Hugs, Mama! You will look beautiful no matter what option you choose, the true beauty always shines through! One step at a time, one second at a time, just keep swimming and you will get there!

Because "suffering from clinical depression" is the end of that sentence. I don't have any great advice except, dude, TAKE THE FULL ON SHOWER, if only because showers are wonderful therapy all by themselves. If you wanna wash your hair while you're in there then bonus!

I think we have similar hair. I completely rely on this overpriced detangling spritz "It's a 10," and so does my teenager. It's at drugstores. That stuff, and Prozac must be packed in all my carry on bags in life. I hope this tip helps, as well as the knowledge that somewhere a fan of you and your writing is trying to hold you up with good thoughts of better days ahead.

I'm so sorry to hear how awful this struggle is. Don't give up. You've got this, you do.

Just sending an internet hug. Thanks for sharing.

I have to cut bits out of my hair pretty regularly, and it has nothing to do with my depression and anxiety. It's that I have stupid-thick hair and only wash it once a week anddddd I can't brush the curl or it poofs. It gets tangly when I sleep and I'm not the best about running my fingers through it enough to work out the tangles, and ... yeah, I feel this!

BUT we love you and we love your hair in any state, tangles or missing bits and all. Thank you for posting because we worry when you go too long without blogging.

xoxo

Oh, my heart...I feel your struggle so much. After months of ponytails and sporadic shampooing and tangles galore, I realized this week that I'm going to have to get a pretty severe haircut to get rid of the matted parts of my hair. My daughter has been going through a hard time, and this has amped up my own depression to a whole new level as I've totally given up on self-care in favor of worrying about and advocating for her. Thank you for talking about something that's on my long list of "secret shames" and helping me feel less alone.

Sending you hugs. I'm sorry you are struggling. I don't shower as often as I should and had a big cry before I took a shower this morning. I can't believe life has gotten so hard and scary.

Hang in there. You are tackling stuff and that voice can suck it. Just read an article about special needs mom and mental health issues, because we come way down on the list. And got diagnosed with diabetes that any fool could have seen coming, but I am over here in puddles because I honestly do not know how I get myself out of this and keep myself there (not looking for advice. I've been down all the weight loss roads, I just can't sustain them worth a crap. I take my eye off the ball and blow up like a balloon.)
But I got this, because I have to, and I'll hang if you will, whatever our hair looks like.

Have you read about the "impossible task" thread on Twitter? It made me feel a lot better. My current impossible task is washing my freaking face and putting on moisturizer. Which I've been doing every single day since I was a teenager. The past three weeks? Nope. Not once.

I'll wash my face. You comb your hair. We can do this. <3

Have you read The Bloggess? At times like this, I'll remind you of her words and hopefully they'll help.

Depression is a fucking liar.

And lying liars lie. That's what they do.

Depression is a lying son of a bitch. Try not to listen.

You likely already know all about this, but just in case it's a tool you don't already have -- my daughter has found it to sometimes be useful to personify the mean voice. When she thinks of the mean voice as separate from her core self, as the voice of a nasty judgemental neighbor named Brenda, she can hear it and then say "Thanks for your input Brenda. Go F yourself." Depression lies.

Okay...panic. That was MY OWN mean voice...I hope that was obvious....

I'm sorry, Amy. I don't wish the hell of depression on anyone. During my worst battle with depression and anxiety (postpartum) showers were actually one of the only things that helped. The unshowered/greasy hair feeling made my anxiety go even more haywire. Try to do ONE thing each day for yourself. Shower. Brush your hair. Take a walk. Even if it sucks at the time, it eventually helps. You and your family are in my prayers.

Nothing to say, but commenting to show support. Keep talking! We’re here!

Love and light to you, Amy. Your words and your stories echo so many truths in my own life and I thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities with us.

