Hello and welcome to the first installment of a series I just made up about things that Do Not Work in my home/life/general existence.
You know what Does Not Work? This alarm clock Does Not Work.
This is the Sonic Bomb Extra-Loud Dual Alarm Clock with Red Flashing Alert Lights and a Powerful Bed Shaker, which we bought for a certain 13 year old who needs to get his ass out of bed in the morning but who lo, does not get his ass out of bed in the morning.
We tried several different alarms before this one -- an alarm directly next to his head paired with another one placed on the floor on the other side of his room. A different and slightly louder alarm tucked away on the top shelf of his closet. Even our own screeching voices yelling at him through the Echo Dot he keeps tucked under his pillow.
He slept through all of them, or worse, would make the journey down from his bunk bed while still asleep, turn the alarm(s) off, and then climb right back in bed with absolutely zero memory of doing so when I showed up at his door 20 minutes later to physically drag him out of bed.
(And then again 20 minutes after that, because I'd leave to give him some privacy to get dressed, only to find that he again returned to bed and was as awake and sentient as a sweet potato.)
And so we bought him the Sonic Bomb, which promises to wake the deepest of sleepers with features such as:
- A turbo-charged loud, vibrating alarm clock
- A powerful 12 volt bed shaker and adjustable extra loud alarm
- Built-in pulsating alert lights
- Snooze defuser
- Built-in red flashing alert lights, and battery backup
- Explosive red display
An explosive red display! Twelve entire volts of violent bed-shaking action! An alarm so loud you can hear it from space!
Well, you can certainly hear the alarm in our bedroom, where it sounds like an air horn going off on my nightstand. You can hear it from anywhere in the house, actually, including the basement, as it reverberates and blares through the HVAC ducts. You can even hear it outside on our driveway, through the windows in Noah's room...
...where he is still deadass asleep, while everyone else in the household moans and groans because 1) they do not need to wake up that early, and 2) IT'S BEEN 20 MINUTES TURN THE BLOODY SHRIEKING THING OFF FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE.
(You can also hear it precisely at 5 p.m. every evening, when it goes off for a second time for reasons unknown, and we misplaced the instructions and have no idea how to delete this mysterious second alarm.)
(AND you can also hear it at 7 a.m. on Saturday and Sunday mornings, because Noah never remembers to turn off the primary alarm. And why should he bother? IT SURE AS HELL DOESN'T BOTHER HIM.)
Sometimes Noah does hear it, but again, he doesn't fully wake up. He just climbs down from his (shaking!!!) bed and sleepwalks across the room to smack at the alarm a few times...and then goes right the fuck back to bed as if nothing happened at all.
And on those mornings I stare at the ceiling of my room on the complete opposite side of the house, fully awake thanks to the banshee alarm clock, wondering if Noah really woke up when he turned the alarm off or if he's back in bed asleep already, and contemplating how many minutes I can risk staying in bed before checking on him. Because I really WANT to stay in bed but am ALSO prone to falling back asleep, which then results in a OH SHIT WAKE UP WAKE UP disaster scenario five minutes before the bus is due to arrive.
And we can't even blame it on the alarm clock not going off, like normal people. It does go off. It just Does Not Work.