The Life-Changing Magic of Sizing Up
Solo: A Storch Wars Story

The Branch of Watches Past

Last March, a wind storm snapped a large branch off one the willow trees in our backyard. (Well, actually many, many branches, as seen here.) But one particular branch got...stuck...on its way down. Like so:

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Being the responsible and capable homeowners that you know we sometimes seriously think about attempting to be, we saw two possible solutions:

1) Hire a tree company to come deal with it.

2) #BRANCHWATCH

So the branch has been stuck there for since last March. When we're outside on the deck we might stare at it, discuss the physics and trajectory that got it wedged where it is, and what it might take for it to finally fall down. It'd make good firewood, we'll say for the hundredth time, if we could just get it down from there. Sometimes we just complain about it, as it's especially noticeable and ugly and dead in the spring and summer because the willows are too spindly and sparse to camouflage it. The kids throw rocks and soccer balls at it from time to time. We all poke our heads outside after every subsequent snow or rain or wind storm to see if it's finally been rattled loose. 

But THE BRANCH doesn't budge an inch. THE BRANCH remains. THE BRANCH abides. 

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THE BRANCH IS YOUR GOD NOW

Other options we've discussed:

1) Whether or not the fancy ladder Jason's parents gave us (that prompted its own foyer standoff) is tall enough to help us knock THE BRANCH down, plus the likelihood that one or both of us would end up hospitalized after the attempt because hi have you met us.

2) Sabering a champagne cork in its general direction

3) Throwing a tire at it

In the end, we just go back to ignoring it, except for when there's a small thrill of hope after a storm that maybe THIS TIME, THIS IS THE ONE. 

Like yesterday, after a good 24 hours of craaaaazy wild howling winds. They rattled the windows and brought entire trees down all over the neighborhood. Ike toppled backwards onto his backpack like a flipped-over turtle on his way to the bus stop. 

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The winds knocked down a bunch of our neighbor's branches, and hooked a large random tarp onto our fence, which the dogs will not stop peeing on. I had to collect half the patio furniture covers from the backyard before they peed on those too. 

But it did not bring down THE BRANCH. 

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I suppose I could write something cheesy and inspirational here about how we should all BE THE BRANCH, but...it's a dead ugly tree branch.

Don't be a dead ugly tree branch, I suppose is the lesson here. And also what do you think would happen if we just like, threw a chainsaw at it? That'd be pretty badass, right? 

Comments

Christin M.

Where's the picture of turtle Ike???

Dori P

Our neighbors have a branch stuck in a similar way and it makes me all twitchy when it ruins the good sunrise/sunset pics I try to take from our back porch. I 2nd Christin M, what no turtle Ike pics?? ;-)

Flora

Should I be the party pooper here and ask if the tree that the branch snapped off from is dying too?

Amy in StL

Last year I had #branchwatch and a neighbor finally came and removed it because it hung over my seating area like a hammer of doom; he was worried about it killing a friend at a party. I miss branch.

Tif

Only if you saved the chainsaw 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ashley

I recommend you call a tree company with a certified arborist, it looks like that tree is sloughing bark and that could mean it’s dying. You don’t want more branches to come down or worse. I’m glad it’s holding up through the winds though! That looks a very large and heavy branch. Good luck!

Sue W.

So instead of Ye Olde Tyre In The Foyer Watch, now we are on the Ye Olde Dangling Branch Watch. Good times up at your house! I can't wait to see how this plays out!

Molly

We have had a BranchWatch (tm) taking place in our backyard for, lo, these many months as well. Our one concession to a possible solution was tie the branch to the tree (ours is slightly lower) with a rope so that if it falls it won’t take out the master bedroom and crush us while we sleep. We also won’t let the kids yank on it, lest it break more completely and crush them. Solving problems all over the place here.

Sue

Our neighbors' tree had a hanging branch like that for close to 10 years before they finally paid someone to take care of it. I think you can expect longevity from this branch, too.

Dana

I need you to go and get the book “Stuck” by Oliver Jeffers RIGHT NOW. Maybe reading it to the tree will be inspirational. 😂

Sarahd

We had one of those, too, and we flung a rope around it, tied the rope to a trailor hooked to a Jeep and pulled it down. Like some hillbillies! I consider myself a refined, educated lady but it was hella satisfying watching that fucker fall!

Amy

Don't eff with that branch. I have a sad story about a similar situation. Hire the pros!

Amy A

We had a similar situation, where the dead branch was stuck in an upside-down V for like, five years, maybe six. We paid the same amount of attention to it until we didn’t, and a year or so ago noticed it was no longer there. No idea where it went or when it came down, but it’s gone. Kind of like a watched pot never boils, I guess. We also didn’t have small kids running around so the element of danger wasn’t there; it’s probably best to get it taken care of before five or six years elapse.

Gretchen

Badass tree branch - I name thee Wishbone!

Lisa

Clearly it's proved itself. I guess you should just enjoy its mighty nature. Or take inspiration in how someone or something will always be there to catch you when you fall.

Please don't climb up there!

Lauren

#branchwatch2019 WOO!

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