I don’t personally know you but I love you. I don’t know what else to say but I feel like you should know that and even when your mean voice is being an ass, you’re still a shiny spot in my day, whether it’s on IG, FB or your blog. So now I sound like a total stalker, but I still love you.

Go do something nice for yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Get a mani. Get a mani/pedi. Get a new outfit. I’m here to tell you that it’s the little things that will help. You deserve to treat yourself every now and again, and don’t let that negative self-talk get in the way of doing so. BTW—that negative self-talk? That right there needs to be ignored. That’s that bitch depression talking and you just don’t pay it any mind. It may seem that that’s all you can focus on, but ignore that beast. I promise it shall be quieted. Hugs and love to you.

Amy, I had the weirdest thought on Thanksgiving...things I'm grateful for...and I'm grateful that you are here. I've never met you but I've followed you since before Noah and you've touched my life in so many ways, your honesty and your spirit have made me a better person and a better mom. I wish I could help more than just these words but we are here and are rooting for you every day.

Oh, boy.
I'm so sorry, Amy. I was getting worried about you when you didn't post for a while. That feels kind of weird and stalker-like, and I don't mean it that way. I've been a reader for a long time, and even though I don't *know* you, I care about you.
I like Elizabeth's suggestion to name your mean voice "Brenda" and tell her to eff off.
I think you could totally rock short hair, for what it's worth.
Hang in there. You matter, to a whole lot of people.

As a mom of an adult child suffering from depression and anxiety, my heart breaks reading this. I wish I could wave a magic wand and remove this from your life and my son's. Since I can't I will just send love and light your way.

What Stephanie said! I remember reading a lenny kravitz interview after he cut off his dreads, he got lighter. And you would look kick ass short and sassy. Stay away from the news for a bit. XO take care of yourself like you are one of your kids.

I cut my hair off about a month ago because grad school has driven my anxiety to new heights and washing and conditioning is haaard. So is shaving and lotioning and the doing of the makeup. So I empathize.
Cutting off my hair was therapeutic though (we have very similar hair). It was one less obstacle to face everyday. So I completely support the idea, if you decide to.
Take care of yourself!

Hang in there, chickadee.

I missed you and I’m glad you’re back. And I’m so sorry, and a little angry on your behalf that this is so hard. And I can really relate to little things being unreasonably hard, and the mean voice. This is an illness a lot of us know well, and it’s just bizarre that the illness tells us we’re the only ones (or the worst ones). I’m glad you took the step to see a new therapist. You deserve credit for that hugely important and difficult bit of self care.
You don’t owe us any posts but I’ll be glad to see you again whenever you come back.

I wish the voice in your head wasn't such a LIAR. You are none of those things and you deserve a new razor and so much more!

I have endometriosis, I have good days and I have bad days. I am chronically tired, almost always in pain, and have so much brain fog that I'm defintely dumber that I used to be. And I hate myself for not being able to live my life the way I could five years ago. Which is stupid and makes no sense but... it's what happens. And then I try to remember to hate the endo instead. Maybe I shouldn't be hating everything and try to be a positive person... but I'm so tired. And frustrated. And angry.

I have super fine and very curly hair. I have ABSOLUTELY gotten into dreadlock situations after not combing it for a week at a time. It ABSOLUTELY made me feel like a hot mess, and not in that cute way I was in my twenties. But then I learned the Spoon Theory and started to take it a bit easy on myself. So my hair is messed up? I ate that day, I managed to get out of bed, maybe I worked or went grocery shopping. Maybe I didn't. But I did survive. And sometimes with chronic illness like endo, or anxiety, or depression, it takes all available energy to survive that day. And it's hard to be proud of that when you used to be a fully functional person who could do anything and everything on the to do list. But times change. You woke up, you took care of your boys, you survived the day. It's ok if the hair fell down the priority list to a point where it didn't get done.

