every edible creature from the sea. I thank Young Chef's Academy for him eating non-fish 'weird stuff', though.

Glad the medication is working. To be honest, I thought you were talking about meds for the essential tremor, which I kind of want to know about. Because reasons. Yeah, the side effects of anti-anxiety or antidepressants are unpleasant, but the alternative is worse. (sort of related, I am practicing enough self-care right now that my therapist isn't prescribing either of those, but ET medications may be in my future, after I find out exactly what caused the #$%@#$% cerebellar stroke. Yeah, ET is very similar to the after effects of that.)


Thought I would comment here instead of fb for a change. I just want you to know that reading your post about realizing you needed to do something about brain stuff was what got me thinking to do so myself. I really had been so rage-y, especially at home, especially with the kids. I just had not a whit of patience left. I knew I had been sliding downhill for a while, but I also knew Things could get worse, so I kept putting it off til, idk, til I hit rock bottom? But that post got me thinking it’s ok to not wait and just go ahead and ask. I brought it up at my March 1 doc appt and started an antidepressant on March 6th, and spoke with a therapist on March 9th. And in about 3 days I could feel a difference. And by the time 3 weeks rolled around, Well dang. It had been pretty damn bad down there. Why’d I wait so damn long? Anyway, like I told the therapist when I saw her just for a quick checkin last week, nothing has really changed, all the same stresses are there, and they’re big ones. But the difference is that I don’t feel like I am clinging to the edge of a cliff anymore. It makes so much difference. I am glad to here you’re doing better too. Thanks for writing about this. It was the push I needed. I imagine I am not the only one too.

Valria Lopez

So glad you're feeling better. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss your blog. Not that you don't blog, just that I miss the old not directed toward mobile devices layout.

I am not that old, but just can't read the layout on anything besides my desktop and lets be honest I am rarely on that.
So now i'm gonna go catch up since I am here now.


Just wanted to also say thanks - your blog inspired me to recognize my unhealthy and unhelpful anxiety feelings and do something about it after months on months of not so great times. SSRI side effects kicked my butt but emotionally it’s fab. Who knew normal felt so good?! It all stemmed from reading your journey - thanks for sharing. Wishing you all the best in feeling better soon.


Thank you for sharing with us. I'll admit, I was one of those who wasn't as empathetic about panic attacks, anxiety, etc in the past. Until I lived with someone who was experiencing them, and hoooo boy, has it been a learning experience for me. That shizzle is real and not to be trifled with. We are still finding a good treatment plan and trying to get him out of the hole and back to work. But it is comforting (in a weird disturbing way) to see how many others suffer too. I wish peace and healing to you and everyone else who deals with this terrible thing.


I'm really glad you are feeling better. I hope the side effects are temporary.

Connie Bowers

Thank you for sharing your ongoing travels through this. As a fellow mental health roller coaster rider, it is important to see others talk about their issues and struggles (and breakthroughs!) it is a frustratingly slow and often confusing process. I am so glad you are on the upswing!

Katie H.

Again, I LOVE the Chef Zah updates!!! And I am too an Instant Pot Head, but, alas, my family hates Indian food. What. The. Hell.

Hang in there with the meds. It sucks for awhile and you may have to try others to combat the side effects, but being up is definitely better than down. Oh, and don't look back into that abyss. Nothing good in there to see!


Thinking of you and also EZRA AND IKE 4EVER.

old jane

Could you post link to your posts on essential tremor please. Thank you.
Also: advice from one who crawled out of the trench ~ With depression after 36 and before say 55, keep an eye on hormonal levels because they can wack out and getting them to a steady state can really help depressive junk. A little talked about side effect of pre-menopausal and menopausal joys....that really are not fun.


Glad you're moving towards better. Fist bump.

Kathy E

When was / when will Ezra be on Master Chef Junior? I'm a big fan - also, glad you are feeling better. Kathy

Kim Strickland

I appreciate the sweet and funny moments, but the anxiety stuff is real and it affects so many of us. We need to hear more. We want to hear more. But we understand your right to keep some of it for yourself. Just want you to know that we can certainly relate.


I love your blog, even though I have to girls who are going to be 18 and 21 in May, I still relate to what you right and I look forward to each and every post! I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and mild depression when my girls were very young. I was referred to a psychologist who practiced cognitive behavioral therapy, which helped me quite a bit but I was still having some troubles so my doctor proscribed Paxil.....and then the cloud really started to lift it was wonderful. I started on 30mg for about a year, then down to 20mg and now I am on 10mg per day. Yes I did gain weight but it did not bother me so much because I had my life back! A few years ago I joined a gym and dropped all the paxil weight so it can be done. I am now 50yrs old and may have to stay on Paxil for the rest of my life; but I feel it is worth! Thank you for sharing your stories and I wish you continued health and happiness
xoxo From Vicky (Toronto, Ontario, Canada)

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