All this blah blah to say, you absolutely have the right to lose the grip on some elements of your life as though you had chronic pain, because you do. Depression is no lesser a physically draining illness than endo. I've done both, they both suck. Being on medication drains you, not your fault. The voice in your head is a dirty liar, not your fault. I hope you have more good days and I hope you get that cute new haircut if that's what you want! You definitely deserve it!

Long time reader but have never commented. I like you! I want to hear what you say.

Sending love. And detangler.

I'm probably never gonna get read, I'm way down at the bottom here but WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! After years, YEARS I TELL YA of reading blogs, (I started right after Noah), the only 2 bloggers i still read are you and Jenny Lawson. And all three of us suffer from depression. What the hell is going on? Was it the red M&Ms? Riding with our smoking parents in the car? Wait, wait...it was that fucking goo you stuck on the end of the straw and blew into and made colorful plastic bubbles! I knew that shit smelled funky! Anyway, I'm a year healthy and among the living after a serious 4 year battle of finding the right cocktail. I'm actually happy! And you can be too. Please keep searching for that chemical mix that connect the blue and red wires in your brain. Its so hard, its I cant take another fucking side effect roller coaster hard. But it's out there. I'm proof. I love you and the boys and I'd like you to want to stay.

I feel you, honey. Mine got so matted that I couldn't get the comb through it and we had take the clippers to it a couple of months ago. Didn't shave it bald, but I only had fuzz left. It was so embarrassing and just...heartbreaking. Hair and makeup was always my thing, until depression decided to ruin me.

The good news is it's growing back. Really quickly, actually. I am very surprised, since my thyroid is kaput.

The bad news is it's growing back. And it's still too much trouble to take care of it. After all I went through I swore I'd comb and shower every day, etc. etc. But I still can't bring myself to do it. Or much of anything, for that matter.

I'm very proud of you for going to therapy and still trying. That is huge, and hard, and you are strong. Please accept an internet hug from a long time reader who truly understands what you're going through.

Your therapist's words are CORRECT. It's a chronic illness gurl. I know it's reeeeallllly hard to quiet those voices (I have them about body image), but keep letting the therapists words "answer" the voice in your head. You are doing AMAZING. So proud of you!!!!!

This makes sense to me. I struggle with self-care (if you can call basic needs self-care) and then struggle to put into words why I'm struggling. I so appreciate your openness and honesty because it has allowed me to understand myself better. Depression and anxiety are so tricky and manipulative. It's like they are a bad mother that is able to gaslight you into thinking otherwise of yourself in any given situation. Long time reader here (since before Ezra) and I have so much empathy for you because I know how hard it is. It's hard. It sucks. People around you don't REALLY get it. I'm constantly making excuses in my head for all my actions (or non-actions) for the attack that never comes. Anyway, thank you for being you. Your writing over the years has made me laugh out loud, cry, and reexamine my life. Keep fighting, it's worth it, you're worth it. Hugs.

I am going to be about 67th in commenting and I read all the 66 before me. WOW!!!! What an outpouring of love, and mostly from people who never met you in person. I thought if each of us had mailed you a travel sized bottle of conditioner and a razor your mailperson would have quit from the physical wear and tear of dealing with it all. SO: picture that tall mound of conditioner and razors and tell the 'Brenda' liar that is concrete evidence of her lies. THAT YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO ALL OF US AS WELL AS YOUR IRL FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!! You are not alone. We are in this together and so many of us are fighting in the trenches with you and for you. It will get better! You are fully as deserving and worthy and lovable as the rest of us. We are women and we stand together and hold hands, we are important and 'Brenda' lies. Hold on to us and keep saying the truth because, clearly from the 66 at least before me, you are loved and totally not alone. If you who has given so many so much hope and joy were not deserving... well, the rest of us would be in a terrible puddle. So hang in for you and for us also.

I'm reading this in jeans that I haven't washed for two weeks. Wondering if I can wear them to work. Because laundry is beyond me right now. Sometimes it is showering, other times brushing my teeth, getting out of bed, leaving the house. They all take turns. When it's bad, they all show up for the party. It sucks. In my experience buying things, changing things, thinking good thoughts, going for a walk don't really work. But, kuddos to folks that find relief through those. It's really impossible to explain this to folks who haven't lived it. You do such a beautiful job of capturing the fuckery that is depression. Thank you. I've followed you since you were preggo with Noah. Thank you for sharing your whole journey here, it's so powerful, even though it sounds so so painful. You matter. Full stop. In this moment you are doing the best you can. When I get real bad I just tell myself to take one breath, and then one more. Sometimes that is the absolute best I can do. It's really shifted my baseline of a "good" day. Did I keep taking breaths? Yep. Good job. On to tomorrow.
Anyways, not to hijack your post. But I just wanted to say thank you for being so open and honest. It helps to know other people I really admire battle with this beast as well. Depression lies. It's a fucking liar. Sending you love.

Hang in there, love. I think lowering the bar to what you can reasonably accomplish self-care wise, is totally acceptable and rationale. If the showering and combing is too much right now, no worries. Cut it off and roll with a hurdle you can clear. OR, lower the standard of what it means to have done something with your hair. If you're willing to shower, fine, comb it and let it just frizz and be weird. It's clean so that's good enough. I ask myself a lot lately, "what are the real consequences of doing/not doing ___?" Usually, consequences are in my head from that asshole voice. Reality me remembers to say, "eff you, mean voice." Lotta freedom in just recognizing what's made up bar to clear. Hugs, friend.

I have a different chronic illness and I count on my husband to check on me every day ( he works outside the home) because one time I had a stroke. So now that I’m recovered from that, he still is looking constantly for symptoms. Now I don’t know your husband and he seems like a cutie-pie ... but isn’t he the person who will notice you are having a bad patch and point it out and help you up? Am I assuming too much because that’s the situation at my house ? If so I apologize .

Listen: with hairy legs, you are beautiful. (And honestly? That’s some fucked-up patriarchal shit that we have to go around scraping all the hair off ourselves. I’ll do it when men have to do it.)
At a heavier weight than you once were, you are beautiful. (Do I need to echo the same rant about the patriarchy and body image? No I do not.)
With shorter hair, missing hair, undone nails, unapplied makeup (ding-dong, patriarchy calling...) you are beautiful.
I echo the previous commenter that “clean” is pretty much the only goal you need to strive for here. Because clean can do wonders, psychologically. A little trick I used to employ when I was really in throes of some not good shit: Telling myself I could just sit down in the shower. Somehow not having to think about standing up for so long, and knowing if I wanted to just curl up in a ball and let the water run over me that way, then I could? Helped. And some days I actually did. But on other days, I was able to stand the whole time. And that felt pretty good too. Sending you love.

Get up, Amy. Get UP.

(Channeling Trinity in the Matrix.)

All of us here in the internetz box love you, and we will take you however you come - fat, thin, bald, hairy, loud, quiet, I think you get my point. A coupla tangles ain't nothin - you can do this. I'm so glad you're here.

Depression is a b*&&. I know. One day at a time...

If it’s the spendyness of the “expensive” on the shampoo and razors... hair gets clean with cheap shampoo. Legs get mostly shaved with old and cheap razors. Could you not wash your hair with the boys or Jason’s shampoo? Then you smell like the people who love you and who you love. I do that with my husbands soap sometimes.

Like- you have trouble spending money on yourself- okay. If that mean voice harps on that voice- fine- just sidestep that bitch, you know? Acknowledge it, but don’t let it keep you from the REAL self care that is being clean, with smoother non itchy legs (mine itch with stubble, nothing to do with patriarchy...), and toss clean sheets in there too. (Ask the boys or Jason to change the sheets- or do it yourself and feel like a rockstar and thank yourself for it when you climb into them that night.)

Just hang in there you- and no one EVER felt better feeling gross and unclean. And baths or sitting in shower... for real it helps to not stand.